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Old 2nd August 2011, 11:27 AM   #1
John1969
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Paranoid or Perceptive?

Little bit of background story first before I get to the point.

I'm in my early forties and have been with my wife Julie since we were both in our twenties we have two grown up children 19 and 21. I think we've had a good time we've both worked hard to get the things we wanted. We own a hairdressers and Julie runs that an I'm a company director in a construction business. We have no money worries, everything goes into one account, bills and transfers to savings accounts made from it.
About two years ago I'd called into the house to pick something up one morning. There was post on the mat which I'd opened more as a novelty than anything else, I'm normally gone before the post arrives and Julie opens it all. One of the bills was Julies mobile at a glance i recognised loads of texts to a number which belongs to a bloke we both know from a special interest club were involved with( around 150 that month alone). Julie used to hang round with this bloke when they were teens and I think they even went out together for a while. Rightly or wrongly I checked her phone and found no texts to correspond with the ones on the bill but others around the same date still on. Once aware i checked back on the bills online and found texts late at night when I was out of town and even texts on my birthday when I know we were in London. We had been together all day and I remember her nipping back down for a ciggie before bed. This for me had all the classic ingredients of the facebook old school boyfriend type thing and I didn't like it at all.
I confronted her and she was adamant that nothing was going on, even telling the kids that I was accusing her of having an affair etc.. I also pulled the bloke involved and that nearly came to blows.
At the time my Dad(also one of my best friends) was dying of cancer, I'd just moved company which was adding pressure and I became a little depressed. I went to the Doc's discussed things with him and he gave me something in the short term which helped tremendously. I love my wife, so I'd put the text message jealousy thing as a symptom of me being depressed rather than a cause. Learned to live with being a little paranoid and got on with life.. Two years on everything seemed great, were even managing to slope of for weekends away together.

Julie had been going on about wanting a new phone and had picked the one she wanted. I thought it would be a nice surprise to organise it for her as her existing contract was just about out. I couldn't ask her how many minutes she was using to sort a contract or for her bill because that would have spoilt the surprise. I checked on line to find out how many minutes of voice calls she was using and there in her unbilled charges was two texts both with delivery confirmation charges on them to the same blokes number again, from a day or so earlier. So again rightly or wrongly I checked her phone to find no text messages there either to or from this bloke.
Again I went mad, again she says its jokes. Says they were deleted because she thought I was checking her phone the full time(not the case but kinda wish I had now).
Now I'm at the point where I don't know what to do, the one person who i'd normally talk to is involved.
I think in my heart of hearts I knew that something had happened between them earlier and that i had put that to one side even blaming myself for it a a little, pressures of work grieving for my Dad etc.
Now am I paranoid for going loopy again or was it some kind of bizzare perception which pushed me to check phone.
I feel I'm being lied to and the fact that the texts have started again just links the last time to this time, but I'm in a normal mental state at the moment and I don't want to go forward on a lie.

Am I being Paranoid??
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Old 2nd August 2011, 12:29 PM   #2
sammie38
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Re: Paranoid or Perceptive?

Hi John
I'm sorry to say that I don't think you're being paranoid. Why would your wife delete the texts from this man and not others which were sent/recieved around the same time? I'm not sure whether you've read my post on here but my husband was having an affair a few months ago. Thankfully I found out before anything much happened as he can't lie to save his life and as far as I'm aware he stopped it.
I think you need to confront her again outright. She may feel that you were checking up on her by checking her account but to be honest, if she had nothing to hide, why would she mind. My husband can check my phone any time he wants and has access to my Facebook account and my emails if he wants them and my phone is always lying around - I have nothing to hide. It's up to you how you handle this, but maybe you need to give your wife an ultimatum. Be calm and don't get angry with her, maybe say to her that she needs to decide whether she wants you or this other man but she can't have both.
I still check my husband's phone and his emails from time to time, I'm not sure whether he knows or not but I don't care, it gives me peace of mind and maybe, in time, I'll learn to trust him again.
You need to establish what's happened, but prepare yourself for an answer you don't like - it isn't nice :-( and then you need to decide what to do. Are you prepared to give her another chance and to work things out?
I'm not sure I've been of any help, but give me a shout if you have any questions.
Hope things work out.
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Old 2nd August 2011, 02:50 PM   #3
chosen
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Re: Paranoid or Perceptive?

No I dont think that you are being paranoid either. Spouses are often quite perceptive about when something isnt right and why does she need to hide these texts if they are innocent?
The trouble is that even if something is going on, she will probably still deny it, because thats what people do, so it can be hard to find out the truth.
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Old 2nd August 2011, 03:24 PM   #4
John1969
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Re: Paranoid or Perceptive?

