God does not ask man to do something wrong in order to do something right. In other words, a woman does not have to submit to abuse in order to 'save' her marriage! Abuse is wrong! You submitting to it and allowing your children to be badly affected by your husband's abuse and criticism is WRONG!
I was in a VERY similar marriage. I also had 4 children and my husband blamed me for everything! He was critical and non-nurturing and I felt unloved and unappreciated. The children have been affected! I didn't leave him until the youngest was nearly 13. That's too late. The verbal and emotional abuse has left its scars.
What should I have done? It's so easy for me to see now! I should have stood up to him the second time he criticized or verbally abused me and told him he had better learn to treat me with respect and love or he would NOT be in that category the Bible talks about of those husbands "pleased to dwell" I Cor 7:12-16. A husband who disrespects and abuses his wife and/or family is not 'pleased to dwell' with them and a wife has no responsibility to stay with him.
YOU have a responsibility to provide a warm, nurturing, happy environment for your kids. Even if you don't think you deserve it. They do! You KNOW that the atmosphere in your home is far far from that. Well, it's up to you to rectify the situation. God expects it of you! So what are you going to do? Put up with it for another 15 years? I hope not!
You know how you give children progressive discipline? By reprimanding them, then maybe spanking (if necessary), then taking away privileges one by one. That is the way you must deal with your husband. You tell him you will not tolerate his behavior any longer and that you both need counseling. (This is what I did. It didn't do ANY GOOD! He wouldn't go.) Next, if he refuses, you go get counseling without him and without his approval if necessary! Your marriage, your family, your children's well-being is at stake here!!! If necessary, you separate yourself and your children from him or ask him to leave for awhile because you can't take the atmosphere any longer.
You do all this in love--for your children, for yourself and for your marriage! Marriage is supposed to be happy and warm and nurturing where kind words and encouragment make everyone grow! You cannot have that unless you are willing to stand up for it yourself!
Please feel free to email me for more help. I'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS! I'm now married to a wonderful Christian man who is kind and adoring and respectful and complimentary and affectionate and completely Godly! The difference is night and day and I know now that I should have walked out on my first husband within the first few days of our marriage! I goofed! I was submissive and because of that I harmed my children by allowing them to be 'fathered' by a man who had no idea what a good father or husband should be!
Please don't put up with this!!
Jane
baringstraits@yahoo.com
Write me if you want!