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Old 2nd March 2016, 01:37 PM   #1
sssudio_uk
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 7
Angry My next move? Help/Advice needed.

Hi.
This is my first post, so, be gentle! I will try and condense this!!

Ok, so...me and wife separated in October last year, we had been together for nearly 9 years, married just less than 1. Everything had been fine, almost say the perfect relationship...or I thought so, until she was frantically messaging a 'work friend'. I never had a problem as I message work friends, male and female. But it became a case of hiding it from me, 1 work night out become 2, or 3, sometimes in a week. I had raised a concern...but it was knocked back. This continued and got a bit more 'hard-core' to a point where, I do feel terrible for this, I snooped... The conversations where 1000's of messages long, and were just general 'chat', with compliments thrown in. Nights out turned into coming home at 4am/5am etc., her telling other friends that she felt something for him, the fully supported her...I was agast that knowone said but you are married....

We argued about it (very rarely argued in the whole relationship)...I kept being told “my feelings are confused, I don’t know what I feel…”, until a point of where she announced she going to leave but needed a few days apart to sort her head out. I did this, to come home to find everything packed. I pleaded, asked for reasons and didn’t actually get a reason. That was it. Gone. I did email her a lot, too much, but I was being left, also with a lot of debt (I had the better credit rating, credit cards ALL in my name, for holidays, house work etc), and a huge mortgage to pay for myself (both named on the mortgage, paid equal parts).

I had been lied to about where she had been 'staying', it was with this guy, not with a friend as mentioned. She came and collected EVERYTHING of hers about 2 weeks later...as she was moving into a flat 9 miles away (this flat had already been viewed on her laptop weeks before...i was told it was for a friend...so it was planned. We exchanged a few emails, some very positive, agreeing to see each other socially and go to couples counselling...but this was cancelled and cancelled...but i stopped getting replies.

As she always denied that she was having an affair or cheating, I made a terrible error again, I thought, I will go to her flat and just check if I was paranoid or correct. This I did, to find I wasn’t paranoid, both sat there, curtains open, world to see. I knocked, had the door shut in my face, and was visited by the police the next day to be served a PINS notice NOT TO VISIT. Rightfully so, really. I had been having counselling myself, as I was distraught, I wanted to find out what was so wrong, or was I terrible person, was I too soft, how am I going to pay for everything. I sent an email about something I had heard in counselling and the offer of relationship counselling, and if it is over, I can find out why or how to cope...to which I had another Police visit, another warning to not email this time. ANY CONTACT MUST BE THROUGH A SOLICITOR. That broke me, I have to say. In the space of a month, my whole world has just been binned. I am left in a huge house, that’s mid being done up, so it wasn’t in the best state, full £800 a month mortgage, debts, 3 cats...feeling rather sorry for myself.

A few weeks pass, I receive an email from her sister, saying "this is from ***); it was just something I had asked weeks ago about the gas/electric etc. I sent a reply...and got a reply, a chain of a few emails...and my last email was HUGE. It was a rant of sorts, non-threatening or even a swear or curse, just explaining situations that have arisen and what can be done or asking questions, of why, etc... 48 days later, NO contact in the mean time, I am arrested in my house for harassment, (can I add on my birthday as well...), cuffed, in the back of the van, in the station, cell, etc. I am interviewed, and the officers are accusing me of domestic abuse, mental and physical. And start prodding me to admit that I hit her, etc. All of this never happened, I never even thought about doing that at any time…or even crossed my mind...I was in a daze to where this had all come from. They read my email, word for word, asking me to explain it, which I did, thoughtfully. Then my legal advice said there was no need and they humiliating me on purpose. They stopped. My wife had given them a statement that was just a fantasy world of lies. A great line that was used against me was "he threw a cushion at the wall (this is when I found out she had been hiding all her messages from said 'friend')…but he could of hit me with that cushion if he wanted...". I stuck up for myself, as I felt bullied. I felt like my ex wife had to make up or turn stories to justify her actions. The police didn't even know we were married, that the mortgage I was paying was in both names and I have no financial support from her for anything. It was very poor. I was cautioned with harassment without violence and driven home, 7 hours later. I asked how can I contact her to discuss the house. Through her sister I was told, but I said this is how I am here, by replying to an email from her sister...and that was it. The didn’t really have answer. Mediation? How? I cannot afford to even eat some days, how can I afford to get a solicitor... to just silence. Great stuff.

The situation I find myself in currently: I am not talking to my ex wife at all, I am not allowed legally other than through a solicitor, and I couldn’t even begin to afford any process such as divorce, or contacting her through a solicitor. I have removed myself from every bit of social media...although I am told about her "i miss my cats" tantrums or "i miss my house" related twitter posts...or her going out on the twon posts...people should really not tell me though!

I have had to take a short term lodger in, to help with the bills (that last thing I ever wanted to do....but needs must). I do not know where I stand, legally with mortgage related stuff, or in my life. Obviously, my wife wants nothing to do with me, I want an answer or reasons (I would still go to relationship therapy, if given the chance) - but I know I may never get an answer. I just feel trapped as I cannot move, or take control of the mortgage (too large an amount) or just jump ship, like she did. I feel embarrassed by it all...I have no control over a lot of it.

Sorry, it was a bit long winded...

Last edited by sssudio_uk; 2nd March 2016 at 01:48 PM.
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