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Old 19th March 2010, 06:50 PM   #1
claire
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help

I am turning 30 next week and have been with my partner for nearly 12 years we have three children. He is a alcoholic ( if you ask him he would deny it ) He also suffers from depression and take antidepressants He is becoming so hard to live with I dont know what to do, He makes me feel sad all the time he does suffer from depression which he says is my fault and I want him to stay on his pills which isnt true, I just want him to be normal, he shouts and calls me horrible names and tell me to #### of out of his face. He says everything is my fault Im rubbish at just about everything. I dont even turn him on anymore We barly sleep together and when we do he tells me it was crap. He works but constantly tells me im warning you im going to walk out as he says they all dont like him at work and the boss picks on him. Youll probably read this and ask why am i still with him, but where else would i go i have hardly no close friends and i dont work so I couldnt look after me and the kids I just want him to be the bloke i fell in love with he was funny and kind and I do get flashes of him but he has become so consumbed by drinking, depression and this feeling noboby likes him, that hes hardly there any more. He wont even consider help as he says its a waste of time. I have a constant headache and i dont know what to do. I am walking on egg shells all the time to see what mood hes in and if he'll start. Can someone give me some advise please.
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Old 19th March 2010, 07:35 PM   #2
Helen_uk
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Re: help

Your partner has 2 separate problems , both of which he can get help with.. but only if he chooses to do it. What he's putting you through is emotional abuse and you don't have to put up with that .

Al anon provide support for relatives of alcoholics and your doctor can also offer support . Please talk to someone before this spirals out of control .

There is help available if you choose to leave and you can contact the CAB for advice on that.

You're not alone, because we are here ... you might get more response if you move your thread to the Marriage Help forum as most people look in there first.

You really need to protect yourself and your children from this type of behaviour, even if he isn't physically abusing you, because take it from me it WILL have long term effects on them.

Hugs for you and please , please keep posting.

Helen
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Old 22nd March 2010, 04:28 PM   #3
mangonpineapple
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Re: help

Hi Claire,
I am sorry about your situation. Depression and alcohol are a dangerous mix. Depressives tend to blame their unhappiness on those closest to them - partners, family etc. In this case, it is you who is bearing the brunt of his moods and abuse. It is very very difficult to know what to do in your case. I have been there in a sense and I know the feeling of being blamed for someone's depression and unhappiness. It is awful and it completely strips you off your self-esteem and self-worth. You also have the children to look after and think about. I do really sympathise with you. It so so difficult to know who to turn to and fear of the future with no income is a terrible thing to face. I am just writing to tell you that you can only help him by helping yourself. My x was and is still depressive and has an unhappiness syndrome. Has been on anti-depressants for years, even before I met him. I was with him for 6.5 years and it finally ended because he was so depressed and blamed everything on me. For all those years with him, I knew in the back of my mind that something was wrong and that he should really get help to resolve his issues with the world. He never did. I talked myself blue and tried very hard to be cheerful and lift his moods. It didn't work. All I got was a kick in the teeth and goodbye. He has now found a new lifestyle that he wants, which is single, drinking and partying hard. I on the other hand have been left with my life in tatters and intense emotional pain.

I am writing about my experience because I feel it is important that you know that you are not at fault, and that ultimately you will have to make the very difficult and brave decision of whether to stay and help him recover, or to take your children and start again without him. It is anguishing whatever choice you make. It is painful to love someone with mood disorders and you need to seek some sort of counselling for yourself to help you not get sucked into his moods and behaviour. You must now be selfish and think of yourself and your children. He can only change if he wants to. You cannot wait in the hope that he will change. Oh, and the walking on eggshells thing, I lived it too. It is terrible. Please try and see a counsellor or at least talk to a professional about your situation. I am not a psychologist but I have lived with a depressive spouse and it nearly destroyed me. I am not saying that your husband is like mine, but unfortunately, the behaviour tends to be similar - hurting and blaming those closest to them. Please, try and get some counselling. Try detachment if possible. It is difficult but you will have to dig deep down in your core to find the force to be selfish and think of yourself and your children. You will survive and you will prevail. It is a difficult road but you are young and you can do it. You can also get assistance if you need it, and housing. Use these resources now when you need them.

