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Old 22nd February 2010, 10:38 PM   #1
snapdragon
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My wife's girl-friends

At the time when we got married, my wife had a single girl-friend called Jane. As a single man looking in, it seemed like any other relationship that a woman would have with another woman. However shortly after we were married, I began to see that this relationship was, in my view, unhealthy as my wife would spend significant time with Jane during the week visiting/ phoning/ writing letters. When I challenged my wife about this, she felt this was all quite innocent and normal. When Jane moved away or met a young man (I can’t remember which), my wife developed a new, and to my mind, equally intense relationship with Charlie, and then later still to another woman called Sue. Sue came to live with us not long after my wife formed a friendship with her, partly as a means to help us out with the mortgage as things at that time were very tight financially and we related well together. However, my wife seemed to have a fixation with Sue: she would leap out of bed to greet Sue when she returned home late at the end of the day or at the weekends she would visit Sue in her bedroom early in the morning.

Whenever I expressed concern about this and the earlier relationships, my wife was totally dismissive of any impropriety. However, one day, my wife touched Sue in an inappropriate way (I subsequently learned), and Sue was greatly distressed. Sue was receiving counselling at that time for some apparently unrelated issue and she mentioned this incident to her counsellor. She advised Sue to write to our Church pastor’s wife about this, which she did. The pastor’s wife interviewed my wife & I together, and she challenged my wife that she had wanted a physical relationship with Sue, and after some time denying it, she eventually admitted to this. I was shocked, but not overly surprised.

Sue left our house soon after, but my wife soon had a new single girl-friend called Celia with whom she had a close relationship until we left that city. This relationship was intense much like the others, although this had no physical aspect. When I expressed my misgivings about this relationship, my wife would say that she had learnt from the earlier experience with Sue, and there was nothing to worry about.

All that was some years ago, and although there have been periods when my wife has not had what I would term an “emotional affair”, a new relationship sprang up a year ago with my wife investing significant time with her latest “friend”. Last month alone, she spent 800 phone texts plus phone calls, numerous e-mails and some evenings Facebook-ing her.

In case you may think I may be exaggerating the issue, I should add that my wife’s latest friend’s husband is also very unhappy with the relationship his wife is having with mine, to such an extent that he cannot even acknowledge my wife when they happen to meet.

On occasion, I have intercepted some e-mails from my wife to this latest friend, and they read much like a boyfriend might send to a girlfriend – although without any sexual content.

Any challenge from me about the intensity of the relationship meets a frosty response that I don’t trust her, and that she is looking for affirmation from me, but she still fails to see that these relationships are harming our relationship and to my mind are way over the top…..

I have no problem with my wife having her own circle of friends, but the exclusion of developing a relationship as a couple is a great source of pain/ frustration/ unhappiness. Friends at church are bemused that my wife is so aloof with me, and one couple, recognizing our differences, say we are like Nitro & Glycerine - good in their own right, but an explosive mixture were we to co-operate together.

I find it incredibly sad that my wife desires (with the best possible spin) meaningful relationships with women, and yet seems so distant and dismissive of a “one flesh” relationship with me.

Any ideas or suggestions PLEASE?
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Old 23rd February 2010, 10:44 AM   #2
Raymond
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Re: My wife's girl-friends

There is obviously something wrong in the way that your wife relates to other women Snapdragon. My wife relates to other women as well but it is not like your wife relates to women. It's as if she has to have a current flame on the go to stay satisfied instead of being satisfied with you. It seems very subtle but she is obviously attracted to the opposite sex, which seems to take away from her marital relationship with you.

There is a real problem there, but nothing is going to change until she sees it and goes for help. At the moment she feels it is okay because it is not sexual but the basic lesbian drive is still there in an inappropriate way, if she could admit it.

She does need counseling from the christian experts in this field. I know that Dr Dobson in a programme called "Love Won Out" does some good work in that field. Many homosexual and lesbian women have found freedom in hetrosexual relationships through the work. Counseling can be affective if you can get hold of the christian experts. A couple up the road to me counseled a man who wanted a sex change and they were able to affect deliverance and cause him to relate to his wife in a healthy way. That is extreme I know, but it indicates that there is help out there when one seeks.

However as I said nothing is going to happen until she sees it as a problem, so all I can say at the moment is pray that she sees it. Ask the Lord to give His revelation on the way she relates and to see what it is doing to her marriage.

Raymond
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Old 23rd February 2010, 04:30 PM   #3
clockwork orange
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Re: My wife's girl-friends

Spot on Raymond.
I too have struggled with emotionally dependant relationships with female friends. I was 40 before I realised how serious the problem was, when it nearly destroyed my marriage. Fortunately I was put in touch with a couple who practice Theophostic Prayer (or prayer counselling), and through them God revealed and healed the issues I had with my parents. Not to say the temptation isn't still there, but I have learned to trust God to pick friends for me, and to trust my H's judgement also.

Funnily enough, I suspect it was H's prayers that started the breakthrough, and his refusal to quit that helped carry me through the trauma.
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Old 24th February 2010, 09:54 AM   #4
Raymond
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Re: My wife's girl-friends

That's a great testimony Clockwork. A big lie circulating today is that one is born like that and that's it, which isn't the case. Believing that can prevent one seeking healing and wholeness.

Thank you for speaking up.

Raymond
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Old 24th February 2010, 12:03 PM   #5
clockwork orange
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Re: My wife's girl-friends

There is no evidence of nature over nurture. he problem is, it is usually related to issues that occurred very young, often the person has no memory of them. The broken sexuality then becomes a very deep seated thing, and often it is just so painful to revisit that time that people just can't do it. The SSA also becomes a part of the identity, the person can't let go of that without losing themselves, almost.

Look at http://www.truefreedomtrust.co.uk for more on this. Also support for strugglers and their families and friends.
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Old 24th February 2010, 01:48 PM   #6
Raymond
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Re: My wife's girl-friends

You obviously know a lot about this Clockwork. The couple I mentioned also do Theosophy as it happens. His wife was only talking to me last week about a homosexual being damaged in childhood. She explained that subconsciously a male baby usually comes to the conclusion at a certain point that they are not like mommy, they are like daddy. In the normal healthy way their sexual identity will gradually identify with the father. However, if the father is not a nice person or too weak or something they never make that transition from the mother to the father in their sexual identity. I know that simplifies it but she obviously knew a lot about it as they minister together regularly. I don't know how it happens to a female though.

I am sure your info on this will be helpful for those who want it.

We all have our temptations Clockwork, including me, but we don't have to enter into them (lead us not into?) with His strength.

Raymond
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Old 24th February 2010, 02:37 PM   #7
clockwork orange
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Re: My wife's girl-friends

Its usually a combination of things Raymond. Each of our circumstances are unique, just as each of us is unique. So different people respond differently to the same circumstances. For women, you might just as often find the response is toward extreme promiscuity as toward SSA. In my case it was both, at different times, like a pendulum. Only the grace of God has kept me walking this planet.

Snapdragon (love that name!) your wife is still at the point of rationalisation in terms of her girlfriends. Until she realises that those relationships are too extreme and lacking in healthy boundaries there is not much to be done. Pray for her, pray for revelation by the Spirit, pray for change of mind. And pray for yourself, for wisdom, patience and gentleness. The prayers of the saints are one of the most powerful things on the planet!! Have a look at the website I posted earlier, there is a lot of support to be found there.
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Old 24th February 2010, 11:21 PM   #8
snapdragon
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Re: My wife's girl-friends

Many thanks for all your helpful comments. I think that one of the difficulties that we face is that my wife and I are very different in our basic outlook on life. If you are familiar with the Myers-Briggs Type Indicators, then my wife is an INFP and I am an ESTJ (exact opposite). This major difference manifests itself in the way we deal with “issues”, such as my wife’s girl-friends. She will avoid conflict and retreat into herself, rationalising away the issue, whilst I will want to expose, debate and try to agree a plan of action.

Needless to say, I don’t get very far!

You are correct in that I can do little in the situation unless and until my wife sees the “error of her ways” and seeks to address the issue herself. I pray daily for her and for the Lord to reveal His truth to her. However, I am sick at heart for, to my mind, this girl-friends issue has gnawed away at our marriage since day one, and our relationship has become tarnished as a result. What I often feel is that I am there to provide for her needs, and she will give me of her time and energy when she feels like it. God comes first in her life, then her girl-friends and finally me and the family.

Both my wife and I have significant Christian ministries in the city where we now live, and I ache to be able to be involved together, for I know that we would be such a powerful force for the gospel together. However, the reality is that we do great things for the Lord (I believe) in our separate spheres of influence, mainly due to my wife preferring to work particularly with her girl-friend.

To my wife, “one-flesh” in marriage is almost a swear word. She often describes herself as a free spirit, but her so-called freedom leads me to despair.

I have often wondered whether my wife’s childhood has had any bearing on the way she seems to prefer female company, but by all accounts it seemed pretty ordinary, although my mother-in-law is quite a force to reckon with!

Sorry if I am rambling. I suppose the bottom line is to continue to pray as you suggest. My disappointment however is that the years go by, and nothing seems to change.
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Old 25th February 2010, 09:13 PM   #9
Raymond
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Re: My wife's girl-friends

Snapdragon I shouldn't worry about being a different type to your wife. That is not the issue. Differences can be honed to joint strengths in the long run. Avoiding conflict and retreating into oneself are weaknesses but they shouldn't be a label as being a set type end of story.

The hopeful thing is that you say she puts God first. If that is true God will be able to speak to her through your prayers.

That she recoils so much over being one flesh does show an unhealthy aversion to what marriage is supposed to be. This is where the problem lies. I think her doctrine certainly needs sorting out as well. I would also get to know more and more what marriage is according to the scripture that you may be armed when the opportunity arises. Deep down I think she knows she is wrong but is sweeping it under the carpet so don't give up praying. God will certainly be on her case. It is hard for you but there will be some treasure for you on the road you have to walk I am sure.

Raymond

Last edited by Raymond; 25th February 2010 at 09:31 PM.
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Old 25th February 2010, 11:49 PM   #10
clockwork orange
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Re: My wife's girl-friends

I agree with Raymond about the personality types. H and I are also opposites on Myers-Briggs. Makes communication a challenge at times, but it is possible to learn new ways of communicating and also understanding how each other's mental processes work.

I also agree on learning what marriage should be. It has been a painful journey for me, but one that has been worth taking. I think it had to come to a point where I realised that the alternatives to God's way were actually too horrible to contemplate.

And yes, my H has been enormously blessed, in his new job and where we now live - God has granted him his dreams.
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