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Old 23rd December 2013, 11:21 AM   #16
Roses
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Re: Hoping to move forward

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post


I still think you need to look into why he wanted to leave, and then why he suddenly wanted to come back. There may have been a love interest that ended, and so leaving him alone and wanting to have his family back.

The reason why I think you need to do this, is because if it was for that reason, he may leave again if the opportunity comes up again, and you need to know.

Can you do some investigating or speak to his family? If not bringing it up in counselling may be a good idea. People dont normally leave for no real reason
.
Yes. I agree with you.

Car111 mentions earlier that he wasn't particularly affectionate even at the beginning.
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Old 23rd December 2013, 11:29 AM   #17
Raymond
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Re: Hoping to move forward

I know he loves you in his own way Carr but if it is to grow he has to learn to love you in a way that is special to you including the touch. Believe me that was right out of my psyche being brought up as an orphan and not having the normal nurture. It can be learned if he loves you and it can become natural to him. We can rewire our minds and science confirms that in these days.

Real love always wants the best for the other and is willing to learn. It goes beyond feelings when we are learning to start with, but feelings do catch up eventually. It can be work but it is worth it.

I need to have a word with my son about it. Is your husband willing to read the book to learn? That is all part of working on a marriage.
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Old 23rd December 2013, 11:55 AM   #18
Car111
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Re: Hoping to move forward

Hi Roses and chosen,

There were many reasons that he left, I came to find out later. There was no infidelity going on. There were many issues and resentments that he had toward me that he kept hidden inside and didn't tell me about until the bomb drop of "i no longer love you" and even since reconciling now. He has started to talk to his IC about them.

His biggest issue, that he mentioned at bomb drop time was that he feels that I don't trust him. I have had some insecurity issues and jealousy and it has lead to him feeling all sorts of resentment towards me through the years.

He pointed out the other day that he came to a realization during his last counseling session. He believes our troubles began about 10 years ago when he had moved 1.5 hrs away and I pressured him to let me move in with him. He said, he feels like ever since then our problems started, ,mostly because he felt like his freedom had been taken away. He feels most of our arguments now stem from that. When I talked to my counselor about this issue last week I thought back about this experience and came to realize that my actions were driven out of fear that he was moving far away and I was afraid I would lose him.

A few years ago my mother passed away, and she was my best friend, my one true person in life I could lean on and trust. It devastated me. I leaned on my husband for support and even asked him to do specific things that I thought would help me get through the grieving, but he didn't do any of the things I asked. A lot of our family burden fell on him as he had to take care of the children often by himself. He ended up feeling A LOT of resentment toward me for having to carry this burden while I grieved. :/ So I guess we are BOTH pretty upset about that issue still.

So those are our main issues.

Raymond, I hope I can express to my husband how important the affection is to me, as he just doesn't seem to get it. Right now he is focusing on the fact that he needs to be able to 'feel it' in order to act on it, that he can't do it if it doesn't feel natural. Hopefully we can work on it.

thanks everyone!
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Old 23rd December 2013, 12:48 PM   #19
ronnoco
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Re: Hoping to move forward

Hi Carl111,

These reasons just don't add up to me.....sorry, but they don't. It sounds very much like someone who is trying to justify their actions.

If I was your husband and I could see that you had these insecurities about trust, etc - what I would do is earn your trust. I would call and text you regularly when away, make a huge effort to see you as much as possible, tell you about my day and the people I encountered, ask about yours....because (in my opinion) that's what people in a committed relationship should do. I would see it as my duty to "win you over" and prove to you I could be trusted. I can picture myself doing this right now!

With regards to your mum dying - don't think of it as a burden what your husband had to do, again (in my opinion) this is exactly what he should have been doing. He promised in front of everybody who means anything to you both to stand by you in sickness and health, good times and bad, etc, etc. This is what marriage is all about.

The fact that he resents you for these 2 things is a massive red flag on character and integrity and I believe these are the 2 most single important things to have in a person.

There is a very long post here : -

http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=8663

I strongly recommend you read it. You may see some similarities.
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Old 23rd December 2013, 02:53 PM   #20
LibraLady
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Re: Hoping to move forward

Most Men are very cautious to move ahead at a steady speed when they feel like they will be vulnerable. My hubby went through thaT FOR YEARS....he came around slowly but only after I was seconds from the door, unfortunately. In some instances, some men will push the envelope to see just how much they can take you through before you say ENOUGH!

