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Old 4th October 2015, 06:46 AM   #751
melly997
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

He's just come & picked up everything he owns. When I asked him if it was definitely over he said yes. I asked him to talk to me but he said its too late for that he's happier & better on his own. I gave him a hug & begged him not to leave me. He didn't hug me back he actually pushed me away. He then gave me the house key back & left. It feels like a knife in my heart all over again. He said he'll be in touch during the week. I guess this is to tell me that he's transferring all the bills in his name to me.
I am devastated. Completely & utterly devastated. How did this all go so horribly wrong. How could he be so callous & cruel.
How can it be too late to fix something you didn't even try to fix?
Maybe people were right when they said there's probably someone else.
So many questions that I'll never know the answer to
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Old 4th October 2015, 10:38 AM   #752
ralfgarnett
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by melly997 View Post
He's just come & picked up everything he owns. When I asked him if it was definitely over he said yes. I asked him to talk to me but he said its too late for that he's happier & better on his own. I gave him a hug & begged him not to leave me. He didn't hug me back he actually pushed me away. He then gave me the house key back & left. It feels like a knife in my heart all over again. He said he'll be in touch during the week. I guess this is to tell me that he's transferring all the bills in his name to me.
I am devastated. Completely & utterly devastated. How did this all go so horribly wrong. How could he be so callous & cruel.
How can it be too late to fix something you didn't even try to fix?
Maybe people were right when they said there's probably someone else.
So many questions that I'll never know the answer to
Dear Melly I am so sorry you are going through this today, if its any consolation there are many of us on here that feel exactly as you do and my thoughts and prayers are with you today, I know how that utter feeling of desolution completely guts you and knocks the stuffing out of you, are you in the UK Melly ? I cant remember if you said you were or not, thinking of you and yes they are callous and cruel I don't know how they can treat us innocent LBS this way.
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Old 4th October 2015, 11:04 AM   #753
melly997
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Thanks Ralf. I live in Australia

Last edited by melly997; 4th October 2015 at 11:24 AM.
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Old 4th October 2015, 11:21 AM   #754
melly997
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

While all his things were here there was still a chance we could reconnect ( at least in my mind).
I sent him a text 2 weeks ago & he replied with a text saying he appreciated the words & sentiments but he kept contact sparse until he felt comfortable with himself. It foolishly gave me hope because at no stage had he said he didn't love me or told me to leave him alone. Now in that time he's decided that it's all over & it's too late to fix it. Nowhere in this whole thing has there been any discussion or communication. I have sent supportive texts, not been nasty & not forced anything; I kept holding on to hope that we would talk & agree to try again. But no, he has decided for both of us it's definitely over with no compromise or attempt to see if we could reconcile.
Everything was calculated for him to get in & out with minimal fuss. He turned up, said he wanted to get his things, loaded the car he borrowed, gave me the key, then left. In 15 minutes it was all over & I was left shell shocked to deal the suddenness of it all. My head is still reeling & I still have no answers. This was planned before he unexpectedly was at the front door because his key was in his pocket not on his key ring.
Yesterday I sent him a text saying I'd dropped a concert ticket off at the pub for next week that I purchased for him before this whole mess. I got word back from a friend that approximately 30 minutes later he picked it up. I foolishly took this as a good sign. Only fool in this has been me for thinking he was a better person than this.
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Old 4th October 2015, 03:24 PM   #755
notDoneYet
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Hi Melly

Ok, this blows. But it is what it is. What you need to do now is become strong. It's a weird world being here but take it from someone that knows. You will be ok. You will get stronger. It's hard. Very hard when the one you love turns their back on you but they did. And you have to accept that.

It's sad that you don't get to participate in the choices they make. You didn't want your M to end. Neither did I, nor Ralf nor LDT. But it did. It's over.

Get strong. Get a life. Get moving forward. It's the only way to save yourself.

The best chance you stand right now is to save yourself first and foremost.

Try not to reminisce, renumirate and go round in circles. You will constantly ask yourself 'what could I have done different'? The answer is nothing.

This isn't about you, it's about them. This is there problem.


I wish you all the best.

