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Old 27th February 2013, 06:28 PM   #1
marcus99
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i dont want u back. give me money to build.

my ex and i broke up 4 years ago. yes it is a long time. year 1 was missed opportunities due
to bitterness and stubbornness on both our parts. the next two years were based on the kids
with whoom i have a great relationship. about a year ago my ex and i started to get on well.
her attitude changed and i was allowed stay in the house weekends. no intimacy but it was
like being a unit again. we went on a holiday last summer. being with her and the kids and
noone else all that time away made me realise i absolutely wanted to give things a go. i spoke
to her when we got back. she said no but was emotional and wept so i read that as maybe some
hope. the past six months i tried everything to resolve things. and yes as the rejection
grew i became desperate and needy and the rejection turned to anger. she is now sure she does
not want me back. i believe this. she has no reason to lie. she knows she can have me and
does not need to play games even though she seemed to be trying to hurt me at times with
the things she said which were neither necessary or in some cases true.
anyway i am in the acceptance stage and have ended my desperate quest at least now
and maybe thats it.
she and my children live in rented accomadation. she has asked me to contribute to
building a house. she knows i can raise the money and i am not being asked the entire
amount. we were never married and she is entitled to no more than maintenance which she
gets. i dont want to be mean but i loath the idea contributing to build a house some random
step dad may raise my kids in. i am considering putting a similar sum instead in to an
education or savings account the kids can have. this however leaves them in rented accomadation
paying dead rent money. i also rekon should i assist with the house it ends any hope and possibly
it does should i not help and maybe there is none anyway.
i am so unsure and it it a big decision. all opinions positive and negative welcome.
please comment. any man any woman and you dont have to be on my side. i dont even know what is
the right thing to do. i love my kids. i remember what my ex was like with me in happier
times. i am bitter about this decision.
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Old 27th February 2013, 08:39 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: i dont want u back. give me money to build.

Sounds like you were beginning to get on Marcus and then you started getting angry again and perhaps that finished it?

If you can afford to help your family live in a house I think that would be a good thing and a sign to the children that you have not deserted them. Your relationship of showing love to them will be important as they grow up. It will show you cared even though you were being rejected.

Why do you think she gave up on you if she has? Were you faithful?

I think it is important you keep relationship with your children. As you say a step dad is not very palatable. I will be a safeguard for you to keep in touch.
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Old 27th February 2013, 11:11 PM   #3
marcus99
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Re: i dont want u back. give me money to build.

well it was she got angry with me cause i did not respect her decision not to give things a chance. the chase is over now and maybe permanently but she wants me to contribute to building a house i will never stay in but will be a home my kids live in. i am in a real quandry about it.
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Old 28th February 2013, 09:40 AM   #4
Raymond
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Re: i dont want u back. give me money to build.

I can understand your quandary Marcus. You want to help the children but you don't want to contribute to a possible future stepdad.

Is there a way you can be part owner of this new house but still letting her and the children live in it? Your part could be a trust for the future of the children maybe.

You say she got angry because you did not respect her decision not to work on the marriage but why did she not want to work on the marriage in the first place? What went wrong before that? What were all the arguments about?
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Old 28th February 2013, 11:14 PM   #5
Forever
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Re: i dont want u back. give me money to build.

The ONLY way I would contribute to helping fund a house such as what she is proposing is that my name were on the Deed. Otherwise, she can then turn around and sell it and pocket all funds when she finds a man she thinks to be more suitable for her than yourself...so much for a house "for the children". If her name were on the Deed with you, she can refuse to sell it even if you want to...and you WILL once she moves her next lover into it.

You do not need to worry about the standards of housing for your children unless they live in a dump. They are not holding your feet to the fire...they just want/need love...the rest of what they possess will not be what they remember or cherish regarding you.

If you do not want to contribute to the house project (I WOULD NOT) then funding a trust in THEIR names for education ect is far better an option...making sure she cannot "tap" into it whenever she manipulates her own children in the same manner.

I think this woman is taking advantage of your feelings for her...$tringing you along in hopes of getting more out of you than she ever intended to give...yet having the audacity to tell you (are you listening?) that there is no hope. You cannot buy love...and thinking if you roll over and tend to her every wish will net you some, wont work. This is not a business adventure which can be manipulated to an end which both are satisfied. I think you will kick yourself and feel like a fool soon after the paint dries.

How about you buy a house and let her rent from you...maybe even live there for free (with a signed agreement so she cannot claim it as a "gift")? That way, it is not "dead rent"...and you can Will it to your children at the appropriate time...you can also kick her out if she becomes something of a pig in it (renters don't often take good care of property)...or moves her boyfriends into it setting a bad example for your children.

Last edited by Forever; 28th February 2013 at 11:57 PM.
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Old 1st March 2013, 12:32 AM   #6
chosen
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Re: i dont want u back. give me money to build.

I think that is a bad idea. If she ended the marrage then I am afraid that she has to live with the consequenses. I cant believe that she us asking you actually. Kids arent bothered if the house is rented, they really arent.
I would also advise that you get good legal/finacial advise about all this. The chances are that she will get another guy sooner or later.
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Old 1st March 2013, 02:46 AM   #7
1aokgal
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Re: i dont want u back. give me money to build.

Forever...

You hit the nail on the head again! The lady is manipulative and pulling strings. She may feel he will be a fool easily led along her lines. Maybe she gets her name on a house deed as co-owner and then has immediate equity of more than he intended to give. The best option is he buys a small house in his name and allow her to rent with firm written lease of some rent and an understanding so no non-relative lives with her (as a new BF.) This is a thought but frankly, he owes her nothing. Unless his childrn are living in a slum they should be fine with equal time spent with each parent and firm visitation schedule set by a court.

Sad, how one can beat another over the head with remaining feeling when they have no intent to reciprocate any effort to a relationship. She is done, just getting what she can maneuver him to do for her. Advise...don't go there. Let her make it on her own only child support needed here and maybe temp help until she is suitably employed.
NOTE..no marriage existed so she is NOT an EX-wife but the EX-friend, with benefits, and children as a result of that. He owes her zero, except the help he chooses to give her.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 1st March 2013 at 02:52 AM.
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Old 1st March 2013, 08:48 PM   #8
Forever
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Re: i dont want u back. give me money to build.

I agree...further more, what will he have left to offer a lady who is worthy of his love in the future if he has already tied up so much of his finances with one who is not? We do not have a crystal ball, but my bet is that by and by he will find another woman and wish he had never invested so heavily in property that he will no longer have control over should he not keep it in his name alone.
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Old 2nd March 2013, 01:05 AM   #9
1aokgal
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Re: i dont want u back. give me money to build.

Forever...

Commendable that he considers to invest there but it is wrong thinking for his future. Women can be devious and we know that they are not the weaker sex when it comes to gaining an advantage. She made the decisions and should be able to navigate the future. I think he should help her and children move when the time comes but it is over. They are not a couple anymore.

The hope is he keeps a good ongoing relationship with his children and no drama with the mother of his children.
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