Let this reconciliation also be on YOUR TERMS. You dont have to take what he is giving you if its not what you need/want. You have feelings too and deserve love as well.
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Old 23rd December 2013, 05:28 PM   #21
Roses
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Re: Hoping to move forward

Quote:
Originally Posted by ronnoco View Post

These reasons just don't add up to me.....sorry, but they don't. It sounds very much like someone who is trying to justify their actions.

The fact that he resents you for these 2 things is a massive red flag on character and integrity.

http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=8663

Hi

I strongly recommend you read it. You may see some similarities.
I agree with your astute observations.

This thread reminded me of the past thread (see below):

http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=2124

If her h wanted to cling to his own freedom so much, he should have stayed single quite frankly.
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Old 23rd December 2013, 05:34 PM   #22
Roses
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Re: Hoping to move forward

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Originally Posted by LibraLady View Post
Most Men are very cautious to move ahead at a steady speed when they feel like they will be vulnerable. My hubby went through thaT FOR YEARS....he came around slowly but only after I was seconds from the door, unfortunately. In some instances, some men will push the envelope to see just how much they can take you through before you say ENOUGH!

Let this reconciliation also be on YOUR TERMS. You dont have to take what he is giving you if its not what you need/want. You have feelings too and deserve love as well.
I disagree that "most men" are like Car111's husband. There are nicer ones who are far more emotionally literate and supportive.

Yes, there is a similarity between this thread and yours as well.
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Old 23rd December 2013, 05:54 PM   #23
Raymond
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Re: Hoping to move forward

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Originally Posted by Car111 View Post
Hi Roses and chosen,

Raymond, I hope I can express to my husband how important the affection is to me, as he just doesn't seem to get it. Right now he is focusing on the fact that he needs to be able to 'feel it' in order to act on it, that he can't do it if it doesn't feel natural. Hopefully we can work on it.
Sounds very plausible but you and I know it is not true. If he could read the Five Love Languages maybe he would understand.
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Old 14th April 2017, 01:31 PM   #24
Car111
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Re: Hoping to move forward

Hi all, I just thought I would give an update as to where I am at now. What a journey it's been. I think back to all of the help that I have received on here! My ex left me on Valentine's day 2014, exactly one year after the 'no longer love you' bomb drop of Valentine's 2013. Since then, he is with the possible affair partner. We have joint custody of our 3 children. I have been dating a great man for almost 2 years now. This man is wonderful to me, kind, caring, compassionate, loving and affectionate. I have felt more 'me' then I ever have, and have started back at painting, and have been out doing all sorts of adventuring that makes me happy - rock climbing, hiking, snorkeling!!

I had a rough go after separating, felt depressed for a while, did much contemplation, and now I am happy again and at a good place. Thanks everyone for their help along the way.
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Old 14th April 2017, 07:07 PM   #25
chosen
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Re: Hoping to move forward

Quote:
Originally Posted by Car111 View Post
Hi all, I just thought I would give an update as to where I am at now. What a journey it's been. I think back to all of the help that I have received on here! My ex left me on Valentine's day 2014, exactly one year after the 'no longer love you' bomb drop of Valentine's 2013. Since then, he is with the possible affair partner. We have joint custody of our 3 children. I have been dating a great man for almost 2 years now. This man is wonderful to me, kind, caring, compassionate, loving and affectionate. I have felt more 'me' then I ever have, and have started back at painting, and have been out doing all sorts of adventuring that makes me happy - rock climbing, hiking, snorkeling!!

I had a rough go after separating, felt depressed for a while, did much contemplation, and now I am happy again and at a good place. Thanks everyone for their help along the way.
Its lovely to hear from you, especially that you are so much happier now. Does you new man have children as well?
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Old 14th April 2017, 08:21 PM   #26
Car111
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Re: Hoping to move forward

Thanks! Yes he has 2 girls, around the same age as mine. Things are going really well. Happy and living life!
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Old 16th April 2017, 11:43 AM   #27
Raymond
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Re: Hoping to move forward

That's wonderful to hear Car.
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