Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  
Old 11th October 2011, 03:00 PM   #1
Hunnymunster
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Exclamation Help!!

I haven't been on here fir a while due to circumstances.
Early this year I stumbled across about posts my husband wrote on a public forum. I read them through back dated to 3 years ago to a time I suspected my husband was having an affair. The post he wrote confirmed he was having an affair nut open about her calling the women his girlfriend and described her, their meeting and holidays he was going on with her. He even exchanged banter with other people about her and basically classing himself as a man without a family but a girlfriend.
He made arrangements to meet people with her at an arranged forum meet with him.
At the time 3 years ago he totaly denied an affair and at the same time from what u can see he was telling me one thing and writting posts at the same time about him and his girlfriend .
I was in complete shock , at the same time this year as u stumbled on these posts I had problems with my health, a cancer scare, so I didn't approach my husband and still haven't.
The thing is to me this is more serious and has more issues than a secret affair and to be honest I can't stand to be near my husband , though my heart is still in love with him.
This isn't the first time, he has a thing with dating sites and enrolled in one this February saying he was single, though clearly he wasn't single he was and is living with me.
All through this we appear to be happy snd get on in fact we more than get on.
He doesn't know yet I know of his severe life, u intend saying something to him and ending our marriage as I can't trust him anymore.
I guess I am looking fir back up, that my choice is right as I know he won't ever change ?
Please help!

Last edited by Hunnymunster; 12th October 2011 at 10:09 AM. Reason: Not finished
  Reply With Quote
Old 12th October 2011, 09:11 PM   #2
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Help!!

I don't know how far he has gone with this but any affair adultery or even and emotional affair will severely damage the trust you had for him. You do have to confront him. If he turns out not to be sorry then it is bad news as it means that the trust cannot be restored easily. If he turns out to be sorry about it then there is more hope and it will be possible for him to build the trust so long as he is sorry enough to not do it again. I think you are doing the right thing. There is no room in marriage for affairs and the like as it breaches the intimacy that you should be enjoying together.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th October 2011, 11:10 AM   #3
Hunnymunster
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Help!!

The affair took place 3 years ago, at the time all the signs were there and we had ricky times but he totaly denied an affair, stupidly I belived him.
It was purely by accident I came across the forum and read the posts he had written 3 years ago . At the same time he was denying an affair he was bragging to strangers about his girlfriend as though I didn't exsist.
I spent the last 3years living with the doubt and knowin I was silly ti belive him.
Now I have it in black snd White , in his words, telling people about the holidays they went on when I thought he was on his own.
To thus day if I mention anything he gets angry if I suggest he had an affair .
He doesn't know I have seen the posts, due to I'll health I put off telling him and meanwhile he enrolled fir a dating agency at a time he wouldn't speak to me as I wouldn't agree to go on his annual holiday to watch road racing, the same holiday he took his mistress and he hadn't been since . Si he turned ti a dating site and sent strangers questionaires, all because I was in the bad books with him, .
It is true, try as you might affairs ruin everything precious between a couple and anything personal between us feels like a violation!
It happened 3 years ago , I have only recently found out the truth and I can't bare him to touch me even though he is/ was the love of my life .
  Reply With Quote
Old 13th October 2011, 01:10 PM   #4
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Help!!

He has been unfaithful Hunny and he needs to be sorry and get right with you over this. These things push a wedge between the intimacy one should enjoy with their spouse. All you can do is confront him with the evidence and let him know that you know. Hopefully this will bring him to the repentance that is needed here.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th October 2011, 11:37 AM   #5
Hunnymunster
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Help!!

Hi Raymond
If this was his first time I would agree, but it isn't . I am sure he will have slot of remorse , at being found out more than anything . I think more than anything I am sad that through the posts he wrote fir thousands of people to read, about his girlfriend , hurt me more. I think there is a little more to this than the affair, it's the openesd of his relationship with her and taking her away when I had to take the time off work fir him to go on his trips. I am more disturbed by his confident openess about his affair , when at the dame time he was trying to convince me nothing was going on and that u was causing grief for nothing , that's what I can't get my head round. I know it will happen again and I know since of a few occasions match.com has appeared on my p c,
  Reply With Quote
Old 14th October 2011, 12:47 PM   #6
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Help!!

There is a difference between remorse and repentance Hunny. Remorse is being sorry you got caught. Repentance is being sorry that you did it including an attempt to restore the trust.

You have put up with this over the years and it is kind of inevitable that you would be a kind of doormat to allow it to happen without any confrontation. He wants to have his cake and eat it it seems.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th October 2011, 05:08 PM   #7
Chamomile
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 816
Re: Help!!

Hi Hunny

Is your h still seeing this "girlfriend" of 3 years? It wasn't quite clear to me.

Are you saying your husband has been using match.com as an available, single male whilst he is in fact, a married man? It's odd that he has this "girlfriend" as you describe and he's still on match? Sounds like he's on the prowl behind your back.
Chamomile is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th October 2011, 12:42 AM   #8
Hunnymunster
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Help!!

