is snooping wrong?

Is it wrong that I continue to snoop at my husbands emails and FB, or is it not snooping if he says 'you can look whenever you want'

I feel like i'm being sneaky as i dont want to actually admit to having a quick peep....even though he has given me PW for all accounts etc...

I never see anything inappropriate and hope he has learned to keep work emails purely work related, unlike in the past where i read things that upset me. The things i read made me feel my husband was like another man when he was away from me. Quite upsetting really.

So why do i keep on looking? Is it to reassure myself, or to try to catch him out? Is it healthy, or understandable under the circumstances?

Hope x

[chosen]

Its totally understandable in my opinion, and from experience I can say that the more that you grow to trust him the less you will need to do it. Trust takes so long to build up again, years and years, and you have got his permission. In a years time, assuming that he keeps faithful, you will find that you are doing it far less.

[Raymond]

I think you ought to leave it in view of what you said before. It has become an obsession perhaps and has been affecting your marriage. Don't go backwards.

Hi

I kind of agree with Chosen, I feel i will get better over time and that if i just stop i'll be worrying and getting paranoid.

It does reassure me to some extent, although i know things can be deleted easy enough, but it gives me hope to see the changes in how my husband conducts himself via email, nothing personal or even remotely inappropriate since i found out about his cheat.

Its a tricky one, as it does help me, but on the other hand i feel bad that i feel the need, and obviously don't trust 100%, but will i ever?

I wouldn't say i'm obsessed, but i think i was a few months ago....I don't pick up the phone every time he leaves it down, or pick up his laptop.....but i do maybe once or twice a week.

Thanks hope

Hi Hope,

From my perspective I'd love my w to snoop in my emails and other things.

One because I no longer have anything to hide, and also because it would show she cares.

Obviously I'd want her to stop needing to eventually. But that's be as much down to my behaviour as hers.

SM

[chosen]

Hope its only 6 months since you found out. That is nothing. I got to know a lady on another forum some time ago who found out that her husband had cheated 17 years before on one occasion. It took her over 3 years to feel that she was finally beginning to relax, and even then she still had wobbly times.
You have already noticed that you are doing it far less, and that will carry on geting less and less.
My Father cheated on my mum for many years, and my first husband deeply betrayed me and the children. When I met my lovely second husband, it took me ages to feel that I could trust him, even though he had done nothing wrong. Gradually as time passed, the trust built up more and more, and now after nearly 7 years of marriage I KNOW that he would never betray me like the other 2 men in my life. THese things take time. Be kind to yourself.

Hi all

SM I think my husband feels similar to you, now it's time to be transparent, as much as he can be.

I obviously don't have unlimited time to snoop on his laptop as its with him at work and he's here when it's here. My hackles went up yesterday evening though as he does a club with my son in evening and before he even came home I wondered if he'd bring laptop home from work knowing he'd be out for a few hours. He didn't, it's not so much that I wanted to snoop as I was busy doing other things myself, but I wonder was it deliberately left in work,. He very rarely leaves it in work overnight!

Chosen, I have hang ups about my parents cheating also, both of them cheated on one another when I was very young and split before I was ten years old. They seriously regret their past now and fortunately are very good friends these days. But some of the reasons I was so devastated my husband cheated were that he knew how delicate I was in the area of life.....I did on occasion say to him that he would be a fool to fall into the trap of a fling, affair or cheat as I would never tolerate it and the OW would be likely to let me know when things weren't going her way. I told him that there are so many women out there who want what they can't have until they have it and then they can cause havoc with your family and life. But at that time it must have been too big a temptation for him to remember my words of caution.

I love the song 'skinny love' by birdie so sums up how i feel?

Chosen, is your story posted on here?

Thanks for your advice and input
Hope

[sammie38]

Hi Hope

I think you've read my post on here, at least the more recent part of it. I am exactly the same as you. I have been obsessed with checking my husband's blackberry, laptop, Facebook, LinkedIn accounts etc to the point where I think it's making me ill. He knows I check everything and he says he doesn't mind but I think he must do really! After a lengthy discussion last weekend I have now made the conscious decision that I'm not going to check anymore and I'm not going to question what he's doing and who he's emailing all of the time. This has been a hard week for me as he has been away so normally I would check when he got home but so far I haven't! I don't really know what I'm looking for anyway, am I looking for evidence that he's done something wrong or am I just curious as to what he's been up to? Hopefully the trust will come back and I won't even think about checking anymore - I never used to! I need to begin to look forward to the times we have together and not look back on the past. It's a matter of willpower to stop yourself looking Hope, it's an addiction you and I both need to break and like any addiction, it's not going to be easy but hopefully we're strong enough to do it. Good luck and be strong.

[chosen]

As far as I understand, Hope is doing this much less than she was. If that is so then I am not sure it is an addiction. If it was an addiction it would be the same or worse. All I can say is that for me it got better and better as I trusted more and more.

Hope no my story as such isnt here, but I have said quite a lot over time in reply to others about all the gory details!!!