Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > Advice > Marriage Help

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 17th November 2012, 09:38 AM   #151
Lost
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Quote:
Originally Posted by crush View Post

I do think he is very insecure within himself but lies will not help any situation. My feelings are if you lie about one thing what else is kept hidden?

He made out like he was single and was wondering what she would make of him contacting her after all this time. He did mention a while ago about her wanting to be friends on fb shortly after we met but he declined so no contact has happened in 3 years.
Crush...But now he had felt the need to contact her again.

Like mine, some men are so wrapped up in himself and get chronically insecure no matter how much their wives give them affirmation and so much love. That's their problem, not yours.
  Reply With Quote
Old 17th November 2012, 11:28 AM   #152
crush
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Chosen, I agree I should have waited until he was divorced maybe that would have prompted him to do something sooner had I held back. My own fault I know. But at the time when we met I was under the impression the divorce was just about signing off paperwork. Ex w was doing it herself without the need for solicitors etc.As time went on excuse after excuse came, first she couldn't find marriage cert, then couldn't afford it!!! Why she made excuses I cannot fatham as she was living with her bf anyway. Every time he mentioned it to her something else would come up to delay it and he just never pushed it, only me asking why. She also owes him equity from their marrital home which I can never see him getting. Again excuses all the time and he wont see hiis kids deprived, granted. However, they have been apart now for 6 years and as I said has a live in boyfriend so they should now both do the decent thing and end it because there will always be this hanging over us also. I paid my ex h his equity and went into a lot of debt but it was rightfully his and had no choice at the time with the solicitor telling me what was the law and it does grieve me that she appears to have gotten away with it all and he is prepared to let her. I do not want any of his money but it would help his financial situation at the moment as this is a big stressor at the moment.

He seems happy for her to have a good life and do what she wants whilst he suffers making ends meet and so this has a bearing on our relationship also but I don't think he reallly understands this.

Lost, yes he is very much loved by me has a lot of attention and affection so there can be no need to try to resume any contact with anyone, don't know what he feels he is missing out on.
  Reply With Quote
Old 17th November 2012, 11:58 AM   #153
Lost
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Quote:
Originally Posted by crush View Post
don't know what he feels he is missing out on.
Just like mine, your partner seems to be doing all the bouncing back and forth amongst his "girls" in his life who never satisfied him completely but he was unable to cut the cord totally?

Not sure how to call this, "putting his nest eggs in several wrong baskets syndrome" because he cannot make his mind up? Well, he will keep doing this until you spell out your boundaries to him!

Hope you sort this mess out soon.

Good luck!
  Reply With Quote
Old 18th November 2012, 07:39 PM   #154
crush
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Yes, I do think that he does not like to cut the cord, especially with ex w if it ok to remain amicable and should be this way but do feel he feels a lot of loyalty to her even now. They will never get back together of that I am certain but regarding his email to a previous ex it is now a closed subject and "forgotten about", at least on his part. I don't want to drag it up to cause an argument but feel I have not had sufficient and realistic answers.

Again, it boils down to trust and I have to admit a part of that has now gone with me anyway. If he can lie about that what else has he lied to me about. Probably never know I am sure but will be at the back of my mind.

He is quite an insecure person but has never been short of girlfriends from what he has told me. I know he two-timed a previous girl who he was really into with someone that was just casual. How he could come back and pretend like nothing had happened beats me. But when you think you are getting away with it and lying yourself out of a situation you carry on I guess. So this is something that is on my mind also. This gf went on and off for about a year but then it ended. If he has no conscience about doing that to someone what would he be prepared to do here. I know ours is a different relationship, he made the committment to live with me so more is at stake but does concern me.
  Reply With Quote
Old 19th November 2012, 06:35 PM   #155
Lost
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Crush

It's completely normal to be so concerned..who wouldn't be?

Not sure if you ever looked at various articles available online re. cheating or not. There's a lot to read if you have some time to spare..

It seems you're getting some "intuition" that he's doing something (which he's not supposed to) behind your back..you may want to trust that gut instinct.

Women do often try to deny and deny as to their long-standing feelings that there's something not quite right about "him" until you find some hard evidence. This may take years. It took me three years to "discover" the whole story.

Thanks for sharing. Take care..
  Reply With Quote
Old 21st November 2012, 12:47 PM   #156
crush
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Hi Lost, I do wonder if it is just paranoia or instinct with me at the moment, there is so much going on. I feel "free" of my ex h but within his life there are so many loose ends that I don't see ever being sorted. My paranoia comes from experiences with my ex h and so am looking for my bf to do the same I guess. Not saying he will.

He is owed quite a lot of money from the death of this step dad and his brother who is executor is really messing him about at the moment. It has been ongoing now about 9 months and nothing has happened. His brother wont talk to him and he just wont contact him to find out what is going on. The problem being is that I have gone into more debt borrowing money for him to get his car back on the road and helping him out. This I did this gladly as we are a team but this is putting a lot of stress on us both as he had told me he would pay me back when he got his money. I don't wont anything from him financially but as he wont now try to sort things out it is very hard. He wont talk about it and says he will wait for him to contact him but I don't see this happening.

I do question his loyalties though as now he has his car back on the road he is managing. I just wont him to sort things out so he is not so stressed out all the time. He does not think how I am managing with it all he just bury's his head. It all very frustrating. I feel he is still loyal to ex w in not completing their affairs whilst we struggle. If she was single then it would be very different and would not expect him to do anything at all but she has a long term partner who both live very comfortably.

I just feel that I am doing all the giving at the moment and when I found e-mail to ex it just felt like a stab in the heart. After all I had done for him and now this. I need him to now start giving back to me with honesty and love.
  Reply With Quote
Old 21st November 2012, 06:51 PM   #157
Lost
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Crush

Sounds like there's a lot going on at the moment.
You may want to set some clear boundaries so that he knows what his responsibilities are towards you.
I know women, we have a tendency to care and give so much love towards our man. But when it becomes all one sided (it sounds like it in your case?), some questions would need to be asked particularly. When he's diverting his attention to other female other than you, you may need to know why..

Good luck, my friend, Crush.
  Reply With Quote
Old 22nd November 2012, 10:05 AM   #158
crush
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Thats how it feels at the moment all one-sided, I know if he could he would help me out more but nothing seems to make him approach ex w about finances. He just cannot bring himself to do it. I have found out that she is claiming on some PPI they had when they were together and she has gotten him to sign paperwork etc. Telling him that he would get some out of it now she says he is entitled to it all because she paid the loan when they split. She still fails to see how much she actually owes him. Again, it comes down to loyalities, I feel we are living a live we don't need to if he had what was rightfully his he could settle his own debts and help out in this household a little more because as it stands at the moment I am carrying us both which I can ill afford and its my kids that are suffering as a consequence.

When I have broached the subject before it generally ends in an argument because he will defend her and so feel his loyalties are not here with his new family.
  Reply With Quote
Old 22nd November 2012, 10:06 AM   #159
crush
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Thats how it feels at the moment all one-sided, I know if he could he would help me out more but nothing seems to make him approach ex w about finances. He just cannot bring himself to do it. I have found out that she is claiming on some PPI they had when they were together and she has gotten him to sign paperwork etc. Telling him that he would get some out of it now she says he is entitled to it all because she paid the loan when they split. She still fails to see how much she actually owes him. Again, it comes down to loyalities, I feel we are living a live we don't need to if he had what was rightfully his he could settle his own debts and help out in this household a little more because as it stands at the moment I am carrying us both which I can ill afford and its my kids that are suffering as a consequence.

When I have broached the subject before it generally ends in an argument because he will defend her and so feel his loyalties are not here with his new family.
  Reply With Quote
Old 22nd November 2012, 10:06 AM   #160
crush
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Sorry last post should have read that She is entitled to it all.
  Reply With Quote
Old 22nd November 2012, 02:27 PM   #161
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: I am left devastated because he has left

It seems that he has not yet cut himself off from that marriage or that relationship. He should never have got into another relationship until he was able to do that.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd November 2012, 11:28 AM   #162
crush
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Chosen, I agree with you completely, he has never cut ties with ex w and don't really think he will. After all it was her decision to split in the first place and think it came as a big shock to him. All this happened 6 years ago so it is not a recent split. I do wonder sometimes if he never really came to terms with it all as it just does not seem logical to be the way he is. He has never really sat her down to discuss anything financial. Her live in partner is not on the mortgage but he is still living there as a couple. What if they married or decided to move, what happens to his equity then. He does make a lot of excuses for her but I feel she is very manipulative and gets her own way. It is his loyalties I doubt with all of this as surely he should want to secure his own future now.

If I bring the subject up he wont talk about it and gets angry with me but feel he needs to cut these ties in order for us to move on because until he does I don't feel we can. She is always going to be a part of our lives when she needn't be.
  Reply With Quote
Old 23rd November 2012, 02:01 PM   #163
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Why did she divorce him? Was it because she found someone else? There does still seem to be a tie there almost as if there wasn't closure on the situation.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd November 2012, 03:23 PM   #164
crush
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Hi Raymond, as far as I am aware there was no one else on either side. She decided she did not want it anymore and that was it. No I don't believe there was been closure here. She has a long term partner (4 yrs) or more and they live together in the marital home. Originally she wanted a divorce but then took over 5 years to do so. I think it came as a big shock to my bf, he didn't see it coming and still feel that maybe he hasn't gotten answers and had to come to terms with it all. He had to start over from nothing which much have been hard. He had no family locally and yet he moved over an hour away from them to move into a flat. This I never quite understood. He moved nearer to work, but surely his children would have kept him local.?? Wondered if he was "running" away from it all. He says he has no love for her anymore but the fact that he goes over for the day to see his kids and talks over his problems I just see as a bit odd. He goes on his own, I very rarely go as I have my own children to look after.
  Reply With Quote
Old 23rd November 2012, 06:25 PM   #165
Lost
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I am left devastated because he has left

In a way, your bf now has two house holds with two sets of children to deal with.

His share is still in his former marital home where his children are raised by their Mother (i.e.his former wife). He obviously care about his own children so it would be unlikely for him to claim "his share" immediately in order to keep the "relationship" amicable to facilitate his access?

Your bf did not want to discuss re. this share in his children's house no matter how many times you have already raised. It may be less likely for him to change his mind by trying to force the issue - he may have his reason(s) but you could perhaps "guestimate" roughly why by now...

You know by now as to what he would or he wouldn't do and if you don't like what you're getting from him, I suggest you evaluate your situation with him and deliver some loving ultimatum.

Otherwise, you would start to wonder if this relationship with you is just for convenience e.g. gf willing to cover him financially without her asking much in return..? Does he think your children are as precious as his own?
You could think about that..
  Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 02:06 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer