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Old 14th July 2015, 01:29 PM   #1
luca3434
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Desperate times

About 18 months ago, my wife and I went through a tough patch. It pretty much ended. However we worked at it, and I made some really big changes to help the marriage work, and to a degree it did... In the last 4 weeks however things have gone sour. My wife says I don't support her, and we are not connected emotionally. She wants to see a councillor and we are going tonight. The thing is, she will not tell me if it is with a view to constructively separate or repair our relationship. She says she doesn't know. All this uncertainty is very painful for me. There is no one else involved and nothing abusive.
Please help in anyway possible.
Thanks
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Old 14th July 2015, 01:37 PM   #2
notDoneYet
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Re: Desperate times

Sorry you are here Luca. Have you tried any kind of solution based approaches? I tried divorce busting. It didn't work for me but there aren't any guarantees in these kinds of situations.

If you do decide to try something like this I'd recommend you keep it to yourself and not share with your wife.

Are there children involved? What ages are you and your W and how long have you been together?
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Old 14th July 2015, 01:42 PM   #3
ronnoco
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Re: Desperate times

Hello,

The not knowing where you stand and worrying what could happen is a tough one to deal with. I always hated that feeling of limbo. I describe is as feeling like a lamb to the slaughter.

However, I think you are defiantly doing the right thing seeking counselling. Be completely honest, open and upfront. Get those feelings out. Communication is the key and lots of us don't do it enough.

We all need help and guidance sometimes and doing the counselling is the best move for you and it's good that your wife wants to proceed with this.

Good luck.
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Old 14th July 2015, 01:46 PM   #4
luca3434
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Re: Desperate times

Quote:
Originally Posted by notDoneYet View Post
Sorry you are here Luca. Have you tried any kind of solution based approaches? I tried divorce busting. It didn't work for me but there aren't any guarantees in these kinds of situations.

If you do decide to try something like this I'd recommend you keep it to yourself and not share with your wife.

Are there children involved? What ages are you and your W and how long have you been together?

Hi there. We have been together 17 years and have two kids. We are both early 40s. The marriage has not been easy - our son is autistic, and I suffered some abuse at school as a kid. However we have held it together, but I fear we are both getting tired of trying. I am bracing myself for my wife telling me this evening at the councillors that we must start proceedings to separate.
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Old 14th July 2015, 01:47 PM   #5
luca3434
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Re: Desperate times

Quote:
Originally Posted by ronnoco View Post
Hello,

The not knowing where you stand and worrying what could happen is a tough one to deal with. I always hated that feeling of limbo. I describe is as feeling like a lamb to the slaughter.

However, I think you are defiantly doing the right thing seeking counselling. Be completely honest, open and upfront. Get those feelings out. Communication is the key and lots of us don't do it enough.

We all need help and guidance sometimes and doing the counselling is the best move for you and it's good that your wife wants to proceed with this.

Good luck.
Thank you - your advice is really appreciated.
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Old 14th July 2015, 02:01 PM   #6
notDoneYet
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Re: Desperate times

Quote:
Originally Posted by luca3434 View Post
Hi there. We have been together 17 years and have two kids. We are both early 40s. The marriage has not been easy - our son is autistic, and I suffered some abuse at school as a kid. However we have held it together, but I fear we are both getting tired of trying. I am bracing myself for my wife telling me this evening at the councillors that we must start proceedings to separate.
Your story is very similar to many people. I'd suggest go to the counseling but couple of things to think about.

Cool off on the R talks (at home, not at counseling). If your W wants to talk then let her. Just listen and don't argue.
Get a PMA (positive mental attitude)
Read up on the 5 love languages.
GAL (get a life)as much as your family life will allow.
Be strong. This is the hardest thing you will ever do.
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Old 14th July 2015, 03:34 PM   #7
Lindentree1
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Re: Desperate times

Hi Luca,

I'm not sure what advice to give before you've seen your counselor, since we don't know the intentions of your wife. But please let us know what happened after you've seen the counselor. I hope you can save your marriage. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I did find it interesting that you wrote you are also tired of trying. It's a very honest comment. Counseling might be helpful to get a clear view about what is going on with both of you, and to find out if both of you are committed to saving the marriage.

Last edited by Lindentree1; 14th July 2015 at 04:58 PM.
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Old 14th July 2015, 04:21 PM   #8
ralfgarnett
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Re: Desperate times

Luca I too am sorry that you find yourself in here on the ship of lost souls, I agree with NDY let your W do a lot of the talking and don't be too ready to jump in, listen to what she is saying and mould your conversation around hers, be curious without being to probing, show her you care and have empathy, personally I think it's a big positive that she has agreed to go to counselling mine didn't and it still bugs me to this day, good luck we are all behind you.
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Old 14th July 2015, 10:20 PM   #9
luca3434
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Re: Desperate times

She set up counciling to move forward with separation. I am devestated.
Gotto start looking for my own place. Got 2 kids. Keeping a healthy mind is paramount at this point.
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Old 14th July 2015, 11:09 PM   #10
notDoneYet
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Re: Desperate times

Ok mate. First things first. Calm down.

So she just pressed the nuclear button on your R. Bad news but it's not done yet:-)

Start with all the things I said. And do not move out of the house. Seriously learn from my mistakes. You don't want to leave the M so why leave the house? Give her space and do what I said on the list. Get a copy of divorce remedy. Read it and keep it to yourself. Please, do what I say.
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Old 14th July 2015, 11:12 PM   #11
Lindentree1
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Re: Desperate times

I second NDY, Luca. Don't move. I regret leaving my home to this day. Don't do it.
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Old 15th July 2015, 09:08 AM   #12
ralfgarnett
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Re: Desperate times

Luca please listen to what they are saying, their advice is forged from the stark reality of their experiences, they know what they are saying please heed their advice.
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Old 15th July 2015, 11:31 AM   #13
chosen
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Re: Desperate times

What are her reasons to end the marriage? Seems pretty mean to me to tell you she wants a separation at counselling, why on earth couldnt she tell you face to face herself?

BTW I echo what they have said, if she want out then she can leave the house. Dont move.
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Old 15th July 2015, 02:47 PM   #14
ralfgarnett
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Re: Desperate times

"why on earth couldnt she tell you face to face herself"

I can answer this very easily, it's because just like the majority of them mine included they are spineless, gutless, selfish, self centred cowards who can't face up to their own problems so they panic and run away, nothing more nothing less !, the only thing with this is that the problems are in their heads and they can run as fast and as far away as they like but they still have their problems within.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 15th July 2015 at 03:30 PM.
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Old 19th July 2015, 12:19 PM   #15
ralfgarnett
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Re: Desperate times

Luca not heard from you for a few days how are things going and developments or news on your side ?.
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