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Old 24th February 2012, 09:47 PM   #1
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Red face bipolar, an affair and baby!

I have never done this before and feel kinda weird about it, but have no where else to turn. My husband and I have been married almost 6 months and together 6 years. We have had our ups and downs throughout, but finally were on a good road, I thought. A few months before our wedding my husband had a bipolar manic episode and FINALLY went and got the help needed and on medication. The change has been wonderful since then, up until now. While he was manic he cheated on me, before we were married. This is a common symptom of bi-polar and I am somewhat understanding of that (dealing with is since he is in therapy for it), but during the short time he was with the girl a baby was made. My husband came clean to me and his family when he found out, about 3 months before our wedding. His family was furious as I was too. His family is willing to support him in getting help for his bipolar but told him they wanted nothing to do with the kid, same as I. I am a Christian so this is hard for me, but I can't imagine having to see something on a regular basis that reminds me of my husbands infidelity on a regular basis when I am trying to work past it. After much conversation we decided to still get married and he decided that he did not want anything to do with the child, but would support it financially. His family and I supported him in this decision and agreed to offer as much support as needed for therapy, lawyer, whatever. We got married because he gave me his word he was not going to have anything to do with the child, now 6 months in we are dealing with court to determine paternity and child support and now he is thinking he may want to be involved with the kid. While I should not get mad about this, I am. I feel like he is going back on his word with me and putting me in a tough position because I know for myself I can't handle that and told him before we married that I would leave him if he did. I want more then anything to have a long life with my husband and we were planning on starting our own family in the next 6 months, but I dont know what to do now that he is having 2nd thoughts. Is it "morally" ok to support a child financially but not be involved? He is struggling with this, which I understand, but not sure what to do.The childs mother and her family wants nothing to do with him either so he would not have a voice in the parenting either and he wants nothing to do with the childs mother. I don't want this to ruin my marriage and am worried that if we divorce I may never have a family of my own since I am not getting any younger and clearly wouldn't be rushing into anything else I know I probably sound horrible by asking him to have nothing to do with the child, but I am willing to support him in providing financial support.
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Old 25th February 2012, 06:27 AM   #2
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Re: bipolar, an affair and baby!

Dear K...

Welcome to the forum. You have been through some difficult times. You were with him a long time knowing he had a chemical/emotional problem. He was so irresponsible during the manic phase, you said, he had an affair. It sounds as if this went on for a time and you knew nothing about this. He managed to keep two women in the dark and MEDS don't make you that good. That doesn't sound like a man who made a one-time mistake. He handled dishonesty like a PRO. You knew nothing about his double life and then married him anyway. You are trusting too. He must be charming to so entrance two women.

He chose to know this woman so well that she was wasn't worried about getting PG. He was so irresponsible that he didn't use protection. He could even have exposed you to a sexual disease. Instead, there is a pregnancy. It seems you, and his family, feel he should support and have nothing to do with his child. Good, there will be a DNA test to determine paternity but I think, it is a sure thing, this is his child. She doesn't sound like she got around much, because she trusted him, to believe she meant something to him. That was surely an emotional affair with depth. Of course, she wants nothing to do with him, as he treated her badly.

Now he wants to cut the child off, and send a check, like supporting a child in an orphanage overseas. The innocent child won't know his/her father. It doesn't sound to me that the child will miss a lot in him who has no integrity, honesty, nor does he understand love and loyalty. He didn't show that to either woman in his life, so now the child will get the same from him.

You can't take it about the child? That innocent child has gotten a rough start and too bad none of you care enough to make some time for the child or to help the mother with more than money. I find that pretty un-christian behavior in all of you. You think the child robs you of something if you have a baby? Your own child will have a brother/sister and has a right to that connection. It is terrible for a child to grow up and feel unwanted, like a piece of luggage left at the station. That is so wrong.

You could forgive him everthing, but you can't forgive an innocent baby born from his illicit affair? I would look to your future with this man! How will it be when you look at a child when you are out somewhere and realize you don't have enough love in you to extend to this child? You are all in agreement that he should continue to be irresponsible, just as he was when he bedded with another woman, while in a relationship with you. It take more than money to raise a child and form character. It takes safety and a child raised alone, with no father figure, never forms that and has problems for

Your real issue is you don't trust your husband to visit the child around the mother. He does lie and cheat well, that is true. You extracted a promise from him that he would not be involved with his child. You had no right to do that. If you force that issue it will cause more problems in the marriage. The more you forbid, the more curious he may be about the child.

You worry about having a child with your husband. I will give you advice. Don't! See how this will play out for a couple years before you are PG and YOU are the abandoned one. You should make an effort to be a kind, generous, and gracious, caring woman and give the woman a baby gift in person or by mail. You should realize he played her false...just as he did to you. Make peace with her family.

