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Old 10th May 2005, 09:25 AM   #1
Alexis
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*Spark*

Hi there

some people may remember me from when I made a posting a little while back ' how can I move on'.

Since those avents and my husband leaving me, he has since now returned. Over a couple of months we have spent time together with the children and now he has decided that he indeed does love me and has come home to us.

What he does say though is that he loves me more than I could ever know but the spark is still not there. That he feels that he should have the urges to hold and kiss me all of the time and always want to make love, but he doesnt. He says he wants to lust after me again, but doesn't know whether this is what happens in long term relationships.

This is my Husbands longest relationship ( and mine but Im blissfully happy in it if he wants me). He has always ended other relationships he has had after the longest being 3 years. So by that time any lust would have fizzled out so hes gone to get it from elsewhere.

I can understand things going a bit stale or repeatative when you have been together a while and then also have children, but I dont feel that way about him. I always want to hold and touch him and be affectionate.

I know now hes home that I am not going to take him for granted or plod on like I once did not realising his unhappyness. I want us to revive what we have and spend lots of time together like in the early days as well as having our very much needed own space that we missed out on before.

Taking him on again knowing his true feelings is scary and a gamble, but I love this man and married him understanding it would be until death us do part. I would do anything for him, including forget these past few months he has put me through hell walking in and out of my life three times.

I want to make this work, so I need to get it right. First off understanding how he feels and using reality to know what to expect from our relationship now. Maybe it would even be useful him coming here for advice too. But right now this is my haven and helps me through all this.

Can anyone shed any light on this, is it normal for him to feel this way sometimes?, can the lust return?

Thanks so much

ALexis
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Old 10th May 2005, 08:36 PM   #2
Concerned Reader
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Re: *Spark*

Dear Alexis

Don't know whether to write 'I am glad to hear your H is back' or to say in admiration 'coo, you don't give up easy, do you girl?'

I hope you realize you are flying in the face of fashion with your determination to stick to your vows and your insistence on keeping on loving. However, this does NOT require you to be a doormat and I wouldn't want to be mis-interpretted as encouraging you to put up with intolerable behaviour.

However, if you can both contribute to this marriage, then going by what I see in the couples around me, you will both enjoy a happy life.

It might be a bit optimistic to hope for a sudden re-kindling of passion so have a look through these articles and see if you can get some mutual communication going first. (The most applicable are near the top of the list.)

http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthclose/

Once your H is comfortable with day-to-day life, he might be more willing to start to look at his own behaviour, but I think that could be a way down the road. Sorry, but it probably requires you to be patient while he gets there.

I'm not sure, however, that there is very much you can do on your own account. The condition of having two small children when you are nowhere near a supportive family is that the blessing of children is going to be equally balanced by the burden of childcare. And since the blessing is very great, the burden is great also.

Still, if you can do anything to make sure you get that few uninterrupted hours together each week, then do it. (So easy to say, so difficult to do.)

Since I don't know your H I can't fairly comment on what might be in his mind. However you say he has had several relationships, the longest being three years and then there is your own, so that would add up to someone a little older than you. If he is moving out of his twenties and in to the thirties, he may be trying to come to terms with the idea of a love which is more mature and less boyish. I'm only guessing.

I hope things work out well for you and your family.
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Old 11th May 2005, 09:36 AM   #3
Alexis
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Re: *Spark*

Hi Concerned

you are so right about our age difference, I am 24 and he is 30 in three weeks time, so that also ties in with what you say about a love less boylish.

I felt rather uncomfortable last night in his company alone. We were intimate but I dont know whether its because he wants to be with me, just because he wants some attention or because he feels he has to. I didn't instigate it, just for the record.

I also believe what you say about us having a sudden rekindle of passion, it would probably feel strange if that happened also. A bit too fake if you know what I mean.

