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Old 21st May 2015, 10:53 AM   #1246
ronnoco
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
with regards "fresh start" I don't know yet I just like the sound of it but I don't know what it will be if it happens at all it just appeals to me, I would love to get away from here
I wonder if the reason you are so reluctant to peruse the fresh start is because in your mind, it will seem like the end. i.e. move area, end of marriage. It doesn't have to be that way. First of all, the moving process takes many months - at this point you will have been separated for such a long time that some sort of drastic change is absolutely essential to avoid going round in circles as you are and feeling like this:

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last night I woke with gut ache in the night but I had a few chest pains as well, I could of reached out for my phone to ring 999 but I didn't I just lay there thinking if this is the end them so be it and that is genuinely how I feel, life is so miserable now compared to my life with her that I still don't care if I live or die
That's just not the way to live Ralf. The whole purpose of life is actually to have fun and enjoy yourself. If that isn't happening, you HAVE to make changes or a truly miserable existence you will lead. I know people who have spent years feeling the way you do and I feel sorry for them but I truly believe there is a solution to every problem, you just need to find it.

If I were you, I would get your house valued so you know how much equity you have and start researching areas in the county to live. If you have to get a bigger mortgage, so what - take the hit. Find someone to look after the cats, maybe even the wife (lol), visit those areas, stay in a hotel for the night, have a nice dinner and breakfast, a few beers in the pub, visit some of the local attractions/things to do. This alone will be an interesting project. Push yourself out of your comfort zone. Even if you don't actually go through with the move, the whole process will give you something else to focus on, but what's not to say you move home then get an e-mail with the words "I miss you" - now, I'm not saying that's going to happen but I can tell that you aren't going to budge on a reunion so if this is what you need to think in order to move on (so to speak) then so be it.

Move to a new area, join a new church, find a new pub, take up some classes - you will be forced to re-discover yourself and in the process might just discover the old Ralf you once were. You might even find in a year or 2 you quite like the life you lead.

Last edited by ronnoco; 21st May 2015 at 11:42 AM.
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Old 21st May 2015, 11:43 AM   #1247
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

I will do things when im ready to do them, there is no point moving to a new area of the country where I know even less people than I do round here these days, at least I have some company round here in a new area I wouldn't know anyone what good would that do me ?, I get lonely enough already with limited company can you imagine just how lonely and isolated I would feel in an area full of strangers ?, I see the principle but in practicle terms it would deffiitely be counter productive to my mental health and well being.
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Old 21st May 2015, 11:46 AM   #1248
notDoneYet
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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I will do things when im ready to do them, there is no point moving to a new area of the country where I know even less people than I do round here these days, at least I have some company round here in a new area I wouldn't know anyone what good would that do me ?, I get lonely enough already with limited company can you imagine just how lonely and isolated I would feel in an area full of strangers ?, I see the principle but in practicle terms it would deffiitely be counter productive to my mental health and well being.
It may also be the catalyst for change that gets your situation moving in either direction. You would have to settle with your W if you sell the house. Even just suggesting that this 'Could' be a possibility would open communication channels.

Get my drift?
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Old 21st May 2015, 11:49 AM   #1249
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

"I wonder if the reason you are so reluctant to peruse the fresh start is because in your mind, it will seem like the end. i.e. move area, end of marriage. It doesn't have to be that way. First of all, the moving process takes many months - at this point you will have been separated for such a long time that some sort of drastic change is absolutely essential to avoid going round in circles as you are and feeling like this:"

No I just don't know what kind of fresh start I want or can achieve, I don't honestly know what to do for the best, maybe a light will go on in my head one day and I will see it clearly right now I know nothing.
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Old 21st May 2015, 11:51 AM   #1250
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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It may also be the catalyst for change that gets your situation moving in either direction. You would have to settle with your W if you sell the house. Even just suggesting that this 'Could' be a possibility would open communication channels.

Get my drift?
She can F.R.O she's getting nowt out of this house I would rather raise it to the ground first.
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Old 21st May 2015, 12:05 PM   #1251
notDoneYet
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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She can F.R.O she's getting nowt out of this house I would rather raise it to the ground first.
You know you can't do that.

But think about what I said.
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Old 21st May 2015, 12:13 PM   #1252
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

She s getting nothing from the house, she has already told me she doesn't want anything and I have it in writing telling me she refutes all claims on the property and its contents (her own things excluded of course), remember we haven't fallen out there is no animosity.
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Old 21st May 2015, 12:20 PM   #1253
notDoneYet
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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She s getting nothing from the house, she has already told me she doesn't want anything and I have it in writing telling me she refutes all claims on the property and its contents (her own things excluded of course), remember we haven't fallen out there is no animosity.
Ok, I'm not a legal expert so I'll bow out of that one.

But THINK ABOUT WHAT I SAID........

