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24th March 2011, 06:30 PM
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#16
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 816
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Re: I'm conflicted...HELP!
Usually, what I hear that someone who's submitting is after all "in charge". After all, as Ms had put it at the beginning that he's an Alpha Male and he's much bigger than Ms. These powerful men like to enjoy some game of temporarily surrendering his power as he's expected to be in charge all the time in his real world etc etc. (not that I'd understand this myself as a powerless female lol)
Suppose, if your H stop shouting at you then it may not be such a bad thing. It's essentially a harmless play with some useful benefit in marriage? Time will tell?
Last edited by Chamomile; 24th March 2011 at 06:33 PM.
Reason: clarity
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24th March 2011, 06:47 PM
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#17
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: I'm conflicted...HELP!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Helen_uk
I guess because I don't view it as beating, which has a different connotation altogether . It's consensual which makes all the difference as far as I'm concerned whereas beating someone isn't.
It's not something I'd do myself but who am I to judge ?
I don't agree with porn viewing in a relationship but I have my own private reasons for that , but I know it happens and it as you rightly state, not illegal for the most part . Adultery is something that causes great pain and is not something you have a choice over if you are the injured party, so again in my view that's different.
Is it beneficial ? In a way it is , it's improved the marriage , neither party object... again who am I to judge ?
I agree with you most of the time chosen , you speak a lot of sense, but on this we will have to agree to disagree.
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Thats fine Helen, we cant agree all the time!
I just cant imagine what is in the mind of a person who would treat their husband like this, or a man who would want to be treated like this, unless some serious damage has been done to them in the past which has made her want to dominate and control and be violent, and him want to be dominated and punished and hurt. I guess thats what makes men and women into sadists and masochists. The desire to be hurt and the desire to hurt.
I agree with Raymond, this is far too bizarre to be real. I think its all a not very funny joke, and the joke is on all of us for even considering it to be true.Either that, or as Raymond suggested, its someone getting their kicks from it, therefore I am not going to feed the troll anymore.
Last edited by chosen; 24th March 2011 at 07:41 PM.
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25th March 2011, 08:21 AM
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#18
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Guest
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Re: I'm conflicted...HELP!
Raymond: you sound like a sweet guy, and your last post, whilst wrong in it's speculation that this is a joke or a fake posting, also accepts that your opion is your opion... so I'm going to leave it alone and thank you for your input thus far. I'm a little concerned over your gender stereo-types and statements like "leads to femininity" but thats a whole other discussion.
chosen: Oh dear! I'm going to apologise for unsettling you so. If you too are happier believing my life and marriage doesn't exist then thats what you must do. You seem to have some deep seeded anger issues? I too am a Christian but I have to disagree that our faith prescribes either the man or woman to be preordained as head of the family. I'm also a little concerned that someone who professes to share a faith that has tolerance and love at it's core could go on the attack as you have on this thread! Aren't we commanded to love the sinner and hate the sin? I know different views can be scary sometimes, but really? Also, none of the points you attempt to make are answering the reasons for this thread... they're just seeking to demonise me and my marriage because they don't fit your view. You also seem unable to actually comprehend this discussion at base level... so I agree, just move on.
Helen-UK: thank you. Those are some good points.
All: OK, so I had a big chat with hubby last night, I also explained I had come here to just speak to others about it all. As it is annon. he was fine with that.
So, YES that initial spanking I gave him was the seed that started this. (I still accept that situation was wrong and I should not have done it...ok chosen?) But sow the seeds it did.
Hubs is extremely snowed-under at work and we have many big things happening at home/personal lives too. When he gets stressed he admits he can be rude and hurtful towards me... this is in conflict to how he feels he wants to treat me deep down. He also admits to himself that he is guilty of slacking and/or procrastinating when stuff starts to pile up. His theory, and it seems to be working, was that if there was a swift and immediate consequence to not staying on top of things, and not giving our marriage/homelife 150% all the time... then he'd perform better.
I was uncomfortable with the tendency to link this to sexual play. I'd looked around at sites etc and frankly made myself ill. Not so good! BUT what we are doing is our own solution to our own situation and we do not have to label ourselves or conform to anyone else's stereo-types!
