is my marriage over?

Hi, sorry this is a long one. I have tried to edit it to make is shorter but writing isn’t my thing!

I have been with my husband for 10 years and married for 8, we have two children.
We have never had it easy with a disabled child and an unsupportive family on his side and we live far away from my family, although we have these issues we have always managed to get through them by sticking together.

About 2 years ago my husband became good friends with a woman, at first I was happy for him but as they grew closer we grew apart, I told my husband I felt uneasy about their friendship, but he assured me there was nothing to worry about. I always trusted my husband 100% and never thought he would ever betray or lie to me, turns out they shared a kiss on a night out that of course I wasn’t invited too. I know it was only a kiss, obviously I’m not happy about it but got over it pretty quickly, what really hurt was that I found out months after from someone else, my husband didn’t even apologise to me until I demanded it from him, he refused to stop seeing her. I feel that I did everything I could to save our marriage while he did nothing; he is no longer involved with her as she chose to end the friendship to save her own relationship.

For the next couple of years we stayed together it was far from perfect, he was never the same and I couldn’t trust him, we have been growing further and further apart and a couple of months ago we split up and he moved out, we were apart for 2 weeks but then both decided we would try again, we have been getting on really well, him coming to the house for cosy nights in and staying most weekends and we even went out last weekend and brought a new bed together which he paid for. But he won’t move back in with me, he says he still loves me but he wants it to be 100% perfect first. Am I wrong in thinking this is just a cop out and he is having the best of both worlds, coming home when he feels like it and going out to get drunk with his mates at any opportunity?

On Tuesday I decided I had had enough and I couldn’t do this anymore, I am really struggling with personal care of our 7 year old severely disabled daughter (he did most of this as she is too big and strong for me) I text him he needs to make his mind up what he wants before the end of the week otherwise we are over, he didn’t even reply to me. The next day after not hearing from him I text him again about the kids which then turned into an argument about him leading me on and me telling him I can’t carry on the way we are and I has basically lost me and again he didn’t reply to that and we just carried on arguing

He will not go out of his way to make me feel important or loved. He has gone out tonight with his mates even though I asked him to babysit as I had something important to do but he wouldn’t even do that for me.

He is an amazing dad to both of our children and i know he will continue to be around for them as much as possible and will pay child support. He has babysat every other time i have asked him too apart from tonight.

i really dont know how i will cope without him, we dont get any restbite or have no family around. My daughter is beautiful but she is also very hard to cope with and requires constant care


Am I just fighting a losing battle with him? I still love him and don’t want to give up on 10 years together but I don’t feel he is so invested.

thanks

[Forever]

You are under a ton of stress and he is the one keeping you pinned under it. Dangling a carrot over your head for the marriage to be "perfect" while he lives apart, comes and goes for sex, and does his guy thing is leaving you to deal with a lack of trust. While that works just fine for him, what is that doing for your ability to adjust to living as a single mom with a disabled daughter?

Do you hang onto him for financial reasons...are you really afraid of losing him or the "support" he brings to the table? Are you confusing the one thing for love?

Is there no support groups available for you to join in regards to your daughter? Do you have friends?

[Helen_uk]

Mumoftwo,

You say he's an amazing dad........ but an amazing dad also supports the mother of his children by being there for her as well as them. Yet tonight, when you had something important to do , he's out drinking with his mates .... He shouldn't be baby sitting, baby sitting is something OTHER PEOPLE do for your kids. What he should be doing is being there for them and sharing in their upbringing . ... Whether he is living there or not !

Living with a disabled child is hard work ( I have an autistic son ) , if you get no respite from it or have another person there to share the load it just adds to the stress.

Have you looked to see if there is any respite care for your daughter in your area ? There maybe groups for support , or even temporary residential places available for her so you can have a break. Of course ideally her dad should be offering to give you a break !

Do I think he's having his cake and eating it ? Honestly ? Yes I do .

You can't make the marriage work on your own, he won't even answer when you accuse him of leading you on , to me that shows that is in fact what he's doing .

It can't be good for the children to have a dad who treats the home like a hotel either . I wonder how he'd cope if you were the one coming and going and disappearing out with mates for drinks when you felt like it ?

I think you have to ask yourself what you're getting from this relationship and then go from there .

[Chamomile]

Hi

I have heard that a marital breakdown happens more often when there's someone with a disability in the household.

I wasn't sure what your daughter's condition was? Is she in a wheelchair?

Sounds more like your H has walked out on you? I should think you would probably need to hire someone to babysit her when you need to do your own things. If you cannot lift your daughter then again, you may need to hire someone who can etc? Sounds like your H is willing to provide his child support so that's a good thing.

Is there any development since?