If you start making plans to sell up (i'm not saying you WILL sell up) and thinking about moving to somewhere else (I'm not saying you WILL move somewhere else) then surly you HAVE to let your W know? Do what roncco says and get a valuation. Look at other areas. Then you can let your W know what you are thinking and what she wants to do with her stuff etc. Get my drift? Create an opportunity?
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Old 21st May 2015, 12:36 PM   #1254
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Ok, I'm not a legal expert so I'll bow out of that one.

But THINK ABOUT WHAT I SAID........

If you start making plans to sell up (i'm not saying you WILL sell up) and thinking about moving to somewhere else (I'm not saying you WILL move somewhere else) then surly you HAVE to let your W know? Do what roncco says and get a valuation. Look at other areas. Then you can let your W know what you are thinking and what she wants to do with her stuff etc. Get my drift? Create an opportunity?
Yes I know what you mean about creating the opportunity I have spent the past 10 months thinking of little else, I already did a temperature check on that last year and I got a "surprised" response, but im not selling up any time soon it would definitely be counter productive at the moment and could do more harm than good, however, if I did move I would be very tempted to just disappear and not tell her where I had gone but as I said its not going to happen.
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Old 21st May 2015, 12:40 PM   #1255
notDoneYet
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Yes I know what you mean about creating the opportunity I have spent the past 10 months thinking of little else, I already did a temperature check on that last year and I got a "surprised" response, but im not selling up any time soon it would definitely be counter productive at the moment and could do more harm than good, however, if I did move I would be very tempted to just disappear and not tell her where I had gone but as I said its not going to happen.
Dude, I'm not saying move. I'm saying take action to make it look like you are seriously considering it. There is a big difference.
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Old 21st May 2015, 12:51 PM   #1256
ronnoco
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

The reason I suggested it was because I remember you posted saying just how much you hate the area you live in. It seemed to be really bringing you down and I just thought this is a problem that can be changed.

I love where I live and I think the fact that I am happy and content with my home makes a real difference to my health and well-being.

If you goal is to either wait for her to come back or try to get her back then yes, why not play the game as NDY and say you are moving? Actually ask her to look after the cats, go away for the weekends and do a bit of exploring like suggested. Surely it would be more fun that lying in your bed deeply depressed?
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Old 21st May 2015, 12:53 PM   #1257
notDoneYet
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Originally Posted by ronnoco View Post
The reason I suggested it was because I remember you posted saying just how much you hate the area you live in. It seemed to be really bringing you down and I just thought this is a problem that can be changed.

I love where I live and I think the fact that I am happy and content with my home makes a real difference to my health and well-being.

If you goal is to either wait for her to come back or try to get her back then yes, why not play the game as NDY and say you are moving? Actually ask her to look after the cats, go away for the weekends and do a bit of exploring like suggested. Surely it would be more fun that lying in your bed deeply depressed?

BINGO.
Play the game ralf. It'll do you good.
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Old 21st May 2015, 12:55 PM   #1258
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Dude, I'm not saying move. I'm saying take action to make it look like you are seriously considering it. There is a big difference.
as I said I already tried it that's when I got the surprised response.
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Old 21st May 2015, 12:58 PM   #1259
notDoneYet
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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as I said I already tried it that's when I got the surprised response.
But apart from telling her what did you actually do? It's actions that work mate, not words.
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Old 21st May 2015, 01:13 PM   #1260
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Hi Ronnocco my replies are below in bold:

The reason I suggested it was because I remember you posted saying just how much you hate the area you live in. It seemed to be really bringing you down and I just thought this is a problem that can be changed.

Not our street, but the area is pretty miserable these days, not rough just boring and very grey, so many people say the same these days.

I love where I live and I think the fact that I am happy and content with my home makes a real difference to my health and well-being.

I agree there is certainly something in this, but its not the house its this bloody boring grey area that's the problem.

If you goal is to either wait for her to come back or try to get her back then yes, why not play the game as NDY and say you are moving? Actually ask her to look after the cats, go away for the weekends and do a bit of exploring like suggested. Surely it would be more fun that lying in your bed deeply depressed?

There is no way she is looking after the cats, that would mean giving her a key and unless she is coming home that's not happening she gave that right up last year, if I go away one of my neighbours does that for me, and what makes you think I lie in bed deeply depressed ? I don't ! I may go up early to bed at times but that is to get away from the TV and to listen to certain things I like on the radio, I could go out for a pint but I really don't want to get in the habit of that maybe as time gos by I might feel more like going out but at at the moment I do what works for me although repetetive , weekends im up by 9am, in the week around 8am, weekends away I have already considered and might do that from time to time, and yes I could turn them in to fake house hunting trips but as I'm in NC with her how do I get that across to her without breaking NC ? and if I did that would it not look rather spurios ?, " hi not spoke to you for a few months now just thought you might like to know that I'm going up to Arbroath looking for a new house to live in" .
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