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Old 16th December 2014, 11:47 PM   #1
notDoneYet
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Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

Hi

So I can't believe how many people have heard that line. So much stuff out there I'm beginning to think there is a club or something.

So here is my story. Bit of a background first. I've been with my wife for over 20 years, and for 14 of those years we've been married. And 13 of those 14 years we were happy. And I do mean happy. We have a beautiful 9 year old son who is the apple of our eyes, nice house, good jobs and don't really ask for much. We are both in our early 40's but we're a young 40, we still like to enjoy ourselves. Now, up front here as it's important. I like a beer. Not sprits but beer. Im in no way abusive when I have a beer. I just like it, or so I thought.

One thing my wife and I always had was trust, always. Over the last couple of years she has asked me to cut back on the beer using various tactics. None worked. Don't get me wrong, she likes a drink as well. It's just that I like it a little too much.

Anyway. Just over a year ago her dad died in the most unfortunate surcumstances. I was ther for her and her family. If I'm totally honest it hit me as hard as them but my wife was a real daddies girl.

She also got a really good job. This is important as she thinks I resent that whereas I'm really proud of her. At the start of this year we were still happy, albeit a little stale. We neglected our relationship a bit, both of us did that. Before this we were soul mates. We could tell each other anything. Then, in the summer she started to change. She became cold with me, intimacy stopped almost overnight and we started to argue a lot. That never happened. Our summer holiday was quite stressful. Then, in November after a party she hit me with the bombshell.

I read on another thread and in other places when that line is spoken there is usually someone else involved. Well, there was and it took me all of two seconds to work out who. I seen the signs but convinced myself it was nothing. The new underwire, changing her appearance, the works. And he is so inappropriate for her it's unreal, but that's for later.

During the latter half of the summer before I knew but was really stressed I started drinking even more. I knew something was wrong but didn't want to face the truth.

Once she told me, I did it all wrong. The screaming, shouting, tears. You name it. The only thing I would not do is beg.

I know it was an emotional affair, which in many ways is worse. She's fixated on him and can only see the bad in me. I've since then calmed down, sought help to cut out the drink, and have cut down a lot myself. I'm in this for the long game. I know she wants me to leave but I'm in no hurry so the game is to smarten up my act, not to fight or even bring this subject up. If she wants to talk then so be it. But, like the sticky at the top I don't buy her story. Not one bit. There is something else going on that's she's not saying. She really was that happy for that long.

So what do people think? We're ok at the moment although she can spurn me when I try to engage. It's hard being tough, she's really tough and she won't open up. At least not to me. And probably because I know her better than anyone on the planet. Or at least I thought I did.

So what do people think? Am I waisting my time or do I keep going. I do really love her. Really.
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Old 16th December 2014, 11:56 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

I agree with you that you must not leave, if she wants to separate then let her leave, and I would also suggest that you both get some good marriage counselling. The grass isnt greener and her fantasies are just that, fantasies of what she thinks life will be with this other man. In reality it wont be like that.
In the end you cant force her to do the right thing and give the OM up and cut off all contact, but with effort on your part(as you are already putting in) and some good counseling, there is a chance that she will begin to work on the marriage and remain with her family.
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Old 17th December 2014, 12:02 AM   #3
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

Thanks chosen. Thing is. I think the contact is finished. But she's still in that place. I've suggested counseling but she's not interested. Won't even consider that.
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Old 17th December 2014, 07:46 AM   #4
chosen
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

Would she agree to look for another job elsewhere?You can always go to marriage counseling yourself and get some help as to what to do and how to handle it. Tell her you are going, and that you would love her to come but if not you will go anyway.
Dont even think of leaving, why should you?
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Old 17th December 2014, 09:42 AM   #5
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

Morning Chosen

I don't think she should change jobs. She loves her job and I don't think that's core to the issue. I'll look into the counceling for myself. Thanks. The bit that's bothering me is that I know the bits about me she doesn't like but she won't explore herself. She's projecting and its plane for me to see. She's admited she's changed but in what way we don't know yet. She won't address her limerance, probably doesn't even recognise that this is what she's going through. It's all about me at the moment and I need to own it for now.
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Old 17th December 2014, 06:15 PM   #6
Raymond
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