Peace
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Old 4th October 2015, 04:40 PM   #756
ralfgarnett
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Aye oop NDY me old China, yes its about getting stronger but that aint easy, baby baby steps, and your also correct about it being their problem, but by their actions they create our problems, this is far from easy, I am back in blighty today and my head is totally stuck up my rear end, thinking about her, the coups des gras, the quiet empty house, how could she ?, poor Melly sounds a bit like our pal LDT that she had hope and now the lousy low life b-stard has dumped on her from a great height the poor lass, everything in time she needs to go through the grieving process that you, LDT, and me are going through, how long does that last ?, who knows some say its dependant on the closeness and age of the R or our strength to accept and cope, but Melly take your time love there are no set rules or timescales just be gentle and take care of yourself the best you can.
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Old 4th October 2015, 05:21 PM   #757
Lindentree1
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

I'm so sorry, Melly. I see you had some hope and he came over and dashed it. You are frustrated that he didn't even try to fix it. I know how it feels. I asked my husband to go to counseling when he agreed to put our divorce on hold last December and he refused. I could not believe he wouldn't try to fix us after so many years.

Please take care of yourself and talk to your friends that care. And come here whenever you want. It may not feel like it now, but someday you will be okay. Hugs to you.
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Old 4th October 2015, 06:28 PM   #758
notDoneYet
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Hi Ralf

The grieving process takes as long as it needs to. We are all individuals after all. Yes, Mell just like the rest of us have been bumped on. Big style. And it's sh!t but there you go. Like you say baby steps and the first step is acceptance. Once you accept they aren't coming back you can begin to heal. It's tough but it's also necessary. Hope Mell understands this because she's at the very beginning. And that's not a nice place as we all know.

Mell, from the northern hemisphere we are all here for you. Start a thread and rant and rave and allow all the negative feelings out because trust me, THIS is the hardest thing you will ever do.
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Old 4th October 2015, 08:20 PM   #759
ralfgarnett
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

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Originally Posted by notDoneYet View Post
Hi Ralf

The grieving process takes as long as it needs to. We are all individuals after all. Yes, Mell just like the rest of us have been bumped on. Big style. And it's sh!t but there you go. Like you say baby steps and the first step is acceptance. Once you accept they aren't coming back you can begin to heal. It's tough but it's also necessary. Hope Mell understands this because she's at the very beginning. And that's not a nice place as we all know.

Mell, from the northern hemisphere we are all here for you. Start a thread and rant and rave and allow all the negative feelings out because trust me, THIS is the hardest thing you will ever do.
Aye big yin I agree with you, life is shet sometimes, this is one of those gut wrenching ghastly times, there is nothing worse than the end of a significant R that one loves so fecking much especially when one didn't see it coming, personally after 14 months I really don't know how much more I can take, god only knows how melly is feeling but I think we know slightly, personally if I could go to bed tonight and never wake up then I would sign up right now.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 4th October 2015 at 08:37 PM.
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Old 9th October 2015, 10:40 AM   #760
ralfgarnett
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Hi LDT, just thinking, a few weeks ago you mentioned your birthday being approximately 2.5 weeks away, judging by my calculations then I reckon it might be some time over this weekend, if my sums are correct then I would like to wish you many happy returns for which ever day it is, and I hope that you have the happiest birthday that you can possibly have, it's the least you deserve xx and if I'm right then this is for you https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aff9S_DOvtQ

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 9th October 2015 at 11:27 AM.
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Old 9th October 2015, 02:39 PM   #761
Lindentree1
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
Hi LDT, just thinking, a few weeks ago you mentioned your birthday being approximately 2.5 weeks away, judging by my calculations then I reckon it might be some time over this weekend, if my sums are correct then I would like to wish you many happy returns for which ever day it is, and I hope that you have the happiest birthday that you can possibly have, it's the least you deserve xx and if I'm right then this is for you https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aff9S_DOvtQ
Thanks, Ralf. You are so kind.
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Old 31st October 2015, 12:55 AM   #762
Lindentree1
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Today I went and bought a new cell phone with a new number. All this time I was letting WH pay for my cell because I was on his plan. Now I will be paying my own bill. Today I asserted my independence. It feels good.