Hi sorry I wasn't clear. I found out this April that my H had an affair 3 years ago , I guess it ended after a year or so but I didn't know about it till this year. I haven't told him I have seen the evidence as I was waiting for a biopsy at the time.
Now I am feeling stronger to deal with it. He went on march .com this year while I was at work doing nights, I saw on the history he had made a profile and approached women with questionnaires, I don't know if he met any but again I have been through this with him and he always denies any wrong doing.
To be honest, I love him bur he makes me feel sick and u hate him touching me even just to brush past me makes my skin crawl now I know of what he is capable of and worse to show off on a public forum for the world to see
  Reply With Quote
Old 17th October 2011, 02:45 AM   #9
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Help!!

Would it be easier for you to confront him with a counsellor there? I cant see how this situation can continue as it is. It must be very damaging for you. You say he gets angry when confronted, and that is his way of coutrolling you and making you back down. Anger is a very controlling ploy, my ex used to use this also.
Do you want to stay with a man who acts like this? If not can you seperate for a while and tell him why?If you are afriad of his anger talk to him with someone else there or write it all down in a letter.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th October 2011, 10:57 AM   #10
Hunnymunster
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Help!!

Hi,
his anger isn't a problem it's more dismissive and an avoidance with him.
He will think because it was ages ago why I have brought it up now, even though I didn't know til this year. I guess my problem is confronting him, just how ti start up the conversation really and how to be strong. My problem is I can't get angry with anyone no matter what they do to me, wuss or what. ?
  Reply With Quote
Old 17th October 2011, 11:02 AM   #11
Hunnymunster
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Help!!

I guess I just need to know, I am right to bring all this up and justified to end my marriage because when all said and done this is down to me. He won't change , he just lays low for a while, forgets what he has done in the past or belived he hadn't done anything wrong and goes and dies it again .
I love him and he has lots of good qualities , but he can't be faithful fir long it's as though he needs the buzz, and if I ever mention anything in the past he totaly denies anything happened. That's why thiscevidence us sooooo important , it backs me up and proves he type of bloke he is, lovely on the outside and a sneak inside , a liar and a cheat!
  Reply With Quote
Old 17th October 2011, 12:36 PM   #12
Helen_uk
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,531
Re: Help!!

Hunny,

I was in this kind of destructive relationship for 5 years . I loved him, I made excuses for him. He never changed.

Without remorse on their part there is no way to move forward. My ex was full of excuses, he blamed me for checking up on him, he thought saying sorry was good enough- and then just kept on doing it.

Like your H he was a lovely guy on the outside , but inside him there was this constant need for the thrill of the chase . He had a dark , secret side that I got to see and I didn't like . I couldn't trust him. Without trust what's left.... ?

If he can't admit to what he's done, how can he show remorse ? Until someone accepts they've done wrong there is no way to work on things.

Eventually I discovered I valued my own peace of mind more than I loved him.

I think you need to stay calm, present him with the evidence you have and see what he has to say for himself. If he shows anger then I'm sorry , but I think your marriage is over.

You deserve better than this.
Helen_uk is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th October 2011, 12:59 PM   #13
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Help!!

This has been going on for a long time Hunny. Last time you got the same advice. Nothing has really changed.

Really the choice is down to you. You found it hard to risk ending your marriage because of his unfaithfulness. Apparently he still goes online and is able to handle you it seems. It will stay like this until you do something. Our advice last time and this time is to confront him. Use the evidence if you want. He shuts you down easily because you don't make a stand on it and prefer to put up with it and so it becomes catch 22.

What if in the end, after getting all the evidence, he says "so what". What would you do? I think you have to take a tougher stance and not be pushed around like this. "Either you stop or I go" is what should happen. I think otherwise you are just waiting for the next affair or one night stand which makes havoc of your marital intimacy.

Last edited by Raymond; 18th October 2011 at 01:09 PM.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th October 2011, 01:34 PM   #14
Hunnymunster
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Help!!

What you say is totally true , but there is a time lapse since the advice in April as I was undergoing tests ect fir cancer , I had a biopsy in June which was all clear.
Due to this cancer scare I put everything else behind me .
Once I got the all clear I had to have other treatment and hadn't until recently faced reality with my situation .
Because I had kept the knowledge I had and the confirmation of the affair since April to myself, I guess the one and only question is am I justified to act on the evidence, when (1) it happened 3 years ago and (2) I only found out this April for sure.
Thankyou fir your advice in the past Raymond, but the reason I didn't act was due to illness and not because I didn't take your advice.
Thankyou all fir your advice. Hunny
  Reply With Quote
Old 18th October 2011, 02:30 PM   #15
Helen_uk
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,531
Re: Help!!

The affair may have happened 3 years ago hunny, but from what your first post said your H enrolled in a dating site in Feb this year .

The point is he won't stop unless there are consequences . If he keeps getting away with it , there are none... so what incentive does he have to stop ?

To me , joining a dating site shows intent to cheat . Put that together with the fact he has already cheated on you ....

I'm glad to hear your cancer tests were negative, and I can understand that you've had other , more important things on your mind since April . I do think though that this problem isn't going to go away and the stress of living this way won't be beneficial to your health either .
Helen_uk is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
None

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is Off
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 05:05 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright 1999-2020 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer