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Old 4th March 2011, 09:24 AM   #166
david
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Re: Help me

agreed. I am panicking here. I will calm down and reassess in 6 weeks time.
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Old 4th March 2011, 02:14 PM   #167
Raymond
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Re: Help me

That's very wise David. Never do anything in a panic. Carry on with what you are doing for a while as you are doing well. Who knows what her attitude will be down the line. You don't know what battles are going on in her mind. Maybe she closed the door and your behaviour is making her think. We just don't know. Give her a lot to think about David.

We were thrown as you said she said she will never forgive. That is a dangerous thing for her to say and we are hoping that she doesn't really mean that.
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Old 4th March 2011, 03:56 PM   #168
im-just-me
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Re: Help me

im giving my hiusband a really hard time to not want to come home, and it seems to be working, i dont mean by nagging but by doing little nice things, watching films we both like, doing more things he likes, talking even about his work which i feel is one of the problems.

so make it very hard for her not to forgive you, if shes worth it/your marriage is worth it then fight for it. i feel that your story will have a happy ending, just believe in yourself.

stop second guessing what shes thinking, dont ask her what shes thinking, be positive and above all be patient. good thigs come to those who wait!
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Old 4th March 2011, 04:03 PM   #169
david
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Re: Help me

Thank you. I will try everything I can to save this. I love her
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Old 5th March 2011, 05:36 AM   #170
lilac
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Re: Help me

Hello David,
Never having posted on your thread before, but having read it all, I just had to comment. You are a most wonderful, considerate, loving man whom any wife would be priveledged to have as her husband. Your continual expressions of love and faith in your marriage strongly display this. I so admire your strength of character and your commitement to your wife. I hope all of your efforts achieve your desired effect. No one could try harder than you have. I know just how hard it is.
My very best to you David. Stay strong.
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Old 5th March 2011, 09:49 AM   #171
david
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Re: Help me

Bad news

If just had a discret look at my wifes diary whilst she was out. After telling the in-laws about our issues last week, she met with a solicitor on Wednesday, despite our agreement not to do anything until July.

Maybe I am panicking here, and maybe she just want's to know where she stands if the worse happens, but this is not a positive move and clearly the in-laws have interferred.

What do i do? Ingore it? Ask her?

Am I wasting my time with this relationship?
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Old 5th March 2011, 10:04 AM   #172
im-just-me
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Re: Help me

oh david not a good move to read her diary, if you comment on this she will know that you have been snooping so to speak, and any progress you have made will be lost. it may be that she is looking at all her options so she can see the picture as a whole and is more equipped to deal with the situation. no it doesnt sound positive but now youre in a real pickle because its hard to keep something like this to yourself, you will want to confront her, but it wont do it any good. and now you will be going out your mind, worrying about it, why do we do it to ourselves?

just because shes gone to a solicitor doesnt mean shes acted on anything as such, probably just got some advice, a just in case scenario.

like i said on a previous post, if the worse does come, but hopefully not at least you can say you tried, you can hold your head up high and say i did everything that i could. and believe me this will help you because you wont be sitting there thinking what if id done this/said this etc. keep your chin up and no regrets!

Last edited by im-just-me; 5th March 2011 at 10:39 AM.
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Old 5th March 2011, 10:41 AM   #173
im-just-me
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Re: Help me

easier said than done, i know, im sitting here thinking after posting this, the only regret i will have is why he didnt feel the same, why wasnt i worth fighting for? why does 10 years mean nothing to him and everything to me? i hope it all goes well with you david.
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Old 5th March 2011, 11:26 AM   #174
david
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Re: Help me

I suspect the appointment was simply the aftermarth of announcing the news to the in-laws. Even so, dissappointing considering what I am trying to do.
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Old 5th March 2011, 02:03 PM   #175
david
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Re: Help me

Update on everything.

After telling in-laws last week, I checked wife's diary and she went to see a solicitor on Wednesday with mother-in-law.

