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Old 21st December 2011, 04:00 PM   #1
bandit0000
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Do I have any hope?

Hi,
I am new to these boards and come along with my own heartbreak. My Husband just informed me 5 days ago that he no longer loves me enough to stay with me after just 15mnths of marriage. We have had our tough times with arguments and getting to know one another better, but in my mind nothing to warrant this, I am completely devastated and in bits. He just says he is fed up with arguments and me getting at him and my insecurities and does not want to try any longer. He says this has been coming a while and decides to tell me a week before Christmas. Our main problem has been lack of communication and mis-understandings in my mind and we each had an internet flirtation early on into the relationship which has lead to insecurities on both sides. I feel the issues we have could be helped by counselling and have asked if he would go see someone with me, just to understand things better and help us move forward in a better way, whether that be together or each going our seperate ways, but he is refusing and just says he has lost 99% of his love for me. He has no place to go, this is my house and I have always said that if anything did ever happen I would not kick him out, I would allow him to sort somewhere to live first, so he is now holding me to that. Part of me finds comfort in him being here, but part of me finds it unbearable having him here but him not wanting me. I don't know if I just let the situation be for a little while, he may come around and agree to see a counsellor, so don't want to shoot myself in the foot. I am confident after having a very detailed discussion with him that he has not met someone else, which obviously was my first thought. Asking him what his bigger plan is after he leaves me he says he just wants to find a place to stay, lay his head, go to work and hide. Just as a bit of background we have been together 3 1/2 years and I am his 3rd marriage. He has told me in the past that he is just capable of cutting someone out of his life when he chooses and I feel like that is what he is doing to me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, do you think I have any hope? Thank you x
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Old 21st December 2011, 04:33 PM   #2
bandit0000
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Re: Do I have any hope?

In addition, I noticed a big change in my Husband when his Mum died 2 years ago, he said part of him died with her. He has had a very hard life, where it seems most people left him, I actually believe he feels that in time everyone leaves........
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Old 21st December 2011, 07:15 PM   #3
bandit0000
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Please can anyone offer any words of advice? Thank you x
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Old 21st December 2011, 07:44 PM   #4
Helen_uk
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Re: Do I have any hope?

It sounds like your H is very single minded when he comes to what HE wants . He's been married 3 times , has it been he who has left each time ?

The first couple of years of marriage is supposedly the time you get to know each other properly, and sometimes it's at this time that arguments crop up as you each get used to the other's ways. It should also be the honeymoon period though where the making up afterwards strengthens the bonds you have.

So what can you do ? In reality not a great deal sadly . If he's really determined it's over and has refused counselling, he's closed off the best avenue to take.

Although you promised that you'd let him stay if it all went wrong, don't feel you have to abide by that . If he's decided the marriage is over then he should be out there finding somewhere to live .

It takes 2 to make an argument so next time one starts, take the higher ground and refuse to be drawn into it , don't yell back and try to stay calm.

Unless you've been arguing night and day , is there a particular reason why he can't handle rows ? Some people have bad memories of arguing that dates way back to childhood , everyone has disagreements but the trick is not to let them develop into slanging matches.

You say he feels like everyone always leaves him , is that why he's going ? Because he thinks otherwise you will leave him first ? It does sound like some personal or grief counselling would help him, sadly men especially can find it very difficult to open up to what is really going on under the surface.
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Old 21st December 2011, 09:24 PM   #5
bandit0000
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Hi Helen, thank you for your reply, yes each time he left, but he led me to believe it was due to their bad behaviour and messing around, now I wonder if thats true.
Now I am beating myself up as he came home this evening and said if I hadn't kept on at him last week asking about his feelings for me, he would have just bit his lip and carried on, now it seems even that is my fault
Have said all the things to him about still getting to know each other, nothing seems to make a difference, just wonder if I back off a bit and leave him to it he may reconsider?
We by no means argue night and day and have quite a lot of fun in between, but just recently I have just felt that he doesn't feel enough for me, hence me pushing him for reassurance.
He has brought up a lot of things that he seems to have held a grudge against me for, quite small things. I think he is a sensitive soul who has mis-understood me quite a lot. Often when I think I have been supportive, he feels I've been getting on at him, so I believe it is all in the communication.
I just wish I could get him to change his mind, I married for life, not a year!
Has been a particularly bad day for me today, in bed, crying. Am trying to be strong but I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach.
He said hes angry at me. All I can think about is how much I love him.....
Thank you, Lisa
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Old 21st December 2011, 09:40 PM   #6
Helen_uk
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Re: Do I have any hope?