I understand the part about wanting your marriage to work and wanting back the man you fell in love with. I understand the tantalising glimpses that one catches of the man one married, and the man he could be if it were not for his depression and alcohol problem. It is normal. Just know that it is possible for him to change but that if it is at the expense of your happiness, your health and your children's well-being, then you need to re-assess everything. I am sorry to write this. I hope I have not depressed you. I would love more than anything in the world to tell you that it will be ok but I can't. I just wanted to share what happened to me. Please get help, and most of all start protecting yourself, at least emotionally (and financially if at all possible).

Do not lose hope. You have the possibility of a bright and happy future ahead of you (you are young). I just want to encourage you and support you. Keep posting and please google some websites on living with a depressive spouse.

Wishing you lots of luck and sending you positive vibes.
M x
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Old 23rd March 2010, 06:30 PM   #4
Ageing Grace
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Re: help

Claire, your life sounds like a waking nightmare. I'm sure your partner has his good days - no abuser is vile 100% of the time, or nobody would stick around long enough to take their abuse!

But "walking on eggshells" is just a nice way of saying "living in fear" isn't it? That's how he keeps control over you.

This is incredibly bad for you and your children. You've already lost your sense of self, and your kids are likely growing up with all kinds of issues - not to mention the model of your relationship, which they will go on to imitate!

I know how you feel there is hope: if only ... he didn't drink, or he weren't depressed, or his horse hadn't fallen, or ... well, there's always an if only, isn't there?

Believe me, depression doesn't make people into rude, selfish, bullies. He already was a selfish bully, he just hid it until he was sure he had you where he wanted

Please ring Women's Aid if you're in the UK. It's free and there will be someone there who understands, has been through it and can help you figure out your options. What you have is NOT better than "nothing" - you have yourself and your children, and you can get support.
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Old 23rd March 2010, 07:17 PM   #5
mangonpineapple
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Re: help

I'm just writing to second what Ageing Grace says about depresision not making people into rude, selfish people and bullies, and that he just hid it well until he had you where he wanted you. So true!! - sorry I don't know how to quote yet. This is exactly what happened to me. Sometimes they use the depression as a tool to manipulate because they know you love them... urgh! Don't get sucked into it. Look out for yourself. Get all the help you can from the various organisations for you and your children. I cannot stress this enough. Hope I don't come across as depressing and lecturing... It is just that I experienced first hand what you are going through and the agnoy of should I stay or should I go (loved and still love him to an extent). Love to you and yes, you do have choices and option. xx
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Old 24th March 2010, 02:25 PM   #6
koliver0821
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Re: help

Disagree with a bunch of what was said. Depression is much different in men than it is in women. The exact things said about being rude and selfish are exactly what happens. I can tell you this because of what happened with me.

This is going to sound strange but there is a difference between alcoholism and depression. What he may say is correct. That he isnt an alcoholic. However, what he truly is doing is self medicating. The drinking is the medication. I know people that seem to get drunk all the time time. Yet they say the same thing. They arent drinking because they like the drink. They are drinking because they are masking their pain.

Treat the depression, then the alcohol wont be an issue.

Now, thats not to say that you shouldnt seek help immediately. Strongly suggest going to counseling for yourself.
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Old 26th March 2010, 10:54 AM   #7
claire
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Re: help

