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Old 9th July 2014, 08:41 AM   #1
UkGuy
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I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

Hi All!

I don't know where to begin as it's so complex but here a brief bit of background info before I ask my main question.

My wife of 7 years broke up with me just over a year ago. We have two children together aged 11 and 8 and were together for a total of 11 years.

My wife (ex - still married though) basically spilt up with me as I was controlling. I never really changed my ways when we were together as we would always be ok after a argument but obviously due to the split I now see what an idiot I was and regret being that way. I've changed my ways for sure and hate the person I was.

Anyway since the spilt I have a new home and my children to stay over etc. My ex likes to flirt with me quite a bit, play fighting etc ringing me (not children related) and asking if "is that your girlfriend" if my phone goes off In her presents. It still feels like she's quite reliant on my to do or ask me to help her out for certain things and as I still love her - rightly or wrongly I do most things for her. I also feel that she does to want anyone else to have me.

Getting down to it I'm struggling with life and I miss being with her. My feeling are still there and it's hard with her being in my life so much without "being with her". So after we went to her parent for Sunday lunch last week I ask her when we got back "what do you want"?? Her reply was: She happy being single right now and doesn't believe me I've changed. I told her I find it hard being in the situation where we spend time now and again round each other's houses and the have the family days out. I said it's easier for me if we just spoke about the kids and that's it. She was taken back and looked a little upset and said she will always be in my life no matter what. What ever the context that was meant in.
She also said she would go out with me for a drink or a day out just us two but only as a friend. At the end of the convo I said I need to think about and give her a answer on carrying on like this or cutting her out of my life and only speaking about the kids.

I really want to be with her and would do anything for another chance but I find it hard being like this and struggle to sleep at night but fearing I could lose her forever is the worst!

What do I do as I'm so confused! Do I carry on as we are doing the family stuff and being there for her or do I cut her off and she if she comes around?? Or something else?

Shes never really not had me there for her. I know I've probably done everything wrong but I'm so confused of how to act... She also couldn't say that we wouldn't ever get back together when I asked her.

Sorry my message doesn't make sense but it's hard to put everything that's happened in a short message.

Last edited by UkGuy; 9th July 2014 at 08:50 AM.
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Old 9th July 2014, 09:30 AM   #2
Raymond
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

My take on it is that you are still married but have a marriage problem. It seems that she found the control hard but is still somehow connected to you. She is not convinced that you have changed.

Control is a difficult one. Our spouses will have different opinions on things and we cannot force or manipulate them to think as we do. We must respect who they are. It is a unity of different personalities to make the one. Both have to compromise in some way for the good of the marriage. That does you good actually.

My thought is that it is not over until it is over. There are signs that it is not over yet. I would look for a way to make it work again. If you have changed she will in time see it. I personally wouldn't recommend cutting her off at this stage. If you find she is going with someone else that would be different but if there is nobody else, working on things coupled with time could produce fruit in the long term. Maybe there should be a time limit so that you don't waste your life but I wouldn't give up just yet.
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Old 9th July 2014, 10:51 AM   #3
UkGuy
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

Thanks for your reply Raymond.

Yes we are still married and no talks of divorce but we are not together and been separated for just over a year. I am single and so is my wife (ex)

Yes I see what you mean I have changed for the good I just wished I realised before it cost us our relationship but a lesson well learnt for sure!

What do you mean by over until it's over? Divorce and she's met someone else kinda thing?

I'm not sure how she can see I've changed without being together again and proving it. I can't see how I prove it otherwise hence the doubt she has or maybe she has seen I have changed and is scared to believe that. When we spoke that Sunday she was like "what if we did get back together" and how would you be like, how would the house set up work (as I bought a place last year) etc.

I would wait for her but again for how long do I give myself? Do you think I should take her offer of going for a day out to a theme park with her as just friends? Maybe she will start to see me as the guy she first met by spending time of out own?

I thought by maybe cutting her off would maybe trigger her feels and think I might lose him for good. That is a massive risk though and I really don't want to lose her for good. We still spend Christmas and the kids birthdays together and I would really miss that.

Sorry for the rambling on...
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Old 9th July 2014, 11:47 AM   #4
Raymond
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Originally Posted by UkGuy View Post
Thanks for your reply Raymond.

Yes we are still married and no talks of divorce but we are not together and been separated for just over a year. I am single and so is my wife (ex)

Yes I see what you mean I have changed for the good I just wished I realised before it cost us our relationship but a lesson well learnt for sure!

You will be the better for it as a person.

What do you mean by over until it's over? Divorce and she's met someone else kinda thing?

