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Old 9th August 2008, 10:23 PM   #1
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 4
Exclamation i need help, dont know what to do

I married young, at 18. I am 21 and just celebrated my 3 year wedding anniversary a few days ago. My husband is 30 (though looks my age) and latino. we live together in guatemala.

several months into our marriage he started getting easily frustrated and i started being the ''i'm sorry'' girl. so after about a year of that i got mad at myself for being so, and stopped saying sorry every time (but i still do when i am wrong)

well then he started talking about divorce and how we shouldnt be together, every time we had any small fight. it could be a fight over who left the lights on and he would still talk about divorce and such.

i tried everything to make things better, from talking... hinting... crying... giving him time... yelling... asking his friends and family for suggestions... nothing was working, so finally i left him.

i came back when he asked me to (as i hoped he would have) but that day he did the same thing, 3 times in one night and i realized he just didnt get it. so i left again. said i think we needed a divorce (honestly i didnt mean it, but i had no option).... so i was hoping with me saying that seriously he would think like ''oh crap... that's not really what i wanted'' and try to change. so anyway after a few days separated he asked me back and started to change his angry habbits.

great so i'm happy with that. but that is the base of my big problem now. a few weeks ago he said he thought we might be leading to divorce cuz he's not sure if he loves me anymore... because (get this) he's not sure he can love me completely after i almost left him. so he took it back a week later, said he loved me, was going to give our relationship a try. great... try

that aside... i tend to be jealous, but hear me out.. it's not because i am jealous of girls, rather my husbands behavior. ie... i was only jealous of one girl before, because of HER behavior, she was rude to me and he stopped talking to her after many fights over her worthless sluttish bottom.

so... he use to get annoyed at me for spending too much time on the computer (i use to spend an hour or two a night on it to talk to my family in the usa and friends) so i stopped going on at home cuz i have internet at work anyway and am pretty much free to browse the web here, easy solution.

bringing us to the current big problem... where now my husband acts distant from me. he doesnt talk to me much now. when i talk to him he doesnt like to look at me, he generally looks at the wall or something else. he complains if i ask him to watch a movie with me or play a game with me. he then proceeds to talk online to his friends that he JUST saw in work half an hour ago... until the depths of night, and when i complain about it just gets annoyed.

when i say i'd like to go out more often, he says we go out all the time and he spends enough time with me, he shouldnt be expected to go every time i want.

ok so i tell him my point isnt going out more often... it's HIM asking to take me out sometimes. note: every single time without exception that we go out, i have to ask for it, and 97% of the time he complains about his being too tired, but then does it anyway, as though to say ''i'll do it to get you to shut up but i'm not happy about it!''

so he complains we should go out to bars with friends i say ''sure, i'd love to'' but then he never does. then he says he doesnt see his family enough or go out without me enough. i say ''if you're only going out with guys, no problem, go out once a week if you want'' and i try to push him to visit his family.

he complains that i am too jealous... example of said situation, last night our coworkers (we work in the same company, different buildings) asked us to go out, so we did. i asked him to get up dancing and he refused so another guy asked me to dance, i asked for his approval, he said ok. so i did, but 3 seconds later my husband was dancing with another girl.

so i said after at home ''next time dance with me instead of some strange girl... fine if i am dancing with a guy you are dancing with a girl... but if you tell me you dont want to dance, but tell a strange girl yes. it hurts''
of course he got mad and said i was crazy jealous and his favorite ''fine i'm never going out again!'' line (he does that with anything)

little while later, the beer rep. girls were taking a picture with our group, and i was in the bathroom, i came back just as they were taking the pic. i saw the pic, his coworker had her face cheek to cheek with him whilst i was in the background like a stranger. it really made me mad, but instead of talking to him, i wrote the website for that beer company where they would post the pic and said ''please delete that pic, that's my husband and rest assured it will start a fight in the future if you post it''

now... when my husband i were dating and recently married and such... he was so cuddly. always kisses and hugs and ''i love you'' and ''you complete me'' kinda stuff....

i don't expect that now being that i know guys arent always like that anyway.. but now...

he wont say ''i love you'' he hates it when i kiss him or hug him in public. on the street, restaurant, anywhere... he will try to avoid it, like turn his head quickly. he also gets annoyed if i try to hold his hand in a restaurant.. and he will not ever hold my hand walking, on the street, in a bar, or even at home.

it's like.. if we're not making love i dont get any attention that would imply i was in a romantic relationship with him... the bad thing that he had no problem taking a pic like that with his coworker, but if we were to take a pic together, he would not try to pull me close, or even try to get close to me. he doesnt even like taking pics with me anymore.

i dont do anything without asking him normally. i mean i would never dance with some strange guy if he didnt approve, i would not go out if he asked me to stay home. i ask for his opinion when i want to be something we really dont need.

note... he didnt like that i dont like to cook, i've been cooking more. he didnt like that i dont like to clean, i've been cleaning more. he wanted a maid and i refused, until now... so i got one to wash the clothing. he said it drove him nuts that i didnt use mouth wash, so i use it now. anything small or big he didnt like i changed.

i dont know what to do. I have tried to talk to him about it. i have tried reverse psychology. I have examined every aspect of our relationship and done trial changes to see what helps. nothing does. i try to dress different ways he likes, i try to put my hair up different ways (i normally dont wear my hair up or wear make up). i try to play his video games with him more. i try to get him his favorite candies like marshmellows more often just for him. i am normally a very very affectionate person. and so i tried the opposite, giving him space and such. as said, i even tried to leave him... that just ended in ''ok, then leave'' kinda attitude.

nothing seems to work. really i am so lost. i dont want a divorce so no one suggest that, if i leave for a few days surely he will ask for the divorce. i want to avoid that. so... me leaving aside, what can i do? i need help... i am lost... when i talk to him, no matter how i try to approach it and what situation it always ends up with the intonation of ''evil crazy jealous wife'' (with the sarcasm of -yes im such a horrible husband, why are you with me-)

i've suggested professional help, he refuses.

please i'm begging for anyone for any advice on getting through to him just that i need some attention too, and he should be careful how he behaves with other girls

(by the way... he would never cheat on me, that i know. yes i'm certain and for good reasons)

PaulsJadeAngel is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th August 2008, 08:45 AM   #2
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: i need help, dont know what to do

Hi PJA you sound like a really good wife. Your husband sounds a bit immature and has still not adjusted to being a husband. He is still young and this should come in time. Sounds a bit like I was. Sex was great but I didn't naturally show the affection in other ways. It took time for me to learn that. My home background was bad so that didn't help. His home life or culture would affect the way he behaves. It sounds like he is freezing you out because he doesn't fully know how to relate in marriage. I had to learn from the bible that the paramount thing is to love your wife as christ loved the church. A lot of what he does isn't loving to you but I know you cannot change him. He is playing around a bit talking about divorce and saying he feels he doesn't love you. This is immature and I see it all the time on here. It's best to never mention the word divorce as it can let in something that isn't helpful to a marriage.

It sounds like the marriage needs work on it and I think you are doing your part. Let him know how you feel and suggest counseling to him. I would suggest you give him lots of encouragement when he is doing things well. I think he is aware of his shortcomings but doesn't know how to fix them. He will need your continued patience.

See what others will say.

Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th August 2008, 09:17 AM   #3
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Re: i need help, dont know what to do

It seems like you are trying so hard for this to work, and to be honest the only thing that works is the talking I know is not easy but you have to find the perfect time and place to have this conversation. is hard because sometimes the other partner doesn't want to listen to marriage problems. But if you do have this conversation with him try to accept his honesty as well even if you are not hearing what you want to be strong because of that answer you are looking for it will be the key of you're future.
Other advice and this one work for me try to read other posts even the answers are not for you, you can find good answers.
I hope everything gets great in you life.
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Old 10th August 2008, 05:21 PM   #4
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 4
Re: i need help, dont know what to do

i know the problem he had previously with anger was a very latino thing... well at least for this country. i see it with all the men here, and thankfully he has toned that down a lot.

i am not afraid to talk about this stuff with him, as i feel ignoring these things is rather foolish. i also had a very bad background, and it wasnt until i was 17 that i finally could sleep one night without crying. i never had friends in school, i was very made fun of... and my family life was beyond complicated, so until i met my husband i never shared my worries with anyone. i bore secrets for years that eventually tore my family apart when they came out... and i know i have a lot of emotional difficulty for that.

though it makes my friends angry, my husband has told me at some points he wanted a ''normal wife'' (ie.. one that didnt wake up crying from a nightmare). i get frustrated because now maybe i will cry only once every few weeks. i have had therapy when i was younger, and absolutely everyone says i am very strong for what i went through... and i live a very normal life compared to others that have gone through the same.

so i know that is part of his problem, and i do my best (it saddens me but i dont have much choice) to avoid talking to him about it when i feel down.

i learned my lesson that keeping quiet does more harm than good... and so i do talk to my husband, and i have talked to him about this in many ways, many times and situations. (it seems the best thing so far is talking to his friends and not him, and when they mention small bits of indirect advice it seems to help slightly).

