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Old 24th March 2011, 01:28 PM   #1
MsEraz
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I'm conflicted...HELP!

Rightio, I am about to burst, so throwing caution to the wind and am going to share.

My husband and I have been married for 8 years now. We're both very career orientated, and both of us are definitely alpha personalities.

A few years back we were on holiday and he was being a complete jerk. Complaining and shouting at me for reading the map wrong, be impatient etc. We had a huge row in the hotel room and I was so angry with him out of nowhere I ordered him to drop his shorts and bend over the bed. He looked shocked, and was stunned to silence. I was really embarrassed, but instead of putting my hand over my mouth in shock of myself I powered through, saying (now calmly but firmly) "I've had enough, this is going to stop. Pull your shorts down and bend over that bed NOW". Well, he stood up, did as he was told and handed me his leather belt when I asked for it. I then tanned his butt with that belt significantly whilst explaining just how his behaviour was making me unhappy and he did not have a right to make me unhappy, infact he had a duty to make our marriage enjoyable for both of us and I was sick of being the only one putting any effort in.

Vacation saved. Experience not repeated, but husband responded well and things went well for a while.

Now, January this year. He's having a mile-stone birthday this year and gets very serious about his "resolutions". We chat BIG on the stoep and the wine flows. The spanking I gave him before comes up and, with the wine, I was honest and said that I had found it cathartic and that I did see a real change in him for the better afterwards. To my amazement he agrees with me and thanks me for giving him the "reality check". I have to say I was impressed. He then asks if I would be receptive to a formal proposal from him. Ofcourse I am intrigued by this and agree...

The next day I get an email, very loving in tone. Attached is a formal document where he states how much he loves me and our life togther. He admits a few of his bad habits, and he admits to being a bone-head male sometimes and that he can try and bully me. He declares he wants to be the best husband he can, and he states clearly some of his other goals for this year... all of which are fairly difficult, like cutting down drinking, getting fit, stopping smoking etc.

His proposal was that he prepares a weekly report for me about his goals/objectives and how he's achieved against them. He also wrote down some "basic minimum standards" which he volunteers to adhere to, like buying me a small gift once a week, organising a date night twice a month, drawing me baths, foot rubs etc and also things like pulling chairs out for me at tables and opening the car door for me... gentleman stuff.

Here's the kicker... if he fails to meet his own objectives, curses ir shouts at me or does not adhere to his Basic Minimum Standards I am to spank him well past his comfort levels. We have bought a formidable wooden paddle for this.

I agreed. We started the new dynamic off by my spanking him well into the next week. He thanked me afterwards!

So, 3 months in... he's loving like he was when we first met. We have more romance in our life, we have more and better sex! I'm less stressed and tired as he does his share of chores and more. He's polite and patient with me. My friends remark on what a dreamboat he is and they all are jealous of the flowers and little love-gifts I get (after 8 yrs of marriage!) and keep asking me what the secret is.

BUT, now 3 months is done he says that thats all fine we can stop. I'm afraid I said "no" and I kinda meant it. I told him I have no intention of going back to the old ways, and this discipline thing is here to stay.

I know it's weird (or is it?). I know spanking is for children (but, again, is it?) I guess I just needed to spit it out openly and see what others think. He's accepted the discipline stays and even agreed after talking that it's entirely avoidable through him staying sweet and focused... I'll add that I got sick and we missed 2 weeks "reporting" and he was quickly slipping back into the "old way" and a hard spanking turned it around again instantly...

So, what are your comments?
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Old 24th March 2011, 01:45 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: I'm conflicted...HELP!

I don't think you are conflicted at all and are trying it on. I don't see how a man can be a proper man who is bossed and punished like this. More like a child really. We good give behaviour out of love not punishment.

I know there is a sexual element to this but that is another story.
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Old 24th March 2011, 02:08 PM   #3
MsEraz
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Re: I'm conflicted...HELP!

Thanks for taking the time to reply Raymond.

I am conflicted, and I think due to it being such an "out the box" situation.

Your comments interested me though. I had reservations at the start, especially about whether I would lose respect for him, or if he would be a "wimp" for accepting my discipline. In our specific case I feel "no", he's actually a brave man for asking for this. I also admire the element of it thats about self improvement of himself.

I'm a bit confused by "how can a man be a proper man" though? What do you mean? What is a "proper man"? Surely a "proper man" is a human being with the correct chromozones for "male" and/or in posession of a penis and testicles?
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Old 24th March 2011, 02:36 PM   #4
chosen
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Re: I'm conflicted...HELP!

