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Old 31st October 2011, 10:37 PM   #1
Ash78
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In a new relationship but why?

I have been in a relationship, living with someone for 6 months. The girl is a Russian immigrant who was brought over here by her late husband who obviously left her widowed. She is very attractive in appearance but a complete pain about quite a lot of things.

When we first met I made a point about telling her that I was in difficult financial position. This will resolve once my house is sold which hopefully will be sooner rather than later.

She keeps looking at designer clothing, handbags etc and making comments. Her late husband, in my limited knowledge, seems to have provided things for her and money was not an issue. I keep hearing how wonderful he was and he would buy her this that and the next thing.

After being with someone who was completely selfish I feel that I am being dragged into the same thing. I am happy to support someone even to the point of being the sole earner but there seems to be a total imbalance her. She is as I said very attractive and she is 11 years younger than me but I am getting tired and stressed but all the arguments.
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Old 31st October 2011, 11:09 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: In a new relationship but why?

Ash why are you with this girl? She is clearly very high maintenance and is out for what she can get.Once you sell your house how long do you think that money will last with her?
So she is attractive and 11 years younger than you. So what? She isnt making you happy and these things are not really important when it comes down to it.
I think you know what you need to do. I can never understand why men fall for women like that just because they are yonger and attractive, when they are just not nice people and are just wanting to live off the man, spend all their money and care little for them. She is using you.

I think that many men are just so naive and guillible.

Going by what you have said on the other thread, you have jumped far too soon into another serious relationsip, moving in with another lady after such a short time and you need time to recover and sort your life out.
I would recommend a break from dating for some time, sell your house, get somewhere to live, a job,and wait till you are emotionally ready for a normal healthy relationship, and not trying to get anyone just to fill the gap.

Last edited by chosen; 31st October 2011 at 11:15 PM.
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Old 1st November 2011, 08:29 AM   #3
Ash78
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Re: In a new relationship but why?

[QUOTE=chosen;66316]Ash why are you with this girl? She is clearly very high maintenance and is out for what she can get.Once you sell your house how long do you think that money will last with her?
So she is attractive and 11 years younger than you. So what? She isnt making you happy and these things are not really important when it comes down to it.
I think you know what you need to do. I can never understand why men fall for women like that just because they are yonger and attractive, when they are just not nice people and are just wanting to live off the man, spend all their money and care little for them. She is using you.

I think that many men are just so naive and guillible.

Going by what you have said on the other thread, you have jumped far too soon into another serious relationsip, moving in with another lady after such a short time and you need time to recover and sort your life out.
I would recommend a break from dating for some time, sell your house, get somewhere to live, a job,and wait till you are emotionally ready for a normal healthy relationship, and not trying to get anyone just to fill the gap.[/QUOTE]

Chosen
You are right on the mark and I know it.. She cannot get any money from me as I have none and my intention once the house is sold is to buy a camper and take some time off and build myself a house something I have wanted to do all my life.

Also I hate to be on my own.
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Old 1st November 2011, 10:21 AM   #4
chosen
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Re: In a new relationship but why?

Ash I do understand about hating being alone, I was a single mum for 6 years, but I KNEW that I wasnt ready for another relationship for well over 3 years after my first marriage ended. It was 6 years before I met my husband.

Does this glrl know that you are selling your house? If so then she will be after that money as well. Honestly being in a relationship just because you have to have a person to fill that gap is disastrous. My advise is to do things, hobbies,sports, join clubs, get work, volunteer, mix with other people etc etc.
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Old 1st November 2011, 10:33 AM   #5
Ash78
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Re: In a new relationship but why?

[QUOTE=chosen;66327]Ash I do understand about hating being alone, I was a single mum for 6 years, but I KNEW that I wasnt ready for another relationship for well over 3 years after my first marriage ended. It was 6 years before I met my husband.

Does this glrl know that you are selling your house? If so then she will be after that money as well. Honestly being in a relationship just because you have to have a person to fill that gap is disastrous. My advise is to do things, hobbies,sports, join clubs, get work, volunteer, mix with other people etc etc.[/QUOTE]

She does know yes but I know the relationship is not going to work. She seems to think I have money just she is not getting any. I know you are right again.

I do feel I am ready for a relationship just that I am being taken for mug. This girl is like my ex in so many ways and I guess that was part of the attraction but I can see it for what it is.

My intention is to sit it out until I have my money and then just do my own thing.
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Old 1st November 2011, 11:13 AM   #6
Helen_uk
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Re: In a new relationship but why?

Ash,

Why are you " sitting it out " with a young girl who you consider to be blatantly after your money ? Ask yourself why you feel it's better to be with someone , anyone.. rather than be alone.

I have to disagree with you , I think it's far too soon for you to be in or even considering another relationship.

When a marriage breaks down and there are unresolved issues stemming from that you need time emotionally to withdraw from that and recover . Otherwise you risk doing exactly what you've done, getting involved with someone who mirrors your ex and promises to cause you the exact same problems. Or you risk thinking any woman you meet is the same as your ex.... That's no way to start a new relationship.

Coming out of a marriage and being alone is hard, nobody will tell you otherwise ...But I think it's necessary to then take that time out alone to take stock, to heal and to sort out your own life.

