Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > Advice > Marriage Help

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 6th September 2012, 01:17 PM   #1
petunia
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 2
Unhappy - not sure if it is the marriage or just me

I've been married for 6 years. We have two young children. Our first child, now 4 years old, was a difficult baby. In addition to that I also lost a parent and had some really awful, traumatic stuff going on in my life at the time when my first child was born. I was very stressed out and, along with sleep deprivation and baby's constant needs, it took it's toll on my relationship with my husband.
We had a second child, simply out of the desire for a sibling for our first. This seemed to make things even worse. My husband and I bickered and fought a lot. I had trouble controlling my temper during pregnancy and early postnatal - I would fly into rages and swear, hit, yell. My husband used to be so supportive, and understanding, but after a few years of this he get into rages as well. We are working on it, and getting much better but my main worry is that I feel I just do not love him.
I have been reading John Gottman's work and found I have contempt for my husband. I think this is something I grew up with. The idea of belittling, swearing or sneering at a loved one seemed quite normal and okay to me. I realise now it is not. But I do not know how to change it. I feel it must be impossible to go from a feeling of no love and contempt to feeling love again.
Also, I feel a bit repulsed by the idea of any sexual contact. Even kissing. We haven't had sex in over a year. Thing is, for me, my previous relationships have always ended up this way too. I would start to feel slight contempt and disgust at intimacy and I would end the relationship. I feel that even if I left my husband I would end up in the same position all over again with someone else.
My husband and I plan to get counseling. Often, I feel like I could happily tolerate our marriage if only my husband was nicer to our kids. The way he treats them is often the cause of our fights.
Any compassionate advice would be much appreciated.
petunia is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th September 2012, 04:04 PM   #2
1aokgal
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Unhappy - not sure if it is the marriage or just me

Dear Petunia...

Welcome to the forum. You will find we are good listeners. You are very honest about your situation and that is a first step to change is to admit there is a problem. A lot of changes need to be made within you. The behavior you describe is unacceptable and will destroy your spirit and damage your relationship beyond repair. Your children will witness family blowups and could repeat this behavior in their own lives.

First, I want to ask you if you have gotten a medical checkup lately and if any problems? You did not mention your background. Such conflicted feelings don't just happen. Usually we bear the fruit of childhood/family connections in our emotional makeup.
Those from broken homes/problem homes lack nuture and feel sad/unloved and can repeat what they experience. You must feel very sad as your marriage is in jeopardy. I want to make a suggestion that you buy a small journal/diary book and write a few lines each day about your feelings or pet peeves. That helps to ventilate and clarify your thinking.

The key is that you admit your previous relationships seem to end up the same way. That statement means something is wrong and needs evaluation. So you have serious self analysis to decide how you improve how you relate to others. Good that you are reading some helpful positive books. The best psychiatry is our own admission we can learn change. If you had a difficult childhood maybe the insight is to review the past. That is where the diary helps..write down your pet peeves. How is your relationship with remainig family?
The fact you have two young kids so close in age may account for dread of sex/intimacy. Birth control would be high on the list there when you do have contact. Caretaking for two kids can simply drain energy and emotion.

An unstable beginning means you have to work harder to discover the God given power within you to attract solid and loving connections. Love comes from within and you hold the power for change to make happiness for yourself and others. A marriage so stressed usually ends in divorce. One must choose to love and that involves that you radiate accepting, kind feelings toward others. It is simple science, there is an action and reaction. You reap what you sow. Set your mind to do TWO kind things each day for your husband. Maybe there can be a tiny beginning. Maybe you smile when he walks in the door and make small changes. That is a good start to something better. If you think about what nice things he has done for you in the past, maybe you will like him again. That is a new beginning.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 6th September 2012 at 07:44 PM.
  Reply With Quote
Old 7th September 2012, 01:25 PM   #3
petunia
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 2
Re: Unhappy - not sure if it is the marriage or just me

1aokgal, thanks so much for your reply. I cried reading it. It meant so much to me to be heard and not judged. To have someone care enough to take time and give such good advice.

I have so many issues personally, I wish I had realised this before I got married and had children. I had never intended to get married - it's almost like I fell into it by accident. My parents divorced when I was very young and I always thought marriage was an undesirable place to be - suffocating, boring, impossible.

