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Old 18th November 2010, 02:00 PM   #1
birdit
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Angry husband asked me to move out

we've been together 10 years, married just over a year ago. basically i kept drinking too much and being rude to his friends, with one particularly bad incident this summer. he now says he wants space to work out "if he can ever love me the same way again" and asked me to move out. i've been out a couple of weeks now and it's killing me. he barely contacts me and we don't talk. we had a session with a counsellor and he's said he'll go again but that he doubts she can "repair the irreparable". it feels like he's already made up his mind and i can't face losing him - he's my best friend. he's on holiday on his own at teh moment and has sent a couple of cold texts in response to mine - but with none of the affection like he used to use. how can someone just fall out of love after 10 years? and after such a short time being married. i feel in limbo and am terrified of him coming back and saying it's over. what can i do?
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Old 18th November 2010, 06:27 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: husband asked me to move out

The obvious answer may be not to be rude to his friends and not drink too much.

I think that if you seriously deal with these problems he might be encouraged. What is the reason why you are rude to his friends?
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Old 18th November 2010, 07:00 PM   #3
chosen
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Re: husband asked me to move out

birdit
He is going to counselling, so there may be hope. If he had already made his mind up why would he do that?
You need to examine yourself and see why you do this, knowing that it was hurting him and alienating him. If you can show him that you are willing to do whatever it takes to change and stop the drinking etc, then maybe you have a chance.
Give him the space that he needs is my advice, and work on yourself and changing this behaviour. If alchohol makes you angry and aggressive or rude, then there is a simple solution....dont drink any more. Tell him you wont drink any more.
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Old 19th November 2010, 09:27 AM   #4
birdit
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Re: husband asked me to move out

Thanks for the advice. I hear what you are saying Chosen..... my fear is that he is saying things like "I need to work out if I can ever love you like I used to" so it seems that whatever I do to change, it may be too late. There must be underlying reasons why I get aggressive when I'm drunk and I know that he must take some responsibility for how he makes me feel (I feel low down on his priority list) but at the end of the day, this is all academic if he decides that I have damaged his love for me beyond repair. I guess I'm just wondering if there is anything I can do in the short-term to encourage him that this is possible. I doubt he'll agree to the next counselling session - after a week away to mull things over on his own, having fun, I'm sure he'll just decide life is less stressful without me. Also, I believe he's met up with a friend of a friend while he's been away, who happened to be holidaying with her boyfriend at the time. She is going through a divorce too and has witnessed my outbursts - so I fear she will be filling his head wiht all sorts of "advice" along the lines of "dump her, life is better after divorce, don't put up with her behaviour, she'll never change, my husband didn't etc etc - look at me I've found love again blah blah blah"
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Old 19th November 2010, 10:03 AM   #5
chosen
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Re: husband asked me to move out

birdit
I have know a few people who get very aggressive when they drink. Thats just the way it affects them. Stop drinking if it does that to you.
Why not write him a letter telling him what you have said here, and how you feel about him. As a christan I dont believe in divorce, except for serious reasons such as sexual sin and serious abuse, but I do know that many do divorce these days for less, BUT dont give up hope yet.
You could always try praying, I am a great believer in it!

Last edited by chosen; 19th November 2010 at 10:28 AM.
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Old 19th November 2010, 11:20 AM   #6
birdit
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Re: husband asked me to move out

also, he only came to the counselling because he didn't want me to think he hadn't tried....... deep down he thinks it pointless I believe
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Old 19th November 2010, 12:51 PM   #7
Raymond
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Re: husband asked me to move out

I think if you tell him you want to deal with the drink problem you might get somewhere Birdit. You seem to have decided everything is hopeless and this can be self fulfilling if you are not careful. One always needs hope. You have almost decided that he doesn't want you anymore and say that others are encouraging him in this. You don't know this for sure and need to talk to him direct.

