"Moving on" after a Separation

Dear Jeannie

I truely feel for you and understand a lot of what you are feeling. It is almost as if I am looking at a mirror image in some ways. The feeling of being in limbo is torturous, you feel stuck, not knowing what way to turn, which path to take. And no one can answer which is the best route. It is terrible. It holds you back from moving on from starting again. I don't know perhaps you never really heal completely, I am not sure, all I know is that there are a lot of what ifs.

What with your H not responding to you, leaves you again in limbo land, there is no direction that you would have had before when you were together. Does he realise that ignoring this situation is making life unbearable for you? Perhaps he thinks not having contact with you is the "kindest" thing. I don't know. Luckily my H and I still speak, and when we do I still feel like he is my best friend and sometimes have to pinch myself and think hang on we are no longer in that relationship any more.

Although this is the most testing time of my life I know I made the right decision deep down. If you don't feel it, fight for him. That is one thing that my H never did for me, he never fought, it was almost as he thought she's made up her mind, nothing I can do so won't. That I found the hardest thing to cope with at that time.

Feeling so alone is well "normal" if there is anything normal about our situations. It is so hard for others to understand what feelings you go through. The worries, the fear, well everything. I was lucky in that a friend of mine had gone through the same thing only months before myself so knew some of what I felt and I felt I could relate to someone at last aswell. It is like a huge weight is lifted of my shoulders when I speak to him because I know he understands. Other friends, on the other hand, seem to act as well disapprovingly, you've made your bed lie in it, what do you expect kinda attitude. I put this down to age more than anything, but that really hurts and really makes me feel alone.

At the end of the day we have lost our life partners, the person we would discuss anything with, could trust to put us in the right direction. For a long time I felt as if half of me was missing, today not so much so, but there is still a huge hole that he used to occupy.

Well today I am feeling stronger and more positive (which is such a relief), but I know this month in particular will be extremely hard. But we have to carry on for family, friends and loved ones. My motto when feeling down "If I had balls I'd be pull myself up by them"

Spring
xx

Hi Spring.....

It must be very difficult to separate when you just feel that the love has died. I suppose when a partner has an affair its pretty final especially if they chose to make a new life with that partner... the decision is made for you!

When you said that your H didn't fight for you does that mean that you would have tried to make your marriage work? I will always feel hurt that my ex H used another woman to discuss his unhappiness with and then decided that an affair with her would solve any problems we had! He couldn't be bothered to work at our marriage .... he's always been very selfish and lazy when it comes to relationships. Even now I feel upset that he never once spoke of his unhappiness and I was never given the chance to make a difference.

Luckily its been over a year and I am now divorced so I have moved on with my life but I still have to discuss the kids with him so the contact is still there. I have to say its not easy communicating with a man that has betrayed me and hurt me so badly.

Anyway I hope that you do find inner peace soon and its good that you have a good friend to talk things through.

Take care.
Hope x

Dear Hope

Thank you for your kind words. It's one of the reason why I love this site so much. It is like free therapy.

I am lucky in the fact that my H and simply fell out of love, and there was no third party involved or violence or any other nasty. Also we don't have kids so compared to alot of women I have it easy (although on a bad day I'd disagree with that).

From very early on in our relationship (I think within the first year if not the second) I knew things weren't quite right. However I mentioned them as there is no point in not saying anything (great believer in if you don't ask you don't get). Hoping they'd be taken on board and acted upon. However they weren't. H seemed to think they were just minor things that didn't need attention. After 10 years of this I found it pointless saying anything as I may as well have spoken to a brick wall. I felt ignored, unimportant, and as if my opinions, desires and thoughts counted for nothing. I tried talking to him, crying at him, shouting at him, anything to make him realise it was important to me, but got nothing. In the end we found we had moved apart from each other. I ended up feeling like I was sleeping with my brother. I am sure I was as guilty as him for not listening either. We both agree now that we needed our heads knocked together. Hindsight - such a great thing.

What if H had fought for me? Wined, dinned me, shouted at me, cryed in my lap, wrote 10ft high messages declaring his love (ok a bit OTT). I am not sure it would have changed how I felt. But not to be fought for made me even more determined that it was the right thing to do. I even said to H, if it was me and I loved you, I'd be fighting tooth and nail for you. But still no chnage in behaviour. This really upset me, and even if I thought my mind was made up, this simply justified my reasonings (hope that makes sense).

My H finally left our home in August this year, but I have felt completely removed from him since May 04. It is odd as most of my grieving (yes I think you do grieve) has been done. I haven't simply had that shock, but gradual realisation.

