Please help me see straight

[SWEET TEXAN]

Hello, first time to post, I know i am different because i am crying while i type this, i am 51 years old and hardly ever cry, '
my wife is making me think she is ,or was having an affair,or cheated, here is the story
married 15 years, 3 wonderful kids,house in the country, all the regular stuff, nothing weird, straight , no drugs or lots of alcohol. always tried to be a good husband, affectionate, cuts the yard , helps out around the house, and my boys tell me I can fix anything....We both have great jobs that pay pretty good.
I am telling you all of this first bcause, you might think i didnt try,or im a freak or something, I am just old fashioned in some ways,i thought i was supposed to take care of her forever,
My wife is beautifull, I am 51 she is 42 and i thought it would never matter of our age.i am healthy 5/10 185lbs and work out.
I noticed many things over the years but just dismissed them, like slowly her affection was getting less and less,after the boys were born, she was only married once before, right out of school, and that is what is bothering me, i think she didnt get to sow her oats.
Her it is so far, she started in a buisness like AVON but a lot more competitive, I was behind her all the way, she started going to these parties or meetings, they have, and told me one day they might let her go to LAS VEGAS if she has enough points by then,something told me they would, and they did....i really didnt want her to go, since she was going with all single girls,and it was her first time there,but the trust was there so i sent her off...........

First night she didnt call me till 4:00AM our time, i had the boys and they were all aspleep, I got very upset that i didnt even deserve a call to say hello or I LOVE YOU, i didnt blow up till she told me she couldnt use her phone,it didnt work in the place, so i asked if she used anybody elses phone, she told me" i tried 5 different phones and all of theres didnt work either", then i asked if she thought about maybe using the house lobby phone, she said she didnt think about it, so i asked what was worng with her phone, she told me that battery was dead, i said didnt you plug it in? ,she told me the 450.00 a night room she and the girls were in ,all the power outlets on the walls didnt work...............SERIOUSLY?????
When she came home she was clearly different....texting ALL the time,so i started checking, i know it sounds bad, but i have too much invested in this, my boy was sick one morning and i was worried about him going to school he is 8yrs. old, she didnt call me at all that morning and when asked about it she became defensive, and i was told , I was going through a school zone, ok i said how about after that??, she said i was getting gas, Ok how about after that?, she said in the 35 minute drive to her work she didnt think about it, the text bill clearly shows texts to her girlfriends to and from ,and 2 phone calls form other girls i just wanted to know how my first born was doing.
she has that damm phone connected to her at all times she goes in the bathroom with it ,she clears all the messages, but i still check on the bill and the calls are from her 4 sisters,and all girls ,that I know as her friends,
She went to a party one night for the buisness , and i asked if she drank, she said there was no alcohol served at all, when she took the camera , i asked to see the party, and she ACTUALLY deleted pictures right before handing it to me, and told me .wait i need to delete some pictures.....
i know you are thinking WTF..but I got a program that can pull pictures off of a sd card, even deleted, the pictures were bad lighting and of her friends all huddled together, nothing bad, they WERE drinking.
My 5 year old was sick one night and i went to kiss her before i went out in the rain to get the medicene, she pulled away, and told me MAN ,I didnt know i had to kiss you every 5 minutes
When i see her in the kitchen sometimes I get so excited even after 15 years, that i go to hug her, she pulls away and tells me i am trying to tickle her,but I am not....so i just go away
Sex is still there but it got to the point that she just flopped down on the bed like go a head and take it, believe me ,i am a romantic, i give her massages, we used to bubble bath, i get her small stupid trinkets at the store sometimes,in which she states you dont need to buy me anything,i MAKE SURE WHEN WE MAKE LOVE, EVERYTIME ,THAT SHE IS SATISFIED FIRST ..EVERYTIME, AND MOST TIMES TWICE.
She hardly calls me anymore at work, makes up all kind of excuses.....it really hurts.....

I am a pretty good dancer ,and we go out dancing , the other night ,she promptly sat down at a table kinda on the other side , like she was a date, I tried to not make up something out of it, but after she had a few drinks she told me to go dance with someone else, that she didnt mind.. I DONT WANT ANYONE ELSE I ONLY LIVE FOR HER....

