Hey Guys,
want to say thanks. Thanks ever so much for all your kind words. the past few days have been some what turbulent for me since I went down on Tuesday/Wednesday to 'have it out' with him.
not sure where to start so will try to keep things to the point and relevant. I have had a few large brandies this evening as it seems to be what I've needed. I am now on the chocolate...
Well on Wednesday morning decided to go with the element of surprise so turned up at my hoous at 8.15 am. key wouldn't work so was banging on the door. Got let in to find his 'mate' Jim had kipped over and they were both hungever from getting laggered the night before. Got a load of verbals off Jim but eventually he left.
And there I stayed with H, shouting, talking, yelling, being calm, talking being calm, yelling, crying. For 7 hours. The crux of what he said was this. he doesn't want a divorce.. He knows it would be all too easy to do that and also that he knows that's why I turned up unexpected but he doesn't want that. he said he want's to be friends. Wants to rebuild our friednship and then hopefully 'date' and then hopefully build on that to taking me out or something and then see where that takes us. I said I wasn't sure. He said he can understand that. he said he can't see how it's going to work but feels he doesnt' want to throw us away without trying first. I asked him to kiss me. he did and said he very much liked it. I very much liked it.
i found his phone and messages to some girl (who even has the same name as me!!!!!!!!) so I called her and she had no idea. He snatched the phone back from me and deleted the messages. he said he was sending them to her but hadnt since last sat as he said he felt wrong to do so. promised that he had not met up with her. Said he thought that her having the same name as me was irony - it was fate telling him to sort things out with me because of the same name and also because although he initially thought it would boost his ego he said it actually didn't it made him feel worse.
He said his friends and family would practically disown him if he got back with me!
I saID WHAT THE FLAMING HELL FOR?!
He said they think he is better off without me. I said what the bl00dy hell have i ever done that is that bad? He said nothing, but admitted that he is being a very selfish person. Said he realises now that he has been very selfish. Admitted to not ever being quite honest about his feelings. Admitted to never being able to because he has always been like that. Said he has been pondering as to why he is and has been like that his life and to others. He said that he feels that he needs to sabotage his life so he doesn't succeed.
he said he would like to have a family with me and have a nice house etc. He also said that he feels he is too old and has missed the boat.
he said I looked sexy and I know and he knew he was aroused when we kissed.
I wanted him to want me.
He said he will absolutely definitely call me.
He admitted that over the past few months he has been 'losing the plot' that he knows that a lot of the things he has said and done have been really bizarre. Then goes on to say that it is me. He was crying a lot. Mind you so was i. He said he wants to get a room somewhere on his own because he feels it is best to move out and be on his own for a while. He said that me going on the attack is what puts him off but wants to be friends for a while and then more. Then says he can see why i go on the attack I kept saying I wasn't so sure but again, he kept saying he wants to try as it would be such a waste of our lives.
He said he had been drinking pretty badly and by the look of him I could see that. he looked terrible for him. Said that for two days he didn't eat he just drank alcohol. Asked how I was. I said pretty good considering. He looked happy for me but sad that he wasn't doing so well by comparison.
he said that he thought of going to alcoholics anon a few times but couldn't muster up the courage. Said he had poured a lot of the alcohol down the sink but then couldn't help but buy more.
He talked about that counselling session he had and thought how much he knows is him and his doing.
Please help me because now I am utterly and totally in a place I have no idea even existed.
Do I believe him?
will he call? Hmm well I doubt that. Is this self protection?
Although, I received a text very late last night from him saying 'Goodnight x'
but the pessimist in me thinks maybe that was meant for that other girl.
i text him back this morning saying 'Good morning x' but i haven't heard anything since. I feel stupid for getting my hopes up. Mostly I feel hurt.
I am so stupid and so heartbroken. Surely he would have called me by now?
I have to go down again on Tuesday eve / Wednesday day. I am thinking that if I haven't heard anything from him before then that I will just give it all up.
I am surely better than this and deserve better?
I can't think straight but that might be the brandy.
Does he want our marriage or is it that he doesn't want to let me go?
I thought i was lost before but that isn't a patch on these feelings.