"Moving on" after a Separation

well Hope, he did eventually return my text at 6pm tonight. I was actually in the bath and my mobile was switched off. He rang the home phone, something he has not done for a long time, and sounded very quiet and said that was the second time he had turned up and not sure what else to do!. I had not even arranged a time and place. I checked my mobile and he had left message naming a pub nearby and said be there in 5 mins. This was 15 mins after he had left the message. I tried to ring but no answer so left a message saying I was sorry and that I knew if we met I would get emotional but I wanted to see him and get some straight answers, I knew he had another life now but I wanted to know what he hated about his old life or was it just me !

I feel both times he has left work a little early, his work, our home, his new place and the pub are all within 10 minutes of each other, and was not telling the o/w what he was up to so that is why he turned up early and could not wait. I suppose I should be grateful he did turn up ( if he did) but I told him I am not sure I can do this and perhaps I just ought to leave alone and get on with my life, as he has a new life now with a new family. My sister rang shortly after and I broke down and told her obviously it is him I am missing as I was so upset over just the thought of meeting him and a text so how would I be if I did see him !. She suggested we meet at my place on my terms but I cannot go throught this again and intend leaving my phone off for a few days and try and put him firmly in the back of my mind.

My daughter also rang and I told her and she has confessed that she is getting worried about me and if i go on like this I will go loopy, so for her sake I will try, she also says it hurts her as her Dad obviously thinks more of her children than his own! It is so hard for all of us to understand how and why he went off like he did and could put us all out of his mind. Unfortunately I am the sort of person who likes to know how, why, where and when about everything and like a dog with a bone so will have to try and get a new interest to take my mind of it. Perhaps the New Year will help as I have been worse since the dark nights have drawn in and I am in on my own.

Good luck to everyone over Xmas, I will be thinking of you all and no doubt will come on and see who else is around

Jeanniexx

Jeannie

Sounds like your H can't face up to all of this separation stuff.... to leave work early knowing full well he'll miss you is a poor excuse for not meeting up..... do you really think he did turn up to meet you or is he telling porkie pies!!!

Jeannie I do think that by turning off your phone its going to make communication a little difficult. I know he can phone you on the home phone but sometimes people text because its easier. Still I guess your H will contact you when HE wants something because I'm sure at some point his new woman will want to know if there is going to be a divorce on the horizon.

Anyway lets hope the new year is brighter.

Take care
Hope x

I know what you mean Jeannie about wanting to know everything, I do that as well, dont know why because it doesnt make me fell any better, sucker for punishment I suppose. I think I am too soft with my ex sometimes, as he calls up to see the girls about 3 or 4 times a week, usually before a squash match, so he is not actually giving a night up. I have asked the girls if they want to spend one night a week with their Dad, but even do they do love him, they are not ready for that yet. I think I am as it would be nice to have one night a week to myself, even if I was just staying in(mind you probably would miss the girls). But
I do think it would be good for them and their Dad to spend some real time together, but then they would have to meet the o/w and the defo dont want to do that.

They are putting their head in the sand and I dont blame them, I think it is just enough for them to cope with this year that their Dad does not live at home anymore. I am certaintly not going to push them into anything they dont want to do. Hate the thoughts of them meeting her anyway (even do I know deep down its not her fault he was there for the taking) Am I too soft. I never even really lost my temper with him, only once and the girls nearly died to her us fighting, as that is something we never did. I think I was more sad and let down the angry, maybe the anger will come, mind if it is it is a long time coming, bit like a bus!!

Have family coming over from Ireland tonight which is nice, keeping me into action, got to clean the house and I shouldnt really be on here, so I will finish up now and attack the house. Sorry for going on so much, you all have a good weekend, and keep strong after I am more and more convinced that we are the stronger sex.

Slainte

Jan

I really do want to see him and get this out of my head, but don't know what else I can do. I did check my mobile a couple of times today but no reply. Wasn't suprised. I know too I am a little afraid to see him after all this time as I know I will be emotional, perhaps him knowing this too means he cannot see me like this, as he told our daughter once he would like to ring me but knows it upsets me. I thought after all this time, nearly 4 mths, I would be feeling better than this !. His eldest brother and his wife called into work to see me today and I noticed that his Brother could not look me in the eye and speak, all the talking was done by the wife who has always been very supportive. It struck me then how alike the two men are who cannot face things and leave it to their women folk. Another sister-in-law rang me this evening who admitted her husband can be the same. I am sure a lot of this comes from their upbringing.

