Was short love affair a shake up or something more?

[sammie38]

Hi dopeep
I've just read your post and what happened to you is almost identical to what happened to me. I'm about three months further down the line than you, have a read of my thread and see what you think.

All I can say is that if your wife wants to move forward with you then she needs to allow you access to everything she has, i.e. Facebook, mobile, emails etc. My husband has allowed me full access to everything he has now but I'm afraid I still check things behind his back, although I'm pretty sure he knows I'm doing it. Because his work emails are on a server you can't fully delete items and they remain in a 'Recover deleted items' folder. I don't think he knows that this exists and so I check there too! I know it's wrong, but it gives me peace of mind and if there is nothing going on anymore then if shouldn't matter anyway. He has full access to anything he wants of mine. He knows my passwords to Facebook and my emails and I don't have a password on my phone and it's always left lying around for him to look at if he wants to - I have nothing to hide.
In my opinion you need to ask your wife whether she wants to be with you or not. There is no point in living a lie and if she's not happy then she needs to make that decision and leave. If things do work out and she wants to be with you then she needs to realise that it will take a long, long time for you to trust again.

My husband thinks that because he made the decision to stay with me, then I should just forget it and move on. It's not that easy and I'm not sure how long it will be before I fully trust him again - if ever. However, I love him and I want to be with him and that's what you need to decide too.

I hope everything goes well.

[chosen]

sammie you are so right. Trust takes a long time to build up again, and the offending spouse needs to do all they can to rebuild that trust. This idea that it can all be immediatly forgotton is so wrong, and I have a lot of admiration for those who can even stay with a spouse who has betrayed them, let alone trust them again. I am not sure I could ever trust again after this, but even if I could, I know that it would take me years and years.
Its as if the marriage covenant has been smashed, like a vase that has been dropped on the ground, and it has to be painstakinly put back together again, piece by little piece.

[Helen_uk]

Sammie,

I find it unbelievable and always have that the one who's done the cheating , or been deceptive thinks you should just put things behind you and move on. I had similar in my last relationship.

Trust, once broken is a very fragile thing . It can take years to rebuild, not days ! It's good however that your H is open to you looking at e-mails, texts etc . I think openness in all things is the only way to get a marriage back on track after something like this.

[Raymond]

If the cheating spouse is not fully repentant of their actions it is almost impossible for the trust to be rebuilt. Even time will not rebuild it if they have never got to the place of being truly sorry for it and of asking forgivess. Even with that there it will still take a long time. Just because a spouse is still living with you doesn't mean the trust miraculously revives unless the correct steps are gone through. If we need to keep checking on someone do we really trust them or do we still have those nagging doubts deep down that something might happen? Trust is a very precious thing and gives us the emotional freedom to thrive within the love of a marriage.

[Helen_uk]

I would say Raymond that to get to that place of trust after infidelity we need a period of adjustment. The need to check up is a very strong one , when you've been devastated by this kind of thing. It also very much depends on how much remorse the cheater shows. If for instance they leave their phone around, not on silent and leave email accounts signed in etc then the need to check lessens quite quickly. They are showing you they have nothing to hide.

[Raymond]

I think you are right Helen. To me living an open life is a sign of repentance and a wanting to change. You are almost saying look come and check on me. When one no longer needs to check maybe the trust has been restored.

I agree with Helen although that agreement is probably based on what I think I would need. Suspicion would almost certainly remain as a permanent fixture but the need to act on it wuld diminish.People will always make mistakes and of course they will come in various degrees. If we chose to forgive that mistake then the very least we can expect is appreciation of that forgiveness and show that the error was regretted and learned from. Just be sure the error that is regretted was them getting caught.

[sammie38]

I too agree with Helen, if phones are left lying around and email accounts signed in then trust will return more easily.

May I ask Raymond, whether you have actually been on the receiving end of a cheating partner? I don't wish to disrespect your valued opinions and advice but giving such advice if you haven't been through the heartache of such a situation is very different to a theoretical situation

What is needed is complete transparency. More communication between you two and time.

Yes, you will need to put it behind you however there is a difference between forgiving and forgetting. I have forgiven my wife but she knows full well that I will not forget. She doesnt expect me to.

Its been over a year since my wife had her affair. I was checking emails, facebook, phones for a little while. But you will reach a point that you wont do it. It may come and go as it has for me. But at the same time, you will want to do it for you. I got over that checking every day phase and slowly stopped doing it. That's not to say I dont backslide from time to time. Its those times that I do i realize I must say something to her. Its me putting up my guard from being hurt again and I know that I need to tell her something is bothering me. The thing is, in order for our marriages to work, there has to be compromise and understanding. She get's it and so dont I. Its not like I didnt play a big part in her affair. She wasn't getting somethign from me that she got from this other person. I too have to accept my role in her affair.