I have had medical check ups. No real problems. Low vit D and some other age related issues, but not sure if they will be relevant?

You ask how is my relationship with remaining family. I have only one sibling - a brother who is very difficult for anyone to get along with. He lives overseas so we do not have much contact. When we do it can be fine or it can be quite upsetting. My mother and I have a decent relationship. She was never very loving or affectionate or good with emotion, and I still find this difficult to deal with sometimes. But, I'm not really sure why you asked about family, so not sure what exactly to tell you.

You mention a journal to note my pet peeves. What did you mean by this? What kind of pet peeves? Also, you suggest I should do two things a day for my husband. What kinds of things? I'm quite clueless where to start!

To be honest, I am feeling a tiny bit hopeful. I was very depressed about a year ago and thinking I could not bare to remain in a loveless marriage. But I have learnt a lot since then. I do have some hope that we will work this out. My husband knows how I feel but, as far as he is concerned, from his perspective, everything is fine. He's happy to carry on forever. He comes from a place where marriage continues not matter how bad!

I wonder, do you think my marriage sounds doomed? You seem to give that impression.

Also, I wonder often these days, if I had only met someone else the "right" person, could I be happy and in love now? I worry that this is true. I think if only I had chosen that other guy, who was so amazing and funny and smart, maybe I would be blissfully happy and in love still, with two children and the happiest family ever. Maybe my whole life would be different, and I would feel like my life was a huge success. Is this possible, or do I really need to sort out my issues first before I can ever hope to have lasting love and happiness?
petunia is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th September 2012, 06:33 PM   #4
1aokgal
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Unhappy - not sure if it is the marriage or just me

My Dear Petunia...

I am glad you are feeling more hopeful. No, far from it, I do not feel your marriage is doomed given what you tell me about your husband. I actually think you can find the love of your life, that great guy, who complements our lives and gives the passion we all want to have. I believe it possible you could find that man!

Petunia, I think it possible you can be happy and experience joy in your life with what you told me here. I think you can find everything you seek in the man who now shares your life as your husband. I think he can be the prince from the stories we read when we were little. Those books describe a kind, attentive, loyal, and always patient and loving man. Your husband sounds like that man. You don't hear from him about your short comings, your imperfections and how he intends to look elsewhere for sex or love. He is committed like a faithful rescue dog, by your side when you want him, in spite of some nasty, name calling and deplorable incidents. Would you say you found love right there in this man? I would say that you must be a lucky woman to have found a "constant gardener". He is a man (loyal) who weathers the storms around that "bad day" temperaments you were unwise enough to show in response to his loyalty. Maybe he might already be that RIGHT man you spoke about?

God loves constancy! I think most women love a man who loves her IN SPITE of her monthly moods, terrible cooked meals, shopping over budget times, and troubling responses to simple daily living moments! How can we not love a man who provides for our comfort with his daily labor and unselfishly encourages our efforts to do something for ourselves we enjoy to do? You have the treasure, Petunia, right in your very own life. What you need to do is open that heart of yours, that has not evaluated your blessings, with actual measures for his worth.

What TWO things a day things can you do for him? You can say thank you when you get his paycheck....I always do that after I call the bank and find the check was deposited on time by his company. He seldom draws much for his own personal needs. Actually, I do all the shopping for his clothing and he prefers that. In your home you can appreciate his repair of something, and tell him he is a smart guy for changing the oil in the car. These are the taken for granted acts men do. You can make a special dessert. "YUM-YUM, Honey, look what I made today for YOU! Made for YOU. I bought you today a cute sweatshirt. Yes, I know it is silly...but this will be so cute on you!" This is what I do for my husband. Maybe this is a little silly? Well, perhaps somewhat corny, but he laughs about the silliness. That is the TWO things a day plan.

