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Old 10th January 2011, 12:46 PM   #1
stepgrah
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MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Dear All,
God where to start! Okay we have been married 15 years and have two daughters aged 14 and 13. MY wife is a teacher and works all the hours that god sends. Me I am in management and can work from home a lot and manage my time easier.

SO in essence for the past 17 months our marriage has been in difficulty and during that time I have many texts from y wife telling me to get a lawyer as the marriage is fionished, only to be followed up by a conversation and hugs and re-assurance that it was said in anger.

IN august unfortunately her father to whom she was very close to passed away after a long battle with illness. My wife did not grieve properly and stayed strong for everyone especially her mother.

We had soem arguments and tears in the end ash she admitted to missing her dad a lot and how I would never be as good a man as him. Anyway in October I went away for a few days with my dad after a 31 year break to have some laughs. During this break abroad I received a devastating text stating that my marriage was finished. I flew back and we again got talking and it transpired that my wife hd no idea what she wanted to do with her life.

Buing the understanding and loving person I said to her that if she wanted space to really look at her life nd make some decisions then I was happy to have her do that. We agreed to discuss us again at the end of the year. During this 3 months we actually got on really well and indeed it was quite romantic at times.

At the end of the year we spoke and she stated that she had decided to stay together and work things through and as we had been happy she said it was all good. I asked her if she was absolutely positive as I didn't want me, her or the kids to have false dawn. She confirmed this and we were really happy.

Last Friday morning we had a disdagreement and I left the house in order for us to get some space. She called me and was screaming and swearing so I hung up the phone. I then got a text telling me she was going to live with her mother and was taking the kids and that I needed a lawyer.

Since then I have not received any communications from her and I have only texted her once telling her that I do love her and that I wanted her back but appreciated that she needed space.

I am just as confused as hell basically. It does appear that this is now terminal and that makes me sad and upset, but why take 3 months thinking time, say you want to work at things and then 4 days later move out! ANyone understand this?


Steve
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Old 10th January 2011, 07:55 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

It could be that she misses her father and hasn't fully recovered from that. Maybe going home to her mother makes her feel close to him. After one has grieved they need to come out of it and get on with life. I sense a lack of respect for you which isn't a good thing. It was cruel to compare you with her father as you are you, but maybe it was her grief speaking.

She is also working too much which can have an affect on your married relationship. You need to cultivate time together enjoying something. Maybe going out together when you can get a baby sitter.

You could try asking why she has gone off like that?

You are doing very well in confirming your love to her. Hopefully this will get through.

It comes to my mind about Love Language. Do you know what her love language is? We all have them. It's the way we perceive love in a special way. It could be Touch, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Gifts or just Quality time. One of those will be her love language. It might be worth finding out. There is something about it on this site if you look under "The Five Languages of Love". Just a thought.

It also appears that she has hit a period of instability and is looking for the security that she lost. I think it needs to be built with you and hopefully she will see that.
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Old 11th January 2011, 09:32 AM   #3
stepgrah
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Raymond,
Many thanks for the kind words they are appreciated. I saw her last night as it was a parents evening at the school. All very cordial. I asked her what was going on and she said she did not know but needed space.
apparently she feels that I do not support her enough in her work and that she is under pressure and that she says I do not work aas hard as her.
I did point out that I earn 3 times as much and pay every single bill in the house and have done for decades and that she chose to be a teacher and all that goes with it. ANyway I re-itterated that she is loved and missed and that I hoped she would sort it out in her head soon.
Funnily enough she dropped off one of my daughters to stay bck with me as pparently she was too troublesome and my wife could not handle it.
It just comes out that she cannot handle anything outside work as she is working too hard. I have spoken with her before about it and was told work is a priority.
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Old 11th January 2011, 01:53 PM   #4
Raymond
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Sounds like she is working too hard and beginning not to get joy out of it.

She would be better doing less with more quality perhaps. She is certainly taking it a litle too seriously and it is affecting her marriage. Marriage always comes before work. You obviously don't need all the money. She has her priorities back to front I think. You supporting her work might make it worse. You already support her as a wife and try to care for her.

Basically her priorities are wrong but how to make her see it?

I think perhaps she is need orientated. There are enough needs in your street to keep her busy for the rest of her life, but you and the children should be her first priority. You do need a lot of wisdom here.
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Old 12th January 2011, 10:11 AM   #5
stepgrah
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Raymond,
Again thanks for the feedback it is important at this time as i try and fathom it all out.
My eldest kicked off last night telling me that I had forced her mum out of the marriage and that I ws a really bad man and that she hated me. I tried to calmly talk to her about her mum and I but she had tets from her mum telling her all this stuff.
I told her that I was sorry she was being exposed to things that a young girl should not be and that I loved mum to bits etc, but she was too angry.
My wife showed up later and took her away again as they had been exchanging texts. I did manage to have a word with her and admit it was difficult. She told me that she was taking a few days to look at things but that it was not promising. I asked her to come to counselling so that at least we could both understand how we got here. She said she didn't need counselling and that it was my fault and eventually I'd see that.
TO be honest I said that blame is not anyway to try to solve any problem, we are where we are and we need to fix it. Anyway later that evening she wrote me a text saying i was not a bad person.
SO the bottom line is that my parents want me to serve her a lawyers letter, but I still love this woman to bits and also I want her to take some responsibility for once.
Even yesterday I got 5 texts from her about things that needed to be done ass she was busy. I did not do them as I think she needs to understand what support she has had and will not get.
What do I do for the best?
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Old 12th January 2011, 11:26 AM   #6
chosen
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

