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Old 15th October 2011, 04:30 AM   #361
1aokgal
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

Dear HB..

The truth is always hard to hear but I assume that is why you came to this site? I may not always be most diplomatic but I can give you some straight talk. Well, when she threw out clothes to pare down....it was a certainty she would be moving out soon. I would be really sure she moved with a friend..male or female. This marriage is over. The best you can do now is in your own self interest. Make plans to rent a smaller place for yourself or plan for one.

You are not the first to have a marriage blow apart and no one is prepared to see years of hope end in a blast of ugly words.

Listen, she did not embark on this escape without a safety net with all her outings. I'd guess she has a male friend and may have had one for a time. Just my take on things.

HB, medication for adults is a poor business and only leads to more MEDS. It is the same as any substance to dull the senses. I don't believe in meds and maybe I am extreme. I refused to take even an aspirin and had natural childbirth. I see people who become dependent on being dependent. If your DR gave you MEDs then he deprives you of a full sensation of what living is all about. That's how I feel. Obviously, I see that pattern as a crutch.

I worked for a time in mental health and people can walk around in a haze. Now if someone has a measurable chemical imbalnce or an illness as heart problem, than that is different story. Let us say I disagree with medicating to keep emotionally stable. That is what character is all about.

A woman wants a man of integrity, strength and character. Your best course is to get a day shift so you can live on a normal schedule. It is pretty likely she will hit you with at least a legal separation to spell out visitation and child support. You need to consider you will have that obligation and manage your budget to drop anything not necessary and to make it possible to live apart.

I am sure you miss the child. You can arrange visitation soon and make sure you arrange to visit in some neutral place (grandmothers' house perhaps) since there has been conflict in past. It is not good idea to be in the same vicinity as her until you digest this marriage is history. The best thing now would be that you NOT run into her but keep your distance.

Her leaving should be no shock. This has been the pattern for some time to go in that direction. Your first priority is better job situation and money stability. If you have a lease then you will need to give notice usually 30 days, unless you are tied in for the rest of a one year lease. If I were in your place I'd find something just for you and for less money. I feel sorry for the child and hope your wife gets some balance (from the party life) and you get your life moving in a responsible direction in your work and goals. Maybe this will come as a relief that this limbo has been decided at last. One day you will look back and wonder why you let it go on that long. I think you will be deflated for a time but it will get better...one day at a time.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 15th October 2011 at 06:01 AM.
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Old 15th October 2011, 11:31 AM   #362
Raymond
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

I think your reasoning about leaving the house in case she thinks you are a good guy down the road is faulty. You need to make the right decisions because they are the right decisions not because she might think you are a good guy later on. You need to think of your son at this point and not your image in her mind. This just shows your dependency in what she thinks about you and that is why you cannot stand up to her and do the right thing.
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Old 15th October 2011, 01:06 PM   #363
heartbroken
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

1aokgal i thank you for your honesty.

TBH there was no third party involved in her moving out i was here to witness it, she has not been out a lot but her intention was to go out a lot, she is a very spur of the moment person and only thinks things through at the last minute usually, i aint saying she hadnt thought this one through but her final decisions are always last minute.

Today i have kept myself busy cleaning the house, one thing to be said is once i clean it it stays clean now, i dont have to worry about her making her usual mess lol.

My next step is to see how i get on in the next few days, i am off on hols this week so i recon i will take the plundge with taxiing and go through the induction again, this usually needs revised every so often and its been a few years, i need a fresh start i think, new job etc.

I aint intending taking meds for long i hate them too, but i really did need them it had been a hard slog.
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Old 16th October 2011, 07:22 AM   #364
chosen
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

Hb really dont worry about taking meds. Thats what doctors are for and thats what meds are for, to help us. It is not weakness to take them for a time to help, and for many they literally save lives. DONT be made to feel guilty.
Most of us all need medical help at spoem time if we are physically ill or emotionally struggling. I have just been in hospital to have a very swollen and inflamed appendix removed. With no medical intervention or meds I would have probably died. Believe me, when you have a badly inflamed appendix you take any pain meds that you can get.lol.


It doesnt make you dependant on them believe me, but we all need medical support at times, and HB is at this time at the moment. Its not weakness, its common sense, and it isnt helpful to imply that it isnt right.

Last edited by chosen; 16th October 2011 at 07:16 PM.
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Old 16th October 2011, 09:51 AM   #365
Chamomile
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

Quote:
Originally Posted by heartbroken View Post
I know its very early days but in my mind i am doing what i did before, feeling bad that my son is living at his nanas, one bedroom flat.

I feel terrible being in this house and him being there, him out of his home granted it is not all my fault and what his mother wanted, to leave but he shouldnt have to suffer like this, and again i am thinking i should leave myself, been here before and kept bounching back and fore.

I have a heart and feel for my youngest son, having to stay there without his creature comforts he really has had a rough ride over the months, i am guilt ridden am i jumping the gun, should i wait a few days, omg here we go again i just cant decide. I also can not allow any other guy to live in my house not that i think it would happen right away but i would imagine in time it would i really dont know.