She is not a prude ,but doesnt like wild things about sex,
the other night she went to a slumber party, that is one of those parties that sell the sex toys, i was supprised when she told me she wanted to go, it was for our neighbor and she is a sweet girl, so she went , came home told me they just all talked ,nothing happened, and she didnt buy anything, found out they all the girls held a huge rubber penis between there legs and swing it to each other and they have to catch it, the next day she asked me to clean her car out and under the seat was edible lotions and cremes that she bought, i know i should be estatic, but why the lies?????
Second party was just last weekend, she told me she would be home in a bout 10 minutes they were wrapping it up, 1 hour later she came home, i know she was there ,you can see her car from our house it is that close, she told me she bought some bubble bath, NO PROBLEM,the next day , she told me we spent way to much money on gas that weekend, so i went on the bank acoount, and saw charge for the party for 55.00$$$
No way am i spending 55.00 for bubble bath, but i guess she didnt see the reciept in the bottom of the bag, it had 2 more products purchased that wasnt in the bag, when i asked her about it, she told me that they must have made a mistake, so I asked her where the stuff is..it was under her sink in the bathroom in the back hidden, it was not in the bag with the bubble bath, she had hid this stuff, one thing is a GAG creme, please forgive me ,but, she told me it can also be used for ME when i brush my teeth , sometimes , when cleaning my tongue I gag cause i stick the toothbrush too far, that is what she told me she bought it for ........PLEASE!!!!!!!!!
So now I am seeing a consuler for trust issues, she wanted me to go,... after 3 days ,I showed all of this i have told you to him, and he believes she is cheating or has cheated.......
After i told her about him ,she wants me to quit him and get another psycologist.
I am told by her now ,me and the boys have to give her 5/10 minutes when she comes in the door at night from work, we cant rush up and kiss her ask her about her day, my 5 year old does not understand why he has to wait, as do I

Please forgive me for bad spelling........
here is what i want , i want a wife who loves me and is happy to hear from me, likes going out, eating out, staying home, watching movies,truly loves me and our boys, and puts us FIRST, doesnt mind being held, or hugged 2 0r 3 times a day, or likes being told how charged up i get when I see her sometimes.
After 15 years she is the sexiest woman in the world, i am devoted and have never cheated, but i am losing my mind, let me know what you think, could this ALL be trust issues, or is she not conducting herself in a proper way???, could this all be coincidence like she tells me???? i dont want to lose my life and my wife. Someone please help

[Helen_uk]

To be frank I'm afraid I'd have to agree with your counsellor . Either she's cheating or something else is going on she doesn't want you to know about .

It seems like you're saying her character has changed drastically and that rarely happens without a reason . I don't think you have unwarranted trust issues here .

I can't see why she would lie about alcohol ( unless there is some reason you haven't mentioned why she should abstain ? ) and I certainly can't see a reason why she won't let you and the children kiss her when she comes in, unless she has something to hide. Are you sure she hasn' t developed a drink problem ? That would go some way to explaining why she doesn't want anyone smelling her breath .

It might just be that she's mixing with lots of younger single women and now that she's seeing how much freedom they have, she wants some for herself.

I think you need a bit more information regarding who she's mixing with when she's not with you.

[SWEET TEXAN]

Thank you for the reply,I know I sound like a sap, but I love that woman so much , I am almost tempted to just shut up, and still get to see her,and my boys, stupid .RIGHT????
On the alcohol she wanted a pact that we wouldnt drink without each other, since we really dont drink a lot. i agreed, but she is not doing the same, this pact was years ago, and up to this point , didnt really come up.
She just called , me a few minutes ago, i was sick last night, and she didnt even ask if i was feeling better this morning, I know i am a big boy, but who doesnt like to feel LOVED????

[Helen_uk]

She certainly isn't treating you with much love at the moment, figuring out why is key here, but that will be complicated.

I guess you could just ignore it, but I don't think that's going to help long term as then nothing will change will it ?

I think if you want to know why she's suddenly behaving this way and she won't tell you , it's going to involve some digging ... and that won't be pleasant. You also have to be prepared for what you might find, and be certain you can deal with what might turn up.

Everyone has the right to expect their spouse to show them love and judging from what you've told us here you're not feeling that .

It does sound like she's making excuses to avoid intimacy of any kind , now it's just finding out why. Not an easy task.

[chosen]

I agree with Helen. No one is secretive like she is without any reason, and to hide her phone and to go to 2 sex parties and buy stuff that she the denies buying is not right. If she isnt using it on you then who is she using it on?
A married women shouldnt be going out with, or spending lots of time with, single women. She is not single but is acting as if she is. She is in her 40's and needs to take responsibility for her marriage and her children.

I think you need to find out exactly what is going on. Tell her that you know that she is lying and being secretive,and you need to know why. Ask her to go to counselling with you and see what she says.Of course she wants you to stop seeing that person,because they have probably seen the truth.

[SWEET TEXAN]

Thank you , i did ask her and was rewarded by her telling me ,i dont trust her, and I have a problem when i dug around, all i came up with is just girl friends, and nothing else yet........i call it her being not very sensitive to my needs also
chosen, thank you and the others for being brutal an honest, I need that,i started crying at work when i just read that part about who is she using it on.........i am a messed up wreck

[Helen_uk]

I think knowing the truth is always better than living in limbo and wondering . At least then you know what you're dealing with.

People who are cheating become very good at covering up so it may need a little more deep digging.

As to her saying you don't trust her... well sorry, I'd be the same in that position ( and indeed was ) , 9 times out of 10 if your gut is telling you something isn't right then it isn't right.

[SWEET TEXAN]

here is how I mistreat her we went to
San antonio to an art show bought 4 paintings,last weekend
Go dancing almost each weekend,
Go on a weekly date night
Suprise her with lunch at her work ,outside near the water
Get her the flowers i got her on our first date ,each anniversary.
Tell her i love her each and every day
Compliment her the way she looks
Her family loves me and we always go there and see them
We have neighbor hood BBQ's once a month ,(I cook)
Our kids are in GT classes,
I am a volunteer for the Cub Scouts for my boys
I make and design the art sets for the school plays when they need them her idea
I help build the houses for the homeless,her organization
Built my sons the best tree house in our neighborhood
Honeymooned in ARUBA
yearly trips to Cancun
just got back from Cozemel 2 months ago
Took the kids to Disney Florida
Went to California, with the boys, all over Texas, and Louisana
Concerts??? Def Lepored evertime they are here, country, pop,soul
what ever she likes,I am always there for her, dont fish or hunt ,just take car of my family
just got her a 2 Carat Princess cut for our Anniversary

[chosen]

Originally Posted by Helen_uk

I think knowing the truth is always better than living in limbo and wondering . At least then you know what you're dealing with.

People who are cheating become very good at covering up so it may need a little more deep digging.

As to her saying you don't trust her... well sorry, I'd be the same in that position ( and indeed was ) , 9 times out of 10 if your gut is telling you something isn't right then it isn't right.

I agree Helen. My brothers wife said the same thing to him, that he was jealous and being paranoid and he didnt trust her, and guess what, she had been having an affair for 2 years with a married man. I am not saying that is what is happening here, but something is going on. if it is just girlfriends then why is she being so secretive?She clearly feels guilty about something.

[chosen]

Sweet texan, sometimes no matter what we do, its never good enough for the other person.
I cant see that the fault is with you, but with her. I also dont think that age gap anything to do with it, she is, after all, only 9 years younger than you, and thats isnt much at all.

[SWEET TEXAN]

Thanks but i see myself as old ,non attractive ,and as of lately ,non husband material.....
my heart is aching. I just want to be loved back
(TOO MUCH TO ASK)

[Helen_uk]

Thinking like that won't help at all . Women love a confident ( not arrogant , fine line sometimes ) man.

Remember that it's not so much material things that matter so try not to bring up what you've " bought " her . Concentrate instead on what you've done for her and the family and continue to make family your first focus. However , don't let her walk all over you and your feelings , as chosen said the age gap is small-ish and you've already said you look after yourself.

If you start getting needy and blaming your self it will achieve nothing , you have to be strong and focused now.

Something is going on, you need to find out what that is . Then you'll know what you're dealing with.

Keep up the personal counselling too , it always help to have a third person to talk to .

[Forever]

Hi TEX,
California here. I would dig deeper into phone logs. Do you know for a fact that her "girlfriends" are all women and could one of them NOT be? In other words, using a female alias to cover calls?
Does she have a Face Book account?
Does she have large blocks of time that she does not have to account for when the boys are at school, or does she work?

Also, you are indeed a sweetheart. If she rejects you, the greater loss is hers. I am so happy that you have your boys.

Ditto about not being needy, women cant respect that unless you've just had a surgery.

I am so sorry for your pain. But you will need to express it outside of her knowing it or it will empower her.

[SWEET TEXAN]

Forever she does have a facebook account i hate that thing, it took her 4 days to friend me when i found out about it, and still hasnt put me as her husband, i am listed as a friend,she works full time and has all women on the floor, i have been there. thanks for the advice i will try and pick myself up, it is tuff after trying so hard to be right.

[Forever]

You can freely express anything you want here, we are happy to let you vent and hope we can help you navigate through this. Can you figure out how to access her Face Book? I would give suggestions but never used it myself. Everyone I know is on it but I like to communicate the old fashion way, plus it seems to be as dangerous as the internet for many.

Best Wishes