You must realize his obligations run for the next 18 years. Are you suggesting when he/she graduates from high school that the father should not give emotional and financial support? This won't go away, so best you accept things. Keep your eye on him, as with/or without MEDS, I am sure he knew what he was doing.

So you accepted the affair and married him in spite of it. The sad part of all this is that no one wants to know the baby. Send some money and cross it off is what you both think is the right way to handle this. Of course, she wants nothing to do with him as he abandoned her when she was pregnant. She trusted him enough to have unprotected sex and he took off and married you.

She must have been very shocked and then had to go through her pregnancy alone must have been very lonely and sad. I guess she had a way to take care of her medical expenses?

Last edited by 1aokgal; 25th February 2012 at 10:05 PM.
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Old 25th February 2012, 11:47 AM   #3
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Re: bipolar, an affair and baby!

I would have thought that if the child's mother and family want nothing to do with him there was not much scope to be a father figure to the child anyway.

It is good that he is having a conscience but I cannot see much working out of it as the child has his mother and her family by the sound of it.

I find it strange that adultery is almost justified because of bipolar but that is just by the way.

I agree with 1okgal. The whole thing came out of adultery and I can understand that that is what the child represents to you. I would give it time to work out. The child is still a human being and I do not see all that much scope for your husband being a father working out in view of the fact that the woman's family do not want anything to do with him. From their point of view he used their daughter while he was already married.

I think he has to live with the consequences. I do not see why in time you cannot adjust and show goodwill to the child as opportunity arises even though you will have your own family in time.
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Old 25th February 2012, 02:43 PM   #4
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Re: bipolar, an affair and baby!

I agree with the above posts. If the mother and all of her family dont want anything to do with him or for him to be involved, then he cant force that anyway. I am assuming that the OW knew that he was married, so in that sense she was equally as wrong as him and she should have used some sort of protection herself. It seems she is happy to have his money but not have him involved on the childs life! She also got herself into this mess by sleeping with a man who was someone elses husband!

IS he a Christian? You say that you are, so wondered if he was as well. Did you get advise from your pastor or another mature believer before you married this man? Its just that I know my pastor would have almost certianly have warned you against the marriage, at least for a long time after this came to light.

I could not marry a man who had cheated and got another women pregnant, partly because I could not trust him again, and partly because I know that I could not accept him seeing the OW for the next 18 or so years. Thats me. You married him anyway, because he promised that he wouldnt be involved in the childs life, and now he has already broken that promise.

I think you need to wait and see what happens, and if he does get permission to see the child on a regular basis, probably with the mother to start with because the baby is so young, you will need to seriously think about whether you could cope with that for the next 18 and more years. As Iaokgal says, dont even think about having kids yet, that will just bring more stess into this situation.
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Old 25th February 2012, 10:26 PM   #5
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Re: bipolar, an affair and baby!

I think there is a misunderstanding. He was not married to her at the time he was with the OW. He was seeing BOTH women. It is likely he lived with our poster when he got the OW pregnant. He told his his wife...that there was another woman and she then a few months pregnant. That was three months before they actually got married. She married him anyway. The OW woman had not yet delivered the baby. He married this lady and abandoned the pregnant woman with whom he had the affair. (Of course, he was involved with both women at the same time, so both thought their realtionship was monogamous.) Her family stepped in to help their pregnant daughter. It is pretty clear why they now want little to do with him.

Then he forced a DNA test when he challenged the paternity because of the child support requested. He told his fiance, before they married, it was his child. She got pregant while they were together. So he compartmentalized neatly between these two women. She married him, knowing all this. He must be a real charmer to have kept two women in the dark! He told his wife about the woman and her pregnancy three months before they married, if my timeline is correct.

He left the woman pregant and married his fiance. A real catch! He obviously had not told the OW about his fiance. He also had not told his fiance about the woman until she was pregant. Two women, and each thought they were the one. That is why, his now wife, should not consider having a child for several years. Bi-polar. without or with meds, has nothing to do with infidelity, dishonesty and lack of character or empathy in these events. Surprising to me, is why she chose to marry him!

He owes this child and that mother help. He didn't do the right thing. He should take responsibility, not with just money, but some input. That does not threaten his wife...unless she makes it a threat. After all, he married her and abandoned a pregant woman. Personally, I would not have taken this man on a bet! His present wife sees something in him, not apparent here. She should be charitable enough to care that this child gets some input more than money. I would never trust this man to do the right thing.

I am curious who provided the medical and prenatal care for the woman and baby? Many women do not have coverage on any insurance policy that covers delivery and care. Birth and prenatal are not provided free, and it is very expensive. Since he was out of there, it must have been a burden on her family.