Hi, thanks for your replys. I do love my husband and can see him pain and fustration that he goes though on a daily basis. He has been on antidepressants for over a year but still has many bad days. I agree with the comments that depression doesnt give the right to treat me the way he does and many people have been through hardships in their lives and do not treat the people who love them the most like dirt. reasearch is all well and good but untill you have walked in someones shoes you cannot really understand. I am not sure what to do he has told me many nearly everyday this week that he just wants to take a load of pills and end this. I know he wont i think he is just waiting for a reaction from me but i just ignore it. Last night after drinking a bottle of wine and three bottle of larger ( his usuall amount every night) he got angry at me because i didnt listern to him properly, i didnt turn the tv down enough he throw his last glass of wine at the wall smashing it every where and spilling wine all over. He then told me he hates me, get out of my face, i depise you. Now he is in bed and probably will be untill dinner time and will get up and feel sorry for himself again. Im like a robot because if i actually do start feeling i wont be able to stop. I turned 30 on wednesday and he stayed in bed untill dinner time and didnt get me even a card. when he came down he said im even a **** husband. I did feel like screaming what about me but didnt i just sat there, how weak am i. I didnt use to be i was at college on my way to uni to become a nurse but that was so long ago now. I am really stuck because i do love him i just wish he would act like a normal husband and be happy. He has been to the doctors but he says you just have to work through it. i just dont know what to do anymore.
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Old 26th March 2010, 05:06 PM   #8
Helen_uk
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Re: help

I'm afraid that you may have to show your H some tough love and make him realize that his behaviour is unacceptable. That might mean walking away for your own safety.

Depression can cause the kind of things you've described above in some people as they get very frustrated about not getting better , but mixing alcohol with AD's is dangerous for him, you and your kids. Violence is definitely not good for you and the kids. Whatever the reasons for his behaviour he is still abusing you and sorry to say doing nothing is not an option for you. I'm concerned for your welfare. Living in this environment isn't good for your children either.

Your H needs support , but not necessarily the kind of support you can give him , you're far too close to him and the situation. As to his doc telling him he just needs to work through it, sorry I disagree , he needs to see at the very least someone with some experience in mental health issues . Does your surgery have a PDN attached to it ?

It almost sounds to me as if he's seeing how far he can push you .
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Old 27th March 2010, 10:32 AM   #9
topro86
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Re: help

hi...
i had luck to live with a father who was drinker for a while, he used to beat us for every single reason, and we all were scared when came time for him to come home from job, but after while he stopped, i don't know what was the reason for that, but i remember that my stepmother has told him she is going to leave him alone with us three children and that she is going to her father cause she can't stand it anymore! But, maybe he has realized it by himself that his behaviour is just not ok...... But after a while we got a big argue and he told me to leave home, before that he used to drink from time to time, and always had problems....
But be aware that it will take time for him to stop drinking! but i mean a lot of time! regarding to his words that you don't turn him anymore, thats not true...that is alcohol, believe me! the best thing would be if he could turn on religion a bit.... that would be the fastest way for him to find confidence, and to realize that he is not thrown away from society!
Wish you luck...especially to your children, cause i know they suffer the most! much more then you and him can imagine!
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Old 28th March 2010, 09:35 PM   #10
Ageing Grace
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Re: help

Dear Claire,

I wish you would take the decision to put yourself first. By all means see if you can get him better outside help but do not take his problems on yourself: you're supposedly his wife, but he's managed to get you feeling responsible for him, as if he were a child with behavioural issues. He's not. He's the grown man who promised to cherish and love you.

Hah. Smashing stuff against the wall, drunk or sober, is abuse. So are neglect, insults and suicide threats.

Love your self, Claire. Start small, with little treats like an extra-long bath or something. Get back in touch with some old friends. Maybe start looking into courses to re-start your education?

Another good idea is to visit the CAB and find out what your options would be if you left (Women's Aid are fantastic at this, too, by the way). Just having the knowledge will give you strength

Let your man-child try to grow up for himself. You're only 30, you have a life of your own to take care of.

I wish you all the support, love and good luck you need.