No I just meant that it is not quite over yet. You are still relating to a certain extent and anything can happen from that.

I'm not sure how she can see I've changed without being together again and proving it. I can't see how I prove it otherwise hence the doubt she has or maybe she has seen I have changed and is scared to believe that. When we spoke that Sunday she was like "what if we did get back together" and how would you be like, how would the house set up work (as I bought a place last year) etc.

You don't need to be together again for her to see it. She will be highly perceptive to it from the little ways you do relate. You may be right in that she is scared to believe you have changed. Time will prove that and it will take time for the trust to be built up regarding that.

I would wait for her but again for how long do I give myself? Do you think I should take her offer of going for a day out to a theme park with her as just friends? Maybe she will start to see me as the guy she first met by spending time of out own?

Yes definitely go to the theme park.

With regard to how long you wait only you can decide that. I was thinking two years if you can take that. This thing might take time. It is a long time but by the end of it you will know for sure. Also I think something is happening in you as well. You are beginning to see some things regarding the respect for people's boundaries and not forcing things.

I thought by maybe cutting her off would maybe trigger her feels and think I might lose him for good. That is a massive risk though and I really don't want to lose her for good. We still spend Christmas and the kids birthdays together and I would really miss that.

Could send her the other way as well. I wouldn't chance it. Try not to grovel though as well. Live the other life that you have well.

Sorry for the rambling on...
..............................................
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Old 9th July 2014, 12:43 PM   #5
UkGuy
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

Thanks for the replys Raymond. This has given me a new perspective on things!

I will try and hold on then. I am meant to give her an answer to either continuing as we are or telling her we are just to speak about the kids and nothing else, to what she told me "wouldn't last", so I' will talk to her soon about my decision. Not sure what to say exactly but I'll work it out.

It's weird that someone who ended the relationship still rings me pretty much every day and that's why I find it hard to lose my feelings for her as she still a big part of my life.

Why does she still ask for help from me wether it would be maths help for her study at university, car maintenance/faults, cooking help (I used to cook when we lived together) and other things. Does she generally struggling without me in those aspects or does she just see me as a easy ride because she knows I would still do anything for her? Should I still help her or back off on that one?

It's also weird but when she thinks I'm with another woman (I'm not at present) she always rings up for a chat. I remember about 11 months after we spilt she rang me phone multiple times over and over when I was in the shower, when I finally rang her back she was angry and accused me of having a women at my house and said "if your seeing someone we need to get a divorce" to that as I was angry I laughed and said do that you like. Not that I want one but I can't believe she's like this when she doesn't want me yet it seems she doesn't want anyone else to have me either. I think if I did meet someone she would go crazy.
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Old 9th July 2014, 05:34 PM   #6
chosen
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

Hmm I think that is a rather a cruel situation she has you in, in which she is hanging onto you on her terms, using you, and not prepared to allow you to move on. I will give the opposite advise. Be a good dad, speak to her when you have to about the children and nothing else, be friendly and polite yet firm, but otherwise let her see what it means to be apart and single. Yes she does seem to see you as an easy ride.
She has the best of both worlds in a sense now. She doesnt need to be a proper wife, she doesnt need to be committed to you in anyway, but she has you at her back and call to do whatever it is she wants.

There are consequences to leaving your spouse, and as yet she has felt none of them. If she isnt prepared to get back together and have counselling, then she needs to know that you are free to move on and make a life for yourself without her.
At the moment you are in limbo, and after all it has been a year already.

If you still see each other and speak daily and go out together all the time, you will never be able to cut those emotional ties, heal and move on.

Hopefully this more firm approach will make her see what it will be like alone, and she may decide she wants to come back.

Last edited by chosen; 9th July 2014 at 06:02 PM.
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Old 9th July 2014, 06:12 PM   #7
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

Hi Chosen. Thanks for the reply and valid reasons.

Yes, my other option and like you said I do feel like I'm being treated as an easy ride but sometimes I feel like she generally wants to speak to me or be in my company but I can't tell which one she thinks I am.
We don't go out all the time as such and it is with the kids. I'm so confused why she would go to a theme park, dinner or a drink with me (first time since the spilt) just "as friends". What's the point of that for her? I guess it's because I said, it's best if we just talk only about the kids and then she said that to keep me interested or whatever.

I'm so confused now because yourself and Raymond have said both of my options and at the different end of the spectrum. I really don't know how she feels either as she couldn't give me an answer apart from she doesn't know. She clearly doesn't know what she wants and it's not helping me at all.