I still think you need to sort your drink problem whatever. If he knows about this he might be encouraged. You need to do it for yourself, although his encouragement will be a help. An apology about the way you treated his friends would help as I feel as it does show a lack of respect towards him which is quite important for a man.
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Old 19th November 2010, 01:59 PM   #8
birdit
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Re: husband asked me to move out

Thanks Raymond. The problem is a) i've moved out and b) he's on holiday, so there is no communication and we don't see each other and I can't deal with emotional emails at work. It does feel hopeless because the contact i've had from him suggests it's no longer about me drinking etc but more about him deciding if he can resurrect his old love for me. He says it's gone beyond me sorting things out and putting a "band aid" over the problems.
That's why I feel helpless - it's happened so many times, I can understand why he wounld't want to give it another chance. If I were him I'd think - why is now different? She's only putting on an act to get me back..... In fact he said he didn't want me putting on an act to get the relationship back on the rails.
Can someone fall out of love and back again? It was noly a few months ago he was suggesting children and telling me he never wanted to be apart from me again. :-(
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Old 19th November 2010, 02:08 PM   #9
chosen
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Re: husband asked me to move out

I do believe that marriages can be restored, but it does mean that both have to want to. Write a letter maybe, and tell him all that you have said here, and then leave the decision to him. Give him time and space to reflect and think. he may finds that he misses you more than he thought.

It does seem strange to me that he married you only a year ago(after 10 years together), knowing what you were like, and now has decided that he cant take any more. It may well be that he loves you but hates your bad behaviour.
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Old 19th November 2010, 04:32 PM   #10
birdit
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Re: husband asked me to move out

yes, he does hate the behaviour adn has historically forgiven me because he loved me. i guess now he's not sure that love is enough, either that or i've messed up so many times, that the love has been "crushed" as he puts it :-(
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Old 19th November 2010, 06:01 PM   #11
Helen_uk
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Re: husband asked me to move out

If he's gotten to that point then he must have thought long and hard about it . What you can do is show him you're making a real effort to control the drinking and subsequent behaviour it causes . Give him the space he's asking for too , at least he hasn't closed the door on the marriage - or you as yet so there is hope.

He must be wondering if it will continue if he has you back as it seems to have been a long term problem . Now is your chance to show him you CAN control it .

Good luck .

Helen
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Old 19th November 2010, 07:08 PM   #12
Raymond
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Re: husband asked me to move out

I agree Birdit. When you first came on you quoted the reasons as your drinking and bad behaviour. I think that this still has to figure somewhere in the background and affect the relationship. He must have loved you but the behaviour may have gotten to him eventually. I wouldn't write that off as this seems to be one thing that would have sat on his mind. Besides a drinking problem would tend to scupper a lot of your well laid plans for a successful relationship.

If that isn't the problem could it be that there is someone else on the scene? That is the only other thing that would explain his behaviour. I hope not but this kind of thing can happen.
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Old 19th November 2010, 10:24 PM   #13
birdit
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Re: husband asked me to move out

helen, raymond
thanks for your continued support. if we aren't living or socialising togeher, how do i convince him i'm tackling the alcohol thing? he probably thinks he's heard it all before............. what can i do to prove i'm absolutely serious? i mean, talk is cheap - how can i demonstrate action if we aren't together???
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Old 20th November 2010, 06:52 AM   #14
chosen
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Re: husband asked me to move out

birdit, just do it anyway. Whether he has you back or not, its something that you need to deal with and put right for your own sake if no one elses.Then if the opportunity arises, you can tell him that you have stopped drinking.
I still think you should write to him and tell him all that you have said here. Am I right in thinking that you have told him many times before that this behaviour will stop?if so then it isnt surprising that he wont believe you this time, but do it anyway.
If he is still willing to go to counselling then all is not lost.
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Old 20th November 2010, 08:44 AM   #15
Raymond
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Re: husband asked me to move out

I think Chosen is right Birdit. You need to do it for yourself. I understand that sharing it with him would be a good motivation for you to do it, but you are in the position where he has heard it all before though so it is difficult for you. If you joined AA or something you would get some motivation relating to others who are trying as well. I know you might not be a full grade alcoholic but there must be others who just have a bit of a drink problem.

Are you not in contact with him at all? Not talking or anything? I can't see that it would be cut off that clean after all the years you have been together. I know he is on holiday just now but wouldn't there be some contact when he is back?
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