Thank you chosen and Raymond for your replies. It means a lot to be heard as I really have no one to talk to. I will reply to chosen a remarks first and if I don't get to you Raymond tonight, I apologise, I will tomorrow. As with a paranoid partner I have to be careful not to set it off. He is in bed now.
Chosen, I complete see your questioning on why I would marry someone like that. Maybe part of it is to do with the struggle of break up with ex (father of my eldest three). I in part felt guilty because I felt responsible for splitting up the family because I felt that staying with him was worse than not. I found it hard to end it but felt I must. He was happy to be together when not really being a couple. He treated my struggle with social phobia (Didn't find out what it was until I was coming out of it, through pushing myself) terribly. Also he made me feel horrible about myself by lifting the covers of the bed when he thought I was asleep one morning and pulling a face at my naked body and mouthing yuck. So I had issues myself when I got with my husband and he made me feel like a woman and sexy.
Yes, he is incredibly controlling. Maybe there is a part of me that wants to be controlled. Or there was, but it seems my acceptance of it is all for nothing because now I know that he lies and takes drugs secretly, which to Mr is totally disrespecting me and my feelings. I feel that all I have given of myself I have had thrown in my face. I believe in unconditional love. With him there is so many conditions. He has little tests that if they aren't performed to how he wants then you don't really love him. So many issues you wouldn't believe.
When I stand up to him he is utterly thrown and is on the attack. I don't want to argue. When I have to with him he makes sure he never loses. I have no hope of winning any argument. He knows what he is like. I have recently after the drugs incident when I found out, told him his paranoia is a big problem but again he said he needs help with it and has slipped it under the rugby gain.
His previous relationships were a long one, his first serious I think with whom he had a son (who is now 21). She left him for another man who she had been seeing during their relationship when they were still seemingly having a good relationship. He uses this as his back up for accusing me of infidelity also.
He went from girl to girl. The one he was with before me called the police saying that he was trying to rape her. Although when talking to me he thinks rape is terrible etc. I think possibly on drugs he really wouldn't care about yes or nos.
He really does sound horrible when I write this, but at times he is lovely and I think he really does think he's doing the right thing.
Tonight I have never been so embarrassed. He swore loudly and terribly at a lady who had come to see to his disabled brother (who lives with us) alarm care system for interrupting his call on the phone. Horrible it was. I thought that poor woman must want to cry, because I would if I was her.
You wonder why I married him? He wasn't as bad.
He has worsened. He is going to get worse. I didn't know he was going to get worse. I have never married before and it was the happiest day of my life but I didn't realise life would get like this down the line. I'm sinking. I can't die because of my children. So I keep taking a breath.