Maybe this is why H found it so easy to walk away from me and our family when stress hit as it was easier to walk away to a 'feel good factor' than stay and face things. And the reason he cannot now face me and tell me the truth what ever it is. I will have to try hard and get him out of my head as it is at times like that I find the most upsetting and he can contact me if he wants. He was warned by the Solicitor he had to reply and get the standing order returned in order for the money to be set up in my account by the 1st December. It is not there ! It is out of my hands now.

I had a really bad night last night as the fire again roared out of control, and I had to sit up until the early hours until it died down. I picked up the phone and texted him to tell him, saying that was one good thing he was good at it keeping the fire under control but no response again. What would he do if I let the house burn down I wonder !

Well it is 8.30 p.m. and I am really tired after last night so going to bed with a glass of wine and hope the fire behaves tonight. I am torn between letting it go out completely and as it has a back burner worrying about the pipes freezing or keeping it in and worrying about i overheating. Where's a man when you need one. !

Poor you .... I still get upset when there are things that I can't manage alone ... ie. things that need a man to sort out .... its not easy when you have to manage alone after sharing so many years with one person. I struggle to do everything in the home on my own.... so many chores to do all the time and so much maintenance to keep on top of with a family home.

Sounds like your H's brother is the same then.... I guess his up bringing must have something to do with the way he handles life. My ex didn't have a very good childhood and he never communicated well with his parents. He had to hide his emotions and feelings and wasn't allowed to express how he felt etc. I do believe he carried this baggage into our marriage which didn't help things. I suppose its not easy to change after so many years of behaving in a certain way. Its sad really.... life is too short to mess up.

Keep plodding on Jeannie... and Goodnight

Hope x

Just feel like writing my feelings down and getting it off my chest. I have for no particular reason been spending the last two or three days in tears. Nothing has changed much, no contact with H, I did, as I said before text him to say I was still emotional, still love him and miss him and again to ask advice about the fire but no response ( by the way now hopefully have the problem of the fire sorted and under control) heard from the builders and the problem with the redecorating will be sorted in the New Year.

My son and partner asked if I would like my grandaughter for a few hours today which was lovely and also my daughter turned up with the other two so we had a lovely day, but the tears were always there. It was hard in front of the kids, my Son told me if what H done before was not bad enough what he has put me through since was even worse and if he saw him he would not be responsible for his actions. Daughter does not know what to do or say and says leave it to the Solicitors now. I cannot understand why he has not sorted the money out, he knew there was a deadline and if not him why does the o/w not tell him to put a closure on it. Money now is very tight but I will not ask him for it, but am a little afraid of it goes to court a) it will drag on for months and b) I may end up with less than he agreed in the first place.

I had to watch them all go home tonight and lock the door and turn around to a empty house, breaking my heart. I do not know what I did to deserve this, everyone tells me I did nothingwrong. I did everything for him whilst he was here, tried everything to keep him here ( which he said he appreciated) and tried to keep things amicable since, so where did I go wrong. It is hard to think I am here alone whilst he is getting on with his life doing with her and her kids what he used to do with me and mine !, and cannot now even talk to me. I feel cast off like a worn out shoe, totally worthless and unloved and not needed. My kids tell me this is untrue and not to think like that but how.

Perhaps it is the timne of year, perhaps it is finally sinking in what he has done to me or finally I am accepting my life with him is over and I miss him so much.

Sorry I have to go this is really upsetting me.

Jeannie

Well Jeannie I do think that when he doesn’t respond to your texts its because yet again he can't face life's little problems and by ignoring you he thinks it will go away! Don't worry about the tearful days.... I still get them and its just over a year now and I'm divorced..... I guess it just means that we haven't found it as easy as our ex's to say goodbye. Its not a weakness to cry Jeannie so just let it all out!

The money problem can only be sorted out with solicitors by the sounds of things.... don't struggle anymore. Sometimes it takes an official letter from a solicitor to make someone stand to attention. Jeannie you have been very good towards your H and you haven’t hounded him so its about time he paid you some respect.