I think this wife feels threatened by this poor little baby. Too bad she could not feel sympathy and input some caring about these events. She should extend herself to do that. She would never regret being kind there. Her problem is with him, not with the OW or the baby. No child should be discarded like a wet dishcloth.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 26th February 2012 at 12:06 AM.
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Old 26th February 2012, 12:00 AM   #6
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Re: bipolar, an affair and baby!

Yes I realise now that they werent married, but in a long term committed relationship.We dont know if the OW knew this or not I suppose, but by neither using protection for what has been described as a short relationship they must have known that pregnancy was a big possibility. A lady I know's husband had an affair and the OW deliberately got pregnant while telling him she was on the pill, so that he would stay with her. He is now with neither of them.

If they are from the UK, she would have been cared for by the NHS at no cost to her.

I dont agree that this isnt a threat to his wife and marriage, I see it as a massive threat.

However with the attitude of the OW and her family to him, he will only be able to see the child if he is prepared to pay loads of money out to solicitors and take it through the courts. That can take years and years, so it may well never happen anyway.

I believe that if she wants his money then she needs to let him see the child. I do not think he should have married the lady he was living with in the circumstances, and should, at the very least, have put the wedding off till the baby was born and he had decided what he was going to do.

We dont know if the OW knew he was in a serious relationship, but many people dont care about things like that. If she hadnt had sex with a man she had barely met, and on top of that not used contraception, she would not be in this position now She is equally responsible and isnt an innocent victim.

I can only see pain and heartache for this poor wife. She and the baby are the innocent ones here, but sadly thats what happens when you have sex outside marriage, and are unfaithful, things like this happen and people get hurt.
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Old 26th February 2012, 02:29 AM   #7
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Re: bipolar, an affair and baby!

I agree on many of the points here. It seems the marriage should have been put on hold from the aspect that this man has a lot of issues (nothing to do with his bi-polar) but character issues. There is the right to child support and he should have vistation privileges. There are no custody disputes. If he supports the child, he should also be interested enough to see the child. I think it was wrong of her to extract a promise from him, as terms of the marriage, he won't see the child. That is likely to backfire.

In the states, there is no free healthcare except Medicaid for the poor and disabled who qualify for it.
Medicare is for elder retired people. Private insurers add preganancy to a policy with higher premium, but no preganacy can occur until 10 months after the insurance. (No pre-existing condition covered.) An insurance company can go broke with critical costs care for an infant born with special complications as 24hr nursing, machines, pediatricians, etc. So the policies that add preganacy are expensive. Group health plans don't automatically add this. One needs to add to policy before the event. A large employer could have a policy that includes as coverage city, state, gov't. workers.

I was a financial planner/insurance broker and this issue raises premiums high for couples who consider having children. Prenatal care and birth expenses (hospital) can run to $7,000. There are now cheaper birth centers in some areas that use midwife delivery.

This woman has no interest in him and it sounds as if she is very angry at how things occurred, since she was pregant and left. Whether that PG was entrapment on her part, we don't know. Both were irresponsible. This child will be around a long time. He will be a shadow or a joy to this man, depending on how the man behaves in future. I don't see the child or the woman as a threat, but an issue that will be ongoing for years. It isn't going away.

Chosen, you last paragraph is dead-on. Let us say her expectations of life have been altered. A future with this man may be precarious by his questionable character choices. If she puts herslf to be involved with the child, at least in a kind, accepting way, things will go better than if it is a war if her husband visits the child.

Some people can really make a mess of their lives with irresponsible behavior. I believe if this wife gives it thought and opens her heart, she may see things differently. She can afford to be kind and understanding now as she elected to take him (and his baggage.)

Last edited by 1aokgal; 26th February 2012 at 10:06 PM.
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Old 26th February 2012, 04:55 PM   #8
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Re: bipolar, an affair and baby!

Greetings KK,

I would think that you should regard this child much in the same way (at this point) as you would the child of any "EX" who needs to be considered. This child will, by default, become the half sibling of any children you have with your husband and should not be shut out wholesale regardless of how that came to be. While this may not seem fair or tolerable to you given that the OW was involved in an affair with your betrothed at the time, God is still nevertheless, concerned for how the fatherless are treated as well as He is for you...a very delicate balance now at hand.

Your biggest issue may well be forthcoming because your husband may go on to have other "bi-polar episodes" and get "involved" with women again (if that is his weakness), long after you have had a family of your own...especially if he decides to mess with his medication as is often the case. I have never seen where marriage to a person with bi-polar disorder has ever been especially stable for the long term...what is clear and makes perfect sense to them at one time, seems obsurd at another with the resulting "turn about" in behavior. Medications are often changed as new or recurrent "symptoms" become apparent.

