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Old 9th May 2005, 08:08 PM   #16
BryanK
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Re: Confused Wife Wants to Leave

Update.

Yesterday I found a letter from her friend/boss detailing their night of passion together. Apparently, after she left me, the two of them got together. She swears it was only after she left (like it matters) and that it was a huge mistake on her part. At this point, I am at a loss for what to do next. After reading the letter I called her immediately and let her have it with both barrels, something I've never done before - 45 minutes of me telling her everything I ever wanted to say (and then some) with no sugar-coating. What I didn't know is that she was in her car and she was driving to me. After she got there, we spent another couple hourse talking about things, and the strangest thing is that it was the best talk we've had in a long, long time. Almost refreshing in an odd way. It was as if we both had nothing left to lose so we didn't hold back.

At the end of it, she said she has no feelings for the OM, and it was a mistake. She still doesn't know what she wants, she can't commit to coming back - or trying to work things out - but she can't see herself leaving either. She says she second guesses herself all the time and worries she is making a huge mistake she will regret for the rest of her life. On my side, I need to figure out what it is I want at this point and whether or not I will be able to life with what has happened. Do I keep trying or say "enough is enough" and move on with my life withour her? It would be so much easier if I could hate her, or stay mad enough at her to walk away, and the same goes for her. She told me she is still confused and unsure and she doesn't know why instead of telling me to f-off when I confronted her, she decided to drive to me to work things out. If she wanted out - wasn't that the perfect time and place to leave? Is she just waiting for me to make the final decision so she won't have to feel bad about it?

Also - as I said, I know the OM. We used to spend a lot of time with him and his W. His W has no idea what happened, should I tell her, or is that being vindictive?
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Old 9th May 2005, 08:30 PM   #17
London
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Re: Confused Wife Wants to Leave

BryanK -

Quote:
Also - as I said, I know the OM. We used to spend a lot of time with him and his W. His W has no idea what happened, should I tell her, or is that being vindictive?
Yes, that would be vindictive. Furthermore, it's not your responsibility to address OM's morality. Your marital woes are something you need to work out with your wife, not OM or OM's W.

As far as how to progress. It sounds like you guys are at least talking. I still suggest you look inside yourself for what *YOU* want and allow her the same space. What is it that you want from all of this.

Assuming your W did only get together with the chap after you guys split up, then accept it as such (that means no snide remarks). She says it was a mistake - okay, that's typical. She's a confused person right now and the attention/passion at the time with OM felt right (and needed). She wasn't thinking that it was "cheating" on you since you guys were "separated". After the deed, she realises that he's married and that it was a mistake. Whatever. You'll need to accept that if you want to reconcile with her.

You on the other hand also seem equally "confused" - stay/go/throw her out/ move on etc.... You'll need to address the deeper parts of what you want from her - all things being equal. DO YOU LOVE HER ENOUGH TO CONTINUE WITH HER?
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Old 9th May 2005, 08:35 PM   #18
helenrw200
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Re: Confused Wife Wants to Leave

I agree with london, although it may feel as if you want the OM's W to know, this could be taken as a feeling of revenge ? You have enough problems in dealing with your own and your wife's feelings , don't involve the OM's W, you could end up feeling worse in the long run.
Helen
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Old 9th May 2005, 08:46 PM   #19
BryanK
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Re: Confused Wife Wants to Leave

Quote:
Originally Posted by London
Yes, that would be vindictive. Furthermore, it's not your responsibility to address OM's morality. Your marital woes are something you need to work out with your wife, not OM or OM's W.
Good point, however from a non-vindictive point of view, I feel bad for his W because I liked her and part of me feels like it is my responsibilty to let her know. But I guess all that is the least of my worries at this time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by London
As far as how to progress. It sounds like you guys are at least talking. I still suggest you look inside yourself for what *YOU* want and allow her the same space. What is it that you want from all of this.
If you asked me that two days ago - I would've said all I wanted was for us to work things out and find the answers we are looking for. Now - I can't say. I've never been cheated on in my life before, and I always told myself if it happened - I would leave, no question about it. Now here I am, and I haven't left.
Quote:
Originally Posted by London
Assuming your W did only get together with the chap after you guys split up, then accept it as such (that means no snide remarks). She says it was a mistake - okay, that's typical. She's a confused person right now and the attention/passion at the time with OM felt right (and needed). She wasn't thinking that it was "cheating" on you since you guys were "separated". After the deed, she realises that he's married and that it was a mistake. Whatever. You'll need to accept that if you want to reconcile with her.
I agree 100%, the hard part is putting it into practice. I know the OM is in love with her, he said that and much more in the letter I found, and they still work together, not at the same office anymore, but contact between them will be unavoidable. I have to find out if that is something I can live with and if I can trust her again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by London
You on the other hand also seem equally "confused" - stay/go/throw her out/ move on etc.... You'll need to address the deeper parts of what you want from her - all things being equal. DO YOU LOVE HER ENOUGH TO CONTINUE WITH HER?
Confused doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. In the last 24 hours I've run the gamut of emotions from rage to understanding. I guess I need time to let things even out and see which emotion is still coming through the strongest. Part of me things I must love her enough to continue, or I wouldn't be here or I wouldn't have talked to her for hours yesterday. But the other part of me is now nagging at me that I am just too chicken to leave.

