sex addict husband

I am a 51 yo woman that has been married to my husband for 23 years. I know he is into ponography on the internet, and God knows what else on there. This is no big surprise, as this has been going on since I have known him in one form or another. I don't believe he has actually ever had an affair. He use to call 900 numbers before he got on the internet. In the early years of our marriage, I use to get so upset, and have even left him a couple of times but came back, when he swore he would quit and he loved me. I really think he loves me, and I have gotten so I just ignore what he does. It would be easy for me to leave now as our children have left home. I could go to my daughters, or somewhere. He provides very well for me and we have a yacht on a lake, and a nice home. I work only two days a week at a hospital, and help my daughter with her triplets the other days.
We have a good sex life, and he says I satisfy him. So why does he do this? He says he doesn't have a problem and would never see a counceler. Should I leave? It still hurts me but not as much as before. Sometimes I think I have no feelings left for anyone or anybody. I have abused drugs, (prescription), and do so on occasions, and also alcohol, but not very often. I do this just to zone out I suppose. Any suggestions?

[Liz]

Your husband must be addicted in some form or other if he is continuing to view this stuff even though he knows that it upsets you. There is a good site both for those involved in this and for their partners that you might find worth a visit.

For your own sake you might consider help if your own substance abuse is affecting your health. Does your husband really know how unhappy you are and the effect his behaviour is having. I know you mantion that you used to get upset, but now it must seem to him that you don't mind - he doesn't necessarily see the pain inside you. Is there a calm way you can tell him - perhaps a carefully worded letter left for him to read somewhere - a letter that shares where you are without openly blaming him.

Surely it's worth trying to communicate about it, rather than considering leaving him again.

All the best

Liz

To see if he is reall a sex addict give him this test from sexaholics Anonymous

Test Yourself


Have you ever thought you needed help for your sexual thinking or behavior?


That you'd be better off if you didn't keep "giving in"?


That sex or stimuli are controlling you?


Have you ever tried to stop or limit doing what you felt was wrong in your sexual behavior?


Do you resort to sex to escape, relieve anxiety, or because you can't cope?


Do you feel guilt, remorse or depression afterward?


Has your pursuit of sex become more compulsive?


Does it interfere with relations with your spouse?


Do you have to resort to images or memories during sex?


Does an irresistible impulse arise when the other party makes the overtures or sex is offered?


Do you keep going from one "relationship" or lover to another?


Do you feel the "right relationship" would help you stop lusting, masturbating, or being so promiscuous?


Do you have a destructive need -- a desperate sexual or emotional need for someone?


Does pursuit of sex make you careless for yourself or the welfare of your family or others?


Has your effectiveness or concentration decreased as sex has become more compulsive?


Do you lose time from work for it?


Do you turn to a lower environment when pursuing sex?


Do you want to get away from the sex partner as soon as possible after the act?


Although your spouse is sexually compatible, do you still masturbate or have sex with others?


Have you ever been arrested for a sex-related offense?

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Reprinted with permission of SA Literature.

© 1997-2003 Sexaholics Anonymous Inc.




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Your husband will not get over his addiction to porn by himself! Buy him the book: "Every Man's Battle" by Steve Artteburn (sp?) and get him to an Every Man's Battle workshop (look at Newlife.com for info).

Pornography is addicting, it is progressive for most men. Go to the link:
http://www.protectkids.com/effects/...ofaddiction.htm
and understand the problem better.

Do NOT EVER allow your husband to make love to you while watching porn. He is lusting after other women! Lust is adultery, so the Bible says! Your husband should never need other women to turn him on. NEVER! If he didn't marry you for love and because you were beautiful to him, then you have no marriage. But for him to only want perfect bodies is not love!

Porn is dangerous and destructive and it WILL destroy your marriage IF YOU ALLOW IT! DON'T!!! Do whatever it takes--and I mean WHATEVER--to get your husband off porn. He doesn't need it--he's just addicted. But he won't get off it by himself and you are going to have to stand up for what is right when he cannot. Be willing to go to whatever lengths it takes to get him away from this addiction.

And you having surgery because of HIS fantasies??? I would wish you would not! A tummy and other effects after childbirth are quite normal and a loving husband would never expect his wife to go under the knife in order to be attractive. Nor would a normal man need his wife to be so perfect in order to find her desirable. You CANNOT keep up with porn stars who will ALWAYS be younger, always be prettier and always do things you won't. What is going to happen when you get to be 40 and 50 and 60? More surgery to look like an 18-year old? Get real! A REAL man loves a woman for far more than just her physical appearance and will love his wife as she ages just as much as when she was young.

Please get help!
Call 1 800-NewLIfe for Christian counseling.

Jane

Whoops! Sorry, that message was for another question "Hubby with roving eyes" But it fits somewhat to your situation too!