Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > Advice > Marriage Help

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 8th March 2011, 10:45 AM   #1
1heartbrokenlady
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 110
help needed- i'm heartbroken

Hello

If anyone is able to give me some advice I would be very grateful.

I have found out that my husband has been cheating on me online. I had suspicions & had challenged him over the last few weeks. He said that he was just chatting with freinds (old freinds), and that i was mad, paranoid & in the head as he put it. I have been suffering from depression/anxiety & I started to doubt what my mind was telling me. It was intuition, i could see that he wasn't the same & he was on the computer an awful lot, staying up late at night.

We were out recently, a few days ago, & i just knew, he was quiet & was being very attentive, I told him, I'm nobody's fool & that he's not making a fool out of me. I left him there, drove home, & when I got in i told my son what i thought, & my son said 'I know'. My son had been accessing programmes with which to log what my husband was doing. My husband had left the browser open on my son's laptop a few weeks ago, & my son had read what was said. From that night my son had been capturing and logging the conversations, he also had my husband's password.

I went online & pretended to be my husband, & the woman went along with it, later after my husband came home I went back on & told her who she had been talking to earlier, that I knew what had been going on & that I am nobody's fool. I told her that I considered marriage to be sacred and special, & that we were close. We have drifted a little i think since i've not been well, but my depression had nothing to do with problems in our marriage- a couple of tragic events had happened to those closest to me in a short time period & i went downhill sometime afterwards, i guess it was the fall after the storms.

I told him to leave and he has. I feel ever so hurt, the pain i'm feeling is awful. I feel let down, disappointed,angry, and so very hurt- so many feelings. I love my husband so much, & always have.

thank you for any help & advice
1heartbrokenlady is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th March 2011, 10:55 AM   #2
im-just-me
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 26
Re: help needed- i'm heartbroken

how truly terrible, i am sorry that you find yourself on here. what did your husband say when you confronted him? did he say sorry, a reason perhaps. i know no reason is valid for infedility i was just wondering. did he object at all when you told him to leave? do you know this woman at all? also what was the woman saying to you when you told her who you was.

im sorry for all the questions but it may help when replying to you. know this, you are not alone, you have came to the right place, for advice and support.
im-just-me is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th March 2011, 11:02 AM   #3
im-just-me
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 26
Re: help needed- i'm heartbroken

as he actually met up with this woman or is an emotional affair? (both are bad) but if it is just an emotional affair you may be able to nip it on the bud now and try and work things out (if that is what you want to do) if it is that he has met up and they have been intimate with each other, then this is harder to forgive, but still can be done if that is what you want.

you need to talk to your husband at some point to find out why, if he still wants your marriage to work. you also need to find out what you want in all this.

you may not feel strong enough to do it now, dont rush it, do it when your ready. but you are stronger than you think. it will get easier/better.
im-just-me is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th March 2011, 11:10 AM   #4
1heartbrokenlady
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 110
Re: help needed- i'm heartbroken

hello

when he came home i told him that i knew & said that i have two clever sons who as he knows are very good with computers. He denied it at first as he had before. He slept on the sofa, i went to bed, & didn't sleep at all. the following morning i was in a terrible state, shaking and crying, & i told him i'd been on chat with the other woman,he just asked, 'how did you get my password' & 'you can't have', he went grey instantly (his face) & was sweating. He was shocked to say the least.

The other woman replied twice to my two messages, saying they were only chatting & nothing had 'happened', i told her i don't care it was in his mind & that i would never know exactly what had happened & neither did i want to. I told her that i expected her husband didn't know- she has children aswell. I said he won't know unless you have clever sons who are good with computers as I have. I told her that they were both as bad as one another & that they should be ashamed of themselves, & that it must come naturally for them. I told her that my husband had made love to me a few nights ago, & probably after he'd been on FB with her, & that this had made me feel so dirty. She just said we were just chatting, & lol, which i really didn't like, I said i'm not 'lol' & neither are my children.

My son was so upset when he told me on thursday, he was scared to tell me.