Oh Jeannie I can totally relate to the feelings of worthless and being cast aside... I went through hell. The thing about time being is a healer is that you have time to re-evaluate your life and eventually you will see that you are not a bad person and that perhaps your H is the one that has the problems with "himself". I know that doesn't make you feel any better because you want your H back but remember if "HE" has changed its NOT your fault and nothing you said or did could make a difference. If he's a bit lost in life and just doesn't know what he wants or what makes him happy then that’s not your fault. I spent many, many days pondering over what I did wrong and I don't think I did do anything wrong.... I think my ex just changed and still isn't happy in his new life. Don't imagine your ex is having a great life now. He can't even face seeing you or sorting things out so I doubt his new life is a bed or roses either..... I wonder how long it will be before she starts putting pressure on him about divorce.....not sure he'll cope with that pressure either!

You will survive and Jeannie perhaps one day you will be happy with someone else, I do believe that there is life after divorce. Keep strong. My kids are with my ex this weekend so I'm having a bottle of wine and a curry tonight and watching the X factor !!!

Take care,

Hope x

House will hopefully will be mine in Jan as I have got the remortgage going to buy him out- solicitors writing to my H - that will be a shocker for him! cant do the consent order until we divorce..so once the finance is sorted - pressure will be on for a divorce..

Hi Angel,

Good for you.... its great to hear that you're getting on with things because its the only way to finally carve out a new life for yourself.

I'm fed up at the moment... my ex dropped the kids off Sunday and was an hour and 15 minutes late - there was no apology and I rushed home to be here for their return, I may as well not have have bothered! He dumped all their stuff off in the hall and couldn't even make eye contact... just mumbled things about dirty washing etc. and just stared at the floor and couldn't even look at me - he then left.

Have a plumbing problem at home and thats depressing me now... more expense to fix it and yet another thing to deal with on my own! Oh well I guess I just have to get used to coping alone.

Anyway nice to have an update from you Angel.

Take care
Hope x

me again, another bad weekend constantly in tears and not knowing why. H has not responded to letter from Solicitor re money this month and just spoken to him. He thinks another letter will not be of any help and cost me more money. ( A Solicitor with a heart) and thinks the only way now is to start divorce proccedings with a maintenance order. I am not sure this is the way I want to go. Deep down I know he has hurt me badly, and my children and been very selfish throughout. He has now stopped all contact and cannot face me. But I have just been speaking to an Aunt who has found out and although even she was shocked he could do this she said she would not have him back, but I kept on telling her I Love him so much. Solicitor suggests in the interim I try once again to get a friend to tell him that I have been to a Solicitor and thinking of going down this route and see if this brings a reaction, but at the end of the day do I listen to my heart or to everyone who says he could do this again, has hurt me terribly and not to have him back ( even if he wants to )
It is still all so raw and not sure what to do.
Just want to go to sleep and not wake up, ( but will not do anything so don't worry - I have too much to live for) I hate him, but I love him and now feel such a failure. I wish I could have seen it coming and wish there was something else I could have done. But what I don't know. I do hope I get stronger again and harden my heart to all this and tell him I want out now. ! and I hope she dumps him and he feels like we do.

From my H yesterday.............

I will bring the keys back to you asap....not sure where they even are! Yes of course keep all the stuff in the house, if i could just have a look for anything i still havent got, books and whatever that would be great. I better have a butchers in the loft as well i guess.

Thanks for sorting it all out. I really do feel quite sad about it all but hey i made my bed i better lie in it. If you let me know you're happy with the above, i'll be in touch.

I hope you are ok anyway, i do miss you and i do think about you, even though i have come across as a total git the last year or so. I expect a lot of our old friends and the family think i am a tosser, they are probably right Cheryl.

I will hopefully see you soon.

"Many Thanks"

Steve X

Dear All

I have used this site in the past during my divorce and always found the help advise and words of wisdom helpful. My H and I were married for near on 7 years, and although I have no regrets we fell out of love with each other and so around last October we confronted our feelings and unfortunately are now nearly divorced.