Maybe theres more of a chance of her wanting to be with me in this house if i stay here, she may come to her senses and come home, do you guys think this way is best or do i make the move and go to my mothers hoping that one day she will realise, thinking i am a good guy by moving on letting her have the house. God this is hard.
Hi

This is why some of us kept suggesting you to see a therapist. Raymond suggested it, 1AOKGAL has suggested it, Helen suggested it, perhaps Chosen suggested it. we suggested it. You didn't want to go and you end up staying confused just as before.

To my mind, it's odd for a grown man to keep bouncing back and force between your wife and your own elderly (?) Mother in your mature age.
You have this dependency on other ppl around you. It's also strange that your youngest son is completely looked after by your Mother when he has his own Mother. Do you visit him over the weekend? Does your wife care about him? I don't quite understand the whole state of disorder.

As for medication, I agree, it's not for someone who has difficulty in taking responsibility for his children, particularly the youngest one. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself.
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Old 16th October 2011, 09:58 AM   #366
Chamomile
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
Most of us all need medical help at spoem time if we are physically ill or emotionally struggling.

Iaokgal. I envy you that you needed no medical intervention or pain relief in labour. I had three very large babies, one I was in labour with for 36 hours, he was my first, VERY big, and I needed forceps.I was literally too small, to push him out. I envy those of my friends who had much shorter easier labours.(and many did, just a few hours)who didnt need pain relief. All three of my labours had problems.

It doesnt make you dependant on them believe me, but we all need medical support at times, and HB is at this time at the moment. Its not weakness, its common sense, and it isnt helpful to imply that it isnt right.
Chosen

I think 1AOKGAL has given her take on things and you're slightly going off tangent here. Perhaps you can start your own thread if you wish to divulge further?
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Old 16th October 2011, 08:19 PM   #367
1aokgal
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

Chosen..

Of course, one takes pain meds for a medical condition! Sounds like you need "doggie downers" or we get a tangent here. No guilt trip implied to HB on my end, I simply gave my opinion on the subject. You must feel better as you seek to police the threads again!

Welcome back...don't make assumptions from some misplaced perceptions of your own.

HB...You worry only what the wife thinks, feels, perceives aand that is classic co-dependency at its' finest. That is what you need to talk to a therapist about. Of course, you feel rotten. The end of a marriage is quite terrible but yours has been a disaster for a long time.

Work on your employments skills in the upgrade of skills for your trade. Cleaning house is great therapy. When I am upset I will tackle a closet or chore that needs energy and has been neglected awhile. It almost makes you wish you had that burst of angry seratonin more often! Boy, things sure get clean fast.

Remember, that the drugs dull sensation. HB, what you need is to stand firm and responsible and make decisions in life. Frankly, driving a taxi on MEDs isn't a winner either. If you are in UK, as taxi driver, you have nerves of steel like superman. I wouldn't want to hire a driver and think he needs MEDS to get from one point to another or make decisions. This is between you and your doctor...not what we think here. It does not sound like a sound idea to rely on such MEDS with your job. That is my personal opinion.

HB, I hope you take each day and do the best you can to be productive and happy. I am sorry things ended for you. In time you will realize it was for the best for each. It was very unhappy marriage, going nowhere.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 17th October 2011 at 04:40 AM.
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Old 16th October 2011, 10:28 PM   #368
heartbroken
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chamomile View Post
Hi

This is why some of us kept suggesting you to see a therapist. Raymond suggested it, 1AOKGAL has suggested it, Helen suggested it, perhaps Chosen suggested it. we suggested it. You didn't want to go and you end up staying confused just as before.

To my mind, it's odd for a grown man to keep bouncing back and force between your wife and your own elderly (?) Mother in your mature age.
You have this dependency on other ppl around you. It's also strange that your youngest son is completely looked after by your Mother when he has his own Mother. Do you visit him over the weekend? Does your wife care about him? I don't quite understand the whole state of disorder.

As for medication, I agree, it's not for someone who has difficulty in taking responsibility for his children, particularly the youngest one. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Am a little lost here,

My own mother nor my wifes mother look after my son anytime, my wife and myself do, i have no idea where this came from, i had said that my wife had left to go to her mothers to stay, i by choice have never wanted to go stay at my mothers, my wife asked me to leave and at all times that i have had to go i always come home as i cant bare to be away from my own house, i have over the years been to a therapist about dealing with the issues my wife had caused, the most recent was when she had told me there was money in the bank that she was responsible for for the tax man but she had been lying, i felt betrayed.

As for looking after and taking responsibility of my own sons, this has always been thee most important thing to me i dont know where on earth you got the impression i dont, maybe you read something wrong.

I do nearly everything for them when they need it, my wife sits on the pc when i leave for work night after night, i was Mr Mum.

As for taking meds i do not have any ill effects on them at all.