Being single can be fun , you can please yourself , go where you want , when you want, eat pizza in front of the tv at 3 am if you want... It doesn't have to be a lonely time if you fill your time with other things ... Do you have friends you could go out with ?
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Old 1st November 2011, 11:33 AM   #7
Ash78
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Re: In a new relationship but why?

[QUOTE=Helen_uk;66329]Ash,

Why are you " sitting it out " with a young girl who you consider to be blatantly after your money ? Ask yourself why you feel it's better to be with someone , anyone.. rather than be alone.

I have to disagree with you , I think it's far too soon for you to be in or even considering another relationship.

When a marriage breaks down and there are unresolved issues stemming from that you need time emotionally to withdraw from that and recover . Otherwise you risk doing exactly what you've done, getting involved with someone who mirrors your ex and promises to cause you the exact same problems. Or you risk thinking any woman you meet is the same as your ex.... That's no way to start a new relationship.

Coming out of a marriage and being alone is hard, nobody will tell you otherwise ...But I think it's necessary to then take that time out alone to take stock, to heal and to sort out your own life.

Being single can be fun , you can please yourself , go where you want , when you want, eat pizza in front of the tv at 3 am if you want... It doesn't have to be a lonely time if you fill your time with other things ... Do you have friends you could go out with ?[/QUOTE]

Helen
Didn't like being single the first time round and at that time I worked full time and studied part time so there was much social interaction. Have a dog for company but it still is not the same. I am not meant to be on my own but I am aware of who is good for me and who isn't.

The fact is I have worked out that she is not right for me I now just need to work out what I am going to do about it and when.

I am not sure she is blatantly after my money. I just think that her expectations of Western men are clouded by her experiences. You have to remember that she has come from poverty I know that is not an excuse but it is a fact.

All my friends are married
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Old 1st November 2011, 12:18 PM   #8
Helen_uk
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Re: In a new relationship but why?

Ash,

Being single is what you make of it, and is far less damaging emotionally than to keep hooking up with the wrong people. You not only run the risk of getting hurt yourself, but also of hurting someone else ( even if it's unintentional )

When my last relationship ended I hadn't been single for more than a couple of weeks since I was 14 , I was 43 by that point. I'd always been married or in an LTR .I wasn't sure I'd cope and at first it wasn't easy . I felt like you, not meant to be alone. But although I still went out on " dates " , I made sure I didn't get into anything long term as I knew I needed time to heal and to learn more about what I wanted . My relationships had formed a pattern.. always with similar types of men and so in the end I always ended up with similar problems.

I'm not here to tell you what you should or shouldn't do , you're a big boy . I'm just sharing my thoughts on your situation and perhaps offering an alternative for you to think about . Ultimately the choice of what to do is yours.

As to what to do about your present relationship. I guess you have to ask yourself if it's fair on her or you for that matter to let things go along the way they are if you aren't planning it to be long term , surely the sooner you let her down gently the better ?
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Old 1st November 2011, 12:36 PM   #9
Ash78
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Re: In a new relationship but why?

[QUOTE=Helen_uk;66332]Ash,

Being single is what you make of it, and is far less damaging emotionally than to keep hooking up with the wrong people. You not only run the risk of getting hurt yourself, but also of hurting someone else ( even if it's unintentional )

When my last relationship ended I hadn't been single for more than a couple of weeks since I was 14 , I was 43 by that point. I'd always been married or in an LTR .I wasn't sure I'd cope and at first it wasn't easy . I felt like you, not meant to be alone. But although I still went out on " dates " , I made sure I didn't get into anything long term as I knew I needed time to heal and to learn more about what I wanted . My relationships had formed a pattern.. always with similar types of men and so in the end I always ended up with similar problems.

I'm not here to tell you what you should or shouldn't do , you're a big boy . I'm just sharing my thoughts on your situation and perhaps offering an alternative for you to think about . Ultimately the choice of what to do is yours.

As to what to do about your present relationship. I guess you have to ask yourself if it's fair on her or you for that matter to let things go along the way they are if you aren't planning it to be long term , surely the sooner you let her down gently the better ?[/QUOTE]

I feel sorry for her as she has no friends and no family as well as being in a country far from home.
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Old 1st November 2011, 12:38 PM   #10
Helen_uk
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Re: In a new relationship but why?

I'm sure you do Ash.... but unless you're planning on this being a long term relationship , she's going to have to know sooner or later , and leaving it til later won't make it easier on either of you.

Sometimes you have to make difficult decisions now for the long term good . If your partner is expecting marriage, babies a home for life and then 6 or 12 months down the line, when your house is sold, discovers that wasn't your plan at all I think that's going to be more difficult for her than to find out now. As I said though, it's your choice.
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Old 1st November 2011, 12:42 PM   #11
Ash78
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Re: In a new relationship but why?

[QUOTE=Helen_uk;66335]I'm sure you do Ash.... but unless you're planning on this being a long term relationship , she's going to have to know sooner or later , and leaving it til later won't make it easier on either of you.[/QUOTE]

I keep hoping she will see things the way they are that she can have what she wants she just needs to plan and work for them.
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Old 6th November 2011, 11:50 AM   #12
Chamomile
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Re: In a new relationship but why?

Hi

I agree with Helen.

It is a strange relationship when a man has a relationship with someone (either a man or a woman) who wants someone with "a fat purse and a pulse". It doesn't matter who you are so long as you have money for her to buy her gucci hand bags, shoes etc. You are essentially a Sugar Daddy.
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