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Old 28th March 2005, 10:40 PM   #1
whattodo?
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Christian Counsel needed please

My wife has had several years of mental health problems and I have helped her throught hese many complicated issues. She is a 'non practising Christian' and around 4 years her GP suggested/cursed that we split up as he reckoned she would be better by herself out of family life.

Ever since then she has wanted to seperate, until recently, on the last occassion, she tipped me over the edge and I have now accepted this is probably inevitable. She has also been mentally abusive over the years to me and the children.

I am very aware what scripture says about marriage and I want to do what God wants not me.

Has anyone any wisdom on this, we have been married for 22 years and have 1 child, 14 still at home - help, trying to get as much counsel as possible before any actions taken.

Thanks
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Old 29th March 2005, 10:23 AM   #2
Concerned Reader
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Re: Christian Counsel needed please

Dear Whattodo

I'm sorry, I can't offer any credible Christian advice as I am not suitably qualifed. However, I can offer one comment which I think may be important in your position.

You wrote that "4 years (ago) her GP suggested/cursed that we split up as he reckoned she would be better by herself out of family life."

Now, unless you were in the room a the time and can verify what was said, I do not think this sounds like any statement a GP would make except if faced with a patient being beaten black and blue. In which case, the GP would most likely have called in the social workers if there were children involved.

Therefore, I would treat the statement as something more in her mind than the GP's, but you could make forceful comments to the surgery that they must be very, very careful not to say anything which your W may misinterpret.

In general terms, I don't think withdrawal from a family is a good idea for those with mental health problems - most practioners seem to write about the need to maintain an anchor, a context, a set of people to whom one has more than contingent connection. But that is just my view and I have met several people who swear that they manage better alone. Humm...they don't often looks as if they are doing super-well to me but their opinion has to be the operative one.

You mention that your Child is 14 and therefore can probably understand to some degree the tensions that your W is under. Obviously, it isn't ideal, but (speaking from limited experience here) so long as one parent remains stable and the situation is not allowed to slip in to the child carrying the burden of care, it can be bounced over with the brio of youth.

(From experience, the only seriously damaging part of a similar situation was the accusation that, as a child, I was directly responsible for my parent's mental health problems. Certainly, I was as difficult as any teenager, but I became more angry and uncooperative at being cast as the scapegoat. I still fume at that and the accusation caused trouble, damaging relationships beyond the actual illness, for many years.)

I once asked a devout Catholic when it would be a sin to stay married and he carefully replied that if it were done not for love, but mostly to inconvenience the partner (in otherwords, out of spite) then he thought that might be difficult to explain on Judgement day.

But he wasn't qualifed either, and I only repeat it because it was an interesting point of view.

For my part, if your W has mental health problems, scripture or no scripture, I can't see that it is in her interests to leave a functioning family. Is it possible for you to discuss this with a qualified health worker in a confidential way to try to get an objective feel for what might, or might not be best in this dreadfully difficult situation?

You do have to think about your own interests and that of the child. Maybe these things are not so much about absolutes as balancing the interests of everyone involved.

I hope the situation begins to stablize soon.
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Old 29th March 2005, 11:45 AM   #3
Liz
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Re: Christian Counsel needed please

Dear Whattodo,

Concerned Reader speaks with a lot of wisdom in what she has said.

We have had some contact with people in similar situations to yours and my heart goes out to you. It can be very difficult to support someone with mental health issues as a friend, let alone as a spouse. There are places where you can find support as the "carer" in this situation see here.

Were you actually present when the GP spoke to your wife about getting out of family life, or did she recount what was said? Is it possible that she could have misunderstood? However, from our own experience, I know how these comments can be latched on to, by vulnerable people struggling with mental health or emotional problems. As Concerned Reader says, people who are mentally ill need supportive relationships rather than isolation. I would suggest that you both need more supportive people around you rather than fewer. Do you have those sort of people around you, in your family among your neighbours and your church.

At a spiritual level, it can be hard to discern the spiritual and the physiological roots of mental illness. You are obviously concerned about the power of the words spoken to your wife by her GP. I do believe that such power can be broken through prayer and that truths from scripture can also be used in prayer for difficult situations. Do you have people who can pray in this way with you and for you? If not and you would like to know where you can seek that help then do contact us directly.

I pray that you will be given the wisdom and grace that you need at this time and for the future.

Liz
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Old 29th March 2005, 09:50 PM   #4
whattodo?
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Smile Re: Christian Counsel needed please

Thank you both - reply.

The Doctor definitely did say this to her, I spoke to him on the phone and he said he would not discuss this through client confidentiality. Prayer wise i have had prayer support about breaking this curse spoken over our marriage. I have also 'come out' about our problems which has been a huge relief.

We have tried couselling - my wife cancelled all the next appointments! She is under the care of the local mental health authority and has very specific issues OCD, aneorexia and suicidal depression, plus was diagnosed with aspergers syndrome in the summer. She is on medication, but is now trying to wean herself off.

Our 14 year old knows Mum is unwell, but we keep all away from her and has an older sister who supports her as she knows how mum can be. She is a well adjusted child considering the hardship she has had to put up with - she is not blamed and knows all is well with her.

God's grace and wisdom are very much needed and I surrender this marriage to him every day. There does come a time where the relationship can block the one you have with God and I hope and pray he can break down this barrier.

Again thanks for the counsel so far, any more keep it coming!!
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Old 31st March 2005, 04:59 PM   #5
Liz
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Re: Christian Counsel needed please

Dear Whattodo,

I am glad that you have such good prayer support in such difficult circumstances. It must sometimes seem as if your prayers are not being answered, and there are no easy answers to the why and how of what you are going through. I think each of us have to find our way through to a deeper dependence on God when life is tough, but it does help to have others alongside us. I have found that watching someone else struggling with big issues in their lives and trying to stand with them is a humbling experience. If we can't offer much in the way of specific advice at the moment I hope you will value the listening ear we offer.

There are lots of promises in God's word to hold on to and many places like the psalms where we can find expression of human emotions with which we can identify and find comfort. I hope they will be a blessing to you as you face the days ahead.

Liz
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Old 5th April 2005, 11:51 AM   #6
whattodo?
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Talking Re: Christian Counsel needed please

Good news! Praise God - my Wife has given me a 100% commitment to stay together. We had some frank and honest discussions over the weekend and God specifically challenged me to forgive her, and I have. He also spoke to me in a book called, Divorce - Hope for the hurting by Frank Retief - a very easy read, and to the point.

Thank you for your prayers and counsel.

Mark

Last edited by Dave; 5th April 2005 at 09:55 PM. Reason: Link added
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