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Old 28th February 2011, 05:31 PM   #136
david
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Re: Help me

We initially discussed July as our family holiday ends on 16 July. This gives us 4.5 months but of course should be need longer we would need to assess the situation.

I agree Raymond, that I can't do anymore at the moment. Flowers are on hold until things change.

Last edited by david; 28th February 2011 at 06:21 PM. Reason: typo
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Old 1st March 2011, 07:09 AM   #137
david
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Re: Help me

I didn't really want to impose a time limit, and I think that late July would be a point of true reflection after 7 months of trying. It may well be ok and much better by then. If not, we would both need to agree whether to give it more time or not. We both agree that 12 months would be too long, but we want to ensure that we have enough time to know that the right decision either way is the right one.
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Old 1st March 2011, 09:32 AM   #138
Raymond
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Re: Help me

If that is your gut instinct David go with it. Don't be restricted by artificial time restraints, but you are right this can't go on forever. You should know by then if she is being won back. Between now and then you need to use the time well as you have been doing.
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Old 1st March 2011, 10:16 AM   #139
david
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Re: Help me

that's my priority to win her back, if I can.
Our son who is 12 has aspergers, adhd and dyslexia. He is quite a handful at times. If the marriage remains in a low conflict position it had crossed my mind to carry on regardless providing my wife and i remain on good terms. Maybe this might extend and assist the healing process and enable some planning.
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Old 1st March 2011, 01:55 PM   #140
Raymond
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Re: Help me

If you can handle that it would be fine I think. You can work from within the marriage and win back what you had and more.

What do you mean by planning though?
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Old 1st March 2011, 02:05 PM   #141
david
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Re: Help me

[QUOTE=Raymond;60362]If you can handle that it would be fine I think. You can work from within the marriage and win back what you had and more.

What do you mean by planning though?[/QUOTE

This would enable us to feel more stable such as doing things in the house. I think that what i mean is turning positive thoughts about trying to save the marriage emotionaly and also extending that into practical aspects giving things to look forward to whilst the relationship repairs. I accept that this would only work if we were both agreeable, and that emotionally we were both able to cope with the situation. My view is that it would only work if we were getting on ok, but emotional repair was slow.

Last edited by david; 1st March 2011 at 02:09 PM. Reason: typo
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Old 1st March 2011, 07:30 PM   #142
Raymond
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Re: Help me

I think you are on the right track David and all your efforts should pay off in the long run.
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Old 2nd March 2011, 04:37 PM   #143
david
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Re: Help me

how do i break down her brick wall ? Nothing has worked so far. I think that she gave up 2 months ago. She told that she is a stone and will not alter her feelings.
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Old 2nd March 2011, 05:00 PM   #144
stepgrah
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Re: Help me

David,
Steve here again and all i can advise is hang in there and do what I am doing. BE consistent and try and love her and show it, but don't let yourself be walked over. The reason is that she needs to respect you as an absolute minimum. We both love our partners and presently they do appear to be set along a different path. I am hoping that as mine starts to open up in counselling, then something may happen in there.
Keep looking after yourself and try not to do anything from which you expect recognition, cos it won't come. DO it because you wanted to anyway .
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Old 2nd March 2011, 06:15 PM   #145
im-just-me
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Re: Help me

i feel that part of the problem here is that you want the marriage to be fine.NOW and its not going to work like that, you need to be patient, and yes it is hard, but only time will tell. carry on the way you have been, the better husband. reassure her thats this is how its going to stay. have you told her how you feel? that you are trully sorry for the way you had been, but you love her and dont want to lose her, it just took some time to realise this because people take things for granted.

its hard to believe a leopard will change his spots. this is not a dig at you, just stating the obvious
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Old 2nd March 2011, 06:57 PM   #146
Raymond
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Re: Help me

I think David has changed and has realised his neglect of his wife over the years. The little things you do David will help to break down that wall she has built. She has built it for protection but that wall can become a prison to her. You are the key person not only in saving your marriage but in saving her as well with regard to marriage I think.
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Old 2nd March 2011, 07:53 PM   #147
david
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Re: Help me

It's great to have so many good friends on here. Thank you.

I truly hope that I and you all can sort out our marriages and give other hope. Oh boy i've learnt so much in the past 2 months.
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Old 2nd March 2011, 09:54 PM   #148
david
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Re: Help me

Told me wife again that I was sorry tonight and asked her for forgivenees. She told me that she couldn't forgive me.
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Old 2nd March 2011, 10:14 PM   #149
im-just-me
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Re: Help me

telling her your sorry again is a good thing so she knows that your serious and didnt just spout it off. forgiveness takes time, she wont just wake up one day and it will all be forgiven, itll be gradual. BESIDES ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. you say your sorry now you have to prove it, make it up to her/your family.like i said keep up all the positive things you are doing. bit by bit. it will get easier and it will get better. be positive, think positive. dont say anything negative at all from this point.

this is what ive been doing, and it seems to be working, although the issue was with my husband rather than me, but it only takes one to try and the other will soon follow suit. or that is the hope anyway.

and just know this, you are not alone through all this. you have us. we know what youre going through because most of us have been there. we are all here for the same purpose to help our marriages and others marriages.

i have been in your wifes position, and what im telling you is exactly how i felt with my husband the situation. of course im not your wife so it may differ slightly but nevertheless its still good to have the other sides view.
i think you are a very strong person david, it takes a lot of strength and courage to change something about yourself, to be better. now use that strength to keep on going. you will be ok, were with you all the way.


above all be patient

Last edited by im-just-me; 2nd March 2011 at 10:19 PM.
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Old 2nd March 2011, 11:05 PM   #150
chosen
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Re: Help me

Quote:
Originally Posted by david View Post
Told me wife again that I was sorry tonight and asked her for forgivenees. She told me that she couldn't forgive me.
Forgveness isnt a feeling but a decision. If we all waited till we 'felt' like forgiving, we never would. I know people who have forgiven terrible things done to them, such as being abused as children by their father, and things such as being betrayed by their spouse. If she wont forgive then she is closing the door to making the marriage work. Unforgiveness will trap her in bitterness and resentment, and will damage her physically and emotionally.I am really not sure what there is that is so hard to forgive. It sounds as if there have been failings on both sides.
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