I think that Raymond is right in that she has put her work as her priority ahead of you and the children. This eventually takes its toll as it has here. I honestly believe that a wife and mother cant possibly be good at everything, or do every job well, there simply isnt time, and if she has a career that takes so much time, the children and husband will suffer as will the marriage. Families take a lot of time and physical and emotional energy to function properly and to be healthy.
I think that your parents are premature to be telling you to divorce her at this time, when there still may be hope. If she wants to divorce you then let her do it and not you.

What does make me VERY sad and angry though, is the way she is using the children to get at you and feeding them lies and half truths to turn them againt you, That is very cruel to them and you. Also the way that she is mucking your daughter around leaving her with you and then having her back isnt fair either.
I see that so often and I hate the way that children are used as weapons. Its so selfish.Dont stoop to her level and keep your dignity, the children will see what is happenening eventually and they will respect you for that.

I think you are right in not running around after her either. If she wants the marriage to end, you wont be there to do these things will you. Be the best dad that you can and see what happens. Its sad that she wont go to counselling, and her view that it is all your fault is clearly wrong, Maybe she doesnt want to be told that she needs to change.Who knows.
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Old 12th January 2011, 02:05 PM   #7
Raymond
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

I basically agree with what Chosen has said also.

You seem squeeky clean to us but I would like to ask if there is anything in what she is saying that does need adjustment? Your oldest was a bit too quick to believe it was your fault that I wondered if there was any truth in what they were told.

You are right in that a blame game doesn't help at this point. Is there a chance that there is more in it than just her work? Obviously that is a problem and adjustment in that would quickly solve it. If there is something else though we need to know in order to give the best advice we can. I am not talking about introspection just something else she may be citing as the reason for the problems.
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Old 12th January 2011, 03:08 PM   #8
stepgrah
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

dear Chosen and Raymond,
I was reding your comments and have been wondering myself what I could be doing that is causing this. THe key areas that we have a gap in is that in the house I am the disciplinarian (she is not) and that my wife tries to give the girls everything that they want.
She says I am inflexible with the kids, but I think that I give the boundaries and I keep to them. I like the kids to earn what they have and not just be given it. In saying that I am talking about making theor bed in the morning and putting dishes in the dishwasher.
My wife is adopted and her dad was on a pedestal and for many years we lived next door to them which I hated. Finally last year I insisted that we move as it would allow our girls better opportunities to be independent as at the time we lived in a rural area with no services. The her father died in August and as said before she has not relly dealt with that.
I am no angel and I think that I had started to analyse the relationship too much for her liking as I somehow always had the feeling for a year or two that she was merely marking time with me. Honest I have been threatened with divorce so many times and have done whatever i can to kee this marriage going, but in the end it has been too much of a movable feast.
I simply love this woman to bits and today as i sit here I think tomyself how much easier it would be if I didn't but I do! I am playing a waiting game nd we need to see what happens.
Last night out of the blue she sent me a text saying that I was not a bad person. NO idea why she sent it but she did.
As i say am not perfect and want to go to counselling to establish what the issues are and move to resolve them, but she won't really tell me why she has gone. I miss laughing with her and I miss the girls, even the one that hates me :-)
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Old 12th January 2011, 07:27 PM   #9
chosen
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

The fact that she has threatened divorce many times makes the marriage an unhappy and insecure one.It is also a sign of manipulation as in 'if you dont do what I want I will divorce you'.I cant imagine what it must be like to live with the constant threat of divorce hanging over you, if you dont 'measure up'. It should never be used in that way. That is no way to live.
Could it be that she is comparing you unfavourably with her father?It sounds as if she idolised her faither and no man will ever measure up. Maybe he spoiled her like she is spoiling your children.
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Old 12th January 2011, 09:13 PM   #10
Raymond
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

I can't see anything in what you said Stepgrah that reproaches you. It is very commendable that you are the disciplinarian. That is a big plus if she is so much the other way.

Seems to me she is acting a little immature with perhaps a touch of rebellion there. She knows you are not a bad person. She obviously has needs going right back. A lot of people do. Maybe even rejection. She seems to be looking for something and not finding it.

You obviously love her but I am wondering if it is reaching her in a special way. I am thinking of the love languages here. Some people do not perceive love in that special way if their language is never spoken. There are five of them: Touch, Gifts, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service. One of those will be her main love language. I don't think it is Quality Time if she is the one who is overworking but it may be one of the other four. It's just a thought as I think as something seems to be missing which is not necessarily your fault. There is something about it within on this site.

