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Old 21st March 2016, 05:21 AM   #1
majohn9105
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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Exclamation Can I get advise on how to fix my military marriage?

Frankly, Im not really sure where to start. Ive never tried seeking advice online, much less in a forum, so, here goes....My husband and I have been married going to 7 years now. I have know him since I was 17 and got married when I was 18. He is 3 years older and is enlisted in the US Navy for almost 9 years. So, needless to say we have been separated several times and some of those were 10 and 11 month deployments. Our marriage has always had its ups and downs, first being I have serious trust issues with him (things hes said and done in the past) but it is my personality type that even though I may be hella angry, I wouldn't leave him. Secondly he is seriously stubborn. When a problem arises he likes to ignore it and think it will go away, whereas I like to confront it, hash it out, come to a mutual agreement, and move on. When I do this all he does is stonewall me and look utterly bored while doing it. Third would be his drinking. over the last few years (mainly year and a half) his drinking has gotten out of control. He can easily go through 3/4th of a 5th of liquor a night...more if he is with friends. He says mean and hurtful things all the time when he is drunk, and frankly when he looks at me with that glassy eyed - there but not really there- look I just want to explode. Moving on to the nuts and bolts. In August of last year he was scheduled to leave for another deployment. We talked about it in great length that it would either make or break us (because of the drinking) and he gave me every bit of confidence that we would be fine..he wanted to get it done and over and we would start a family. So he leaves. The day after he leaves I have major surgery on my knee because of infection of the bone (long story). My mother arrives to take care of me because I cant drive and will not be able to for about 4 months. About a month and a half go by and because of family obligations back home she and I must leave. (kinda hard to take care of myself when I cant drive to get food, right?) My leaving infuriates him. His words "wtf did I buy a house for if no one is going to be in it?" After I leave I start to hear from him less and less. He gives me the "im busy" excuse but I know his schedule and I know hes not. During this time women start to come to my attention and right after Thanksgiving he tells me hes in love with someone else and he wants a divorce. So my hackles go up. I know exactly who it is and I confront her. Of course she lies (I know its a lie because my husband is calling his friends and bragging about his 19yo girlfriend, they in turn tell me that my assumptions are correct) so after a while of trying to handle this like a suedo adult I get pissed and go to her husband and tell him. Gradually we start talking more and actually become friends. Now February rolls around and I return (husband is returning in two weeks) and we still arent talking. even after I told him a million times that I am lonely and need him his only retort is that I had my family. Anyhow, Im back in the house and I get a call from my husbands gf's husband asking to hang out that he needed someone to talk to. Well....one thing led to another and I cheated. In my husbands and my house. Now its the day my husband returns and I feel like crap for what I did and he explodes. While I definitely understand his anger, what I dont get is why he doesn't understand why I did it. It was because I was lonely. I felt physically and emotionally neglected, and yeah Im not gonna lie. A little bit of payback. Now all of a sudden he is denying everything he has said (to myself and others) pushing the divorce point and being verbally cruel . I know that anger is normal, and I am willing to accept that it is 100% because of what I did. So about a week of this goes on. I apologize profusely but ask him to try and understand why I did it and that I will work to correct the mistakes that I have made and in time to forgive me. Eventually he tells me he is willing to try and I could see that he was (sorta). Now it has been a month, he shows me affection by asking for hugs, kisses, sleeping in the same bed, and sex. Now this last weekend I catch him texting this girl again and I get livid. To me, it was him saying he was in love with this girl that made a bad situation even worse and on top of that he lied to me and denied he was conversing with her. So I confront him, and he tells me they are only friends and I am acting bipolar (not a good thing to say to any woman) which is hard to believe because of his actions in the past. Oh and did I mention him saying he was in love with her? That is when things got ugly and he spouts off with he loves me but is not in love with me, he doesnt respect me because of what I did to him, that I am smothering him, the sex is only sex, he is attracted to me but yet again doesn't love me, and that he hasn't been able to find a reason to save the marriage. Wow...my fingers hurt now lol...So there it is in a nutshell. I know I have left some pieces out but I would be sitting here for hours doing that. A part of me wants to rationalize some of it with he was drunk and pissy and shooting off at the mouth to get under my skin, but I really dont know for certain. I guess what I am looking for is some help and advise to try and repair all the damage that has happened, and while I know I cant fix him I want to fix myself and do the best to fix the mistakes I have made. While I know the easiest option is divorce, I dont want that, I am determined come hell or high water to make this marriage last.
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Old 21st March 2016, 09:44 PM   #2
Raymond
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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Re: Can I get advise on how to fix my military marriage?

The main thing that kills marriages is unfaithfulness. The way he talks would not give you much confidence that he would remain faithful (physically). That you also did it doesn't help things. Maybe there were mitigating circumstances but I don't have to tell you that was wrong. Not only for your marriage but the other person's marriage. All this playing around doesn't help anything.

I would say that if he wants to save his marriage he will have to watch his words. Things like I love you but am not in love with you doesn't help a marriage. Either there is a commitment or there isn't. Commitment is vastly underplayed in our present culture but I think it is a precious commodity which should be far highly prized in marriage circles. Commitment to love and to stay faithful will add a lot of security to a marriage. Without that I fear you are in for a storm depending on the feelings of the day not to mention the drink. Remembering the marriage vows will be a fruitful exercise I feel.
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