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Old 29th October 2007, 04:48 PM   #1
Martin
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Just a Mess

I have been married two years, my wife left me 6 months ago (pressures of living some where new)... and now wants to make it work again but at some point it will involve me moving some where new. Struggle to trust her and feel like a door mat, resentful and angry, so do not exactly feel the willingness to do it.

We are both intelligent people and hava a fantastic chemistry even now! Talked about it for hours and with others I just value your prayers for God to help us fix it at this time as this has gone on too long.

Thanks for your prayers
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Old 1st November 2007, 06:59 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: Just a Mess

The choice seems to be move or give up the marriage. I think she has to prove herself by living where you do. Your job is to love her and make things the best you can for her, but this must be out of your free will not because of manipulation.

Raymond
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Old 10th December 2007, 11:23 PM   #3
Martin
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Re: Just a Mess

Hi Raymond

Thanks for your reply, when she moved down with me she returned home from Friday to Sunday every other W/E 100 miles distance, most evenings on the phone to mum, I went with her for the first few months but it got to a point where I felt completly worthless and unloved.

The only thing I feel she proved is that she can not live without her family, but to me was able to leave me.

I do not have an issue in principle in being closer to her parents at all (Job permitting), what I have an issue with is I do not seem to be sufficient enough. She says its a different love for them and declares she love me also. Please tell me if I am being unreasonable?

Yes my job is to love her and do my best for her, but what actually is the best for her? us? What about Gods plans for us?

Surely there is a responsibilty for her towards me if we are taking scripture at it's value. I am not trying to score points not at all, but I have an empty insecure feeling left in me.

Would you say there is a root cause or am I analysing to deeply?
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Old 12th December 2007, 08:32 AM   #4
Raymond
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Re: Just a Mess

I feel there is a wrong control operating from the mother Martin. Perhaps she has never let her daughter go. You wifes priority should be you. Yes we must honour our parents but this control thing is deadly. Your wife has to see that to get free of it, although it seems that she is doing her share of manipulation as well or maybe it's coming from the mother. Does her mother control her choices in little things as well as big things? Something is not right somewhere.

Raymond
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Old 12th December 2007, 12:15 PM   #5
Martin
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Re: Just a Mess

My wife is very independent, however she was brought up very close and her sister also.
Its as though she feels a great sense of loyalty to all of her family and as if she is not there spending time with them, the relationship will suffer as a result, but as I stated to her our marriage suffers and finished because of this!

Although we have made decisions in the past and this has been mentioned in passing over the phone to her mother and she has disagreed and our plan then changed due to guilt!

I asked for a divorce 2 months ago as I was so angry, bitter and hurt about her leaving me. I was not attending church but ended up somehow going an Alpha course with another church with God taking this pain away in an instant when I was prayed for. She was also fighting for me not to do it telling wants to sort it out etc.

I was then able to talk to her rationally, with compassion and draw a line in the sand on things.

I also manage to speak to her Dad for the first time very briefly in a year on any meaningful basis about three weeks ago, he has recently become a Christian.

He acknowledge what I was saying, the following day her mum said to her not to worry about them and she should have a family of her own, which to me was excellent news.

This has been going on two years, a kind of a married but in reality still a Boyfriend and Girlfriend situation. I love her but how long do you let something like this continue for, its not marriage and its not what I said I do for its so hard.

We both have met with an independant marriage councillor 1:1 and we have scheduled a date in January together. I have also been seeing a councillor once a week for the last six months to sort my own head out.

However I sometimes sit here wanting to run from it for good as I am so scared of getting that hurt again or her leaving me again because closer is not close enough!

Sorry this is long, I just get worried and anxious about all this stuff as I want to have a great marriage.

Thank you
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Old 12th December 2007, 08:36 PM   #6
Raymond
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Re: Just a Mess

It's nice to hear that it's not her mother controlling her Martin. It may be that she is feeling insecure for some reason and you need to work at understanding her perhaps so that she doesn't need to keep going home. Just a thought. There is obviously something wrong somewhere in her perception of things.