I was a naughty girl this morning. I asked him if he is still in contact with this OW. I believe he has not had an affair, but I am concerned it could still happen. He replied that she had emailed him. I asked if he was going to see her again and he said he didnt know. This really upset me obviously. I have never met her, Im am sure that if it was me meeting another man that he would be very unhappy with it, isnt it just human nature. I want them to stop contact, I want it to be either me or her. Im scared of what might be. Im scared to try try try in this relationship to be hurt and dropped on my arse again. I dont want to suggest it though, the stopping contact I just wnat it to happen. I want H to realise on his own that his relationship with me is a whole more important than his relationship with someone from his past that he had forgotten about a long time ago, until now. That's something though I dont think he will do. He sees no wrong in what he is doing. And sometimes I do and sometimes I dont. If he was more open to me about it then maybe I would see no harm, if he wanted me and OW to meet for instance along with her partner. But again I dont think hes grown up enough to register that for himself.

Im not a very patient person, but Im am learning to be. I know I have to give us time to adjust again. I am very concerned that things wont ever be the same again for us. I know we will never go back to the way we were because we didnt have such a rut to contend with and now we have seen sides of each other which are not very nice at all. Thats somethng we will always know and be aware of now.
Most of all I know I will and can put 100% into this. I am unsure that H can, and will add more like 60%

When he says he loves me more than anything its reassuring, but then he also says he doesnt feel the need to touch and hug me and kiss me, does not Lust after me. I am also worried that he may start lusting after someone else, ie OW
Im not an ugly person, but Im not very curvy, womanly you could say. But OW is. Nothing like comparing yourself. Does wonders for your self esteem I can tell you.

I have at the minute the opportunity to move on. I have had a house offer and I can leave all this behind. Someone I know wants to buy our house and has made a very good offer, I could be gone in 5 -6 weeks max. With this also on my shoulders I dont know what to do. I have to look after myself I know Im neglecting. feeling like a doormat.

I need some soul searching but cant make head nor tail of it.

Why do I love this man so much, is he worth holding out for. Sometimes yes sometimes no. Im so confused, hurt angry and still very much inlove.

I want us to work more than ANYTHING. The trusting him to feel the same and to give it his all is hard to do. Especially with this OW innocent or not I can only believe what he tells me.

Some days are good, some or bad and I dont know where to start with this one.

Alexis
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Old 11th May 2005, 08:25 PM   #4
Alexis
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Re: *Spark*

Sorry just to say that this OW is somoeone who is from his past and contacted him via friends reunited. They had a brief fling ( whilst he was seeing someone else I might add). HShe contacted him, but he decided to meet her when he left me a second time, unknown to me. He said it was innocent and her boyfriend was there too. I know that they email each other they have both told me as I contacted her after she accidently emailed my account instead of HIS work one , rabbiting on about their past bloody love life.
I still know they are in contact now.

Im worried that this is the start of an affair, even without the physical side already. I have read up on affairs on this site and because he has no affection for me he is abviously giving it to someone else.

is this the start?

Alexis
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Old 12th May 2005, 08:19 AM   #5
G-Dub
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Re: *Spark*

Hi Alexis

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alexis

Im worried that this is the start of an affair, even without the physical side already. I have read up on affairs on this site and because he has no affection for me he is abviously giving it to someone else.

is this the start?

Alexis
I replied to your post in my thread then jumped in here for some continuity. Firstly these are my own opinions from someone who is by no means in a position to offer any form of professional advice.

I am not a big fan of sites like Friends Reunited for several reasons however I wouldn't consider a few emails between your H and this OW to constitute an affair although some would define this activity as an emotional affair if the contents of the communications were such that they covered topics that in reality he should be discussing with you. However, considering the current position of your relationship this type of activity be it innocent or not is certainly not helpful in any relationship recovery. Saying that, remember my comments about doubt and unmet needs, once these set in the downward spiral of the relationship is inevitable. The fact that your H is not showing any affection does not "obviously" mean he is getting it somewhere else. You need to trust me on this, there seems to be a perception that a bloke going without affection or sex for extended periods is impossible. The 6 months my wife and I were in relationship turmoil did not lead to either of us seeking external affection/sex, although opportunities arose on both sides.

