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Old 6th October 2014, 12:15 AM   #1
Ijustwant2bhappy
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Unhappy Friday Nights - Husband gambles - Need help

Hi, I hope someone can help me.

I really need advice with my husband, he is the most wonderful and caring man, Saturday to Thursday and then turns into a complete stranger on Friday nights.

He has a great job but spends his wage every Friday night on alcohol and poker machines, he comes home when his wallet is empty.

Every Friday is the same, he leaves home about 5pm and returns between 1am-3.30am, he treats me so disgusting when he comes home. I found out about his gambling by our credit card statements. Every year I think he will change and he tells me he has stopped gambling, and then I find out he has lied to me again, and never stopped gambling. He also gets around with younger single men, which I really don't understand at all. I am so disgusted with him.

When I wanted to sell our hme for a nicer one or buy a holiday unit, said we cannot afford it but puts over $2000 a month into alcohol and poker machine.

Gives our son lectures about gambling what a joke.

My son went to university this year, and I feel so alone.

Maybe it is me, and there is nothing wrong with my situation, I just need to know. At present I am sick, have nowhere to go, have no friends, and just need help.

Last edited by Ijustwant2bhappy; 6th October 2014 at 03:56 AM.
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Old 6th October 2014, 06:00 AM   #2
chosen
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Re: Friday Nights - Husband gambles - Need help

No its not just you, he has a serious problem that needs dealing with. If he has promised to stop many times and if he treats you terribly when he gets in on Saturday then you have to act. He may not stop until you take strong measures. Spending that amount of money on gambling and drinking is appalling. How do the bills get paid?
You need to tell him that you arent going to accept this any more, and that if he doesnt stop and get help, you are going to separate until he does. Then he will have to choose you or the gambling. Some people need that serious ultimatum to stop being so foolish, but if you keep on putting up with it he will never stop. When you say he treats you disgusting what do you mean ?

As for the younger men, there are 2 possible senarios. Either he is gay, or bisexual, or he likes to hang around younger men to make him feel young himself. At his age he should know better.

Is there any reason why you have no friends? Its pretty unusual for someone who has just bought up a child not to have got to know other mums at least. Now is a good time to get out there and do things to make friends. Take up hobbies, adult learning, keep fit classes, go swimming, join a choir, a walking group, art classes, the opportunities are endless, and I have found the best place to make friends is a good welcoming church.

Last edited by chosen; 6th October 2014 at 06:41 AM.
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Old 6th October 2014, 07:45 AM   #3
Ijustwant2bhappy
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Re: Friday Nights - Husband gambles - Need help

Hi, Thanks for replying.

I made an appointment with gambling anonymous, my husband said he would go with me, but on the day said I had the problem not him, I went for 2 months.

I have a job, when my son leaves uni I want to move close to him. My husband gives me a small amount of money each week to help with food and bills the rest to alcohol and poker machines.

When he comes home late he is so nasty, everything is my fault, this year on mothers day he hit me in the head with a container, sometimes packs his bag, drives off in the car and says he is leaving me, for no reason but being a nasty drunk.

Our son always tells me, try and make it through Friday night as he is a good dad and husband. This is the first year without our son home and Friday nights scare me, as I don't know what to expect.

I spoke to one of his mates that he drinks with and he said he would not keep him out late, he thought it was funny when I said he throw a container at my head. That Friday, he kept my husband out to 3.30am and stated that 12 hours at a pub was not long enough. He still drinks with the guy, it makes me angry that I confided in someone just to make fun of me.

I have friends, but not close friends.

Thanks again for your help.

Last edited by Ijustwant2bhappy; 6th October 2014 at 08:49 AM.
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Old 6th October 2014, 10:45 AM   #4
chosen
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Re: Friday Nights - Husband gambles - Need help

Um how is it that You have the problems and not him????Really?? So basically you provide for yourself while he spends most of his money on his addictions. I cant agree with your son, this man isnt a good husband in anyway. A good husband and father provides for his family and doesnt, act so badly.

As I said, set conditions for the marriage to carry on. 1) he must go regularly to gambling anonymous, 2)stop drinking, 3)use his earnings for the bills and for savings, 4)and stop treating you this way.
If he is agreeable, give him a time, say a month, to begin to put these things into practise, tell him that if he doesnt you are leaving. If he does nothing then get a rented appt and leave the home. You work anyway and pay the bills anyway so you can afford it.