It's great to know that you went on an Alpha course and received some healing from God. Your very best hope in my view is to follow Him and find out about what a christian marriage should be. He is very concerned as it happens. You can't change your wife but you can be the best you can be as a christian and I can almost guarantee a response by your wife eventually.

You have a lot going for you. God is obviously moving in your life and her father's life. This can run through the whole family. I think her parents would be good allies if you get to know them a bit more. You are in a very good position if you can get through this crisis and I feel you can with God's help.

Don't mention the word divorce again if you can help it. There is a spirit behind it that doesn't make for security and will not help you in your resolve to make it work. Dwell on the positive which you have. You are still newly wed and you will both be maturing and learning through this. I think you have a great future.

Raymond
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Old 13th December 2007, 02:27 PM   #7
Heartbroken
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Re: Just a Mess

Hi Martin,

Sorry to barge in on your post but I agree with Raymond (who I think should do this for a living). Keep the D word away it never takes away the pain. My husband starting out telling me he wanted a divorce but has followed through which I am hoping not to happen. My situation is in the early stages of separtion as you can read through my post. I would say yes keep your faith in God and focus on the positive. When I start to feel sad or down I pray. Praying comforts be and then I start to think about the goodness of my marriage even though I too am still a newlywed without my spouse. Just beleive that once the resotration happens your marriage will be a lot stronger than when it started. A friend of mine told me FAITH meant Find.Assurance.In.Trusting.Him. I hold on to that for dear life becuae I know God is in my corner and is seeing me through this. Also what is an ALPHA course?
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Old 14th December 2007, 07:36 PM   #8
Martin
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Re: Just a Mess

Hi HeartBroken

Thanks for your message

No problem with you commenting not at all, I take your point on divorce it just got to such a crisis situation, being 6 months seperated and I was so angry and I mean seriously angry I could not talk to her, just shouted at her down the phone and could not stop.

I was in a complete red mist, I even brought a punch bag on the advice from my councillor because she was concerned of how it was getting out of hand and I could of ended up hurting someone or myself.

I know divorce is not how God intended it to be, but I was sick of being in limbo not able to move on, she was not with me yet she still affected my life. I felt being on my own was better that what my marriage had become.

I have I new love for her now, I am not as angry as I was and I have not raised my voice once I now accept the marriage as it stands at the moment not what I expect it to be.

We now pray together for God to help us work on our relationship.

Alpha was set up by Holy Trinity Brompton in London for people exploring Christianity, http://uk.alpha.org/ Its Global now.

I filled my life with the Gym / sport to try and relieve the anger and stress but this only worked for a short time. Somehow I walked into a church and ended up with an extremely wise and supportive pastor who walked me and some others through the basics of the Christian faith again.

I have not read your postings however I pray that you and your husband will reconcile. I pray that your husband recieves a revelation of Gods plans / purposes for him and for both of you.

Thanks

Martin
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Old 14th December 2007, 09:13 PM   #9
Raymond
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Re: Just a Mess

That's great to hear Martin. God seems to be using these Alpha courses in my area as well. They take the form of being invited to a meal in a home with others of like mind and going through aspects of the christian faith with plenty of room to discuss and ask questions. Nothing churchy about it.

Hope it's working out for you Heartbroken. I think you should change your name now though. That is not going to be a permanent situation although I know it is very difficult now. Remember hope is your helmet for protection of your mind. 1 Thess 5:8. God is not going to let you down. He is our hope always and He is good all of the time.

It's never God's will for divorce. His word says He hates it, but at the same time one cannot manipulate another because we have free will. As you pray God will be involved and you will be changing and knowing His plan for your life. He can use this situation for good in the long run if you lean towards him. You shall see.

Raymond

Last edited by Raymond; 14th December 2007 at 09:37 PM.
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