Anyway best go as need to get some work done. Thank you again.
I hope we all have a good weekend, and if not find someone to talk to. It makes the world seem a lot clearer and gets everything off your chest.

Spring
xx

The one good thing about this site is someone knows exactly how you feel, I know my kids (though adults) hurt as much but it is a different hurt. I met a old acquaintance today who looked very down and said she hated this time of the year, without thinking I agreed before I remembered she lost one of her twin boys in a motor accident this time last year. She did not know about my H and so we had a good 10 minutes commiserating with each other./ Her first H apparently did the same as mine going off with the village bike ( her words, ) but thought he could change her !. Mine never said that, he said don't you think I know her better than you do.

I presume he got his recorded delivery today but still no word. The wife of his colleague came into work and asked if I had heard from him, but I didn't expect to. The general concensus is he has to consult her.

I think deep down I know he has hurt me badly but until I see him face to face and get some answers I cannot move on. He seems quite incapable of doing this for whatever reason. That is why I cannot let go as I still feel he is my husband, I love him, I miss him but he is just not here at the present. I try not to think of him being with her as I have not had to witness them together. I wish I knew if it was out of sight out of mind, or he knows he has hurt me badly and cannotface me.

I am looking at another lonely weekend and remember Friday nights was our meal out night, now it is a ready meal in the oven !

I so want to see light at the end of the tunnel, I am told there is but I cannot see it.

Jeanniexx

Hi Spring,

Yes you're right in that this site is great therapy and I'm convinced that by sharing my feelings with others its helped me to cope at times!

I can totally relate to your feelings of dispair when trying to communicate your feelings to your spouse and getting know where! I also tried for many years to make my ex H see that I felt unimportant and just wanted to feel special sometimes. There was never any romance or any special gestures to make me feel special, it always came from me so I guess I made him feel great but he couldn't be bothered to give me any attention. Now that I am single I've decided I'd rather not be in a relationship unless its very, very special.

Even though my ex H was involved with another woman I did give him the opportunity to "fight for me". I told him I loved him and that we could try to work through our problems if he started to be more open and talk. I now understand that he's lazy with relationships and he can't be bothered with the emotional stuff so its easier to just move on. If his new woman doesn't like the way he is I guess that relationship will also fizzle out in time... Oh well good luck to her! Not sure he'll ever manage to find the perfect relationship though..... they all need working on. I suppose one thing my failed marriage has taught me is that I cannot get involved with another man who doesn't express his feelings. My ex H kept it all locked up inside and just drifted away from me, emotionally, because he was too lazy or cowardly to discuss things and show emotion. This forum has proved to me that many men DO express their deepest feelings because they post on here, so they do exist!!!

Anyway its nice to talk and hear your experience Spring and even though I'm a year on from my separation/divorce I still have my down and sad days and I still get comfort from reading the posts on here ....... I guess its nice to know I'm not alone. I also feel there's a limit to how long I can talk to friends and family before it becomes a boring topic!

Take care Spring. x

Jeannie,

Its difficult to know why your H is so distant from you. It could just be that he has such a guilty consience and he can't face you. Perhaps he's worried that he may show some emotion... only he knows his reasons but I look forward to the day that he puts you out of your misery. It would be nice if it happened before the new year so that you can start afresh without all this uncertainty hanging over you!

Hope x

Funnily yesterday I had a bad day and spent most of the days with a lump in my throat imagining that H was in a cosy homely situation whilst I was on my own again wondering why. But then my Son rang and asked if I would like to babysit for them. Actually they were planning on going away overnight for the first time. I jumped at the chance and we had a lovely time, ( she is 2 and we have got so close) I had to take her to her other grandparents today as I was going to a church service with the other two grandchildren. All three made me feel special, the youngest by curling up in my arms at 2am and just lying quiet looking up at me and feeling ( I suppose for her) quite safe. The youngest two's faces lit up when they saw me sat in the church and the little boy asked me to take him up to the crib and to collect his candle instead of him MUm. Unusually the tears would be there wishing H was with me but this time I thought you are missing all this!.

It has taken me all this time to realise I am wasting my time texting him to try and get a reaction, nothing has worked so far and it is just a rejection all over when he does not reply. I have realised that in the 4 months he has been gone, although ringing and texting to see I am alright he has never made any sign he wants to come back. I can only go by what others who see him say. Until I hear anything either one way or the other from him I do not know.

I think I know deep down I am moving on, i still LOVEhim and miss him, I always will after 33yrs but I need to feel special, I need to feel loved and he cannot show me that respect so everything now will be offical and it is up to him to get in touch.