I intend to confront her and deliver the 'ultimatum' either tell all and we move on forward together, or not and we move on apart. I'm not grieving now I'm my normal practical self and I don't think its reasonable behaviour. The kids are old enough now to make up their own minds and I'm not being pulled into total paranoia again...
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Old 2nd August 2011, 03:36 PM   #5
sammie38
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Re: Paranoid or Perceptive?

Good luck, let us know how you get on. It's not easy, but you need to know.
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Old 2nd August 2011, 06:27 PM   #6
Richie267
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Re: Paranoid or Perceptive?

Hi John. I'm not really qualified to give advice but reading your post was almost like reading my own problems. I have been on my own for a month now and the "tell all" was partly what got me here. Rather than tell you what to do, I am going to put it in a different perspective and why I behaved like I did....or at least my realisation.

If I cut out all the BS then what is my real issue. Bottom line " I don't trust her."
Do I have any basis for that. "No".
What is the issue... "She has rung, text and contacted another man".
So what. Is she not allowed to have male friends. " I just dont like it"
If she told me who I could or couldnt contact? " Id tell her to grow up"
If she confronted me about texting, phoning or contacting another woman, how would I react.
"Defensively yet truthfully"
If she kept pressing me aout it. "Even more defensive and probably with some anger."
Is she doing anything I wouldnt do that I have concrete evidence of? "No"
If I found her checking my phone in secret, how would I feel? "Mistrusted and hurt"
And how would you react? "Badly"
By checking her phone who is definiately doing something sneaky. "I am"
So should she trust me? " May be not....."
If she gave me an ultimatum what would I do? "Tell the truth."
If she didnt believe me because she had a preconcieved idea of the truth? "Be really hacked off and made sure she knew it."
Has she behaved any differently that how I would? "Not really"
What am I REALLY afraid of? " Being made a fool of."
So if you are wrong what have you become " A fool"

If you are going to call her out and her truth does not line up with yours, can you accept that you just may be wrong. If you cant then then is no point in asking.

Just for the record, if somebody had said what I just have to me 6 months ago, I would have said "You're an idiot."
But right now, I wish I had listened to it as all my evidence is circumstantial and all I did was tell the person I loved more than anyone and wanted to spend my whole life with, that I didn't trust them.
If you dont believe her and she is telling the truth.......well right now John, I am very very lonely man.
Like I said its not advice....more an alternative view.
You could be creating a lose - lose situation. Could you simply accept you may be wrong?
I know I did. Could you simply accept you may be wrong?

Last edited by Richie267; 2nd August 2011 at 07:11 PM.
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Old 5th August 2011, 10:08 AM   #7
John1969
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Re: Paranoid or Perceptive?

Richie,
Thanks for your reply, thought provoking to say the least.
I think that my wife has had an intimate friendship with another man if it was sexual or not is a side issue and not my main concern. My wife is now I think lying to me to protect both herself and this man. I'd kinda already accepted the fling and managed after a period of time to put it to one side(a difficult time consuming process), as I've said before I do love her. Thinking it was a done bun made it easy to deal with, but finding these texts now out of the blue is colossal for me.
I honestly wish I hadn't looked and had remained happily ignorant...
I do trust my wife in the day to day sense, but a secret relationship with anyone else just doesn't work with marriage in my opinion.
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Old 5th August 2011, 11:13 AM   #8
sammie38
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Re: Paranoid or Perceptive?

Hi John

Would you really rather not know??!! Sometimes I think that when I check my husband's phone/email, but I tried 'staying ignorant' and it just made me wonder things more.

As you say, it's a time consuming process and although I'm hoping I'll forgive him eventually, I don't think I'll ever forget and maybe never fully trust him again, not for many years I think
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Old 5th August 2011, 01:09 PM   #9
chosen
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Re: Paranoid or Perceptive?

Surely its better to know the truth than to be kept in the dark? If I were you, I would far rather know the truth. Also you are right in that this sort of deception and secrecy has no place in marriage, where everything needs to be above board and clear boundaries are needed with the opposite sex.
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Old 5th August 2011, 02:17 PM   #10
Forever
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Re: Paranoid or Perceptive?

Hi John,

When a wife is secretely texting an old flame, and then deleting all the evidence when you are gone or late at night... something is brewing at the very least. If all were innocent and above board, you would have been included in the relationship and she would have no reason to hide anything or be defensive. Even if you were included, but you were still feeling uncomfortable about the relationship, she should have happily given it the "deep six" for your sake.

You can talk yourself into or out of anything conclusive regarding this behavior by using pure logic or human reasoning or predictions, but it does not change the fact that that she has given you plenty of reason to mistrust her...in spades.

If you want to call the mistrust that she has created "paranoia", then what you are really doing is trying to minimize the impact that this is having on your heart. The kind of privacy allowable in a marriage which is acceptable does not include having an emotional affair with another person and then trying to hide it. Emotional affairs are just as dangerous as physical ones because she is giving another man something that is supposed to belong exclusively to you....her heart.