I am worried if I say that's it for us and only talk about the kids it might backfire. After all she said it wouldn't last. It's my daughters birthday soon so does that mean I shouldn't be present with my ex and see her separately?

Do I tell her this other option and say if you want to get back / try again to contact me when or if you're ready, or do I just tell her that's it and were done even though she couldn't tell me that she we would never get back together when I asked?

Lastly. When I said if you're not interested then I need to move on her reply was "have you got someone else lined up" she thinks it's all about another woman not the pain I live with daily

Last edited by UkGuy; 9th July 2014 at 06:20 PM.
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Old 9th July 2014, 06:47 PM   #8
chosen
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Hi Chosen. Thanks for the reply and valid reasons.

Yes, my other option and like you said I do feel like I'm being treated as an easy ride but sometimes I feel like she generally wants to speak to me or be in my company but I can't tell which one she thinks I am.
We don't go out all the time as such and it is with the kids. I'm so confused why she would go to a theme park, dinner or a drink with me (first time since the spilt) just "as friends". What's the point of that for her? I guess it's because I said, it's best if we just talk only about the kids and then she said that to keep me interested or whatever.

I'm so confused now because yourself and Raymond have said both of my options and at the different end of the spectrum. I really don't know how she feels either as she couldn't give me an answer apart from she doesn't know. She clearly doesn't know what she wants and it's not helping me at all.

I am worried if I say that's it for us and only talk about the kids it might backfire. After all she said it wouldn't last. It's my daughters birthday soon so does that mean I shouldn't be present with my ex and see her separately?

Do I tell her this other option and say if you want to get back / try again to contact me when or if you're ready, or do I just tell her that's it and were done even though she couldn't tell me that she we would never get back together when I asked?

Lastly. When I said if you're not interested then I need to move on her reply was "have you got someone else lined up" she thinks it's all about another woman not the pain I live with daily
I think she wants you as a helpful friend and not a husband. The trouble is that she has left you, and yet hasnt felt what it is to be single. She has been cushioned by you. Why does she need to come back if you do everything she needs and wants?
She may need to realise that yes, if she doesnt come back, you may well find another lady at some point in the future. That's what happens if you leave your spouse .
Have you suggested some marriage counselling with her? Simply being apart isnt going to change anything really. It needs for you both to be working on restoring the marriage and I don't see how that is happening at the moment.

I cant see the harm in being at your own child's birthday party of course, but you dont need the daily phone calls/texts, and you don't need to go running every time she calls. How is she going to ever miss you when she sees you all the time? See her briefly to collect and pick up the children, and anything special like birthdays, but otherwise keep it polite but cool is my advise.

How about suggesting to her that you go to marriage counselling together for 6 months and after that you want a decision one way or another, and during that time allow to her feel a bit more what it would be like to be a single mum, and do things for yourself in that time. Take up a hobby or join a group of some sort. See your friends and family. Let her see that you are not siting at homer waiting for her calls and texts. I am concerned that she will keep you on a string forever if you let her, or until she meets another guy.
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Old 9th July 2014, 08:12 PM   #9
UkGuy
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

Yes that's very true! She is having her cake and eating it now I'm thinking about it more. I guess I was feeling like the more she would contact the more she wanted to maybe be with more etc. I guess this isn't the case.

We have been to marriage counselling (my idea) twice but she was still very angry at the time and it didn't work for us due to her anger towards me. I'm not sure suggesting going again would work or that she would be willing to go as we aren't together neither as you quite rightly pointed out have recently spilt up.

I am by no means sitting up home and waiting for her. I have friends and enjoy the gym and Muay Thai but I'm injured at the moment. This still doesn't make me miss her less. If I do tell her we need to speak about the kids only, how should go about this? Shall mention if she wants try again or go for a drink to chat in the future to contact me? Or do I just leave it?
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Old 9th July 2014, 08:36 PM   #10
Raymond
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

Chosen has given you a different option so you have to judge what you want to do. Both options have ocurred to you already in a way.

It seems to me the control did affect your relationship in my opinion.

The question is is her playfighting, flirting etc. really using you or is there something still in her that longs to get back but is fearful of the control that she remembers? It is impossible for us to decide on here but is there something genuine underneath it all that needs to be nurtured? Like I said before don't grovel or be used in the wrong way but also don't kill off something that might need healing and that could lead to something better.

Really you have a lot to think about regarding the different advice you are getting but my hope is that she will begin to recognise the change in you and eventually be open to restoring the marriage.
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Old 9th July 2014, 08:53 PM   #11
UkGuy
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Chosen has given you a different option so you have to judge what you want to do. Both options have ocurred to you already in a way.