I really feel people may have read my posts wrongly.

I also feel some of you may going off topic.
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Old 17th October 2011, 01:14 AM   #369
1aokgal
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

HB..

We are guiltyto stray slightly on this discussion thread to discuss the issue of drugs and how they play a part in legitimate illnesses and reduce pain. Most have experience with surgical situations or illness to know that such drugs pack a heavy punch to dull the senses. That is not far off topic and is usual on such forums as this is a discussion forum, not a paid help line, for participants. Posters also addressed the information that you rely on this type of drug for some time to keep stable in decision making. If one has a nervous or chemical imbalance MEDS may be part of keeping stable.

Personally, it is my opinion, a man who relies on significant tranquillizers/antidepressants, who drives the public in a metered taxi, takes a risk for himself and his passengers. These drugs have clear imprinted labels with cautionary wording about driving machinery while using these. That is my opinion, as stated.

It seems these drugs also act as a gateway to more serious drug use not medically indicated, for many. I do not suggest that is a problem in what you shared with us in your case.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 17th October 2011 at 02:24 AM.
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Old 20th October 2011, 12:28 AM   #370
heartbroken
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

this is killing me, shes been gone since last Friday, i miss her very badly i have not seen her i have only been allowed to see my son one day that was Monday. I am really not used to this i have spoke to her every day for 20 odd years.
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Old 20th October 2011, 12:43 AM   #371
1aokgal
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

Dear HB..

It is painful to make a transition from living as a married couple and to see life ahead without that person. One generally feels like they had a kick in the gut at first. It feels like a terrible feeling of heavy limbs and the lack of desire to move. That is the dose of reality. Do things that help you as get out for a walk or meet with a friend or two. You will develop coping skills and the days will get better in time.

Most of us have expeienced loss.
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Old 20th October 2011, 08:54 AM   #372
Raymond
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

I think 1okgal is right. I see an unhealthy dependency there. She will kick you and you still depend on her. I wonder if that is helping her respect for you HB. You are wide open to marital abuse as it stands. If she does adultery would you still keep her even if she wasn't sorry? I think you need to respect you and cultivate a little independence.
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Old 20th October 2011, 12:09 PM   #373
Chamomile
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

Quote:
Originally Posted by heartbroken View Post
it does help not much but takes the edge off.

I know its very early days but in my mind i am doing what i did before, feeling bad that my son is living at his nanas, one bedroom flat.

I feel terrible being in this house and him being there,
him out of his home granted it is not all my fault and what his mother wanted, to leave but he shouldnt have to suffer like this, and again i am thinking i should leave myself, been here before and kept bounching back and fore.

I have a heart and feel for my youngest son, having to stay there without his creature comforts he really has had a rough ride over the months, i am guilt ridden am i jumping the gun, should i wait a few days, omg here we go again i just cant decide. I also can not allow any other guy to live in my house not that i think it would happen right away but i would imagine in time it would i really dont know.
.
Hi

Oh I see.

I saw what you were saying as above?
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Old 20th October 2011, 12:32 PM   #374
Chamomile
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

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Originally Posted by 1aokgal View Post
Chosen..

Of course, one takes pain meds for a medical condition! Sounds like you need "doggie downers" or we get a tangent here. No guilt trip implied to HB on my end, I simply gave my opinion on the subject. You must feel better as you seek to police the threads again!

Welcome back...don't make assumptions from some misplaced perceptions of your own.
Hi

I personally don't think Chosen means badly or ill-meaning. But I do also find her tendency to go down the road of being argumentative for the sake of making her own point across as some sort of game to entertain herself.

Forum posts are not about a petty competition. Quite often, that leads to going off tangent within a thread when there's this sudden, seemingly impulsive, "Oh wait a minute, that can't be right. I'm right not you, I tell you why" etc.

In a public forum, people give different opinions and that's the beauty of a site like this. It may be much healthier to tolerate and accept colourful and diverse opinions as theirs. These may not be the same as yours, Chosen but it's better to accept different people's opinions as equally valid. Not everyone will agree with anyone's or your own view all the time. Tolerance for other people's views and keeping peace would be useful for the benefit of collective harmony. No one will find conflict pleasant, particularly over a thread full of minor and major upheaval.

I'm not sure if it's a bit like some kind of power struggle when someone starts relishing on arguing on the board by going off tangent. As a Christian, we all need to overcome such dark urges when they try to possess you/us.
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Old 20th October 2011, 12:54 PM   #375
Raymond
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

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Originally Posted by Chamomile View Post
Hi

Forum posts are not about a petty competition. Quite often, that leads to going off tangent within a thread when there's this sudden, seemingly impulsive, "Oh wait a minute, that can't be right. I'm right not you, I tell you why" etc.
Very good general point Chamomile. Obviously there will be different views and it is up to the counselees to pick the advice that helps them. Arguing and backbiting between counsellors will not inspire those who desperately need some help and advice. In some cases the advice gets completely lost and the counselee is left stranded.
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