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Old 28th February 2011, 04:57 PM   #196
chosen
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Well she cant have it both ways, she needs you, but she doesnt want to be a wife???
It will actually do her a lot of good to loose the support that you give her, it will show her what life as a single mother will really be like, although she will probably just put more pressure on her mother then to help her.
The thing with a legal seperation, is that it will be more settled for the girls and you, but will still leave the door open for reconcilation if she ever comes to her senses.
I suspect she wont want a legal seperation, but actually wants you to end it completely.However it isnt you that wants to end the marriage.
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Old 28th February 2011, 07:03 PM   #197
stepgrah
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Chosen you are right. I spoke with my dad and he told me to hang in there and make her actually end the marriage and not let her off the hook. HE loves her as does my mum, but they are getting really upset at the way she is behaving and feel that she needs to take full responsibility for ending this.

They lso told me a few home truths as parents do and I had to deal with those as well. They said that if I was a better husband then this would not have occurred. But then again they also said that I have worked my socks off for the family to give them opportunities and this is no way to be cast aside.
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Old 28th February 2011, 07:28 PM   #198
chosen
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

It sounds like you have good and wise parents there.
Often parents will take the 'side' of their own child no matter who did what. My husbands ex had parents who seemed to overlook the fact that their own daughter had an affair and divorced him, was controlling, bossy and manipulative, and they blamed it all on him. So he became the 'big bad wolf'. Mind you, she may never have told them that she had an affair and she probably lied and told them all sorts of rubbish about him, so maybe it wasnt totally their fault. Good that you have fair parents who will say it like it is.
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Old 1st March 2011, 08:59 AM   #199
stepgrah
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

My parents love my wife and it is my mums bithday in May and she is holding a party and sent my wife a text inviting her and saying that she is their daughter in law and therefore family and no matter what that will never change.

Compare that to my own mother in law who will now not allow me past her kitchen and who the other week made me sit there for 90 minutes whilst my dughter got sorted without even an offer of a coffee.

We have another counselling session on Saturday and it will be interesting to see what occurs. When I spoke to my wife last night it was agreed that we need to get into discussing our issues in detail now.
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Old 1st March 2011, 09:26 AM   #200
Raymond
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

She needs you emotionally to support her but doesn't want to be married to you. Something wrong somewhere. What she wants comes with marriage. I don't want to be married to you but I need your emotional support. I think I agree with you in that it is time to pull the plug on the emotional support. A classic case of having your cake and eating it I think. This could make or break her. We are assuming in all this that your friend has got it right in relaying what she said, but it does make sense.
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Old 1st March 2011, 11:24 AM   #201
stepgrah
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Raymond,
I think the friend does have it right. My wife literally is having everything her way and has for god knows how long. She has been playing the victim card of having a terrible life when she clearly has had a fairly good one.
It came back to me this morning when she went to university after having the kids. One day she told me not to mention that we lived on a farm and not to drive the new car or mention that I worked for a large capitalist company. When I went to meet her I literally had to be quiet as she had obviously created a specific impression with people.
She likes to manage very carefully what people think of her. She protrays a lovely soft spoken genuine person who is just trying to do her best. But she has admitted to me that no one will ever know the real her apart from me.
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Old 1st March 2011, 01:48 PM   #202
Raymond
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

So she creates a character that people will like as she cannot believe they will like her for herself. You love her for herself but she rejects that because that will mean commitment. She is throwing away an awful lot. I think she is very fortunate to have you. She does have a rejection problem but won't be helped until she wants it I think.

You need to do what you have to do Steve instead of playing these games all the time. Hopefully it will bring her to her senses. If you are going to do it do it properly though. I mean withdrawing emotional support.
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Old 1st March 2011, 05:31 PM   #203
stepgrah
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Raymond,
I intend to raise it in counselling this Saturday with her and really get the message across that I respect her wish to be independent and therefore out of that respect will not take any calls for emotional back up as i now realise tht ultimately she does not need it. That will definitely hit home with her
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Old 1st March 2011, 05:44 PM   #204
chosen
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Good idea. If she wants to be single, then thats what she will need to get used to.She is wanting you to be a husband, but isnt being a wife.
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Old 2nd March 2011, 10:25 AM   #205
stepgrah
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

CHosen,
What you said i got straight away. It hurt like hell reading it but you are right. I went to her mothers this morning to collect my youngest. Basically right now she is not epereincing at all having to be a single mum.
Her mother had made her breaakfast and sandwiches for lunch. I was collecting my daughter for school and all my wife had to do was go to work. Even then she was in a state as she had to get there early.
I think that her mother is pivotal in this. No matter where my wife ends up she will need her mother to do what she is doing now in orfer for my wife to do what she does.
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Old 2nd March 2011, 01:55 PM   #206
chosen
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

She is actually being very unfair to her mother. She has bought up her own children and should not be having to do it all again. However her mum is making a rod for her own back by doing things like make her daughters breakfast and lunch etc.
Basically your wife just wants to go to work, and not have to bother about the house, her children, or her husband. She needs to get her own place so that she can actually experience what it is like having to cope alone. I was a single mum of 3 for 6 years and believe me, it is HARD, although I had no support from the childrens dad or my mum(she was dead by then)so a different situation.
I feel sad that her mum isnt giving her some tough love, and telling her that she needs to buck up, take responsibility, and be a mum to her children, and a wife to her husband.
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Old 2nd March 2011, 04:58 PM   #207
stepgrah
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

CHosen,
Her mum is 80 and lost her husband last August. She adopted my wife and both she and her husband have always pandered to her, hence why I think some of this has arisen. I think if her mother had been stronger with her as my parents have had with me, then we'd be together at least working on it.

I think it is going to be a situation of again her having to learn through looking back rather than forwards and avoiding it.
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Old 2nd March 2011, 06:17 PM   #208
chosen
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

So basically she has been spoilt. That does explain most of her behaviour.
An 80 year old woman should not be having all this pressure put on her. I am surprised that she has the energy to what she is doing.
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Old 2nd March 2011, 06:20 PM   #209
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

i think its easier when you have someone to fall back on, its almost like you dont have to worry what you do because there will always be someone to help, fall back on. her mom is doing this and it isnt helping the situation at all. i feel if she was alone without her mom to rely on, she would see it for what it is and would need to really look at thing properly. unfortunately there is nothing you can do about this, unless you speak to her mom and get her on side
state that you love your wife and you desperately want to sort things out and the only way you can do this is if she steps back alittle or talks to her to make her see sense
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Old 3rd March 2011, 02:03 PM   #210
Raymond
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Good if it can happen but making Steve wait for ninety minutes without a coffee or anything whilst his daughter sorts herself doesn't sound very friendly. So there are barriers to overcome in getting her help I think.

Counselling is usually for those who want help mending their marriage not for someone who doesn't want to be married and wants the other to divorce them.
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