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Old 2nd May 2014, 12:44 PM   #1
upset
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Join Date: May 2014
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help and advice please

My husband And I have been together 7 years nearly and married for nearly 3 of them. I have 3 children (13, 15 and 17 from previous long relationship) i have a 4 year old daughter with him. He has his problems of which I didn't have a major problem with as I wanted to help him and at first it seemed that I was. He is paranoid. Not just a little bit, a lot.

Everyone is out to get him. It is constantly on his mind. He thinks I am going off and sleeping with anyone. He treats an indiscretion I had while with an ex (when the relationship had broken down irretrievably) as proof that I will do it. He will argue black is white. But in his mind white is definitely what it is. He thinks everyone is talking about him. My children and I can't talk without him wanting to know exactly what was said if he was in a different room. If a man talks to me he sees so many things behind what is said.

Why am i with him? When he's good he's very, very good but when he's bad he's wicked - comes to mind. He is very charming. Makes you feel womanly, beautiful and loved.

When we got together he asked me if I wanted some cocaine, I said an absolute no and told him I couldn't be with someone who takes drugs. I told him he'd have to stop them if he wanted to be with me as I really couldn't have it.

A couple of months ago some things happened and made me realise that he was taking them again. I asked him and he said yes but he needed help to stop. He said his paramotoring hobby he was starting was to help him get off them. His lies while taking them again, the sneakiness of it all has made me view things differently. And I can't help reevaluating our relationship.

We have just come back from a holiday abroad. While there he told me when drunk that little lies are ok. That I must lie to him because I say I'm busy all week when I've only been busy on a Monday. I replied that a Monday I spend all day tidying everyone's mess from weekend. It only LOOKS like I have done more because the rest of the week I do things that people don't notice. He wouldn't have it. He said little lies are ok they are white lies. He said he will go to pub after work and not say anything or lie to me about it and that's fine. Now if I was to go into a pub in the day and lied about it I would be in major trouble. I'd be in major trouble if I did tell him! He said he'd never go with anyone else though. <- I'm starting not to believe a single word he says!

Two nights after that on holiday we went out to get a bottle of wine to have in the room, he was already drunk and then asked if he could go and get some coke!! I said go on then but if you do that's it end of relationship bye bye. He didn't go. Went straight to bed then pretended everything was ok next morning.

I just don't know what to do. I married him believing it was forever. I wonder if he is tiring of me and is just becoming more of himself if you know what I mean. All holiday he moaned at my 3 kids. What they were wearing. The eldest ones hair. How lazy they are. Etc. I just wanted them to have a good time. First time abroad.

I just can't see a way out. Has anyone any advice? I have no friends because he has made it hard for me to. When I mentioned this woman had asked me to come round for coffee. He got his mad face on (that, more fool me, I try to get him out of) and said we have each other we don't need anyone else.

I sound weak and pathetic. I am. I just want a nice quiet easy life. I'm 41 he is nearly 50. Help, please. x
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Old 2nd May 2014, 06:48 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: help and advice please

Goodness me, he has so many issues. I do wonder why you married him with all you have said, drug taking, extreme controlling behavior, paranoia, lying, etc etc. I dont think your life with him will be good one for you or the kids. Having said that you did recently promise to be with him for better and for worse and you did know most of this when you married him, because you had lived with him for some time before that.

I think you both need some good long term marriage counselling.
However if he is taking illegal hard drugs, that is reason enough to get the children away from him in my view. and you must not let him keep you away from family or friends, thats what very controlling insecure people try and do. You need to set boundaries and stand up to him. What is his back ground with relationships etc?
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Old 2nd May 2014, 07:28 PM   #3
Raymond
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Re: help and advice please

I don't think you are so weak and pathetic upt. I like your boundaries regarding the drugs. If he takes them that's it, over.

He seems to have a good side as you point out and that is obviously why you have lasted so long.

The paranoia is a difficult one and there is some underlying trouble there. Maybe because of past drug use. There is an unreality there.

I agree with Chosen about marriage counselling. Having someone else might be able to pinpoint for him his unacceptable behaviour.

All in all there seem a lot of character deficiencies but that doesn't kill a marriage if one is trying to overcome them. I think you need to stand up to him though. You are in danger of being isolated if you go along with his ideas. You musn't be controlled. You can love him without agreeing to be isolated or controlled otherwise you would be enabling it.
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Old 2nd May 2014, 11:37 PM   #4
upset
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Re: help and advice please

Thank you chosen and Raymond for your replies. It means a lot to be heard as I really have no one to talk to. I will reply to chosen a remarks first and if I don't get to you Raymond tonight, I apologise, I will tomorrow. As with a paranoid partner I have to be careful not to set it off. He is in bed now.

Chosen, I complete see your questioning on why I would marry someone like that. Maybe part of it is to do with the struggle of break up with ex (father of my eldest three). I in part felt guilty because I felt responsible for splitting up the family because I felt that staying with him was worse than not. I found it hard to end it but felt I must. He was happy to be together when not really being a couple. He treated my struggle with social phobia (Didn't find out what it was until I was coming out of it, through pushing myself) terribly. Also he made me feel horrible about myself by lifting the covers of the bed when he thought I was asleep one morning and pulling a face at my naked body and mouthing yuck. So I had issues myself when I got with my husband and he made me feel like a woman and sexy.

Yes, he is incredibly controlling. Maybe there is a part of me that wants to be controlled. Or there was, but it seems my acceptance of it is all for nothing because now I know that he lies and takes drugs secretly, which to Mr is totally disrespecting me and my feelings. I feel that all I have given of myself I have had thrown in my face. I believe in unconditional love. With him there is so many conditions. He has little tests that if they aren't performed to how he wants then you don't really love him. So many issues you wouldn't believe.