Since he brought his plan to me, and I agreed to do it with him:
His stress related skin condition has cleared up
Our intimacy (sex life and just nice stuff) has increased beyond words
I'm happier as my Hubs is happier and nicer to be around (Mr.Rude has gone!)
Hubs is up for promotion at work (and pay rise)
Hubs is a dramatically better father and has found more time for it
the house and garden are spick-and-span
I have a new (fab) CD in the car and flowers in every vase (pressies!)
My cooking is back to "goddess" levels as I have more time to create...I even cooked the same italian meal I cooked for him 10 yrs ago when I wished to seduce him the first time!
I've felt compelled (happily) to dress-up a little bit more for him (not kinky! Honestly you lot!)
Then let me describe last night and this morning:
We're talking about all this with a glass of wine. At 9pm he apologies, stands up, gives me a nice kiss and says "back in a mo". When he returns I realise it was because of the time... he has set himself a goal of prepping our bed/bedroom no later than 9:30 each evening. That entails switching the lights to the bedside ones, pulling the sheets on my side back into a triangle and positioning my pillows the way I like. Also my nightie is layed out nicely on the pillows, with my gown on the end of the bed and my slippers along the side.
We finish our chat and he follows me to bed a few moments later. He gives me a delicious neck kiss and massage and we fall asleep in the "spoons" position. He is not allowed to try and "nestle" anything between my *cough* when spooning...hard or soft.
At 6am our child awakes and he jumps up, washes and dresses/changes nappy, turns on the coffee machine, pops the toast down for the childs brekkie and returns to bed with my coffee for another quick cuddle.
He then hits the bathroom first, while I finish my coffee in bed. After he's showered etc it is my turn... in the bathroom his wet towel is hanging on the dryer and my towel is smartly folded on the side of the shower cubicle. My tootch brush is layed next to the sink, with toothpaste already on it for me.
When I come out of the bathroom he has already made the bed (smartly) including replacing the throw cushions (which he hated even buying as "whats the point"). My nightie is folded and under my pillows. My gown and slippers are away in the dresser. My clothes for today are neatly layed out on the end of the bed. I get cuddled and kissed whilst I dress and I let him put my underwear on (although gropping is a "black mark") me and zip up my dress.
His suit shirt popped a button off the collar, so I sewed that back on for him whilst he cleaned up our child from breakfast and loaded the dishwasher. I rearranged my schedule so that we can have a quick lunch together near his office and we formalised our plans for the weekend.
Now. Please. Whats not to like?
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25th March 2011, 08:56 AM
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#19
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: I'm conflicted...HELP!
The end dosnt always justify the means.If you have to treat you own husband in such a demeaning and voilent way to get him to do what you want, then there is something seriously amiss. Let him be a grown man with his self respect and a mind of his own.
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25th March 2011, 09:01 AM
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#20
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: I'm conflicted...HELP!
If you are so happy Ezraz, and I don't begrudge you that, why are you conflicted and need help.
You almost seem to be preaching how good your lifestyle is so I don't see what your problem is.
If it works for you what can I say.
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25th March 2011, 09:20 AM
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#21
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Guest
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Re: I'm conflicted...HELP!
Hi Raymond, I was conflicted on this, and chatting here certainly helped me with my chat with hubs last night. It's also helped me examine it all again.
I think my main issue was with feeling it was "kinky" or "dirty" or "subversive"... as I said I am actually rather conservative in many ways. Chatting it through here and again with Hubs has helped me see that 1) It's working well for us, 2) We don't need a label for it (kink, bdsm or anything else) and 3) it really is non-sexual at it's core and is a positive-focussed activity.
I could have spent some cash at the psycologists, but I think I achieved the same thing here.
One thing that has surprised me though is just how much this has upset chosen! She's still sniping from the sidelines even though she vowed "not to feed the troll". Well, Hubs is in BIG trouble for that! chosen I am sorry he has upset you so much and I can assure you I am going to tan his bottom like he's never had it before for upsetting you like this! He won't sit comfortably for a week. After I am done with him over the bed he can jolly well sit down and PM you an apology, and he'd better mean it!
Last edited by MsEraz; 25th March 2011 at 09:21 AM.