This week was the final court hearing and so I expect the divorce papers in the New Year. Which will mean a fresh start and hopefully a happier year to come. For the last few months I have been feeling more positive about myself, finding out who I am again. But found that Tuesday dragged up all those dreadful feelings. The kind where you feel your heart has been ripped out, wrug out, and left in the Sahara without any shade. Although I have no regrets, dealing with moving on is so hard. I feel like I deserve this painful days, although the split was and is completely amicable. I can't sleep as the old thoughts go round and round in your head and although I know I will have good days (hopefully soon) I feel like the emotions just put me into overdrive. I hate involving my friends as most haven't got a clue about how to deal with this, I am sure there is blame towards me felt as well (as I instigated us facing up to our problems), and I feel I have no where to turn. The main problem is I hate asking for help or seeming to be falling apart so all I am left with is the thoughts and my feelings. I suppose the time of year is not helping, sorry I know this time of year is not helping. I always thought Christmas must be such a lonely time without a loved one to share it with, how right was I. I can't even have a tree up in my home as I have the builders in (more added stress).

So I suppose I am on that knife edge of not knowing how to feel, how to deal with it, and just needed to get some thoughts down without the fear of being judged or blamed. I know it will get better and time heals, bla, bla, bla, but at this moment in time I feel rock bottom again.

Thanks for listening. Lets hope tomorrow brings a better day for us all.
Spring

Know exactly how you feel. Everyone tells me I am much stronger, he only left 4 months ago and perhaps I am, I have dealt with a serious operation, a leaking roof, a out of control fire, builders, frozen bank account and its consequences and now H refusing all contact with me or the Solicitors re maintenance. But emotionally I am a wreck. I sleep badly and wake up two or three times rmembering everything. If only we had rowed, or he had been cruel but it was done so quick, so out of character and he kissed me goodbye and thanked me. Said he had feelings for me so why did he go, and straight to a tart.

I have tonight been to see my eldest grandaughter (6yrs) in her Nativity play. it was emotional as H was there last year. I kept looking at her and thought you should be here not playing the ageing casanova. I said this to my daughter at the end and she ushered me out of the hall, I think she thought I was going to break down or say something in front of her friends.

Tomorrow is Friday, the day he left which I always find uncomfortable. I got a colleague to try and talk to him re lack of response and he asked him to send me a xmas card, let me know what is going on ( i.e. if he is coming back) and to answer letters from me and the Solicitor. He shrugged his shoulders and said he had received no letters. SO I have asked the Solicitor to send them all again and to do it recorded delivery. Nothing I have done so far has sparked a response, but I am told he is not happy. I have really tried whilst he was here and since to get some answers and let him know I love him. I think he is about to hit a breakdown, but without seeing and talking to him I do not know. This being in limbo is a killer and I feel I deserve the respect to get these answers to I can move on one way or the other. I just wish I could hibernate and wake up when it is all sorted. The dark nights do not help, walking into an empty house and having no-one to share things with, and Xmas is looming. By nbow I would have the decorations up, the cake made and puds ready. But I have done nothing and cannot get enthusiastic. I wish I knew if he was doing these things with her and her kids and rmembering our xmas's with the grandchildren.

I do not think I have had one day since he left whenI have not cried and I look forward to that day.

Here's to another week

Jeanniexx

[Concerned Reader]

Dear Jennie

I really am sorry but your situation is so serious that options such as sitting tight don't really apply. Your solicitor appears to have advised you to not throw good money after bad by issuing repeated legal letters; these cost you hundreds of pounds to no good effect. You just haven't got those resources.

You could, if you wish, write your own letters and save the solicitor's fees.

I wish I wasn't the one telling you this blunt truth, but perhaps your children don't feel able to spell it out. As long as your H is left in control of the money he will blow it on looking big to the o/w. She has got YOUR money, as surely as if she had swiped your handbag.

Besides, I will bet my boots that all this woman sees is a meal ticket; the more money you leave with him, the more attractive he will be to her. Start making it clear that you will have every penny to which you are entitled and that she may be left to keep HIM as he will have to pay for gardeners, builders, and your personal therapists. If necessary, go to his place of work and sit in reception with a clerk from the solicitors and insist that he writes an emergency cheque.

Your H may well be about to hit breaking point; you can make it clear that if he wants to come home, the door is open but the o/w is the price for his return. Suggest that he considers that if he, as so many mature men do, were to have a stroke, who would he trust to be standing at the bottom of the hospital bed? Does he really think he can trust a cheat who might dump him for a younger model? She already likes to mess around with married men - does he think she has much integrity?