It seems to me the control did affect your relationship in my opinion.

The question is is her playfighting, flirting etc. really using you or is there something still in her that longs to get back but is fearful of the control that she remembers? It is impossible for us to decide on here but is there something genuine underneath it all that needs to be nurtured? Like I said before don't grovel or be used in the wrong way but also don't kill off something that might need healing and that could lead to something better.

Really you have a lot to think about regarding the different advice you are getting but my hope is that she will begin to recognise the change in you and eventually be open to restoring the marriage.
Deep down I think there is still something there but she has convinced herself she is better off single at the moment as she said she feels like she hasn't got to answer to anyone etc. she did quiz me and said of we got back together how would you feel she went on holiday with her friends etc to which I replied no problem but I could tell she had doubts about believing me. I can't blame her for feeling like she doesn't believe me but I have changed.

Yours and chosens answers are different and I'm really confused what to do for the best. If she wants to be single for the moment and she said "what's the rush" (for us to get back together then I don't know what to do for the best as it does seem even though it wasn't the news I wanted I still think there is something there if it's only something small.

I really appreciate the input from you guys I just wish I knew which option to go for as I see benefits in both but I can't choose both and I'm affraid to lose her forever.

Last edited by UkGuy; 9th July 2014 at 08:58 PM.
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Old 9th July 2014, 10:06 PM   #12
chosen
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Deep down I think there is still something there but she has convinced herself she is better off single at the moment as she said she feels like she hasn't got to answer to anyone etc. she did quiz me and said of we got back together how would you feel she went on holiday with her friends etc to which I replied no problem but I could tell she had doubts about believing me. I can't blame her for feeling like she doesn't believe me but I have changed.

Yours and chosens answers are different and I'm really confused what to do for the best. If she wants to be single for the moment and she said "what's the rush" (for us to get back together then I don't know what to do for the best as it does seem even though it wasn't the news I wanted I still think there is something there if it's only something small.

I really appreciate the input from you guys I just wish I knew which option to go for as I see benefits in both but I can't choose both and I'm affraid to lose her forever.
Firstly why not suggest that you to go to marriage counselling together, and secondly why does a married lady with kids want or need to go on holiday with a group of other women? I don't know any married ladies who do that, and in my experience, groups of men together or groups of women together dont always behave well on holiday away from their partners. Why cant a mum and wife go on holiday with her family? Is this what she means by you being controlling, you not wanting her to do that? IF so, that isnt controlling, thats common sense.

Can you give examples of what she thinks is controlling behavior?
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Old 9th July 2014, 10:09 PM   #13
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Yes that's very true! She is having her cake and eating it now I'm thinking about it more. I guess I was feeling like the more she would contact the more she wanted to maybe be with more etc. I guess this isn't the case.

We have been to marriage counselling (my idea) twice but she was still very angry at the time and it didn't work for us due to her anger towards me. I'm not sure suggesting going again would work or that she would be willing to go as we aren't together neither as you quite rightly pointed out have recently spilt up.

I am by no means sitting up home and waiting for her. I have friends and enjoy the gym and Muay Thai but I'm injured at the moment. This still doesn't make me miss her less. If I do tell her we need to speak about the kids only, how should go about this? Shall mention if she wants try again or go for a drink to chat in the future to contact me? Or do I just leave it?
yes tell her that if she wants to try again and maybe go to counselling and work on the marriage, you will be there. However you may need to have a time in mind beyond which you will need to call it a day for your own good. Otherwise you may still be in this position in another year or two.

Are you sure she isnt seeing anyone else? Where is she living?
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Old 9th July 2014, 10:27 PM   #14
UkGuy
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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yes tell her that if she wants to try again and maybe go to counselling and work on the marriage, you will be there. However you may need to have a time in mind beyond which you will need to call it a day for your own good. Otherwise you may still be in this position in another year or two.

Are you sure she isnt seeing anyone else? Where is she living?
I'm 100% sure she's not seeing anyone else. When we had our chat I felt she was honest with me. She is living in our marital home with my children. The house is rented through family luckily.

What would you call a reasonable time scale to wait as such?
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Old 9th July 2014, 11:17 PM   #15
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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I'm 100% sure she's not seeing anyone else. When we had our chat I felt she was honest with me. She is living in our marital home with my children. The house is rented through family luckily.

What would you call a reasonable time scale to wait as such?
How long can you carry on this way and keep yourself emotionally sane?

Can you give examples about your 'controlling' behavior? Was it stuff like not wanting her to go away with her mates?

So where are you staying?
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