He cheated when you were heading towards the altar....but instead of postponing the wedding, you set "terms" in order to move forward...terms which he is now wishing to alter without a revised solid agreement between the two of you given his change of heart. That is two solid "strikes" in my mind against the stability of your marriage...and, by the way, both of which you personally could have avoided if you had received (and heeded) solid Godly counsel from the beginning. But we do not always see clearly when we are in the middle of things do we?

Remember Sarah and Hagar? This is much the same sort of mess that happens when we step outside the Will of God with human reasoning and remedies.

If I were you, I would yield and allow for your husband to follow his natural inclinations to attempt on some level to be a father to this child as any decent father would, since you already knew of this reality before marriage. This may or may not produce a viable relationship with his child which may be needed in the distant future, but it is impossible to know at this point... at least you will not be the one accused of standing in the way and embittering him. We cannot blot out the needs of a child simply because they are an inconvience or a stigma in our relationships can we? And should one totally disregard the reality that tugs on the heart of this new father which he probably could not have foreseen when he made that agreement with you?...He is now torn...and he should be...and that baby knows nothing yet needs everything. Yes, he gave his word...but neither of you could have understood the power an innocent child has to make someone "rethink" other alternatives.

I would tend to "govern" his contact with the OW rather than with his child...because at some point he needs to be held accountable and responsible for any possible future heartache that this might cause you outside of his involvement with this child. If you can see it through, I would insist that any contact with the OW be done exclusively through open emails and the exchange for possible visitations be done exclusively by a third party to avoid additional suspicion or pain being inflicted on you. If he cannot agree to that and stick to it, I would seriously rethink being married to him at all, and move on so that your future is not so wrought with pain and morality issues that have no acceptable resolutions...God is not expecting you to live your life as a perpetual He?

The fact that there is resistance from the OW and her family to his involvement now, does not mean that given enough time there will not be an acceptance of it later...especially if he wins that position through the Court or through the power of persuasion. The OW will likely not take kindly to your husbands attempts to be in the childs life however, but that decision will fall on her own head if that is what happens long term.

I would not be rushing headlong to have any children with him for a few years in order to see how this evolves, as well as to see if he has any inclinations to use his bi-polar issue as an excuse for a continued slippage in moral character...This will surely make you feel robbed of your priviledges (to have children of your own) as a valid wife which will be yet another strike against the marriage. I would see if you can tolerate the situation in the reality of what your husband wishes to do regarding that tiny child, and if with God's help, you are able to make any adjustments.

We all want immediate resolution for problems...but you will not be having it under these particular circumstances I am sorry to say...your life will be lived on a perpetual "wait and see" mode.

Kindest Regards

Last edited by Forever; 27th February 2012 at 03:33 AM.
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Old 26th February 2012, 08:25 PM   #9
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Re: bipolar, an affair and baby!

I agree with forever in that if in the future there is any contact between him and the child, then a third party needs to be involved with either being there with them if he sees the child at her house, or to collect the child and bring him/her to see your husband. Under no circumstances should he be able to just go to her house and be there alone with her and the child. At least this will make it impossible for them to cheat again,and hopefully will put your mind at rest slightly.

I feel for you very much. I doubt that I could deal with this sitiation, I mean I do have 2 step sons but they are young adults and my husband didnt cheat on me to conceive them. Even so, that can be a challenge at times, especially with their mother initially interferring a lot.

Can you deal with him being involved in the childs life for many many years knowing that she is the mother?If he does decide to persue contact, you need to make that decision before you have a family of your own. You also need to consider that if this mother is bitter and angry, she can, and probably will, make life for you and him very difficult if there is contact. You know the saying about the woman scorned? Well its true in many cases.
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Old 21st April 2012, 11:28 AM   #10
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Re: bipolar, an affair and baby!

I'm so sorry about your husband's affair. And what rotten timing!
I've been BPD my entire life and didn't know for most of the relationships I was in. I have never cheated on anyone, no matter how destructive or depressed I got.
While it is true that BPD's tend to engage in destructive behavior which often manifests in sexual promisquity, I think this is stepping over the bounds.

My questions to you involve how he has acted since. BPD's tend to seriously regret their manic behavior afterwards. In fact, I don't think they could carry on a long term affair without exploding from the stress and its effect on the illness.
It is very usual for BPD's to be verbally abusive in moments of crisis. These are behaviors that require love and support and of course, concentrated effort on his part. If he's getting help for that kind of behavior, then there is hope for your relationship. If not, well, you have a child and you have to think of her mental health. BPD's only get "better" intermittently without treatment and effort.
I hope this helps. Please take care of yourself. Your moods and needs are important, too!
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