My husband has said he loves me, he didn't cope at all when i was very distressed, i felt like i couldn't breath let alone talk. Our little boy was wiping my tears away & my older sons were holding me close to them. they have gone through him like a dose of salts, honestly.

thank you for your reply x

Last edited by 1heartbrokenlady; 8th March 2011 at 01:36 PM. Reason: spelling
1heartbrokenlady is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th March 2011, 11:25 AM   #5
1heartbrokenlady
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 110
Re: help needed- i'm heartbroken

hello

I haven't answered your questions, got carried away.

no, i don't know her.
he said that they hadn't met & she said the same. But he had asked her to so I don't know for sure. She said something that was inappropriate when she thought i was my husband.

He didn't want to leave, but then he said afterwards that he couldn't stay because too much had been said. He cried an awful lot.

She had been using an alias, she was on fb again on saturday, & I challenged him about that, the name was so obvious. He said it wasn't her, so i said there are two then, it's getting worse. He looked at the floor, & then said she does that because of her husband, & i said yes, & for your wife. I said what kind of person is she, unbeliavable & he was as bad for going along with it.

thanks
1heartbrokenlady is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th March 2011, 11:51 AM   #6
im-just-me
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 26
Re: help needed- i'm heartbroken

has your husband said that he would like to work on the marriage and come back? do you want him too? it does sound like an emotional affair and that they havent met up, but that doesnt make its right or easier because it still means he has thought about it.

you sound like you have very supportive sons, they should help make it easier and get you through this. as will we x
im-just-me is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th March 2011, 12:09 PM   #7
1heartbrokenlady
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 110
Re: help needed- i'm heartbroken

my husband hasn't said that he wants to work at our marriage, no. We didn't talk like that, it was all very emotional stuff at the time as you can imagine.

He said he was sorry quite a few times when I was very distressed,& i love you to me many times, & that he doesn't want the other woman, & that he doesn't want to be with anyone else but me. He said that he had needed someone to talk to & this was the reason he did it.

He said that he wouldn't have met up with her, that he was 'joking' when he asked her to, & that he hadn't got feelings for her (he told her he had) & that was one of the posts i read. I couldn't read them all there were far too many! I hadn't the inclination or the patience to go through everything, & i guess i wanted to save myself from more hurt.

I called him earlier, & he called me back, he asked what did i want, & i told him i wanted to talk with him & also some practical things that we hadn't clarified before. He said that he didn't want to go on fb again. He said that he would pick our little boy up from school tomorrow and would see me then.

I want to talk with him, i don't want to just leave it as it is. I miss him ever such a lot despite what's gone on. My sons are angry, which is natural, they see it very much as black/white, they're young and i guess that as they grow they will see the world quite differently. I am worried about this, i doubt they would accept him if i did forgive him & want him to come home.
1heartbrokenlady is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th March 2011, 01:10 PM   #8
Pointless
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 1
Re: help needed- i'm heartbroken

So facebook stricks again eh?
Pointless is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th March 2011, 01:30 PM   #9
1heartbrokenlady
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 110
Re: help needed- i'm heartbroken

it most certainly has. But i don't know if i can fully blame fb. It could have happened over the phone or at work, any situation, anywhere- it would've been hurtful & difficult. Thing is i have been in the same room as him while he's been doing it, he even had my name as part of his password...unbelievable,

it's the deceit, & even when i challenged him & told him how i felt he denied it.

If you're saying that fb & similar make it easier then i'd agree with you on that one.

The joke is that some that frequent fb or similar boast about how many friends they have etc etc...& i'm thinking why do you need to go on there to be around so called friends, it seems there are few who understand my view, i certainly get it.
1heartbrokenlady is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th March 2011, 01:41 PM   #10
Helen_uk
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,531
Re: help needed- i'm heartbroken

I guess what happens next is down entirely to what you and H can work out. You need to be very sure what you want before you talk to him about it . Do you want him to stop all contact with the O W or do you want him to stop going online ?

If he is truly sorry - as he says - then he will show that by working to build up your trust in him , and that takes time .