Isn't she even sorry about the affair? I can't see things progressing until she is. I get the feeling she will blame it on your drinking etc. but that does not justify her unfaithfulness. Somehow she is appears to be thinking you've done wrong when she has got herself into a unfaithful position. It is good that you are dealing with the drinking excess but she needs to deal with her unfaithfulness as well. I hope it is really finished. Can't be much of a person flirting with someone elses wife.
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Old 17th December 2014, 07:29 PM   #7
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

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Originally Posted by notDoneYet View Post
Morning Chosen

I don't think she should change jobs. She loves her job and I don't think that's core to the issue. I'll look into the counceling for myself. Thanks. The bit that's bothering me is that I know the bits about me she doesn't like but she won't explore herself. She's projecting and its plane for me to see. She's admited she's changed but in what way we don't know yet. She won't address her limerance, probably doesn't even recognise that this is what she's going through. It's all about me at the moment and I need to own it for now.
I am sure she could get a similar job elsewhere and then she would be away from the temptation. Are you sure they have stopped the affair? If my husband cheated, my first condition on staying together would be for him to get away from the OW completely.
People who cheat will nearly always blame the other spouse, but it was SHE who choose to cheat, and she must take full responsibility for her actions before anything can be done. It must be very painful for you to not only have a wife who has cheated, but to be blamed for it as well. She doesnt seem sorry or repentant at this time.
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Old 17th December 2014, 07:52 PM   #8
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

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Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
Isn't she even sorry about the affair? I can't see things progressing until she is. I get the feeling she will blame it on your drinking etc. but that does not justify her unfaithfulness. Somehow she is appears to be thinking you've done wrong when she has got herself into a unfaithful position. It is good that you are dealing with the drinking excess but she needs to deal with her unfaithfulness as well. I hope it is really finished. Can't be much of a person flirting with someone elses wife.
Hi Raymond. I don't believe she is, no. When it first came out I got the "I'm sorry, but I did not have sex with this guy" routine. She doesn't accept she's done anything too bad as she didn't sleep with him. That allows her to project all her guilt onto me. And no, he isn't much of a man. 8 years younger, single, good looking and a bit too cool for school. Probably has a string of girls hanging off him.
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Old 17th December 2014, 07:54 PM   #9
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

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I am sure she could get a similar job elsewhere and then she would be away from the temptation. Are you sure they have stopped the affair? If my husband cheated, my first condition on staying together would be for him to get away from the OW completely.
People who cheat will nearly always blame the other spouse, but it was SHE who choose to cheat, and she must take full responsibility for her actions before anything can be done. It must be very painful for you to not only have a wife who has cheated, but to be blamed for it as well. She doesnt seem sorry or repentant at this time.
Hi chosen. She could, but she won't. Not because of him but because she loves it and it offers a great opportunity. As for staying on condition, that's the problem. She's looking for reasons to leave, not stay.
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Old 17th December 2014, 09:58 PM   #10
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

I've had the "speech" delivered to me - it's sucks, I know exactly how you feel. For me, it was just so final, I knew there was nothing I could do to change her mind and I moved out that day.

I think you're doing the best you can with what you've got. She's not sorry and probably thinks that should could leave you and have a better life with him. It probably wouldn't work out but infatuation doesn't allow her to see that.

If I were you, I would really focus on yourself. Take up a new hobby, perhaps join a gym, start swimming, get a new haircut - invest in yourself whilst at the same time trying to be the best dad possible. Is there something you could do with your son or even better, something you could all do together as a family?

You might find that you discover and new side to yourself and in return, that new side is noticed and appreciated by your wife. It's certainly worth a shot.

Unfortunately, I've discovered that relationships can sometimes become a game and it's all about how you play it. Sad really.

Well done for retaining your dignity and not begging, pleading, etc. That was a good thing. You've done nothing wrong, there is never an excuse to step outside of the relationship. Don't try to make sense of nonsense.

Lots of luck.

Last edited by ronnoco; 17th December 2014 at 10:06 PM.
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Old 17th December 2014, 11:26 PM   #11
notDoneYet
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

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Originally Posted by ronnoco View Post
I've had the "speech" delivered to me - it's sucks, I know exactly how you feel. For me, it was just so final, I knew there was nothing I could do to change her mind and I moved out that day.

I think you're doing the best you can with what you've got. She's not sorry and probably thinks that should could leave you and have a better life with him. It probably wouldn't work out but infatuation doesn't allow her to see that.

If I were you, I would really focus on yourself. Take up a new hobby, perhaps join a gym, start swimming, get a new haircut - invest in yourself whilst at the same time trying to be the best dad possible. Is there something you could do with your son or even better, something you could all do together as a family?

You might find that you discover and new side to yourself and in return, that new side is noticed and appreciated by your wife. It's certainly worth a shot.

Unfortunately, I've discovered that relationships can sometimes become a game and it's all about how you play it. Sad really.

Well done for retaining your dignity and not begging, pleading, etc. That was a good thing. You've done nothing wrong, there is never an excuse to step outside of the relationship. Don't try to make sense of nonsense.

Lots of luck.
Thanks ronnoco, that's exactly my plan. Sorry to hear it's not going in your direction right now. How's your relationship with your partner these days? Has it improved? I feel your pain my friend.
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Old 18th December 2014, 09:42 AM   #12
Raymond
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

I think that's probably a good plan ndy. It will help you to seperate a little and maybe it will get her thinking. I expect your trust has been boroken and this will take a long time to mend, but it cannot even be started if she has no qualms about what she has done.

You say you have had many happy years together and one can only hope she will be thinking about that at some point.

When you say she has stopped the affair, is that truly the end of it or is she hankering to carry on?
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Old 18th December 2014, 09:51 AM   #13
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

The problem you have is why she is working at the same place as him, it's never really going to be over. It doesn't work like that. Even if they stopped all the funny business, she'd see him and remember those feelings and so on.

It was 18 months ago for me so i'm well settled now. We agreed on a financial settlement which was drawn up legally. I moved back to the family house and she now rents. I have the children for almost 50% of the time. We get on fine as allies of our children. The first year was tough but it gets easier, especially when you reach acceptance but that can take some time.

Keep up the good work and battle through this storm.
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Old 18th December 2014, 10:52 AM   #14
notDoneYet
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

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Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
I think that's probably a good plan ndy. It will help you to seperate a little and maybe it will get her thinking. I expect your trust has been boroken and this will take a long time to mend, but it cannot even be started if she has no qualms about what she has done.

You say you have had many happy years together and one can only hope she will be thinking about that at some point.

When you say she has stopped the affair, is that truly the end of it or is she hankering to carry on?
Morning Raymond

Thanks for the kind words. Here's were it starts to get interesting. When the bomb shell was first dropped I did it all wrong, just like everyone else. You're not prepared for it. One of the things I did was shoot a couple of warning shots across his bow. No violence you understand, just letting him know the damage he's causing to my family. Now, given the type of persona this person has I recon it's HIM that's backed off. I don't think he wants the hassle. However, I also believe that if I had left she would have went for it, and probably still would if I left tomorrow. Hence the long game. Give it time for her to see the type of person he really is while I mend myself and we will take it from there. Like I said, I need time to sort myself out and I'm in no hurry to leave. Why should I? Still, at this point in time she's still looking at reasons to get rid of me so it's happy face, no arguing and I most definitely won't bring the subject up.
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Old 18th December 2014, 10:56 AM   #15
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

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Originally Posted by ronnoco View Post
The problem you have is why she is working at the same place as him, it's never really going to be over. It doesn't work like that. Even if they stopped all the funny business, she'd see him and remember those feelings and so on.

It was 18 months ago for me so i'm well settled now. We agreed on a financial settlement which was drawn up legally. I moved back to the family house and she now rents. I have the children for almost 50% of the time. We get on fine as allies of our children. The first year was tough but it gets easier, especially when you reach acceptance but that can take some time.

Keep up the good work and battle through this storm.
Hi ronnoco

I know you're right about her working with him, but at this point in time I'm not in a position to make demands. She's not in the negotiating stage. She's done, finished. No more talking. So right now that's not an option. Fingers crossed if she does come back and wants to make a go of it then we will talk about that later.

I'm glad to hear your moving on, and you and your partner are united for your children. I'm still at the very early stages of this and hoping I don't need to do that. Still sticking to the game plan for now.
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