the difficulty i have is that.. i know what my husband does not like in me, that i dont enjoy cooking and cleaning... i bite my nails (yes i am trying to stop) and such things as that. but what the big problem is that every time i change one thing he doesnt like it doesnt seem to affect his attitude, so i feel like maybe there is something that has changed in me for the worse? and he doesnt want to tell me... he has said some very very mean things to me in the past... extending to ''i hate you'' (during a fight) ''i wish i never married you'' ''i dont think i can deal with you for much longer'' and such things. he always appolgizes after, but they hurt (he hasn't said this for a while) but i dont understand... how he can tell me these mean things, but it seems like he's afraid to tell me what really is bothering him?

i do try to respect what he feels about strongly. ie... i was obsessed with ancient egypt since i was 7 years old, and so i had a lot of arabic friends. he seems to be jealous, like he thinks they will steal me away from him, and so he doesnt like arabic men. so to try and make things better i also stopped talking to all my arabic friends (save for my 3 good friends that he has no problems with).

by the way, i must say.. yesterday he was exactly what makes me happy. i was surprised, but he actually kissed me 2 times without my pushing for it. he said ''i love you'' once and was cuddly and attentive. i dont really know why... wish i did so i could make it happen over and over again :P but it made me soooo happy. maybe his friend is getting through to him. hehe.

maybe things will get better, i hope, got my fingers crossed.

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Old 11th August 2008, 05:48 PM   #5
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: i need help, dont know what to do

I hope it does get better PJA.

You have to talk about things that affect you. Maybe it's too much for your husband to handle but you do need to talk to someone.

By the way you were not into the occult were you? Just a thought. Some things that you said made me think that.

I think theres more in this than just changing things. I believe he has trouble handling your past. You are a lot better but some things affect you which you need help with.

Anyway see how it goes. I am always here if you want to share.

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Old 11th August 2008, 07:26 PM   #6
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Posts: 4
Re: i need help, dont know what to do

if u mean wicca, i studied it for a while when i was younger, as well as a few other religions. if it's in reference to egypt, it was polytheistic but not wiccan. i am pretty open minded for peoples beliefs and i study them so i can better understand other peoples reasoning and morals and behavior. it helps at times, but no, i am not a pagaan.

2 days running of good luck, oddly enough, when i have good luck with my husband one of my friends has bad luck with his gf, and when i have bad luck he has good luck. ironic huh? thank you for the support, i really appreciate it
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Old 13th August 2008, 12:34 PM   #7
Join Date: Dec 2006
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Re: i need help, dont know what to do

It's possible you could have picked up things PJA from Wicca which is really a branch of witchcraft that would affect you. I don't think you can play around these things without getting burnt, but it's your choice of course. I wouldn't be surprised if dabbling in these things has affected you from what I know about it. The only way to be free is in facing up to Jesus christ as the only son of God. If that is true you can only imagine where these other practices are coming from, but everything is our choice in the end.
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Old 14th August 2008, 01:50 AM   #8
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Re: i need help, dont know what to do

How did we go from talking about PJA's problem to getting her to switch religions. I'm not a God basher or anything like that, but Geez. Who cares if she's practicing Voodoo. I don't think that's the reason for her husband acting like he is. Becoming religious or changing religions isn't going to solve any problems.

PJA, your hubby's confused. He doesn't know what he wants. He's 30'ish you say, and your early 20's. What are his friends like? Are they single? Do they date regularly? How does he act when he's with them? Maybe he is envious of how he see's others, being fancy free. As a guy, I can gaurantee, that does happen. (sad as that is), some guys simply can't let go (of their youth).

It sounds like you have given your best shot, and I'm not saying give up, but beating a dead horse doesn't make it get up. He's got something on his mind and bugging him. You happen to be the easiest target for him and it's no energy to treat you like crap.

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Old 15th August 2008, 05:55 AM   #9
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Re: i need help, dont know what to do

Yes, it will.

I used to be involved with spiritualism. It is nothing to mess around with.

I am now a born again Christian and, if it wasn't for my relationship with God I don't know what state I would be in.

And, I am separated from my husband but, my prayers are being answered.


Be responsive to your husband when he kisses and show other types of affection. Work on yourself. I bite my nails too. I really hate that. But, I put on acrylics.
Pray and go see a good Christian counselor. Seems you have depression from your past. I had it too. Still fight it to a certain point.
I am a latina and I know what you mean about the anger it happens a lot in my family. I don't have it but those close to me do.
You will be alright. Ask God to give you strength and peace . He will I am testimony to that.

So, put on your pretty nails. Wipe your tears and shine on.
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