Thanks for the reply.
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Old 9th May 2005, 08:55 PM   #20
London
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Re: Confused Wife Wants to Leave

BryanK -

At least you have recognised what your confusion is about - that you either love her or are too chicken to leave. Guess what? Your W is probably feeling the same way. Although, she has in the past said to you that she doesn't feel any passion for you - that may have been her way of saying to you that she doesn't feel any passion coming from YOU.

Re: telling OM's W - yes you read in the letter that OM is "in love" with your W. But again, you need to work on YOUR marital situation and HE needs to sort out his. Your W already told you that she doesn't feel anything for the OM (for what its worth, you need to take that at face value - for now).
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Old 9th May 2005, 10:28 PM   #21
Concerned Reader
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Re: Confused Wife Wants to Leave

Dear BryanK

Given the long conversation which was unexpectedly helpful, perhaps this article might help:

http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriagecl...id/index8.html
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Old 9th May 2005, 11:08 PM   #22
BryanK
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Re: Confused Wife Wants to Leave

Thanks, that was a good read - I liked the excercises.
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Old 12th May 2005, 11:15 PM   #23
disbelief
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Re: Confused Wife Wants to Leave

Hi Bryan,

How are you holding up? Have you made any more progress in your discussions? It sounds like you still have hope, provided you and your W can find a way to "connect" again. I know how confusing and painful the "I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you" statement is - I've heard it verbatim.

In my case, I finally broke through to the truth last night and found out she was trying to stay together more out of guilt and sense of duty than true love and that she has been in contact with the OM the whole time. My intuition knew this was the case, but I just wanted to hear if from her. This has been going on since I first uncovered the affair, and in a wierd way it feels good to finally HEAR the truth. She still has deep feelings for the OM and I respect that she is finally cutting through her lies and deceit. However painful this may be initially, it may warrant a solid effort on your part to find out if this may be the case in your situation.

We're now examining separation options and doing it in a cool and collective manner. Maybe it's just the pure emotional exhaustion that is giving me a sense of relief working toward this closure, who knows. The wierd thing is, we're still sleeping in the same bed together comfortably. It's as if the truth has set things free and amidst the pain and hatred a certain peace has emerged. Emotions are strange.....

Keep in touch, I know how tough it is.

Take care,

Disbelief
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Old 12th May 2005, 11:46 PM   #24
BryanK
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Re: Confused Wife Wants to Leave

Quote:
Originally Posted by disbelief
How are you holding up?
You know the drill, up one minute, down the next. Trying to stay busy as possible and keep the mind occupied.
Quote:
Originally Posted by disbelief
Have you made any more progress in your discussions? It sounds like you still have hope, provided you and your W can find a way to "connect" again. I know how confusing and painful the "I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you" statement is - I've heard it verbatim.
No, no real progress of late. I sent her a long email today kind of outlining my thoughts, without being overly serious or dramatic, just matter-of-fact. May have been a mistake, but we'll see how it turns out, or if I'll get a response. I talked to her this morning and she sounded down, which is why I sent the email. I have no idea how we can "connect" again, but at this time I just need to work on me and what makes me happy and see how things work themselves out.
Quote:
Originally Posted by disbelief
In my case, I finally broke through to the truth last night and found out she was trying to stay together more out of guilt and sense of duty than true love and that she has been in contact with the OM the whole time. My intuition knew this was the case, but I just wanted to hear if from her. This has been going on since I first uncovered the affair, and in a wierd way it feels good to finally HEAR the truth. She still has deep feelings for the OM and I respect that she is finally cutting through her lies and deceit. However painful this may be initially, it may warrant a solid effort on your part to find out if this may be the case in your situation.
Thank you for sharing that. I know exactly what you were going through before you found out because that's what I think of daily. Was she telling the truth that it was a mistake? Is she just still trying to not hurt my feelings? Would she go to him if he left his wife? According to her, it's over, it was a mistake, and she doesn't want to be with him - but how do you ever know for sure when she told you before there wasn't anybody else? How many times can you confront her? Should I confront her again and ask her one more time - and if I did would I belive her then? It's amazing the tricks your mind can play on you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by disbelief
We're now examining separation options and doing it in a cool and collective manner. Maybe it's just the pure emotional exhaustion that is giving me a sense of relief working toward this closure, who knows.
In my case it seems like it takes a few days to set in, kind of like I'm in shock, and then when it hits, it hits hard! I felt pretty decent on Sunday after finding out and talking, and each day after I felt progressively worse. I'd give anything for numbness sometimes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by disbelief
The wierd thing is, we're still sleeping in the same bed together comfortably.
Take advantage of that man, seriously. I would give anything to have the chance to see her everyday and work on things together. I bought the book Divorce Remedy and it has really helped give me some perspective and some ideas. I highly recommend it, I just kick myself for not doing this 6 months ago when I had the chance to work on things while we were together.

Best of luck.
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