She has not mentioned the solicitor meeting with me, and I suspect that she is weighing up her options or simply getting a feel of what need's to be done. I'm a bit disapointed, and assume that this was instigated by the in-laws.

We then talked about where we are now. We are finding it very difficult. She accepts that i have changed, but that i won't be able to keep it up, and that 20 years of neglect may never be put right.

She agrees that we need more time, and that we will know when we have given it enough time. We think that 4 months would be enough, but we would extend this if we both agreed. It might be that we let my daughter start unniversity in october, but I suspect we will know the position before then.

We discussed what would happen if things didn't work out, such as assets, children. It was alll very matter of fact but reasonable.

She accepts I think that the house would most likely to be sold.

She saids that she was trying, but it wasn't working, but would tell me if she couldn't cope with it anymore, but for now she was still holding on. We discussed that we might consider a trial separation, before we did anything rash.

Overall rather gloomy, but we needed to know where we are, and we have 4 months to seek improvement.

Last edited by david; 5th March 2011 at 02:05 PM. Reason: typo
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Old 5th March 2011, 03:23 PM   #176
david
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Re: Help me

Quote:
Originally Posted by lilac View Post
Hello David,
Never having posted on your thread before, but having read it all, I just had to comment. You are a most wonderful, considerate, loving man whom any wife would be priveledged to have as her husband. Your continual expressions of love and faith in your marriage strongly display this. I so admire your strength of character and your commitement to your wife. I hope all of your efforts achieve your desired effect. No one could try harder than you have. I know just how hard it is.
My very best to you David. Stay strong.
Thank you.

I am someone who has neglected their marriage for too long and believe I have left it too late. I hope that I can find happiness with someone once this hurt heals. I fear I have left this marriage too late.
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Old 5th March 2011, 04:49 PM   #177
lilac
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Re: Help me

David,
We are all learning from our experiences, as painful as they are. At least you are one of the people who have come to know the important ways a marriage should be managed. There will always be new people who come to find out the hard way what to do and not to do. I feel your pain in saying "I have left this marriage too late" as I too have come to realize that about mine. But know that you have learned the important lessons which you will carry forward with you into the future. The same situation would not happen for you. Your pain with "too late" will not be visited again. Have courage David. You are doing the very best that you can.
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Old 5th March 2011, 05:03 PM   #178
chosen
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Re: Help me

I feel sad that in a marriage like yours David, where there has been no adultery, no physical emotional or sexual abuse, that she isnt prepared to even try, to forgive and to give you a another chance.Where is the 'for better or for worse?'
Seeing a solicitor is a sign that she is seriously thinking about divorce I would think.She really has no reason to divorce you in my opinion without one of those things, but maybe she has secretly made her mind up anyway, I dont know.
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Old 5th March 2011, 05:18 PM   #179
Raymond
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Re: Help me

She agrees that we need more time, and that we will know when we have given it enough time. We think that 4 months would be enough, but we would extend this if we both agreed. It might be that we let my daughter start unniversity in october, but I suspect we will know the position before then.

I see a hope there David. If she agrees that you need more time then there's a bit of openness there. She still can't believe that you can keep it up therefore you have to prove her wrong. There is not a downright rejection there and plenty of reason to continue what you are doing. She is not used to getting your love but she could be learning slowly without realising it. It is hard for you to feed her with love when she thinks it may be taken away again because of the past. You have to let her know you mean business and even get to the place of renewing your vows together hopefully. It is a matter of trust really.
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Old 6th March 2011, 07:21 AM   #180
david
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Re: Help me

This is not easy for me, my mother is suffering from Ovarian Cancer and I don't want to tell her about my marriage problems unless I really have to.

I need to conserve my energy now and start to think about me and my possible life if this all falls apart. I will still try, show love and affection, but in a slightly less focused way as I need some stamina now.
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