AG x
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Old 3rd April 2010, 11:07 PM   #11
claire
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Re: help

Hi, just thought id write again. I know i just woffle on but it really helps just putting it down. He acutally asked me do i fancy women tonight, and when i said what do you mean he said well you dont fancy me, you never want to sleep with me. I dispair he actually thinks that because i really dont want to sleep with him because of his behaviour and i feel totally useless and unsexy, it hasnt even entered his head how i feel or how his behaviour affects me he just thinks its not me I must fancy women. Everything centers around him how he feels whats happened to him, how people dont like him. im really sick of everything i really am at the end of my teather. But im scared to be on my own, i dont want to be on my own and my children would just be devastated especially my daughter as she is ten. I just dont want to give everything up weve been together for twelve years and have three beautiful children. Im really confused because i know his behaviour is his depresion and his drinking but how long am i suppose to wait for everything to get better. I could never imagine myself with anyone else and i do really love him and our family but i am 30 now and i dont want to turn 40 and still be in this position. can anyone please give me some advise.
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Old 4th April 2010, 07:32 AM   #12
UpandDown
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Re: help

I really feel for you, Claire. My husband said to me the other week that maybe he could have got help (for his depression) if i'd left him a few years ago. But I know that's not the case - he would have just left never to be seen again.

I haven't had such a terrible time as you because he has only recently started blaming me and he doesn't drink or anything. However, I can identify with everything you are saying about the kids (I have a one and two year old), about being scared to do it on your own and I understand that it's the dream of a normal family life that you want.

The first thing that helped me to realise is that you can't help your husband. You can request he gets help for his drinking/depression and you can enlist the help of friends, family, work colleagues etc. but at the end of the day, if he doesn't want help it won't work.

The other thing that you should do straight away is to get on the track to part time employment. This might seem scarey at first but you need to take baby steps along the way to build your confidence to get there. The first step might be to look on the internet at government websites to find out about free courses in your area, or you might have a friend who could fix you up with an undemanding admin or retail job initially to get you started.

The key is to build your confidence. At the end of the day, if you had to manage without him (i.e. if he suddenly died for instance) you would. I understand the fear of not being able to manage, but women have an amazing capacity for coping and you are also a mother which means you have a lot of strength within you for sure.

If you were able to work part time for a while you might feel stronger about standing up to him.

As for your daughter, if you really are in a lose lose situation that's not going to be healthy for her and she would be better off in a single parent family. You don't want to teach her that your situation is normal in life......but I know its hard.

It's not your fault he drinks or is depressed. You can't change his behaviour, you can only change yours. And please don't listen to the things he says like the fancying other women thing. He probably has very little to offer in the way of useful conversation at the moment. I listened to my husband for weeks without realising he made literally no sense - all sounds very plausible at the time tho.....

I hope this has been of some help - we're with you!
Love Kathryn
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Old 4th April 2010, 05:41 PM   #13
claire
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Re: help

Thanks for your reply, he has yet again gone speeding of in the car because the kids have made the grass muddy, his reactions dont match what has happened they got shouted and sent to their bedrooms. I really feel for them and do not want them to grow up thinking this is normal behaviour. On one hand he is a great dad and makes us all laugh and does funny out of the blue things. He has just build a tree house in the back garden for the kids and then it all changes in an instance and I am useless and i dont let him tell the kids off but he shouted and sweared at them totally over the top so what mother wouldnt tell him to go away and leave them alone. If he had said look i asked you to stay on the patio and not on the mud and you didnt listern you are going to have to come in then I would have backed him up all the way but instead he shouts and swears, is very intimating and scared them So yes I stood up between them and told him to leave them alone and stop shoting at them, this makes me the worse person in the world. I am totally fed up.
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Old 4th April 2010, 07:34 PM   #14
UpandDown
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Re: help

You poor thing. His behaviour sounds very erratic and frightening. Are you confident you are safe? If not, get some advice regarding what help there is for you in your area. If anything happens to you or the kids because you underestimated his mood swings it would be very tragic.

Keep posting. What has he said about counselling etc.?

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Old 4th April 2010, 10:20 PM   #15
claire
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Re: help

hi, thanks for replying. he wouldnt physically hurt us its more him throwing his weight around ie thorowing things and been verbally abusive. I have decided today that i am going to apply to do childrens nursing, i will be able to get a bursery and student loans. I have been researching it today and am going to apply after the easter holls when everyone is back at school and work.
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