Reading through your past posts there seems to be some doubt on both sides as to what you both really want. Some soul-searching may be required, do you really want your H back or do you wish to move on. It seems one minute you want to give it 100% despite in your word his 60% effort and the next you are talking about the offer on the house. This uneven effort is also not helpful but what you need to bear in mind is that your H's 60% is your perceived value of his effort, to him this might be 100%. You really do need to get quality time together and communicate in a non-confrontational way. Leave out your doubts and fears during these chats, talk about your day to day activities and hopefully your H will start to feel at home and more able to recognise and address his issues. Most all be patient and take care of yourself as I feel (like the rest of us) you have a very long journey ahead of you which will not be easy all the time.

Last edited by G-Dub; 12th May 2005 at 09:20 AM.
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Old 12th May 2005, 10:51 AM   #6
Alexis
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Re: *Spark*

Hi G-Dub

Thanks for your reply. Since my last posting H and I have talked. I have found out that OW keeps contacting him, wont leave him alone. She is even calling him whilst we are having our tea etc etc. But this he is hiding from me, until today when I asked him if he was inlove with me which he replied 'no'. I asked him if he is directing his efforts of affection elsewhere other than me, ie with OW, he also said no, but looked extreamly guilty and I know by now when My H lies to me. I asked him if he flirts with her or finds her attractive and tempting. Again he said no. I dont believe him.

I have felt extreamly angry with him for the past two days. i had to ask him these things this morning or I would have burst.

I have read what you have said and its right, I didnt know what I wanted. Nown I do. I have been used as a doormat, feel like a mug. I have let him make all the decisions in when to leave us and now return to us. No more.

I have asked him to leave, I cannot bare being in the same house as him let alone sleeping next to this man who has such little respect for me. He said he truely wanted to try, but Ive had zero reassurance, its all big bet that I am not willing to take for a fourth time. Its too much for me and even my eldest daughter who is Three and a half panics everytime Daddy disapears from view. He has well and truely screwed our life up. We have only been married three years G-Dub and have two girls the eldest and the youngest aged 18 months. What makes me even more MAD is that my dad left me when I was this age and H know how I felt about that, messed me up totally and here he is doing EXACLY the same. Selfish selfish b@*s%ard.

I have told him thats it now, I hope he realises what hes done and squirms in it. I hope it hits him in the head everytime, I hope he takes it to his grave with him, he WILL pay. And I hope that someone does this to him one day as he has done this to every female hes had a relationship with. A total child, poor excuse for a man not worthy of anyone.

And if he does run off to this other woman I hope she drops him like a tonne of ****.

Sorry to be so angry and abusive, I just hate him

HOW CAN HE DO THIS TO ME?

Alexis
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Old 12th May 2005, 12:10 PM   #7
G-Dub
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Re: *Spark*

Hi Alexis,

I so sorry that it has come to this, but only you can decide what you want for you and your children. Being a doormat is definitely not an option in a healthy relationship.

However, having these types of conversations with your H when your hurt and angry can be destructive but it seems that you have finally taken control of the situation with your decisive action. I just hope this is not a knee-jerk reaction in a moment of extreme anger and as you say hate for your H.

Your H could of course could have decided to ignore the OW's frequent contacts but you seem to be implying that he has done nothing of the sort. In light of the situation if I was your H I would have stopped contact with this OW immediately on return to reconcilliation with you to ensure the best possible chance of success.

What has your H said as a result of your conversations, is he acting as if nothing has happened, reason I asked is that my W reacted the same way (Head-in-sand-syndrome)?

Don't forget no matter what happens, we are here for you and I hope that eventually you find the peace, love and happiness we all deserve.

Last edited by G-Dub; 12th May 2005 at 12:24 PM.
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Old 12th May 2005, 09:33 PM   #8
Alexis
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Re: *Spark*

Hi G-Dub

thanks for the reply. I have calmed down lots since my last posting earlier today, but my outlook remains the same. I have no plans to reconsider.
As for the OW contacting him he sees no wrong in it and has refuses to stop speaking to her, this makes me feel more sure about my decision. He is most definetly not the man for me and a hope in the future I can do a whole lot better than him.

Right now I have lots of decisions and choices to make for the children and I. I wont rush into these either but I do have another appointment with solicitor Tuesday to find out my rights etc.