Here's t a good week

Jeanniexx

[jools]

I am pleased for you Jeannie, while still feeling sad that you have to go through all this. I often look out for your posts, willing you to be happy. You so deserve it!
Love Jools. XXX
________
LovelyWendie

Hi All,

Its a while since I last posted on here, months in fact. I still "lurk" from time to time but generally dont feel I have a lot to contribute. I guess like others we are all searching for answers from time to time and this forum helps somewhat in that quest.

Most of you posting on this particular thread are Woman who have been left by your husbands and I would appreciate your perspective on a particular incident that as happened to me recently.

For those of you who have read any of my early posts you will be aware that my ex wife (although technically still married - not sure why really?) had an affair (although has never admitted to it) and we seperated in mid 2003 (yep over 2 years ago!) We did try to get back together but finally called it a day in Sep 2003. We haven't had a lot of contact since, generally relying on texts for contact issues etc and I haven't actually laid eyes on her for over 6 months.

Anyway on to my point: I found out she had a boyfriend in around June 2005 which I am pretty sure was her first since our split.- I never let her know that I was at all bothered ( even though after all this time it still hurt, however I realised that it was just another hurdle to get over and was pleased that two years had past since our split). A few weeks ago I went out with a girl I had a brief liason with shortly after splitting with my ex, her and my ex dont exactly like each other! However she then refused to let me pick the kids up from her house leaving them at her Mums instead and sent me a text saying " Sorry but just dont want psycho Vicky near my home"

I am not sure what to make of this, it could be that she just genuinely hates this girl? or perhaps she wasn't quite ready for me moving on despite the fact she has a boyfriend herself? I am not sure if this is relevant but she had only been informed a few days earlier that I have cancer (early stage) I really am surprised that considering the circumstances she had to vent her feelings this way or do I just not understand women yet?

Dazed and Confused! ( Song title I think!)

[Concerned Reader]

Dear Dazed

I'm glad you are moving on with your life. Briefly; do not under any circumstances make an argument about whether or not your children should come in to contact with your girlfriend/s. It matters not a jot whether or not your ex is being reasonable about this - it is an argument in which there is only degrees of losing for you and the children who, really, should never have been put in this position.

If you are asking 'do I have a right to be angry?' then yep, you probably do. Now forego it and don't make a fight or you'll be the one in the wrong.

You will be hopping mad about this attitude - with good reason - but I emphasize again: make a fuss about your children being allowed contact with the g/f and you will regret it. It is not in your interests to have that argument and it is only a means of picking at old wounds. If you are going out with someone your ex disapproves of, say nothing. Why on earth did you tell her? Did it contain a tiny bit of a needle? I wouldn't blame you if it did, but all the same it isn't a shrewd thing for you to do.

Keep your private life separate from your family committments. Don't tell your ex because it is truly nothing to do with her. Keep it that way by not having the children interfere with your personal relationships, either.

Later, when you think there may be someone who the children need to get used to, then it will be time to forge new relationships based on certainty.

As you are probably upset by this response, let me apologise and say that I take a dim view of children being required to conform to a parade of boyfriends and that I would be saying very dusty things to your ex if she were asking the question. However, she is not here and you are.

Your welfare is best served by looking out for your health and keeping your children and your g/f separate matters until such a time as there is a relationship worth worrying about.

You asked about your ex's mind set? My guess is that it is one thing to have an ex h, quite another to accept that this might mean that a strange women could have access to your children which is not under your control. Frankly, any other woman in her space was going to antagonize her. Had you asked before hand, I'd have said the same thing. Don't pick a fight on this one; there is absolutely no winning in it and all you will do is embarrass the children for the sake of some g/f of no great import.

My best wishes for your health; what matters now is that you should be treated successfully and that you should stay on very good terms indeed with your children.

Dear Dazed

Hmmm. Well on the face of it. It could literally be a response hey I may not have wanted you, but I don't want any others to have you either - jeaslousy, ownership, etc. I should imagine (I am yet to experience this myself) that the first girlfriend by H has I will feel slightly odd. Not sure how I will react, but I do know many women that would react like your W has done. I'd like to say why we react like that, but can't answer. I don't have children, but can easily understand the protectiveness any parent would have. If I was you, I'd possibly just ignore it - unless she does stop you seeing your children which she has no right to do. Explain to her that they have not, and will not meet your new girlfriend, until you are ready for them to do so. Ok I agree with the sentiment keep family and girlfriend separate, but surely if there is any future in your current relationship then this stage will have to occur at sometime?