Reason: typo's
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25th March 2011, 09:42 AM
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#22
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: I'm conflicted...HELP!
Thats quite funny actually, but the reason it appalls me is because as a Christian, God tells us to respect our husbands, as head of the family, and as men of God. It isnt a wifes job to dscipline her own husband or to treat them with violence and in such a demeaning way. I dont believe in violence to adults or children and I never even hit my dogs.
He needs to step up and be a man, and stop allowing his wife to be his mum! The thought of treating my husband in that way makes me cringe inside. I have far too much repect for him as a man and as my husband to do that.
How will your husband ever learn to be responsible for his own actions and behaviour, if he always needs to be beaten to behave? He needs to be an adult and learn some self control and self respect.
Last edited by chosen; 25th March 2011 at 02:07 PM.
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25th March 2011, 11:40 AM
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#23
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 816
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Re: I'm conflicted...HELP!
Interesting comments
It's almost kind of unusual that you have arrived a moment ago and it seems a couple of a few posts later, "the wonderful family picture" had already been painted. So fast, I would say? But why not?
Suppose, it's almost like a fantasy story. I agree with Raymond and Chosen for their reaction.
I hope you don't mind me saying this but do you think your H had some prior experience in this which you wouldn't have approved? By the sound of it, your H is already an expert in this? You mention earlier that there are dominatrix adverts running on a local newspaper? Is that something your H is interested in?
Hope I didn't sound too nosey.
Have a very nice Day.
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25th March 2011, 12:47 PM
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#24
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: I'm conflicted...HELP!
The whole thing is beginning to sound theatrical to me and I suspect there is some deception going on.
I agree with Chosen in that the man has a natural authority as a husband. Although this can be abused the basic premise is there. Rather like the natural authority a teacher has over the pupils while they are at school. This can be abused as well but it doesn't change the principal of natural authority.
Somehow you have usurped this Esraz and I cannot believe that that is the answer for anyone. You speak of wonderful transformations but I think it is too early to say. There is something not right about it and that is my gut reaction. Time will tell of course.
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25th March 2011, 12:57 PM
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#25
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Guest
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Re: I'm conflicted...HELP!
OK, am I the only one that finds Raymonds thoughts on marital roles a little unhealthy? A little like a "teacher with pupils"!!!! Oh my goodness, Raymond! Just how insulting is that to women?! Marriage is the joining of two equals... and before anyone says it I do not set the tasks/goals and lists that my Hubby adheres to, HE does, I fulfil his desire to have an "office" that doles out the consequences.
I think we'll just need to steer clear of that one, Raymond.
No, I don't think that there is any unknown "history" there with my Hubs. Since we started this we have surfed the websites together a fair amount. It's sometimes helpful but more often than not it deviates from what we like, or degenerates into kinky porn. Hubs also did some reading on his own before hatching his proposal and presenting it to me.
We are very happy, and this hasn't come quickly either. 8 yrs marriage and 11 years (almost) together with lots of shared history and experiences.
Again, my conflict with this situation arose out of a desire to avoid kink/unsavoury behaviour. This has been a worthwhile (if quick) experience chatting to you all about it, and you've been thorough in your questions, opinions and even attacks! LOL!
I do think we are in fact doing the right things for the right reasons.
And yes, Hubby stated quite clearly in our chat last night "Yes, I would like you to continue".
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25th March 2011, 02:06 PM
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#26
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: I'm conflicted...HELP!
Raymond had a godly view of marriage, and that is that the husband is the head. The husband is to lead by example, and to love his wife as Christ loves the church.He is to respect her and cherish her.He is never to abuse or hit her in anyway.That is not love.
He is to be a man who is able to make wise decisions,who has self control and self discipline without being told to by his wife, or threatened with punishment unless he gets it right.
I hate any sort of spousal abuse whether it is done to men or women.
A wife who totally controls and dominates her husband, as you do, proably has unresolved issues and is totally distorting what marriage should be all about. I do know some very controlling and dominant women but at least they dont spank or beat their husbands when they dont act in the way they want them to.
In fact I find it incredibly strange that you question Raymonds picture of marriage, and of the husband being the head, when you are clearly the head and the boss in your own marriage. You are just like a strict school teacher yourself, punishing a small boy who has misbehaved, and telling him "could do better".
Whether your husband wants you to do this or not, doesnt make it right or beneficial for either of you. It just shows that he needs to grow up and be a man who is responsible for his own actions and behaviour.Doing what you are doing will never enable that to happen.This whole marriage seems totally out of the right order, of love, of respect, and of the loving headship of the man.
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25th March 2011, 02:28 PM
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#27
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Registered User
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 26
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Re: I'm conflicted...HELP!
i agree with mseraz in that marriage should be about the joining of 2 equals, both making equal decisions, choices, not feeling inferior to the other one. im unsure about the law regarding this, but surely if someone asks for you to do it and is consenting then there shouldnt be an issue as such. its probably more of a moral issue then a legal one.
also did you read my last post? which i have quoted below.
Quote:
Originally Posted by im-just-me
I was just wondering what do you do if he achieves his goals? I hope you reward these too. Its a little weird but each to their own and if like you say he came to you with the idea and is consenting to it then if it works for you, then its not a huge probelm. I just wonder what happens when this method doesn't work anymore? Will it be harsher? Just trying to be constructive like you asked.
Could you not try something different, less painful that still has the desired effect? I don't know. its a tricky one because I've never thought slapping or spanking is a good or right form of punishment.but like I said each to their own
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25th March 2011, 04:13 PM
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#28
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: I'm conflicted...HELP!
I seemed to have stirred up a hornets nest with regard to authority, but that's understandable. Even christians have trouble with this subject. I was not implying that husband's have a teacher pupil relationship with their wives. That is just another example of a different kind of authority. The world is full of authority which is God given and should not be abused. If it wasn't there there would be anarchy. Anyone could just walk into your house and do what they wanted.
I was addressing the subject to MsEzraz as she said she was a christian, otherwise I would not have mentioned it. The scripture does say that the husband is head of the wife but the greater emphasis is to love their wives. It also says wives be subject to your husbands in quite a few places. It is not that the husband bosses over the wife it is just a recognition that there is something there given by God however it has been submerged by our present culture. My wife tries her best to be subject to me. I have never ever said you have to be subject to me. That is her faith and the leading is a responsibility not a domination.
I am speaking here of the horizontal relationship of husband to wife. With regard to each one's own vertical relationship with God they are equal, being equal heirs of the grace of God. This might be hard to understand but a christian who reads the scripture has to treat it with respect if they believe it is the word of God.
If anyone who is not a christian is reading this you do what you want. One cannot argue these things. You either see it or you don't.
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25th March 2011, 05:06 PM
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#29
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: I'm conflicted...HELP!
Quote:
Originally Posted by im-just-me
i agree with mseraz in that marriage should be about the joining of 2 equals, both making equal decisions, choices, not feeling inferior to the other one. im unsure about the law regarding this, but surely if someone asks for you to do it and is consenting then there shouldnt be an issue as such. its probably more of a moral issue then a legal one.
also did you read my last post? which i have quoted below.
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That may be the picture that mseraz she says she likes, but her marriage seems anything but equal .She is the one who dominates and controls, and he is the dominated and controlled. If their marriage were equal, then she would submit to the same treatment, beatings and correction that her husband does. However she doent not, and it appears that it is only her husband who makes mistakes and does things wrong, that she feels needs correcting.
I honestly believe that if it were a man who was doing what she is, beating his wife and expecting her to report to him and behave in a certain way, there would be an outcry if he came here, but as it is a women doing it is seems that it is sort of accepted by some, and that seems really REALLY strange to me, but sort of understandable in the light of women and society today and the way they seem to think that they can act, and that 'anything goes'.
In my marriage, where my husband leads and loves and respects me, NO ONE dominates or controls the other. He loves me, I love and respect him. We try to treat each other with kindness, gentleness and patience.
Last edited by chosen; 25th March 2011 at 05:37 PM.
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25th March 2011, 06:27 PM
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#30
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,531
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Re: I'm conflicted...HELP!
Some women also like to be spanked chosen . It's only beating if it's done against the will. My answer would be the same whether it be male or female doing the spanking .. As long as both parties consent , I don't see it as a problem.
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