I have been putting off this divorce because I was angry at WH, and I wasn't ready to accept it was over. I knew it was over but I did not want to face reality. Reality was too painful. By putting off the divorce it meant I could keep denying reality.

I am tired. And I can't do this anymore. I was going to drag this out in part so he couldn't move on. I wanted to waste his time the way he wasted mine by giving me false hope for months that we could get back together. That's how angry and hurt I was. I am still angry and hurt, but I am feeling like I need to let this go.
I need to let this go for my own sake and sanity. I can't do a lengthy battle, and I can't keep running away from the truth.

I am going to try to settle this out of court. We are still going to use lawyers, but we are going to try back and forth negotiating. Yes, I am going to try and settle. If we don't agree, court is still an option. The thing is if we drag this to court it could cost quite a bit. It's much cheaper to settle. I know exactly what I want out of this marriage and since we have no children and sold our house there are only a few things to agree on.

I'm still hurting, I can't lie. But I can't keep up this battle. I am only hurting myself in the end. I need to let this go so I can move on with my life. I could probably stretch this out for another year but why? So he doesn't move on? He will move on whether it is now or a year from now. Does it really make a difference in the end?

I am raw inside and still cry at times but I am ready to face my future and let my past go. I can't change the fact that I lost my marriage, but I can't be so bitter and sad that I can't have a future. Things need to change for me, and they will only change when I accept what is.

Last edited by Lindentree1; 31st October 2015 at 05:04 AM.
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Old 31st October 2015, 11:00 AM   #763
chosen
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Acceptance is vital LT and you have got there. By cutting all the ties you can move on unemcumbered and make a afresh start. Good for you. There is little point in trying to hang onto what has gone, it merely prevents you from being free. As you say, bitterness and hanging on wont help you and wont make a difference to him.

Make sure you get legal advise all along the way even if you try and agree between you, you need to know what you are entitled to.
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Old 31st October 2015, 03:00 PM   #764
ralfgarnett
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
Today I went and bought a new cell phone with a new number. All this time I was letting WH pay for my cell because I was on his plan. Now I will be paying my own bill. Today I asserted my independence. It feels good.

I have been putting off this divorce because I was angry at WH, and I wasn't ready to accept it was over. I knew it was over but I did not want to face reality. Reality was too painful. By putting off the divorce it meant I could keep denying reality.

I am tired. And I can't do this anymore. I was going to drag this out in part so he couldn't move on. I wanted to waste his time the way he wasted mine by giving me false hope for months that we could get back together. That's how angry and hurt I was. I am still angry and hurt, but I am feeling like I need to let this go.
I need to let this go for my own sake and sanity. I can't do a lengthy battle, and I can't keep running away from the truth.

I am going to try to settle this out of court. We are still going to use lawyers, but we are going to try back and forth negotiating. Yes, I am going to try and settle. If we don't agree, court is still an option. The thing is if we drag this to court it could cost quite a bit. It's much cheaper to settle. I know exactly what I want out of this marriage and since we have no children and sold our house there are only a few things to agree on.

I'm still hurting, I can't lie. But I can't keep up this battle. I am only hurting myself in the end. I need to let this go so I can move on with my life. I could probably stretch this out for another year but why? So he doesn't move on? He will move on whether it is now or a year from now. Does it really make a difference in the end?

I am raw inside and still cry at times but I am ready to face my future and let my past go. I can't change the fact that I lost my marriage, but I can't be so bitter and sad that I can't have a future. Things need to change for me, and they will only change when I accept what is.
Dear LDT, this is one of the most moving things I have read in a very long time and has moved me to tears, I feel your pain and I admire your resolve and fantastic inner strength, god bless you and watch over you always.
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Old 31st October 2015, 04:35 PM   #765
Lindentree1
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
Acceptance is vital LT and you have got there. By cutting all the ties you can move on unemcumbered and make a afresh start. Good for you. There is little point in trying to hang onto what has gone, it merely prevents you from being free. As you say, bitterness and hanging on wont help you and wont make a difference to him.

Make sure you get legal advise all along the way even if you try and agree between you, you need to know what you are entitled to.
Thank you, Chosen. You're right. I can't move I if I keep hanging on to all this. Yes, I definitely will be working with my lawyer all the way.
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