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Old 31st May 2009, 11:49 PM   #1
hollowed
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How do i fix this now?

me and my wife have been married for 11/2 years and dated 3 years prior to that. back in april 08 her father passed away and our marriage has been going downhill ever since. 2 months ago she had an affair and i found out about it 3 weeks ago. when i found out I kicked her out immediatly and over the course of the next few days she convinced me she was ready to take our marriage seriously. we talked about the affair and she said it was just that he filled a need which was that he made her feel important and that she had no good reasons for having it. After a few days she became withdrawn and i asked her what was wrong and she told me she thinks we need to separate because she cares for this guy and not sure what she wants but said she still wants things to work between us and him and her is just a case of opposites attract. A couple of days later it came to she doesn't know if she wants things to work out at all. Wednesday she left to tell her brother of the separation (supposedly) about 5 min after she left her sister in law called me (I'm close to them) to tell me I should come over and see this for myself. I went over there and they prepared me and asked me to hide behind the doorway before she got there and made me promise not to start anything. So I hid and a few minutes later she came in and introduced them to her new boyfriend Dre. naturally that finished tearing my heart apart but i still sat there and listened to everything that was said in disbelief. She told them lies as to why we were separating well she told them we were divorcing. So after they left I left I got her to come home and confronted her about this other guy and after a few minutes she owned up to it. she also said that she had no idea where the guy lives and the one time they had sex they met at a hotel room while I was at work. which makes me suspicious of him as well that he either has a wife,live in girlfriend or not really serious even though he was the one who pursued this relationship even after she ended it with him and he is gone on the weekends to supposedly see his kid in another city. So now she has been completely moved out into a friend of her's apartment but she has been over here every day for a few minutes and when she comes over she hugs and kisses me and before she leaves tells me she loves me and texts messages me at random points of the day. I have no idea what she's doing when apparently she has a new boyfriend. She says she hasn't really moved on it's just easier to be with someone so she's not alone. My wife is bi polar and on no medication because she won't go to therapy because everytime she goes she says they want to lock her up on suicide watch or something. I know everyone is probably thinking I am insane because I still very much love my wife and still want things to work out between us. I don't even how long I should give her before I ask her what she wants. It'll be a week Thursday. I don't contact her at all she contacts me. Everyone keeps telling me I should just let her go but the idea of her no longer being there hurts so much especially when I think about giving up everything we have had together. Starting today I know I won't see her for a few days because of her long work hours. I have no idea what is going on here and my mind and heart is racked in pain.
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Old 1st June 2009, 12:09 AM   #2
Jana Marie
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Re: How do i fix this now?

Hi Hollowed,

I feel for you, I know how much it hurts when you are the one still in love. She sounds really confused. But if you want to try to fix things, you may have to start by doing it yourself. When I first got here a few weeks ago, someone posted a link to stopyourdivorce.com and its a sample of a book from Homer McDonald. The few pages he listed offer so much advice and I started applying the techniques right away. I was too cheap to buy the ebook, but give it a read. It couldn't hurt.
Good Luck,
Jana
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Old 1st June 2009, 12:21 AM   #3
hollowed
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Re: How do i fix this now?

Hey Jana,

Thanks for the reply. I'll give the article a read here in just a second. I noticed you said you started applying the techniques he lists there. So far how are they working for you?
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Old 1st June 2009, 12:26 AM   #4
JWD
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Re: How do i fix this now?

I have the ebook if anyone wants it.

I think you are doing the right thing not pressuring her, she sounds very confused about what she wants. You need to protect yourself.

Keep posting.

divorcebusting.com is another good site which teaches you 180 technique which you seem to be doing already
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Old 1st June 2009, 12:32 AM   #5
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Re: How do i fix this now?

i want the ebook if you don't mind anyways.

it's hard trying not to contact her but I do my best and when we talk I try to be as cheerful as possible.

I'll check out the divorcebusting site. Some of the stuff I am trying to apply now I got from an ebook called Break Free From The Affair.
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Old 1st June 2009, 12:38 AM   #6
JWD
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Re: How do i fix this now?

send me an email to loobyloo09@yahoo.co.uk
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Old 1st June 2009, 12:48 AM   #7
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Re: How do i fix this now?

from looking at the site I wonder if this is an example of what the guy is talking about.

2. Agree with anything your mate says or does. Put a good name on it. Agree with their negative feelings.

last night my wife text me at about 11 or so talking about she was starting to hate the dog there because it had gotten out of it's kennel and was barking every 10 minutes or so. I made some light hearted comments about that i would hate the dog as well and one of the last things I had text her was "well sometimes you just got to take the good with the bad"

is that kind of what he's referring to doing or am I off altogether?
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Old 1st June 2009, 12:54 AM   #8
JWD
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Re: How do i fix this now?