I think for the present keep doing what you are doing. i.e. continue to love her but don't be a doormat. I have a feeling that she can't manipulate you so that is a plus. Do you have much fun with her and the children?
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Old 13th January 2011, 08:13 AM   #11
stepgrah
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Good morning,
WEll it was in interesting day yesterday in that at 16:25 I got a message from her saying that she hoped I had ha da good day. I did respond but obviously got no reply .
I had some texts with my youngest daughter last night who told me that there is a terrible strain at my mother in laws house where they are all staying. Apparently with my wife still working hard my poor mother in law is having to pick up where I left off if you like.
You asked if I have much fun with her and the kids and to be honest the answer is rarely. THe kids have their circle of friends and are very busy with them and my wife is either shattered from work at weekends or meets a freind for a coffee.
I am still here at home missing her and playing a patient game hoping that she will at least start to communicate with me on the issues as she sees them. TO be honest though I think she gets so much positive feedback from her peers at work that it is that that is the priority.
As we approach a week of her and the kids not being here it is dawning on me that they might never be here which frightens me. When she did come back to collect my daughter the other night she said that she was taking her "home" which I admit hurt a lot. Who knows wht is happening but I am not texting her unless she texts me and am giving her space. I have tld her how much loved she is and missed, anymore than that I cannot do as I want her to want to be with me not HAVE to be with me for the wrong reasons.

Steve
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Old 13th January 2011, 09:08 AM   #12
stepgrah
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

I just realised something and I admit it has hit me like a kick in the teeth. I texted my wife a few moments ago and asked if her parents evening had gone well and just said that she is missed with a kiss. She responded saying not too bad and have a good day.

REading back though her texts she has either said have a good day or hope you had a good day. I was mistkenly misinterpreting this as warmth when I think it is basically just empty words. SO not a good start :-(
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Old 13th January 2011, 09:51 AM   #13
Raymond
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Well your youngest is feeling the strain so it is not all rosy there by the sound of it.

They are your children as well. You need to go and get them sometimes.

You sound good on discipline with the children but a bit laid back on doing things with them. The discipline should be balanced out with doing things with them as well. You could plan to take them out somewhere they would enjoy. A token of your interest in them?

You sound good on Acts of Service but maybe that is not one of her prime love languages either although it is commendable that you do your bit.

This leaves, Touch, Gifts and Words of Affirmation. Words of Affirmation strikes a chord. She wants you to back her in her work. I know you cannot do that but is she seeking words of affirmation? It's just a thought. Do you build her up with your words and affirm her or does she get this from her colleagues at work? Is there anything that she does whereby you can say well done sincerely? Could that be her prime love language? The part that she doesn't get. Just a thought again.
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Old 13th January 2011, 10:05 AM   #14
stepgrah
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

HEy Raymond and thanks for the response there. I do back her work and have always been supportive and sat next to her to help her and also listended when she has needed to talk and just tell her how good she is when she has had doubts.
She has always had what she calls PLAN B every since she was a kid. She used to be convinced that as she was adopted her parents would some how make her go away so she always had a pl;an for how she'd deal with it.
With me she always said she had a Plan B as well and I think that has been part of the problem is that she has never fully committed to us and has on a day to day basis looked at what she does and does not have in the relationship.
In helping her so much my own career has suffered a lot and I have never minded that, but it has never been recognised. REgarding the kids I asked the youngest if she'd like to spend some time with me this weekend, but she is away for the weekend with a friend which I had forgotten. THE eldest said yes provided I bought her stuff for her ski holiday!
I think that basically no matter where I look to resolve the problem, it may be just a changing feast which is a shame. I have gently pointed out to my wife that she needs to stop looking at what she doesn't have and focus on building on what she does.
We live in a nice house (albeit I am here alone now), we both earn money, the kids are privately educated and have gone on good holidays. We don't starve or want for anything really. It is just that for my wife and eldest (not the youngest) it is not enough.

Steve
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Old 13th January 2011, 02:22 PM   #15
Raymond
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Hmmn. I think you have hit it on the head with Plan B Steve. I think there is rejection there from her childhood in that she doesn't feel fully accepted even though you love her as a wife. A security problem really. Maybe she is striving for acceptance in work when she already has it in you. You may say you love her but deep down she doesn't believe it. She probably feels unworthy to be loved in that deep sense alhough she is unable to verbalise it. She believes the lie sown in her from childhood because the roots go deep. It is well known that what happens between the ages of 0 -3 are very crucial in what one becomes. Nurture at that age is paramount.

I grew up with the same (orphanages) but began to heal when I realised the Christ accepted me as I was, without doing anything to earn it. She will never be able to earn it. You give it freely but she doesn't believe it unless she earns it. No wonder she is restless. Self worth is very important. You probably got it from your parents without realising it. I got it initially from Christ and began to grow from that. It is a thing that can stunt your growth emotionally. You can be in a grown ups body but emotionally still a child.

The only cure I know is spiritual but she might not be open to that.
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