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Old 1st November 2004, 12:41 AM   #1
gentlechimes
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Question denial

I have been married 25 years. Recently my husband has been secretative in phone calls at home. He is angry most of the time but says nothing is wrong, or we can talk about it later. We never do as there never seems to be a time he is available to talk. I am lost what to do, what to pray. Any ideas?
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Old 1st November 2004, 08:45 PM   #2
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Re: denial

Dear Gentlechimes

25 years is a long time and you are both mature adults. Is there anybody who can help you get the dialogue started? An outsider like a vicar or counsellor would be best but a family member could do it at a pinch. Your husband's refusal to talk is both discourteous and unreasonable.

Cast your mind back and see if you can locate when the anger started. I'm assuming this is free-floating anger rather than something specific about you

All you are pointing out is that:

You have been married for 25 years and know when something is wrong, as evidenced by furtive phone calls, refusals to talk etc.

You are not a mind reader; if something is wrong and needs addressing, then you are entitled to know what is unsatisfactory so that you can fix it if it is in your power to do so.

If it is not you that is the source of his anger, then you would like to to address the associated behaviours (silence, furtive phone calls etc.) which are making you feel uncomfortable and unloved.

Finally, if your husband is doing something which makes him feel guilty, then the way to deal with that is to stop doing the thing which he finds difficult to deal with. Projecting that anger on to you will not make it 'right' or transfer it to being 'your fault'.

I'm sorry it sounds so brutal, but you may have to ask to compare diaries with your H to say that you want to allocate a specific time when he is able to talk, preferably within the next few days. One really should not have to make appointments with one's husband, but it you may have to make it explicit that you are willing to talk and he must accept responsibility for a refusal to do so.

Example "I'm available on Wednesday afternoon, Friday morning, and all day Sunday? Can you make any of those? No, OK, when do you have a gap in the next week - I'll re-arrange to make it. You don't have a gap in the next week? OK, then what about the week after? No, I don't want to come back to this later, I am your wife of 25 years and would like you to arrange this with me now."

I'm sure you are a reasonable person, so be as accommodating as possible but assertive - you have a serious concern and discussing it is a fair request. Apologise for resorting to the diary, but explain that it is very important to you.

I'm sorry this is so easy to say and so very, very difficult to do.
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