It might work Lisa , always worth a try . It's sad to give up on a marriage after so short a time . perhaps once he's had a chance to calm down and stop being angry he'll be more approachable ?
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Old 21st December 2011, 09:48 PM   #7
bandit0000
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Helen_uk View Post
It might work Lisa , always worth a try . It's sad to give up on a marriage after so short a time . perhaps once he's had a chance to calm down and stop being angry he'll be more approachable ?
Well I won't hold my breath, but its worth a go, crying and being sorry for myself doesn't seem to be working. Was thinking of adopting that sticky thing at the top of this forum, you know just going on as normal and not accepting it and giving him space. But that is easier said than done I'm afraid.
Thank you for your input, it is much appreciated x
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Old 21st December 2011, 09:51 PM   #8
bandit0000
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Any male points of view greatly appreciated
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Old 21st December 2011, 09:56 PM   #9
Sillyman
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Lisa,

Try something that's totally against all your instincts. Agree with it, tell him it's fine - you'll carry on with your life without him. Let's face it, moping and crying isn't attractive and won't get him to change his mind - but you showing him he ain't all that, your life will carry on without him, perhaps even better, may set him thinking.

At the moment he feels like he's caged with a wife who won't let him go - but once he has that freedom he might stop and think about what he's losing.

There's no guarantees - but if what you're doing isn't working, don't keep doing the same thing.

Look after yourself - because whatever happens with him, it'll be good for YOU. Get out there and keep busy, show him he won't beat you.

SM
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Old 21st December 2011, 10:06 PM   #10
bandit0000
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sillyman View Post
Lisa,

Try something that's totally against all your instincts. Agree with it, tell him it's fine - you'll carry on with your life without him. Let's face it, moping and crying isn't attractive and won't get him to change his mind - but you showing him he ain't all that, your life will carry on without him, perhaps even better, may set him thinking.

At the moment he feels like he's caged with a wife who won't let him go - but once he has that freedom he might stop and think about what he's losing.

There's no guarantees - but if what you're doing isn't working, don't keep doing the same thing.

Look after yourself - because whatever happens with him, it'll be good for YOU. Get out there and keep busy, show him he won't beat you.

SM
Thank you so much for those wise words, I will give it my best shot. I had arranged a night out tomorrow with my best friend and was going to cancel, but I'm going to dress myself up and force myself to go. Like you say no guarantees, but here's hoping. Thank you very much x
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Old 21st December 2011, 10:27 PM   #11
Sillyman
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Lisa,

And if he doesn't know where you're going - don't tell him. Let him stew on it.

Get yourself dressed up, looking your best. If he asks where you're off to - just tell him out, and don't say what time you'll be back.

Take control of your life and don't let his decisions control you.

SM
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Old 21st December 2011, 11:29 PM   #12
bandit0000
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Re: Do I have any hope?

SM, thank you for your sound advice. He already knows I'm going out but have told him I will stay at my Mums where my tram stops (normally he picks me up from the tram as he was never keen on me staying out).
He seemed quite put out and said no need I will fetch you, but I said no thats fine I will stay there. Good move?
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Old 21st December 2011, 11:31 PM   #13
bandit0000
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Having said that, he is sitting with me less, spending more time in other rooms, but that might be because everytime he sits with me I keep asking him to give us another go, so I'm going to stop that.
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Old 21st December 2011, 11:38 PM   #14
Sillyman
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Lisa,

Yes - as I said, he feels caged - sounds like he's prowling round like a polar bear in a zoo looking for a way out.

I know some people aren't sure if this works - but Google the 180 Divorce Busters. Look at it and see what relates to your situation.

He's got all the power right now - you're just affirming his actions by begging and pleading.

As I said - it's against your instincts to accept his decision. Act like you accept and see how he is then.

SM
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Old 21st December 2011, 11:45 PM   #15
Forever
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Okay sweetheart...here comes advice from an old lady being you already got it from a male perspective...
#1...listen to what Sillyman says
#2...stop talking about the relationship
#3...dont grovel and especially dont ask questions
#4...do not live your life around his
#5...buy the book "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson (you can download it onto a Kindle from Amazon...devour it...and do it quickly....what you do now while he is still there with you is critical and you need that book to help you know the ground rules.

Kindest Regards
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