Sometimes I feel very sad that after all we have been through and our wonderful memories can disove to this and then I think of what he has done to me and I feel inner strength to say enough is enough.

Im scared of what the future holds and how I will manage to raise my children on my own, but its something new I have to face. One day he WILL regret what he has done to me and his own children. More thought on his part could have saved him and us from all this, now hes too late.

Too little, too late.

This time Im keeping my word

Alexis
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Old 12th May 2005, 10:50 PM   #9
disbelief
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Re: *Spark*

Hi Alexis,

It saddens me to hear of another relationship destroyed by temptation and deceit. I am in a similar boat with my W and our beautiful young daughter. I too have been lied to and deceived for months, but closure is finally on the horizon in the form of a separation.

I too have heard the same line about the spark not being there, but you know what? Relationships have their ups and downs and stresses, especially when in comes to parenthood. That's where effort, commitment and fortitude to see things through come into play and that's where some people fall terribly short. Believe me, our spouses may be in for a rude awakening when they realize that their part time fantasies don't translate into full time realities the way they figure!

The same way your H is still in close contact with the OW, my W is still in close contact with the OM. At least my W had the guts to finally make the call to separate last evening. Despite all the betrayal, I respect her stand and we will part on decent terms should this happen. I'm still holding on to a thin straw of hope that she will see through the mess and work toward "us" again, but another part of me is happy that closure is finally coming. I suspect you feel the same, at least regarding the closure part anyway! We don't deserve to be treated as door mats. Life does go on, and I feel it's much better to be outside of a questionable, deceitful relationship than within it, no matter what.

Keep your chin up, and keep in contact on this board. It's an unbelievably tough time, I know....

Take care,

Disbelief
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Old 13th May 2005, 08:02 PM   #10
G-Dub
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Re: *Spark*

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alexis
Too little, too late.

This time Im keeping my word

Alexis
Hi Alexis,

I'm at a loss to see why partner's cannot see this coming. I was in the same situation with my W in that I came to the same decision as you, enough was enough. After 6 months of her indecisiveness and lack of action to re-comit to making it work I finally took the plunge and filed for divorce. It was the day before I submitted the decree nisi to the court that my W came to me and asked if we could start again, this was after she had signed my petition and we had started the financial aspects with both solicitors. When I asked her why she said that 27 years was too much to throw away over what were really minor issues on both sides(We had been married for 25 yrs). It took her 6 months to realise this and I have since learnt that her own friends played a big part in this in that she had discussed our problems with them from her point of view and they had encouraged her to continue down the divorce route and she felt she could not lose face by letting them know she was thinking of making another go of it.

What I'm trying to say here is that I am very pro-marriage and most problems can be resolved (although I must say I don't think I could cope if my wife had gone and had an affair). Joint problems take joint resolution, a partner with a singular problem can only resolve it themeselves if they recognise it and seek help and support.

Only you can decide when it is really over, but do not be suprised if yor H suddenly has a reality wake-up call from your forthcoming actions....

The main thing is to do what is best for you and your children.

Good luck and keep in touch.
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Old 13th May 2005, 08:16 PM   #11
Alexis
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Re: *Spark*

Hi G-dub and disbelief

Today I felt low, extreamly low. Thinking of our beautiful memories, home and children. I sent him a text message to tell him if he could commit to having zero contact with OW I would give us on last shot.
Alas no.
He says he cannot go round in circles anymore. That we have grown apart and something has gone between us. Its too late to try and retrieve it.
Im relieved I think that he has said all this to me. Its the first time in all of this he has admitted it is over. And it now stops me tooing and froing about what I want.

I feel empty, scared, failure, extreamly sad and grieveing. But also relief.

I cannot believe it is over just like that. At christmas things were great, Five months later we are seperated. Its making me sick.

We have discussed what we are going to do next. My dilema still is to sell and move back to Newcastle where my Mum is or stay here in bedford where I have no family and a handleful of no where near relibale friends. H is going to support me 100% financially for now and until I can go it alone.

I feel a part of me has died. 50% of me cannot believe what is happening and cant give up the other 50 is telling me that there is most definetly no hope now and its time to move on before it makes me ill.

A man who promised me the world and love until the day I died has removed himself from my life, and Im still alive.

If it wasnt for my Two little girls I would feel like giving up altogether.

I cant ever see me being in such a happy relationship or loving anyone like I love H, again.
My lifes all over and Im on auto pilot for my babies.

God help me

Alexis
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Old 13th May 2005, 09:12 PM   #12
helenrw200
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Re: *Spark*

Your life ISN'T over Alexis, it's taken a different direction from what you hoped and wanted, but you have lots of life left to live and the being on auto pilot won't last forever, it's shock.

When a marriage ends against your will you have to grieve , not only for the loss of a husband ( in your case ) or wife but also everything that goes with it , a home, companionship etc. Eventually this starts to fade, listen to some of the stories on here from other's who have been through it , you will be able to remember the happy times without them feeling tainted and you will go on to have so many more .

Your two daughters will eventually bring a feeling of normality back into your life , because whether it feels like it or not right now , life does go on . You deserve to be with someone who puts you first , and it will happen in time.

Stay strong.
Helen
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Old 14th May 2005, 02:03 PM   #13
G-Dub
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Re: *Spark*

Hi Alexis,

As Helen has said, this is the shock and reality of the situation you find yourself in that is playing havoc with your emotions but trust me it does fade given time.

Time and focusing on you and your children will help in the grieving process, you will have your ups and downs but eventually there will be more ups. Whenever you need to vent, need support or someone to listen come here and don't forget to use your friends, family and if you feel the need your GP or some form of individual councelling.

Life has a habit of kicking you in the teeth, but life does go on and you will find happiness and love again, why? because a person like you really deserves it. Nobody can knock you on the amount of effort you have put in to trying to rescue your relationship. I can't think of anyone who would have tried as many times as you have.

It is vital that you take good care of yourself now, you need to be strong to look after your children and face up to the next few months.

I'll be thinking of you and please post back here if you need someone to chat to, some TLC or just want to let it all rip.....

Cheers for now

G-Dub
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Old 14th May 2005, 02:53 PM   #14
Alexis
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Re: *Spark*

Hi G-dub, Helen and friends

This mroning when I woke I felt sick. I suppose it the grieving part kicking in. I have been here before, Four times before, so I know the way it works. Only this time round its definate. If he ever realised that hes made the biggest mistake of his life its too late. As Ive said things never felt 'right' again between us, because of the amount of times he left then came back. Theres a big trust issue that will never be resolved, he has also turned into a man who's ideas on life do not meet my own, hes so different now.

So Im having to get over it. It probably starts with the memories and thinking about all thats lost. I have to accept whats happening and to put all that we had behind us and hope and have the outlook that I will have it all again one day with someone as wonderful as I thought H was.

The children are driving me nuts. Its 24/7. Its hard to focus on them as I find myself feeling selfish that now my life will never be as carefree as it was as Im all they have now and my life will be completely absorbed by them both and will no doubt make any future relatioships more commplicated or difficult. Im never going to get time by myself and as teidus as it sounds, no one will ever cook for me, or make me feel better when I am ill or have a bad day at work ( when I get a job). Its me having to do all that for my children instead. In my marriage I always had the opportunities to go out on my own or got a lie in once in a while.

This brings me to a difficult decision about whether to move home or not. Im trying to find reasons to stay.

Thanks for listening

Alexis
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Old 15th May 2005, 04:24 AM   #15
disbelief
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Re: *Spark*

Hi Alexis,

I know things must seem awfully bleak right now, but you have to believe they will get better (because they will). I think feeling ill is pretty common for people in our situation. It's the worst feeling in the world when the person you love and trust the most in the whole world stabs you in the back. I'm glad to hear you're making a definite stand now, because I think you absolutely need to in order to move on.

I understand things are tough keeping up with your kids. For me it will be a matter of losing my beautiful daughter apart from visitation rights, so cherish your children however burdensome they may seem right now.

Moving back to your home may have temporary advantages, but maintaining your independence may be best in the long run. Maybe you can go back home for a defined time to visit and to get some much needed support?

Anyway, take care of yourself - the love and pleasures of life are FAR from over for you!!

Disbelief
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