Frankly I cant belive that this is real, but if it is, it is totally wrong, You are not his mother and it isnt your role to discipline your own husband, whether that be by beating him, telling him what to do, or expecting him to report you like a naughtly school boy.
Is he allowed to beat you when you do things wrong as well, or is it just him who is to be beaten?
I think that you both have some serious issues, you of serious control and liking to inflict puinishment(which is sadism),and he of masochism, and of allowing his own wife to treat him in such a demaning manner.
You need to start respecting your husband, and treating him like a man, and then maybe he will start acting like one.

I hope that you dont abuse any future kids like this, and do you realise that your husband could actually report you for serious bodily assault and you could go to jail? This is serious abuse,and he is enabling it. by not standing up to you like a man. He already said he wanted it to stop and you said no.Just stop it now is my advise.

Last edited by chosen; 24th March 2011 at 02:54 PM.
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Old 24th March 2011, 03:20 PM   #5
MsEraz
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Re: I'm conflicted...HELP!

Thank you for your reply chosen.

I am left wondering if you even read my post?

"Frankly I cant belive that this is real" - yes, it is, believe it.

"expecting him to report you like a naughtly school boy" - I didn't. It was his initiative and was proposed to me in writing, by him.

"or is it just him who is to be beaten?" - Just him.

"allowing his own wife to treat him in such a demaning manner" - Yup, you didn't read my post, did you? This was his deal, not mine. He sets his own goals, i just dish it out if he fails to achieve them.

"You need to start respecting your husband" - I respect him immensely, even more so since embarking on this with him, at his request. It takes a brave man to submit like this.

"He already said he wanted it to stop and you said no" - OK, maybe you read some of my post! Yes, thats true, however he is in agreement with us continuing now and part of his request to cease the agreement was that he thought I was finding it distasteful and a chore... which I do not.

"by not standing up to you like a man" - more "off the shelf" knuckle-head stereo-types I see. I actually think he's very manly and brave and tough to set his own goals and ask for independent consequences to be born on him if he fails.

* We have children and do not spank them. Thats an entirely different subject altogether from two consenting adults exploring marriage and motivation together.

But thanks, hey.
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Old 24th March 2011, 03:30 PM   #6
Chamomile
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Re: I'm conflicted...HELP!

I have read the OT with interest.
My H is exactly the same as you describe about your h, Ms.

Once I disagreed over something minor, he shouted and told me to get out of the car immediately.

When we were away, usually he blows his lid off in a major way at least, once and usually he accuses me of being "irritating".

Last one was when he was driving me to see a hospital consultant, he started to shout yet again for something extremely minor.

I often thought he was fatigued and stressed from his demanding work but these days, I just think he's just an immature "i**t" who thinks he's wonderful and I am someone to blame for all his anger.

Going back to OT, I would say, you would need to be very careful with your action. This can be seen as grievous actual bodily harm at any time. I believe, sadism is illegal in many countries as well.

Using a belt to punish someone, is hardly going to be a long-term solution though, as Raymond has accurately said, it has some sexual component to it and perhaps this is giving you some release (you mention, "cathartic").
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Old 24th March 2011, 03:49 PM   #7
MsEraz
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Re: I'm conflicted...HELP!

Thanks Chamomile. Yes, the belting was the "first" of all this, but there was a long time lapse between that and his bringing me the proposal to discipline him. We use a wooden paddle now, not the belt.

I'm also 99.9% certain we're safe on the legal side of things. Where we live spanking is still in schools, it is not illegal to spank your children (although we don't) and I have seen professional dominatrix's openly advertising locally.

And, guys, lets get real here, OK. If Hubs wanted to say "No!" and refused my discipline there would be nothing I could do about it. He's simply bigger than I am! LOL!
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Old 24th March 2011, 04:01 PM   #8
chosen
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Re: I'm conflicted...HELP!

Just because your husband doesnt refuse to be treated like this, that doesnt make it right. I did read ALL your post, twice actually, becaue I couldnt believe it at first,and I have just read it again in case I missed something. (I didnt), and I am still appalled that any wife would think that it was oK to act like this with her husband. Also why is it ok to do this to your husband and not your children when they dont behave as YOU think they should.?
How demaning this all is and how disrespectful. He is not supposed to submit to you, he is your husband and deserves more respect.
If you think it is such a good idea then why not submit to Him, and let him beat you when you do things wrong, or is it just him who isnt perfect?
Whatever you say, at any time in the future, he can report you for serious physical abuse,for actual bodily harm, with dire consequenses for you.
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Old 24th March 2011, 04:11 PM   #9
MsEraz
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Re: I'm conflicted...HELP!

My dear chosen,

We don't all live in the US, and aren;t therefore all subject to US laws. We are not breaking the law in our own community.

You continue to refuse to see that HE asked ME to provide this for HIM. I therefore fail to see why you feel so compelled to attack me. Sounds like you might do well with some time across my knee.