Your husband does not begrudge the benefits he provides for you or quibble about what he can provide. I think the labor of a mans' hands shows he protects us from the world. Yes, I work from home as well. But he provides without asking an accounting for what he has provided. Need I tell you there are men who expect their wives to grovel to get $10 for grocery money? You and I are not among these women, right? How special are we? Very special. That is pure love what the man is doing for us. Why make it always unspoken what we gain from his labor? Tell your husband you appreciate his generosity to make life easier for you. My husband makes the remark to me that I spend $$ on a dog groom but do my own hair color. He thinks that is pretty cheap on my part, not to do same for me. Do you get it that some men out there would go buy their "stuff" and never suggest a wife should pamper herself? How lucky are WE? Very!

These are the TINY changes you can make in Petunia. That you open your rather-closed heart, not to daydream that the grass is greener in LA-LA land or soap opera land, but that your very own husband may be one of lifes' great treasure and blessings! It is so easy to do TWO little nice things a day for him. You can offer to pour a bath for him (with some of your bubble bath dumped in there) and stick around to scrub his back. That is priceless act of service you give for someone who gives so much for your comfort. It is a kindness and not sexual act, but intimate. I tell my husband his advancing grey hair is so attractive. Why not? He can use that nice feeling when one hears a complements. He is worth all that, and more. So is your man.
You said he comes from a place a man just carries on no matter what in a marriage. Lucky you!

Petunia, wouldn't you like to know when you leave this earth one day you gave happiness to others? You have the power to transform your life. A smile radiates a peaceful heart. It also transmits to others like a yawn can sweep a room! Ever notice that? A virus is infection passed and so is a joyful heart transmitted to others. You must find your core. You must do the work to reach deep inside and discover the key to joyful living. I believe you can do that.

Petunia, you might begin your new days with a clean sweep on your house. That is to lift some house cleaning to get a little shine. Then you start to work on throwing out junk from closets while you think some new ideas and listen to some great music. You can begin to lighten the excess belongings that no longer fit or need to be there. That is how you clean your personality. You let lose of unrealistic expectations of perfection/impatience you feel toward others. Liivng is not so hard with a joyful heart.

You can start to take a daily walk with a kid, or dog, or just you. Open your eyes and notice the colors and feel the breeze. Do you realize you occupy a distinct personality that you can mold to be a kind, and well spoken, happy person. If you reach out to others you might enjoy some outings to renew contact, friendships. Today can be the first day of the best days of your life, if you choose that. It all rests in your hands how you live, Petunia. I share this with you as my gift to you.

There are jounal books and little teen diaries. Maybe before you go to bed you write about your day. As in,"Boy, he loved the chocolate cake i made today. He has no problems about weight issues as I do." he ate 3 pieces. I scopped off some frosting for me while I fixed it. Wish I could be better about my weight control. Maybe tomorrow I try harder."

That is jounalling. It becomes habit and pet peeves come out. "Oh, I am so fed up about that old carpet. Maybe we need to save for new there. Bet if I cut some soda buying here We could save $$ for all new carpet." I wrote a page almost every day for years with a book each year. I bought journals with dated pages so I could see the past and progress...or not.
It is amazing how great a journal/diary shows what kind of a person you are, and how you can change.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 24th September 2012 at 12:00 AM.
  Reply With Quote
Old 23rd September 2012, 06:45 AM   #5
rosebanks123
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 1
Re: Unhappy - not sure if it is the marriage or just me

I think the problem is you. Falling out of love from husband is not a reason to get divorce or to look for a new affair. If you think you don't love him anymore, think of your kids, and stay with your marriage for the sake of companionship and friendship. No human love last forever but friendships do.

Last edited by Dave; 23rd September 2012 at 08:10 AM.
rosebanks123 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd September 2012, 06:56 AM   #6
1aokgal
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Unhappy - not sure if it is the marriage or just me

Very well spoken advice.

This husband sounds very nice. If Petunia doesn't appreciate him, as he treats her very well, there are many women who would grab him if he were single again.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 23rd September 2012 at 07:02 AM.
  Reply With Quote
Old 23rd September 2012, 07:47 PM   #7
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Unhappy - not sure if it is the marriage or just me

I think if only is a dangerous road to go down and leads nowhwere. It actually affects the present marriage you have. A good marriage takes acceptance by both spouses. I think you need to honour your comittment and honour his to you. If you do this there is no reason why you cannot have a good marriage.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 09:42 AM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer