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Old 28th December 2015, 05:44 AM   #1
Dcwyld
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Mental health, marriage and losing it all

I have been married for eleven years now. My wife is eight years older than I and just had her fifty second birthday. For the past four to five years I have believed that the marriage was a mistake, I don't love her like I should. We don't fight, call names or get ugly with each other. Typically she does her thing and I do mine, very rarely do we do anything together unless I suggest it. The truth is I am happy being by myself. I have always had a creative side to me through my music or art and she had no creativity and enjoys watching television. I have a bad problems with maintaining healthy relationships due to a disturbing childhood that honestly I don't think can be salvaged. I have pretty much given up on my blood family, and only really have my wife's side left. At this point in my life I feel like I want to be by myself, but I don't know if that is from a bad pattern of failed relationships or if it's because I feel like I don't love my wife. We have discussed this several times between ourselves but she never wants to end the marriage, and I don't want to leave her in a bad situation financially or without a stable future. Our kids are grown so that isn't an issue. I feel like I need some advise. Every day gets harder and harder to not just walk out the door forever and leave it all behind.
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Old 28th December 2015, 10:20 AM   #2
chosen
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Re: Mental health, marriage and losing it all

Did you mean your promises when you made them?

Last edited by chosen; 28th December 2015 at 11:25 AM.
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Old 28th December 2015, 02:24 PM   #3
Dcwyld
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Re: Mental health, marriage and losing it all

At the time, yes. But I feel changed and not the same person I was twelve years ago.
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Old 28th December 2015, 03:48 PM   #4
chosen
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Re: Mental health, marriage and losing it all

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dcwyld View Post
At the time, yes. But I feel changed and not the same person I was twelve years ago.
So you dont believe that we should keep our promises? We ALL change but marriage promises are made for better and for worse. Many married couples are very different, many couples have different hobbies and interests, most couples dont always have that 'in love' feeling all the time. To a large extent marriage is companionship.

I think that you should maybe seek some help for your childhood issues, maybe counseling. I think that you unhappiness stems from what is in you rather than your marriage, and abandoning you wife isnt going to help that.
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Old 2nd January 2016, 11:24 AM   #5
Raymond
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Re: Mental health, marriage and losing it all

I agree. A lot of problems come from childhood situations that need to be healed. Relationship is so important but very hard to handle if you are not healed. I had a worse childhood than most and had severe relationship problems. I was sexually abused for a year in an orphanage I was in. All these things can be healed and are still being healed. Try not to judge your wife for watching too much television perhaps. She probably has her problems. Marriage can be a great healer if you both work at it. I think you need hope.
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Old 4th January 2016, 11:39 PM   #6
Lindentree1
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Re: Mental health, marriage and losing it all

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dcwyld View Post
I have been married for eleven years now. My wife is eight years older than I and just had her fifty second birthday. For the past four to five years I have believed that the marriage was a mistake, I don't love her like I should. We don't fight, call names or get ugly with each other. Typically she does her thing and I do mine, very rarely do we do anything together unless I suggest it. The truth is I am happy being by myself. I have always had a creative side to me through my music or art and she had no creativity and enjoys watching television. I have a bad problems with maintaining healthy relationships due to a disturbing childhood that honestly I don't think can be salvaged. I have pretty much given up on my blood family, and only really have my wife's side left. At this point in my life I feel like I want to be by myself, but I don't know if that is from a bad pattern of failed relationships or if it's because I feel like I don't love my wife. We have discussed this several times between ourselves but she never wants to end the marriage, and I don't want to leave her in a bad situation financially or without a stable future. Our kids are grown so that isn't an issue. I feel like I need some advise. Every day gets harder and harder to not just walk out the door forever and leave it all behind.
I think you would benefit from some counseling. Leaving your wife will not help this problem. It will follow you unless you get some help. A therapist will help you sort out your feelings. I would not make any decisions regarding your marriage until you can work on your own situation for a bit.

In the meantime, is it possible for you and your wife to plan outings together and potentially rekindle what you had? You won't get closer by doing your own thing. You will get closer if you make each other your priority.
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Old 5th January 2016, 02:43 PM   #7
Petra
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Re: Mental health, marriage and losing it all

Like many things, we figure a lot out and learn a lot as we get older and wiser. Many people marry for the wrong reasons. They do not 'study' the person enough. They are mis-lead by the fatal 'liking what you see' - as opposed to liking what you know. People rush into marriage without taking in the values. Yes you are correct, your past will always follow you but it is up to you as to how you learn to deal with it. Your wife's behaviour may be a reflection of your own -
in other words we get back what we give out, or reap as we shall sow. Try being nice to her and see what reaction you get, it should give you a good insight as to whether or not it is your attitude that's creating the tension. I wish you both well.
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Old 6th January 2016, 11:17 AM   #8
Raymond
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Re: Mental health, marriage and losing it all

I think you might have a point there. Saying things like she has no creativity and just watches television sounds like it could be judging her. We are all creative in different ways even if sometimes it needs encouraging. Thinking like that doesn't encourage you to love her which is the highest priority for a husband. Often the wife is a reflection of the husbands treatment.
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