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Old 3rd March 2011, 07:19 AM   #151
david
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Re: Help me

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Originally Posted by chosen View Post
Forgveness isnt a feeling but a decision. If we all waited till we 'felt' like forgiving, we never would. I know people who have forgiven terrible things done to them, such as being abused as children by their father, and things such as being betrayed by their spouse. If she wont forgive then she is closing the door to making the marriage work. Unforgiveness will trap her in bitterness and resentment, and will damage her physically and emotionally.I am really not sure what there is that is so hard to forgive. It sounds as if there have been failings on both sides.
By failings, do you mean in the marriage? The door is closed at the moment.
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Old 3rd March 2011, 07:22 AM   #152
david
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Re: Help me

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Originally Posted by im-just-me View Post
telling her your sorry again is a good thing so she knows that your serious and didnt just spout it off. forgiveness takes time, she wont just wake up one day and it will all be forgiven, itll be gradual. BESIDES ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. you say your sorry now you have to prove it, make it up to her/your family.like i said keep up all the positive things you are doing. bit by bit. it will get easier and it will get better. be positive, think positive. dont say anything negative at all from this point.

this is what ive been doing, and it seems to be working, although the issue was with my husband rather than me, but it only takes one to try and the other will soon follow suit. or that is the hope anyway.

and just know this, you are not alone through all this. you have us. we know what youre going through because most of us have been there. we are all here for the same purpose to help our marriages and others marriages.

i have been in your wifes position, and what im telling you is exactly how i felt with my husband the situation. of course im not your wife so it may differ slightly but nevertheless its still good to have the other sides view.
i think you are a very strong person david, it takes a lot of strength and courage to change something about yourself, to be better. now use that strength to keep on going. you will be ok, were with you all the way.


above all be patient
Thank you. I value your, I hope that I don't let you all down. We need some good news on these threads from someone!
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Old 3rd March 2011, 10:09 AM   #153
chosen
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Re: Help me

Quote:
Originally Posted by david View Post
By failings, do you mean in the marriage? The door is closed at the moment.
Yes, but by that I mean that we are ALL fallible human beings, so we ALL make mistakes.In a marriage there are nearly always faults on both sides.Maybe there are things that you need to forgive her for as well? The only person she will hurt by refusing to forgive is herself.
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Old 3rd March 2011, 10:25 AM   #154
getaffe
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Re: Help me

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
Forgveness isnt a feeling but a decision. If we all waited till we 'felt' like forgiving, we never would. I know people who have forgiven terrible things done to them, such as being abused as children by their father, and things such as being betrayed by their spouse. If she wont forgive then she is closing the door to making the marriage work. Unforgiveness will trap her in bitterness and resentment, and will damage her physically and emotionally.I am really not sure what there is that is so hard to forgive. It sounds as if there have been failings on both sides.
I strongly agree with this. Without the will to forgive, a person can't ever forgive. Forgiveness doesn't happen over night, but it is something you work hard on. If your wife says she is trying to forgive you, then I think it's worth fighting for the relationship, if she is waiting for some miracle day on which she suddenly forgives you, then she will wait a long time. Time does not heal all wound.
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Old 3rd March 2011, 11:56 AM   #155
david
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Re: Help me

i am hoping by being different emotionaly that she will recognise i am a different caring man and will start to forgive me.
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Old 3rd March 2011, 01:15 PM   #156
chosen
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Re: Help me

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Originally Posted by david View Post
i am hoping by being different emotionaly that she will recognise i am a different caring man and will start to forgive me.
She needs to decide to do so.
Forgiveness isnt based on whether the one who hurt you is repentant or makes changes, but on the need to forgive regardless.
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Old 3rd March 2011, 01:50 PM   #157
david
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Re: Help me

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She needs to decide to do so.
Forgiveness isnt based on whether the one who hurt you is repentant or makes changes, but on the need to forgive regardless.
What do i do, just ask her? If she says no, do i give up?
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Old 3rd March 2011, 01:53 PM   #158
Raymond
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Re: Help me

Yes but better repentant behaviour makes it much easier.

The talk about deciding to forgive is very relevant here. If she has verbalised that she can never forgive she has virtually closed the door to be honest. If she says I will try to forgive even though she finds it difficult there is hope.

I don't know how you can move forward to be honest David whilst she is holding this debt over you. It is essential to a good marriage that forgiveness is taking place, even daily. She has plenty of evidence that you are attempting to make it up to her, but without her forgiveness it is going nowhere to be honest. This is a real block.

Nobody is saying that she hasn't been hurt and that the effects of the neglect haven't affected her, but if she is closing the door forever in spite of your efforts I cannot see the way forward. This is fundamental.

Really you need to say to her do you want to stay married to me or not. You are willing to be a better husband but if there is no forgiveness it is going nowhere to be honest. It is that important.
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Old 3rd March 2011, 02:32 PM   #159
david
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Re: Help me

do i approach this now? Do i need to ask her straight questions? I am happy to do so, but i was hoping my behaviours would grant her forgiveness. I don't know what i am doing.
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Old 3rd March 2011, 03:14 PM   #160
im-just-me
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Re: Help me

if you ask her direct questions now, it will not be the answers you want to hear. i feel you need to give her time, keep showing her that you care, youve changed. she will say that its too late, that she cant forgive you but she may feel differently in a month or two so dont push or rush this. it takes time. dont ask her yet. just wait, whats another month? it is evident that shes not in that place to forgive you right now but thats not saying she will not be. be patient

you are right your behaviour should warrant forgiveness more than just asking for it, like i said previously actions speak louder than words. and you do know what youre doing, youre trying and that what is needed here. granted she needs to try too but hopefully she will be ready to do this soon.
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Old 3rd March 2011, 06:54 PM   #161
Raymond
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Re: Help me

I think that is very good advice that ijm has given David.

You must have built up something over the month or so with what you have been doing. Carrying on doing it is advisable. Ultimately though there will come a point when it will have to be sorted.

If she will not forgive now will she forgive in three months time? Who knows the answer to that question. Her will is involved here as well. It is not only about the good you are doing but her response to that as well. I think carry on as you are until you get a witness within yourself that the time is right to ask those hard questions about forgiveness. One thing is sure in that until she does forgive the marriage will never be what it ought to be.
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Old 3rd March 2011, 07:10 PM   #162
david
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Re: Help me

Thank you.
I asked her tonight how she was, and how she saw things going. She said that she felt worse emotionaly and that she was struggling to cope. She that she was trying and found it very difficult. I said all the right things. Seems a little bit chirpier now.
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Old 3rd March 2011, 08:12 PM   #163
Raymond
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Re: Help me

Well done David. Your consideration is good. Something has to be happening in her. I think instinctively she will know that to open up to you emotionally she will need to forgive.
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Old 4th March 2011, 08:24 AM   #164
david
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Re: Help me

why does she feel worse after 2 months? Is this normal or am i doing something wrong?
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Old 4th March 2011, 08:56 AM   #165
im-just-me
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Re: Help me

how do you know she feels worse now then she did 2 months ago? did you ask her how she felt 2 months ago? i think your reading into everything, and you do that when youre trying to find answers, but only time will give you the answers you seek. you want it all too quick. i think now is the time when you dont ask anymore how shes feeling, keep trying what youve been doing, then in a month or two ask her then. if the reply is still the same then you can ask why she still feels this way? does she not feel youve tried/changed etc.
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