Yep. I did the one where when they say I want to divorce and you say ok and stop resisting and it worked, he looked shocked and asked to come to counselling. Didn't work out for me but that's more my issues too, I couldn't take the aftermath of finding out like his behaviour. Funnily enough the affair with her doesn't concern me really. It was always more about his outrageous lies and shocking display of coldness.

I think the ebooks help us understand and rationalise someone elses behaviour
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Old 1st June 2009, 01:06 AM   #9
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Re: How do i fix this now?

I had the similiar thing as well. When my wife initially told me about the affair she had said she wanted a divorce and i agreed to it. Came back the net day wanting to work it out and even made a statement of saying "I expected the marriage to fail so i never really tried and now ready to try" of course obviously that didn't pan out for long. Like a day or two and the guy had text messaged her a few days after she had ended it with him.
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Old 1st June 2009, 01:10 AM   #10
JWD
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Re: How do i fix this now?

Yeah, she is still caught up in the excitment and attention of a new affair. It won't last with them.

I didn't do some of the stuff correctly, like, I took a lot of the blame which seemed to irritate him more but I think looking back that was because he felt guilty because at that point he was still denying the affair.
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Old 1st June 2009, 01:18 AM   #11
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Re: How do i fix this now?

that's kind of what I think too. I'm pretty sure there's more going on there since she claims to not know where he lives and wouldn't tell me why not. She says it's a case of "opposites attract" I generally think it's opposites attract initially but who knows

Been down that road. When I found out it was still going on I did make mentioned that I felt like a failure as a husband. I think it is confusion though because she said she didn't mention it because she wasn't for sure it was what she wanted.
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Old 1st June 2009, 01:28 AM   #12
JWD
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Re: How do i fix this now?

Well mine said that it just happened, and it was just a kiss LOL.

I felt a failure too, couldn't believe it and didn't see it coming at all. Even now people say did you see any signs and I didn't really. I'm a different person now, I hung on his every word and worshipped him, thought he was great so really that's the only signs something wasn't right and it was with me. I suppose I didn't see any signs pointing to the affair because I was so blind and saw him through those eyes I just described.

I think what it said in the book you sent me about him having a great big hole in him which he thinks other can fill for him is very true of him.

Wish I had this book ages ago, I'll need to find a way to work in some of the message texts next time he call whining how bad his life is :-) Not to save our marriage, just to maybe let him see that he is a great big baby.
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Old 1st June 2009, 01:36 AM   #13
Johnee S
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Re: How do i fix this now?

I'm in the same boat best thing to do is let her be and live her own life wth out you in it. If she truly wants to be with you she'd have done anything to make that happen, but since she is continuing to develop feelings for this other guy let her go as I am having to do with my Wife of 14 years + 3 kids and GF for 17 years. She said if she did decide to reconsile it would be for the kids.

In other words she is still involved with the other guy and has no place to live. I find out Tuesday what she will want to do as we hit mediation together. If she cannot give up the other guy; she can take her things and move out, which is what your woman must also do.

It's funny marriages die because neither of the two put full commitment or the other or gets bored and desires something fresh and new. The feeling of being in-love dies in a marriage and unless both people choose to be devoted to marriage it will fail. It's cold to say but it's the truth.

She's playing you for a fool in my opinion women once they made up their minds to have an affair behind your back they already went through their pain and got over you; they keep you baited on a hook and reel you in with confusion excuses or something like I migh tnot want to let you go becaue I'm not sutre if I have feelings for you or not. In a woman's mind it's something along the lines of this: I am sleeping/being with someone else and want to seperate but your not aloud to be with someone else because if their affair goes to crap they have a back up plan, don't let yourslef get screwed over with that. Don't be the fall back guy for her.

JWD sorry to say it will continue as long as she feels important and what not, this other guy must know she's marriaed and so only is interested in telling her what she wants to hear so he can have her his way. She's baited like a worm on a hook with the affair much like my Wife is with her affair. Hers has been going on for 8 months and counting...
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Old 1st June 2009, 01:38 AM   #14
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Re: How do i fix this now?

The affair caught me by complete surprise and devastated me. I always thought and in some ways still do think we had a good marriage. From the moment we started having problems I was always trying to be there for her as much as I could and eventually i started getting depressed because she was pushing me so far away.

i think it applies to my wife as well. I know she's got a few mental issues (and who doesn't?) because she always feels not good enough for someone.

lol well it might work for that purpose of bringing him to a realization of things. I've been using some of the techniques it talks about. of course I have faltered some. Like when she actually started packing her stuff really put me in a world of depression and then the day I found out she was involved with that guy still.
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Old 1st June 2009, 01:45 AM   #15
Johnee S
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Re: How do i fix this now?

Sorry the feeling not good enough for someone is BS, if she truly felt that with you then why does she not feel that way with her affair? She's playing you and your falling for it because she knows she has you wrapped around her pinky. the sooner tyou get over her the sooner she will start to doubt her back up plan.
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