This, in my opinion, has nothing to do with you being made a "fool" of if that is your biggest fear. How can you consider yourself a "fool" when someone else decides to compromise the integrity of a marriage?...I would say the real "fool" is your wife...for jeopardizing the relationship for her own selfish thrill. Also, a fool would be someone who has evidence of foul play but who does nothing to confront it head on, but instead decides to hide their head in the sand...which is not something you are doing.

People lie and conceal because they do not want to be caught doing what they KNOW they ought not to be doing. Then they try to spin it around by what ever means possible ("how dare you spy on me and not trust me!!") when they are caught.

Even if you and she were not married, but were serious about a future together, you would have the right to know if she were flirting with an old flame behind your back. Your decision to marry would be based on being committed exclusively to each other,and not toying with other possibilities...this is all the more serious because you are married.


Richie,
In all fairness to John, the difference here is that John has found a ton of incriminating evidence whereas you have not. Between the two of you, I would say that you were more inclined to be a bit "paranoid" compared to what he is facing. Your wife is on FB, but you have found nothing there to suggest that she is having a "thing" with another man. He has. Your wife wanted a seperation and got what she wanted...yet even so, there is still no evidence yet that this request was spurred on by her having any sort of tryst with someone other than her single girl friends. For you, all that remains to be seen...but I absolutely do understand why you would feel like you do...she is seperated for goodness sake, and THAT indicates something is very wrong there.

Last edited by Forever; 5th August 2011 at 03:15 PM.
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Old 5th August 2011, 02:53 PM   #11
John1969
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Re: Paranoid or Perceptive?

I inevitably know where this is going to go, where it has to go...

but at the moment I feel like a rabbit caught in the headlights...
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Old 5th August 2011, 03:09 PM   #12
Forever
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Re: Paranoid or Perceptive?

Dont just freeze there, leap to the higher ground.
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Old 9th August 2011, 05:38 PM   #13
koliver0821
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Re: Paranoid or Perceptive?

This can go to both Johnny and Richie.

Where there is smoke there is fire. This can be related to the text messages but it could also be your issue of trust.

Have you been mislead before in your currently relationship/Past relationships? It will play a part in how you behave and/or perceive this situation.

In my experience, my wife was doing the same exact thing. At first, I took the higher ground and trusted her. Then, I caught them chatting on facebook. To her credit, she did chat with him while I was home. Said it was no big deal. Just a friend. "So not my type" etc. I finally had enough and said something about it. Guess what? The facebook chatting ended. Or so I thought. She would chat with him, but not when i was home. She was texting him or chatting with him while she was at work (at night). The good news, it did finally stop. She was caught in his truck with this guy kissing by some friends of the dudes wife. I only found out about it 6 months after it happened though.

The moral of the story, I was never a jealous person, but her actions made me that way. I felt something was going on. My checking up on her was telling to me. It made me realize somethign was wrong in my relationship. Real communication ended. What I should have told her is that I didnt feel as connected as we normally do. That her communication with this guy, no matter how harmless it was in her eyes, is bothering me because she should be doing those things (communicating) to me.

People will lie not just because they dont want to get caught. But because they dont want to start a fight. That was me. My wife was insanely jealous in the beginning of my marriage. However, i would tell little white lies to avoid dealing with her jealousy. That only made the problem worse. Instead, I continued to enable her jealous ways without understanding why she was jealous in the first place. She didnt trust me. She didnt know how much I loved her.

What im getting at is that your mistrust in her is you trying to figure out how much she loves you. She isnt giving you something that you want and quite frankly, the same is true for her. Your not giving her somethign she is looking for and may be looking for that something else in someone else. Its time for a sit down conversation where you lay your cards on the table. I wouldnt' call her a cheater. Just tell her the reason it really bothers you. they are your feelings and you alone own them. I think you will find your self revealing more about yourselves by doing this.
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Old 10th August 2011, 01:34 PM   #14
John1969
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Re: Paranoid or Perceptive?

I've ended up as a cautionary tale....
I decided to take action and seeing as Julie had deleted the texts I thought I'd look on his phone. I went to the pub where we drink had a nice pint waited for him to go out the back. Followed him, gave him two or three sharp ones picked him up took his phone out of his pocket then plonked him in a cubicle. Went back to my pint with his phone and flicked through the messages. The messages between him and Julie in the last couple of weeks all revolve round Julie trying to buy some parts for me for an old boneville I'm restoring...
I didn't really apologise to him although I did feel rotten about it. Julie went mental initially but after a day said she could see my side and admitted she should of told me when she was picked up about the texts as that would of diffused the issue there.
So here I am someone who's not typically violent towards anyone and not normally jealous...
I'm waiting to see if he's going to press charges for GBH(but I doubt it), my solicitor says that even if he does. I'll only get community service or something .
But as sammie and chosen had previously said I had to find out the truth...
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