Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

[chosen]

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

Hi Chosen that is very sad and I feel for you I really do I cant even begin to imagine how horrid that was or what kind of impact it has had on you god bless you and keep watch over you always, but thankfully no 2 situations are the same,

Thanks Ralf but mums death was 28 years ago now and Dads was 16 years ago, so it only occasionally comes back to me with a jolt now.

Yes I appreciate that no two are the same, but leaving your marriage for reasons which she claims aren't to do with the marriage, seems a weird thing to do. If its not do to with the marriage at all then why leave it? Have you ever actually asked her why she has left you if that isnt the reason? The thing is that she has left the one thing she claims has nothing to do with her state, and does nothing about all the other things she says are.

[ralfgarnett]

When I was talking to a counsellor the other evening he said something quite profound that I had never thought of, he told me he hears stories like this quite a lot, and some people are that weighed down with stress and grief within that they cannot dedicate themselves to being a full on caring spouse until such time as they clear the turmoil out of there minds then they cam begin to
commit themselves back to being the husband or wife that they want to be for their partner, I thought that was quite an interesting idea and that I had never thought of, my wife is a very thoughtful and caring person and is the type of girl to give her all in everything she does, maybe being a wife with her problems is just too much for her and she needs time to clear her head in her own time and space away from the family home, as you said the other day absence makes the heart grow fonder, fingers crossed that will happen, she rang me a bit a go to make arrangements for today and she sounded very tired and down, maybe it is the thought of spending the day with me that is doing that but I doubt it, if she didn't want to do it then she wouldn't do it.

[chosen]

If the counselor is right then she needs to try and help herself doesn't she If she doesnt then she will never get strong enough to live normally. I have never heard of anyone leaving their marriage for those reasons, but its possible I am sure. I would actually need my husband more if I was unhappy or upset. I hope it goes ok today and that you have more enlightenment as to the situation.

[ralfgarnett]

Hi Chosen we have had a lovely day out thanks, we brought her lovely 13 year old niece with us as she is studying WW1 in school at the moment and I thought it would be a good idea for her to come with us so that she could learn something worthwhile in order to perpetuate the memory of the suffering during that dreadful conflict, also because she was with us it gave us the opportunity to enjoy a friendly day out without heavy questions or situations regarding our marriage, also it shows her what a great unselfish bloke I am in allowing her niece to come out with us at such a delicate time in our lives, all these things are browny points for me in my battle to get my wife back, had a nice lunch in China Town too and a couple of beers that went down a treat, brought some nice Chinese snacks home from the Hong Kong style bakery which I absolutely love, char sui pork buns, oyster and seaweed fritters, pork satay crisp, shrimp dumplings, and delicious honey buns.

[chosen]

Sounds lovely ralf.

[ralfgarnett]

It was Chosen I have scoffed the lot its the first in ages I felt like eating I have lost so much weight its unbelievable I am almost back to my waste line of 20 years ago, I just pray that god will take me in the night without pain or fear, I want to be with mum and dad and to look down from heaven and make sure my wife and fluffy babies are ok and to watch over them all then guidance and love them from above, I have loads of different tablets her and one littre vodka maybe that's the way it ould end, it has to end somewhere so why not today ?

[chosen]

Its not what God wants for you thats why. As I said my mum did that(she was severely depressed) and it left our family and myself devastated. Don't put others through that torment that we had to face.
No matter what happens life will get better. It did for me and it did for my husband, and others here, and it will for you.

[ralfgarnett]

I just miss her, there is a huge void in this house without her, I just want her to come home but I am powerless to win her back, if only I could see some hope that we can re-unite but I currently cant see any, maybe I'm blind and there are signals that maybe its not over, I know for certain that she wouldn't spend time with me if she didn't want to, she wasn't well yesterday looks like she was going down with a virus or something yet she still made the effort because she said she didn't want to let me down, got a nice big hug too, and received an e-mail this morning as follows:

"Hi @@

Just wanted to say thanks for today it was a lovely day out, hope you enjoyed it too. Speak soon

@@"

So maybe I cant see the wood for the trees, I just feel as though this could all of been avoided if she had spoke up instead of bottling it all up, maybe also she thinks that she has caused so much heartache that there is no way back for her, I don't know I really don't , I just wish it would sort itself out so we can be together again, I just cant ever see myself with anyone but her she is the only girl that I have ever truly loved 100% and I have had many women in my life, I was only thinking the other day that I have had around 10 women that have told me they love me in my life but out of them I have only ever loved 2 of them back and love my wife more than anyone or anything ever.

[chosen]

Maybe its time that you two had a heart to heart about what you both really feel about the marriage and the future.

[ralfgarnett]

Too early I'm afraid, this is going to take time, meanwhile I think I might think about having a few days away with my old pal, just 2 or 3 days chilling, walking, eating French food, and downing a few beers, he is good to me and understands really well, and has assured me if I get upset while away he will understand and make sure that I'm ok, what a great mate he is not everybody is like that.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

Too early I'm afraid, this is going to take time, meanwhile I think I might think about having a few days away with my old pal, just 2 or 3 days chilling, walking, eating French food, and downing a few beers, he is good to me and understands really well, and has assured me if I get upset while away he will understand and make sure that I'm ok, what a great mate he is not everybody is like that.

Sounds like a very good idea.
Do you honestly think she doesnt know what she wants?

[ronnoco]

He sounds like a great friend. I think that would do you the world of good Ralf. You should do it.

My best friend was a rock for me during my breakup. He was a good therapist for me too. He noticed things that I didn't.

Sometimes we can't see the wood from the trees, especially when we're in the thick of it. The fact that your wife is still in regular contact is a good sign though. Try not to over analyse it though.

[ralfgarnett]

I know it makes my head hurt.

[ralfgarnett]

I honestly think that her head is blown I really do and I told her mum that.

[chosen]

That's not a medical term:-)
In many ways she doesnt seem THAT bad. She is still working and seems to still be seeing friends etc while not doing anything to get herself help which most in her position would be.
I had a break down many many years ago and also had severe depression, and I could never have done the things she is doing. I have known others with depression and breakdowns and again they just weren't able to function as your wife is. My aunt has just had a terrible breakdown and spent 9 months in hospital totally unable to function normally. MY mothers family have had a lot of people who have had bad depression with 2 suicides so I have come across it a lot.

I think your wife probably has some anxiety and mild to possibly moderate depression, and also some residual grief left over a that she is stuck in, which could easily be helped with a doctors advise and some grief counselling. I don't think she is seriously depressed or that she had had an emotional breakdown. I just don't see the signs there.

However, you have to a wonder why she is doing nothing to help herself here. If she felt that bad, she would surely be only too keen to get all the help she could. If she wanted to get right again and get her life back to normal, there is so much help out there today.

For example, there is this charity for those who have lost someone close and need help.
http://www.cruse.org.uk/