I don't think Facebook is the problem per se , but there is no doubt at all that the advent of social networking sites and chat rooms does offer a shed load of opportunity to those inclined to stray.

Mobile phones similarly have made it easier.

I suffer depression myself and I know it's hell to live with , your H though should be looking at ways to support you , not finding cheap gratification online.

I went through a similar experience with my ex partner so I know exactly how you're feeling and it's devastating.

Much will depend on what happens when you next have a talk, boundaries need to be set - and adhered to. For me that would include NO secrets and NO contact with women privately that he wasn't willing for you to be aware of.
Helen_uk is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th March 2011, 02:00 PM   #11
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: help needed- i'm heartbroken

Facebook is just a medium that can be used for good or bad.

I think what is needed here is repentance evidenced by a change of behaviour. If that is there and there is a bit of evidence that it is, then forgiveness would be in order. I would sit on it for a while though. This is a way forward but not to be done quickly as you need to make sure the repentance is there. Let him stew for a while hbl. He has done wrong but if he is really sorry forgiveness should mend the marriage. As Helen says the trust will take a while to be built up again. That always takes time. I would give it a few days, or more if needed, when you have got over it a little and see if the repentance is there for now. Repentance means you are truly sorry but is evidenced by a real change.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th March 2011, 02:09 PM   #12
1heartbrokenlady
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 110
Re: help needed- i'm heartbroken

Helen & Raymond

Isn't it hard, so very painful, & i felt like he, or rather they had made a complete fool of me. it hadn't gone on for long, weeks certainly not months because he wasn't on fb until recently. This has helped me in knowing that they weren't carrying on for a long time without my knowing.

what does hbl mean raymond?
thank you both x
1heartbrokenlady is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th March 2011, 02:47 PM   #13
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: help needed- i'm heartbroken

hbl-heartbroken lady.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th March 2011, 03:27 PM   #14
1heartbrokenlady
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 110
Re: help needed- i'm heartbroken

many thanks
1heartbrokenlady is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th March 2011, 05:12 PM   #15
So alone
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: help needed- i'm heartbroken

I felt I have to write this to you as I know exactly that pain you describe. Please feel free to read through any of my old posts. I haven't been around here for a while but thought I'd come along and I saw your post.

I have reread this and I know it may appear rather blunt and strong, but I want it to protect you and help x

For a start and for the record your husband wasn't 'joking' when he asked the other woman to meet him. He SAYS that to you to make you feel like an idiot for thinking he actually would and thereby convincing you that you're overreacting. But please believe me he would meet her given the opportunity (that's if he hasn't already) When you say you're going to meet someone, do you tell them later on that you were just making a joke? No you don't. Making comments like 'I was joking' 'I didn't really mean it' don't be so uptight' and anything that generally plays upon your own fears is his way of him shirking any of his responsibility of what he was doing because he is diluting it by putting the ownership of it onto you. By being passive in this way, asking what it is YOU want rather than stipulating what HE wants and being somewhat vague in whether he wants to sort your marriage out and then crying (making it look like he is sorry but without actually admitting to anything) is a dastardly thing to do, but oh so devious and non-commital. It simply boils down to the fact that you caught him out and he doesn't like it. Of course you don't want to leave things as they are because you want this sorted out, but where is he and what exactly is HE doing about it? I'm not seeing very much from him and why not? Notice he isn't actually doing anything apart from make it appear as if he is...

It doesn't matter that you have been suffering with anxiety and depression, you are human but I sense however he's done a good job on you making you doubt yourself a little. What a foolish man your husband is and a coward too. He needs to pull himself together and quick smart.

I say well done to you because you are indeed a very brave, smart and intelligent lady, you have children whom you are bringing up with good morals too and that's no easy task in the world which we live in. It's so desperately painful and hurts so very much because you love both truthfully and honestly. You are not afraid unlike he. Your heart feels this deep, cutting pain because you are brave enough to have allowed to feel it.

I salute you hbl and am sending you all healing thoughts,

Much love, x
  Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 01:14 AM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer