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Old 3rd June 2015, 10:37 PM   #1366
notDoneYet
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Sorry ralf but I agree with Chosen here. Besides, why be friend zoned? Anyone can be her friend but only one person can be her husband. Done allow yourself to get demoted like that.
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Old 3rd June 2015, 11:20 PM   #1367
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Originally Posted by notDoneYet View Post
Sorry ralf but I agree with Chosen here. Besides, why be friend zoned? Anyone can be her friend but only one person can be her husband. Done allow yourself to get demoted like that.
But my idea was they could perhaps build something again out of friendship--maybe romance could follow. They can't go from 0 to 100. Nothing is working for him at the moment. Why not do something different? It was just an idea. Just maybe not one of my better ones...
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Old 4th June 2015, 04:34 AM   #1368
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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But my idea was they could perhaps build something again out of friendship--maybe romance could follow. They can't go from 0 to 100. Nothing is working for him at the moment. Why not do something different? It was just an idea. Just maybe not one of my better ones...
Dont worry we are all just trying to help
My feeling is that she has made it clear that she isnt coming back, once not that long ago, so I cant see her agreeing to meeting together anyway unless its to get her belongings or something.

Ralf yes we do all need hope, but when our other half has made the decision to leave, we have to stop putting any hope in them, but in a future with other things in it.
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Old 4th June 2015, 09:26 AM   #1369
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

I'm totally confused again now, I think it a potentially good idea with a view to possibly re-building a connection, yes she might reject it and maybe it would hurt again but can I be hurt any more than I have already ?, I cant just keep doing nothing I am in total stalemate here and it is the best idea I have heard of from anyone or thought of myself, LDT is correct "try something different" time to get my thinking cap on but not just yet I will re-visit it either over the weekend or early next week, thanks LDT xx.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 4th June 2015 at 09:51 AM.
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Old 4th June 2015, 10:00 AM   #1370
chosen
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

In your place I would write or email and ask her yet again if there is any hope for the marriage. If she says no again I think you need to leave it there and try and move on.
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Old 4th June 2015, 10:31 AM   #1371
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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In your place I would write or email and ask her yet again if there is any hope for the marriage. If she says no again I think you need to leave it there and try and move on.
Hi Chosen that's too full on for me to do right now, I am going to think over LDT's idea and maybe give that a go first, if that fails then I may dive in head first and ask the marriage question but not right now, obviously I am not going to keep doing it indefinitely and eventually I will just stop trying everything and will detatch, but I can only do that when I'm ready and at my own pace, btw I also want to add that I really do appreciate everyone's advice ad in-put at all times thank you all so much, just because I don't always heed it doesn't mean I don't appreciate it I just wanted to make that clear .

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 4th June 2015 at 11:42 AM.
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Old 4th June 2015, 01:23 PM   #1372
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Hi Chosen that's too full on for me to do right now, I am going to think over LDT's idea and maybe give that a go first, if that fails then I may dive in head first and ask the marriage question but not right now, obviously I am not going to keep doing it indefinitely and eventually I will just stop trying everything and will detatch, but I can only do that when I'm ready and at my own pace, btw I also want to add that I really do appreciate everyone's advice ad in-put at all times thank you all so much, just because I don't always heed it doesn't mean I don't appreciate it I just wanted to make that clear .
I guess that if you do write and she either doesnt reply or comes back saying she doesnt want to meet you as friends, that will be your answer wont it.
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Old 4th June 2015, 01:47 PM   #1373
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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I guess that if you do write and she either doesnt reply or comes back saying she doesnt want to meet you as friends, that will be your answer wont it.
I have even been thinking about ringing her work mobile to see if she has 5 minutes for a chat just to test the water, I probably won't though I need to keep my nerve and not do anything at all by way of contact until after Sunday at least or if at all.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 4th June 2015 at 02:24 PM.
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Old 4th June 2015, 03:50 PM   #1374
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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I have even been thinking about ringing her work mobile to see if she has 5 minutes for a chat just to test the water, I probably won't though I need to keep my nerve and not do anything at all by way of contact until after Sunday at least or if at all.
Let us know what you decide. Maybe you're right about not making any decisions until after Sunday. Right now emotions may be high because of the date nearing. Making decisions when things have calmed down a bit may be better.
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Old 4th June 2015, 04:21 PM   #1375
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Let us know what you decide. Maybe you're right about not making any decisions until after Sunday. Right now emotions may be high because of the date nearing. Making decisions when things have calmed down a bit may be better.
Emotions are not just a bit high but a bit confused too because I'm not 100% sure what to do for the best at the moment, I was talking to my best man earlier and he also suggested that I don't say or do anything at all until I have got sunday out of the way, my heart says go for her heart my head says do nothing just stay quiet and let her get on with it without me after all NC means NC regardless if it works or not, must admit I was very tempted to ring her earlier, I think I have just figured it out, she will be expecting me to contact her I'm sure of that now so I won't I think.
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Old 4th June 2015, 07:11 PM   #1376
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Ok well curiosity got the better of me, I waited until well after she would of finished work and rang her work mobile as I have had a gut feeling something was going on, I hid my number with 141 but I knew at this time in the evening she wouldn't of answered anyway, all very odd she has left a personal voicemail stating that this mobile number is no longer in use and directing the caller to their office landlines, now she is still using her married name which surprised me a bit because this was the perfect opportunity for her to revert to her maiden name had she so wished but she hasn't and I admit I am shocked by that I honestly would of thought she would of reverted back to be the same as the rest of her family but no she is still using my sir name which of course I am pleased about, this also means she never got my text the other night so that explains that, I wonder what's going on ?, she hasn't done this because of me because I haven't rang her in months so it's not to avoid me mmmmmmmmmm curios now, any ideas anyone ?.
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Old 4th June 2015, 07:25 PM   #1377
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Ok well curiosity got the better of me, I waited until well after she would of finished work and rang her work mobile as I have had a gut feeling something was going on, I hid my number with 141 but I knew at this time in the evening she wouldn't of answered anyway, all very odd she has left a personal voicemail stating that this mobile number is no longer in use and directing the caller to their office landlines, now she is still using her married name which surprised me a bit because this was the perfect opportunity for her to revert to her maiden name had she so wished but she hasn't and I admit I am shocked by that I honestly would of thought she would of reverted back to be the same as the rest of her family but no she is still using my sir name which of course I am pleased about, this also means she never got my text the other night so that explains that, I wonder what's going on ?, she hasn't done this because of me because I haven't rang her in months so it's not to avoid me mmmmmmmmmm curios now, any ideas anyone ?.
Probably her effort to cut all the ties? She has now changed both of her phones hasnt she? I wouldnt expect her to change her name when you are still married. I never changed my name and nor did my husbands ex (even though she said she was going to).
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Old 4th June 2015, 07:47 PM   #1378
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Probably her effort to cut all the ties? She has now changed both of her phones hasnt she? I wouldnt expect her to change her name when you are still married. I never changed my name and nor did my husbands ex (even though she said she was going to).
Hi Chosen you are a treasure I knew you were going to say something like that lol, but no that's just the point she can't just ask the NHS for a new mobile on a whim it doesn't work like that, what they get is what they are given and have to stick with it until it falls to pieces or blows up or something, in fact one of the very last times we spoke months ago now I mentioned that somebody had rang for her and she said thanks for that if anyone rings just give them my works mobile number it's ok, nope this is nothing to do with me I haven't rang her for 3 or 4 months, her personal number yes we have already talked about that, but her work mobile no too many clients and colleagues etc have that she couldn't change it just like that she has to be professional and think about work first above personal issues and on this occasion I'm not a personal issue, something's definitely a-foot and I don't mean the booty boney things in my socks,I wonder if she has been withdrawn from the community and is now office based for some reason ? if so she could lose her lease car too, I had heard rumours about big changes and even redundancies within her NHS trust time to get my detectives hat on, but I can have some fun with this, I think one day next week I will drop her an e-mail and tell her that I need to speak to her urgently and can she please give me a call, she will ask me by email what its all about as she always takes the bait on that sort of thing but I won't reply and it will really mess with her head with the curiosity, it's a shame when relationships become a game but she hasn't been too fair with me of late so now it's her turn to have her head messed with, with regards her still using her married name well that really has surprised me I honestly thought at the first available opportunity she would of reverted to her maiden name D or no D or do what a lot of people do and go double barrelled, it obviously still means something to her, I have also spotted something else but I can't say what that is unfortunately.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 4th June 2015 at 08:42 PM.
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Old 4th June 2015, 10:44 PM   #1379
chosen
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

In my experience ralf not many women do revert to their maiden names after a divorce. I cant only think of one lady who did that out of many.

Maybe she has a different job there as you say. She did say she wasnt happy in her job, so maybe a less stressful office based job came up.
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Old 4th June 2015, 10:53 PM   #1380
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Ok ralf. What's the lesson here? The simplest explanations are the most likely to be true? So, what do you want to do with that info? You tell me? A year in. A YEAR. We both need to just get outa town. They ain't coming back. Let's walk away together with our heads held high.
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