Understanding women. Well I sometimes think I understand men, and then you guys go and throw all theories on their heads but reacting differently or whatever. But her reaction was one either without thought or feeling for your current situation. I do know some people can react very negatively when news such as cancer is received, I can't understand a reaction like that, but self protection possibly? I am deeply sorry to hear this news, and I hope it is treatable. What else can I say here, I'll be honest I don't know, but I do wish you strength. Cancer is treatable and can be beaten.

Anyway enough of my ramblings
I hope everyone's weeks go smoothly

Spring
xx

HI Guys, Glad to hear Jeannie you are feeling a bit better, it is very hard to stop loving someone after so many years, you will prabably always love them a bit I know I will. I have a funny old weekend, my two girls went to see their Dads place for the first time and my eldests rang him up to ask if his girlfriend would be there, as she said she was not ready to meet her, she is only 13(not the girlfriend my daughter!) Anyway it took a lot of courage for her to make that phonecall but she did on her own back. They got to the house and about an hour into the visit the girlfriend arrived. My heart just broke for them and I just wanted to protect them from anymore hurt when they told me.

My ex just dropped them of and did a runner afraid I would give him an earful. WE all had a good cry and my youngest said she looks like a frog and has bad dress sense(she wants to be a fashion designer) so that made us laugh. But I am very annoyed that she arrived she could of texted to see if the coast was clear. He will probably drop up tonight, dont know if I should have a go at him or just leave it. But I do think he needs to know how upset the girls are, as he never see any of that side. What really annoys me is that I dont think he is going to be with this women long term as I know he has been on the chat rooms again, so why put my two little girls through it.

I am still really close to my exs family as they all think he has just gone mad and is looking for something that is not there. They have met the o/w and say its just not the same and there doesnt seem to be much connection between them (mind you maybe they are only being nice to me) I know she is very well off and they are going away to New York for his birthday, and that really hurts as we have brilliant holidays together. Sorry to go on but just feeling down at the moment and its nearly a year, need to give myself a good kick and realise I deserve better.

All the best

Jan

Hi guys, well I have spoken to him, albeit a phone call. Had a good weekend with the kids and today was good. Went xmas shopping, had a little money in the bank so got some food in and saw my two eldest grandchildren. No word from H in the post but daughter told me he rang last night for a chat and wanted to say goodnight to the kids. The eldest (6) did not want to talk to him she still rmembers the bad weekend when he was horrible to her but her Dad made her. My daughter spoke to him and said he was being a total b****** and to sort out my money, he just said it was sorted. They had a very stilted conversation when he told her the problems he was having with his car but nothjing else.

So I came home poured a large wine and rang his phone. Suprise, suprise he answered it and I asked him outright for some explanation to his actions. He admitted he still had feelings for me, our marriage was not a lie, but in the end he had enough of me going on at him for answers. I pointed out I sat and listened to him pouring his heart out but never in our marraige did he do that for me. He felt we just kept going around in circles, but he was the only one who could have broken it, so obviously he felt easier to walk away. I asked him if I deserved to be put through this worry every month and why he was messing me about. He said he wasn't and I would get the money the middle of every month. I said I needed it the beginning. He kept trying to end to conversation saying he was busy and at work, I pointed out after33yrs I needed to do this, he could not dismiss me in 10 minutes and to stop agreeing to meet me and then turning up early. I tried to tell him of the problems I was facing, and then asked outright if he wanted a divorce and sell the house. He did not want this. In the end I asked him to take his head from his backside and let me or the solicitor know what he wanted, I said I had a good case as he left me and since then messed me around and I would send him the bill.

I have since spoken to my sister who agreed and said she always felt he was not supportive of me and I should move on. I am sure he has not changed and he is the same in this relationship. He did not want to hear when I said he had lost the respect of me, my kids ( the response to that was - I suppose that is my fault) who elses ! and the respect of his colleagues. ( he responded with you keep saying that - as I pointed out he left me before a major op for a person who they knew her reputation)

I have signed up ( at first for a joke) to a dating agency on the internet to look for a friend. I was amazed yesterday to see I was winked at by a 31yr old. He was gorgeous but too near the age of my son. I have today been winked at by another person who looks quite nice. I have not sent my photo so he has not seen me. But I feel I am ready to just go out and have some company. H never made me feel special or showed respect and although I still love him and would have had him back I am ready to move on.

Let's see if tonight has done anything.

Jeanniexx

[jools]

Oh, Jeannie,
You've really put a smile on my face this evening! And I can't tell you how badly I needed that. I'm SO glad you're being winked at! You go girl!!!! Seriously, it will do you a lot of good. OK, so they might not all be ideal, but there's got to be someone out there for you. He's a silly man (your H) and one day he's gonna REALLY regret throwing his family into touch like he has. Maybe he'll realise when he sees you looking happy with your new man (whoever that might be).
Jools XXX
________
Pornstar Webcam

Funnily enough I too liked being winked at, it boosted my ego even though the other person does not know what I look like, personally I think not bad for my age and I act younger. Just been out to deliver xmas prezzies to our friends and told them ( H's work togther) what happened and they agree with me that the fact H has been ignoring me and the Solicitor shows he has not changed. He said he left because we used to go around in circles, he would never argue and sort things out he just would walk away and nothing would be resolved. This is what happened in the end, he must be the same with the o/w or putting on an act or maybe she thinks she can change him !

I told my daughter tonight and thought she would tell me to keep trying as she still sees him but she told me to forget him and go out and live my own life ! I told her I still feel I have failed in my marriage ( despite me being the only one who tried) but as she said I kept my vows and have nothing to reproachmyslef for and when he wakes up I can be strong enough to say I tried and now it is too late. He says he does not want a divorce or sell the house but why should I do all the worrying this end and she does it that end. He actually said 'well you are living in a house rent and mortgage free' as I pointed out yes it is our house and you left it, not my fault you moved into a council house !

Well going to look if anyone else has winked, maybe I have a future after all.!

Maybe we should set up a winking service here, its good for the ego.

Jeannie you made me smile! I think your husband has a cheek talking about you living in the house rent free. What are you - a lodger? He sounds like my soon to be ex husband. My story is posted elsewhere but our parting of ways boils down to the fact that, like your husband, he would never debate a point to conclusion. He just accused me of picking on him and said that he could never do anything right. It was like living with another child instead of a spouse - an equal. He admits now that he behaved like an idiot. That would have been okay - I was always, like you, willing to try again. But he went off and slept with my brother's wife. I couldn't have him back after that.

I do know how you are feeling. I went through so many emotions after we separated that I thought I was going mad. I felt resentment that my husband opted for another woman rather than talk through the issues in our relationship. The knowledge that he had discussed me and our relationship with her cut me like a knife - mainly because I know, from her attitude, that he was very unfair to me. He also admits that now, although he is concerned that the other woman doesn't find out that he has admitted it. He went back to her after I had insisted we divorce.

Unlike your husband, he begged to come back several times. But, because of who this woman is, I couldn't take him back. Plus, I knew that the rot had set in with our relationship years ago and, if he continued to refuse to communicate (which I know he would), there was no point resuming our marriage. Nothing was going to change and we would both be miserable.

August Bank Holiday I told him I wanted a divorce. I have now filed the papers on the grounds of his adultery and I have named her as a co-respondent. I am seeking my costs from both of them - I told my husband if he contested it, I would need to engage a solicitor, which he would have to pay for. I spared no detail in the petition (which angered my husband but made me feel better). Neither has contested the divorce, although the other woman complained about me making her look bad! Can you believe that? I expect it to be finalised in the new year, just in time for my 40th birthday. If you are looking to do this cheaply/speedily, drop me an email and I can let you know who is handling my case for me. They are on the web.

It will be hard - Christmas especially - but I plan to surround myself with friends and family, so hopefully I will be too busy to notice he isn't there. Plus I have my son living with me (although he is working and studying in Germany at the moment). I will be okay.

By the way, I know what you mean about dating sites. I joined one after I told my husband I wanted the divorce. Interestingly, he was irate about that too - said that the men on the site were losers for posting on the web instead of going out and meeting real people. I said we are all real people - and technology means that we can widen the pool of potential partners - making it less likely that we will end up with a dud. I left the 'again' unsaid.

The only thing I want to say about the dating site is enter into it with a degree of caution. I had this well of emotion when I joined my site, and I found myself feeling 'love' for another person pretty quickly. Thankfully, I realised that dating probably wouldn't be right for me at the moment - I am still too hurt and have too many moodswings. Plus I realised I was transferring feelings that I hadn't been able to feel for my ex - or perhaps behaving like a love struck schoolgirl. I stopped using dating sites in October for this reason.

I think you are right for making the decision to sever ties with your ex. You have been married for longer than me but I spent 20 years trying to get my husband to talk to me and it didn't work. Your husband isn't going to change. He is behaving in the way he is because he knows the price of returning to you will be a need to change and communicate with you - he knows he can't do that, just as my husband knows he can't make the change. And he needs to get real if he expects you to sit in limbo for the rest of your life!


Sorry to waffle on so long.

H