As Eddie so eloquently put it, no intelligent person seriously believes that you can replace long-term committed love with fizzy new stuff. Your H's actions have marked him out as a terminally stupid man to his family and his work colleagues, but if he recants quickly this can all be dismissed as something like a nervous breakdown. He can spend a week or two on tranquilizers if it helps. Plenty of people do daft things and recover; everyone will join in to agree that he has had something like a nasty illness, but that he's all better now.

However, one thing I doubt is that his new life is working out. What he is, is the pasted-in boyfriend to children who may well have attachments to fathers you know nothing of. Suddenly, he finds that he does not have the authority he was accustomed to. He's not their daddy, he doesn't have shared history with them and, unlike some situations, he can't refer back to his own family. And as for moral authority....well, let's just say that nobody is going to be taking much notice of his opinion in any matter.

He has gone from being the much-loved and respected senior male in a clan to the johnny-come-lately visitor isn somebody else's show. If your H is as self-centred as you have suggested, this alone will have shocked him as, after 30 odd years of being top-dog he is now finding that he is not the permanent feature around which the world revolves. Sixteen weeks ago he may have mistakenly thought that status comes from within; but he's just wrong about that. Status comes from position and he abdicated his.

Many people will be wondering why you want him back, but that is your business. He can come back and get back his old status if he drops the o/w, privately admits his folly, and if you patch him back in.

What he can't do is to carry on thinking that your economic well-being is at his discretion. It isn't, and that attitude is both thuggish and arrogant. He has legal obligations and the quicker he faces them, the better it will be for everybody. If he hollers about your unreasonable demands, so much the better - the o/w will be made aware that he isn't the millionaire playboy she might have imagined.

Urgently ask your sol to draw up a will made up with your half of the property in the favour of your children. Heaven forbid, but if something should happen to you just now, then your H would get the property and your children might miss out on their inheritance.

I am very, very sorry to bring such hard words, but you have got to look out for your interests because your H is clearly not acting in your interest.

concerned reader, thank you for your comments. I totally agree with all you say. I think perhaps I felt naive in wanting him back. But after knowing for 33 yrs I feel, gut feeling, this is exactly what is happening. I did at the beginning go to a SOlicitor and protect my half of the house to the children as I was facing an operation. The Solicitor also sent H a letter asking him to lodge a letter with the Land Registry severing the house, this he has never done.

This plus the two letters re maintenance he has ignored prompted me to again ask the Solicitor to send them recorded delivery as what I hope may evoke a response. But his total lack of response for everything I have done is what is worrying me, he could be a little selfish but not to this point. I did not think he was this heartless. That is what makes me believe he is heading for a breakdown or she is pulling the strings. Coupled with the fact he is not coping at work, I am told he is taking time off for bad back, colds etc. He never took time off. I am trying toprotect what ismine, I have finally sold the car that was a millstone from the day we bought it, he left me with that car and took the old run around which he still has, it sold for far less than we hoped ( my SOn and I) and despite telling H at the beginning I would give him half, I have bought another car for me and what is left over ( very little) is going in the household account so I do not have this worry every month. It was a joint account but again ( due to the nature of the woman involved ) I quickly got him off the account and just ask for a contribution every month - it is still half of his house.

I just want to see him now, I am not sure gettin back is even an option at the moment, just to get some answers, If you read my thread at the beginning ' I need someone to talk to' it was done in the heat of the moment after a few weeks of flirting, he even said it had not go sexual and as he was being honest at the time I believed him, plus the fact they had only been out twice ( I know as he was not the go out type) and it all happened at work surrounded by others. He still said he had feelings for me, but he was selfish. I am told by people he works with , and his Mother he sees rarely that he has never blamed me, or said anything about me to suggest I was at fault in any way. I do love him, I always will but this lack of response is doing me in emotionally. I just want to feel safe and secure and loved, but I don't. Friends and Family have heard it all before and communication with them is not what it was. I feel so alone and not sure what advice to take now.

I am sure it will not last with her, maybe I have no money from him as he has none. I did the finances whilst he was here and if he is trying to do it himself he must be in a muddle or she is spending it.

You seem to speak as if you have inside knowledge of the situation, have you been here yourself. It is always interesting to get a point of view from someone who knows.

Thanks for your thoughts and concerns. I have been uplifted by some of the people who have answered and feel like here I have friends.

Jeanniexx