When I stand up to him he is utterly thrown and is on the attack. I don't want to argue. When I have to with him he makes sure he never loses. I have no hope of winning any argument. He knows what he is like. I have recently after the drugs incident when I found out, told him his paranoia is a big problem but again he said he needs help with it and has slipped it under the rugby gain.

His previous relationships were a long one, his first serious I think with whom he had a son (who is now 21). She left him for another man who she had been seeing during their relationship when they were still seemingly having a good relationship. He uses this as his back up for accusing me of infidelity also.

He went from girl to girl. The one he was with before me called the police saying that he was trying to rape her. Although when talking to me he thinks rape is terrible etc. I think possibly on drugs he really wouldn't care about yes or nos.

He really does sound horrible when I write this, but at times he is lovely and I think he really does think he's doing the right thing.

Tonight I have never been so embarrassed. He swore loudly and terribly at a lady who had come to see to his disabled brother (who lives with us) alarm care system for interrupting his call on the phone. Horrible it was. I thought that poor woman must want to cry, because I would if I was her.

You wonder why I married him? He wasn't as bad.
He has worsened. He is going to get worse. I didn't know he was going to get worse. I have never married before and it was the happiest day of my life but I didn't realise life would get like this down the line. I'm sinking. I can't die because of my children. So I keep taking a breath.
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Old 2nd May 2014, 11:48 PM   #5
upset
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Re: help and advice please

Raymond, thank you for your reply.

I think marriage counselling is a good idea also. He would not agree to it. He would believe that the person mediating was against him or I was sleeping with them or both. He cannot take criticism. When I first got with him he pretended. He is a very clever man. He wrangles and twists and turns things till they are how he wants them.

I think because I know about his drug taking I have changed from the woman he adores into a problem he has to work around. He is tiring of me now, like he did the last one. I am sure this is so. If I challenge him more and stand up for myself he will tire more of me so maybe that way would be easier.

And yes Raymond, you are perfectly correct my behaviour has enabled him. I completely agree. I just seem to have woken from this nightmare without being able to get out of it. He has changed. Worsened. Angrier. He doesn't stop himself anymore.

Thank you both for taking good the time to read my long post. I appreciate it more than can be expressed. I feel so alone at times. Many thanks.x
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Old 2nd May 2014, 11:50 PM   #6
upset
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Re: help and advice please

Sorry, I was typing some of it quite fast in an effort to get it all out that there are a lot of typos. Apologies.
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Old 3rd May 2014, 08:22 AM   #7
chosen
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Re: help and advice please

Would he agree to counselling if he knew that you were desperate and that otherwise the marriage will end?
Its hard to see how this will change unless he admits that he needs help and gets it. Trouble is that very controlling people are master manipulators and will make sure that anyone else can never win. I have dealt with some people like that in the last 10 years or so and its hard.
It seems you have gone from one horrible relationship to another.
Maybe it will help if you get counselling yourself, so that you can learn to set certain conditions and stick to them, such as you seeing your friends and family. Its not easy to stand up to such control, my husband said in his first marriage it was like banging your head against a brick wall. My MIL was similar. I stood up to her after she tried to break up our marriage, the first person ever to stand up to her, and boy did I know it.I was accused of all sorts of things and she used ever tactic to make her out to be right and me wrong.
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Old 3rd May 2014, 08:39 AM   #8
Raymond
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Re: help and advice please

I think you have a weakness in wanting to be controlled which you now recognise. Control is an awful thing. It is not being free in the relationship that marriage should be. You can only be free when you recognise it. Habits have built up and he now takes the situation for granted but you need to fight back. I don't mean rebelling or fighting against him. I mean recognising his control and not submitting to it. That would only enable more of it. Maybe you are a bit of a people pleaser and lack the confidence to be your own woman? Real love comes out of being free not that you ought to or have to. I think you need building up as a person.

You need to pick your battles and not try and do everything at once. Continue to stand against the drugs. This could be a factor for ending the marriage in the long run if he's not careful. It lets something else in. Strange things sometimes and he needs to stop to protect himself, you and the children.
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Old 3rd May 2014, 12:33 PM   #9
upset
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Re: help and advice please

Thank you both for listening and giving me good advice. x
I keep rereading what you have written and it really helps Knowing I'm heard.
how would I get counselling? Would I see a doctor?
Yes, I agree it's like banging your head against a wall.
My father died after the split with ex and husband became my rock and I seemed to set myself the task of pleasing him and let myself be owned I suppose. I can see an argument brewing now. I shall endeavour to be strong.
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Old 3rd May 2014, 07:09 PM   #10
Raymond
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Re: help and advice please

I don't think an argument will help. Learning to keep boundaries and respect for yourself will. You don't have to manipulate him to your way of thinking. Just learn to sift what is helpful and what is not. This doesn't stop you from loving him or being helpful it just means quietly resisting the control as and when. Pick what you want to deal with and stick at it.

With the paranoia for instance. When he starts accusing you and you are innocent. Don't argue. Maybe explain that his accusations make you feel distant from him and you cannot change your reaction or feel close to him until he deals with it. This means you are taking control of your boundaries and not letting him walk all over you. This will take time. You can't change him but you can change your reactions and take control of them. This will have more effect on him than arguing. If it gets so bad you can explain without arguing that you need to get away for a few days while he is like that. You do it not to manipulate him but to protect yourself and your boundaries. It will certainly make him think, but your primary concern is to look after your property you. Nobody else can do that for you. Not even husbands.

I don't think doctors will help you in this unless it's a life coach. Marriage counselling would but he is not open to that.

If you are having to do something and resent it that is a sign that something is wrong. Love is always a willing and free thing. Not a thing we have to do under compulsion. If you get that red light ask yourself why you are feeling that and you will usually find that your motives are wrong or you are being controlled.
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