The difference here between our marriage and children is that our children are still learning, growing up and experimenting. They have not come to us and said "I want to make sure I achieve XYZ and I would be honored if you could provide some outside motivation by whipping my butt for me if I fail to meet my own objectives". Nor are they experienced or mature enough to make such a request.

I do not submit to him because I do not want to, nor do I feel the need. Obviously he did, and did, so I did.

I respect my hubby immensely. He is an extraordinary man and capable of so very much... you have no idea.

Now, other than beating your chest and wailing "me man" from the tree-tops, do you have anything constructive (or even pleasant) to add?
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Old 24th March 2011, 05:15 PM   #10
im-just-me
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Re: I'm conflicted...HELP!

I was just wondering what do you do if he achieves his goals? I hope you reward these too. Its alittle weird but each to their own and if like you say he came to you with the idea and is consenting to it then if it works for you.whatever. I just wonder what happens when this method doesn't work anymore? Will it be harsher? Just trying to be construtive like you asked.
Could you not try something different, less painful that still has the desired effet. With children you an take their favourite toy away or ut off tv for a week. Something like that for adults? I don't know.its a tricky one because I've never thought slapping or spanking is a good or right form of punishment.but like I said each to their own
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Old 24th March 2011, 05:49 PM   #11
chosen
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Re: I'm conflicted...HELP!

I dont live in the US either, I live in the Uk, but I am not sure what laws have to do with something that is so wrong. Anyhow,are you saying that beating an adult isnt a crime, because it is.

Some time ago I came across a so called 'Christian' site (believe me, it wasnt) that said that husbands should be allowed to physically abuse and beat their wives if they misbehaved. Yuk, it made me cringe inside, and feel so sad, just as beating a husband does.

So he submits to you, but you dont to him. Now that seems extreemly one sided and unfair, and rather pompous to suggest that you dont need to but he does. Are you the perfect wife then? Are you a perfect human being? Do you never make mistakes?
As a Christian I believe that my husband is the head of the family, and thank God he would never treat me the way that you treat your husband. He has too much love and respect for me to do so.

You claim that HE asked YOU to do this, however I believe that it is YOU who first suggested it and TOLD him to take his trousers down and bend over the bed. Also you cant blame him for doing this, when you didnt have to agree to anything that is so demeaning for him.
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Old 24th March 2011, 06:12 PM   #12
Helen_uk
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Re: I'm conflicted...HELP!

I have a different take on this MsEraz , that probably goes against the other views on here....

I think anything that goes on between 2 consenting adults , that's legal is fine. I'm not sure it's exactly what a marriage guidance counsellor would recommend but if BOTH of you are happy with the arrangement then I can't see a problem .

It seems to have improved the marriage and eventually it may run it's natural course , providing it stops if either of you are no longer comfortable with it ... then no harm done.

I can't see that it would lead to your spanking your children with a paddle , which is completely different . I also think there is a world of difference between consensual spanking and beating .
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Old 24th March 2011, 06:28 PM   #13
chosen
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Re: I'm conflicted...HELP!

I cant understand why it is ok to beat your husband but not your children. (Not that I believe in beating either). I still cant believe this is real. Quite incredible.

Even if something is legal (and its only legal because he hasnt reported this abuse as yet, he just may do one day)that doesnt make it right or beneficial or moral. Porn isnt illegal and that is evil. Adultery isnt illegal but that is also evil.

You are treating this grown man like a naughtly little boy, and the sad thing is that he thinks he should be treated this way. Where is his self respect?.
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Old 24th March 2011, 06:55 PM   #14
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Re: I'm conflicted...HELP!

I guess because I don't view it as beating, which has a different connotation altogether . It's consensual which makes all the difference as far as I'm concerned whereas beating someone isn't.

It's not something I'd do myself but who am I to judge ?

I don't agree with porn viewing in a relationship but I have my own private reasons for that , but I know it happens and it as you rightly state, not illegal for the most part . Adultery is something that causes great pain and is not something you have a choice over if you are the injured party, so again in my view that's different.

Is it beneficial ? In a way it is , it's improved the marriage , neither party object... again who am I to judge ?

I agree with you most of the time chosen , you speak a lot of sense, but on this we will have to agree to disagree.
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Old 24th March 2011, 06:57 PM   #15
Raymond
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Re: I'm conflicted...HELP!

I have a sneaking suspicion that you are a man MsEraz and that you are getting a kick out of this. I might be wrong.

I sort of agree with Helen if it is consensual, but I still think your husband has a problem, perhaps from his childhood.

I do understand sexual spanking but adding real punishment is not healthy in my view. I think it leads to femininity in the male as it progresses as you are talking about a man submitting to his wife, having to send you reports and then being punished for falling short. All in all he is allowing you to dominate him which is not healthy, unless it is just a game.

The fact that he submits to this does not mean that it is healthy. In my view of course.
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