This will hopefully have 2 effects. 1) he will have to stop using his earnings on drink and gambling because you are no longer there to pay his bills, and 2) it will shock him into seeing that you are serious and that he may loose you, and do something about it. Then you will have to leave him to his fate and see if he chooses the gambling and drinking over you. If he does all he can to help himself and stop, then you can give him support, and hopefully eventually get back together, but give it time, dont rush back until he has shown over many months that he has stopped.

I honestly think that things will never change unless you get strong and firm with him.
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Old 6th October 2014, 11:29 AM   #5
Raymond
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Re: Friday Nights - Husband gambles - Need help

I agree with Chosen you need to make some kind of stand, not in a confrontative way but simply for your own protection. Could you go somewhere on Friday nights so that you are not around? That would protect you and send a signal to him that something needs to change.

My wife just said that her father started to gamble and her mother said if you carry on I will leave. In that instance he stopped. He stayed reaonable because he didn't get drunk. Having a husband who gets drunk is a whole problem in itself. In a sense it is a choice of his life with his drinking friends or you. He is obviously in bad company that thinks nothing of the lifestyle. In the end I don't think you have much choice but to somehow detach and keep your own life in your control without being overwhelmed by his gambling and drinking problem. How you do that I am not sure. It depends on your own circumstances but I am sure you can do something for your own protection and your future.
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Old 6th October 2014, 11:37 AM   #6
chosen
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Re: Friday Nights - Husband gambles - Need help

IT reminds me of a lady whose husband was a long time porn user. She eventually got so fed up with it that she told him if he didnt stop she was leaving. Guess what, he stopped.
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Old 6th October 2014, 11:39 AM   #7
chosen
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Re: Friday Nights - Husband gambles - Need help

Raymonds post made me think of something else. if you do decide to get firm with him, sit him down when you are both calm and he isnt drunk, and tell him what your condition are in a calm controlled but firm way. Never do it when he is angry and drunk.
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Old 6th October 2014, 11:52 AM   #8
Ijustwant2bhappy
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Re: Friday Nights - Husband gambles - Need help

Hi, Thanks for your help.

I will sit down very soon, like you suggested, when we are both calm and he isn't drunk.

I have told him before and have even written letters, as I thought that would explain how I feel and how I felt about Friday nights. I really think I am scared and feel so alone at the moment. This time I just have to be strong and think more about me.

It has been really nice that you are trying to help me.

I will let you know what happens.

Thanks again Chosen and Raymond
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Old 6th October 2014, 11:58 AM   #9
chosen
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Re: Friday Nights - Husband gambles - Need help

Yes you have told him before, but he hasnt stopped. That's why you need to be more clear about what you will do if he doesnt stop. Up till this time, he hasnt even had to think that you may leave him. This may just be what he needs to stop and work at restoring the damage he has done.
Make it clear that you will give him full support if he does stop and get help, but that if he doesn't you just cant take it any more and will leave.
God Bless you and please do let us know.
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Old 7th October 2014, 06:07 AM   #10
Ijustwant2bhappy
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Re: Friday Nights - Husband gambles - Need help

Thank you so much for taking the time to try and help me. I will let you know what happens.

Last edited by Ijustwant2bhappy; 7th October 2014 at 07:02 AM.
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Old 7th October 2014, 09:09 AM   #11
Raymond
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Re: Friday Nights - Husband gambles - Need help

We look forward to hearing.
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Old 12th October 2014, 03:23 AM   #12
Ijustwant2bhappy
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Re: Friday Nights - Husband gambles - Need help

Hi,

On Saturday morning I spoke to my husband, he told me he would not gamble or go the the pub any more if that is what I want him to do.

I have heard this before and if he continues to lie and not take me serious I am going to start a new life without him.

I have had enough and I just want to be happy, which I certainly am not at the present.

Thank you so much for talking the time to help me, it has really made a difference in the way I feel, just to know someone cares enough to help me and is more helpful than my husband.

Thank you so much again.
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Old 12th October 2014, 05:03 AM   #13
chosen
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Re: Friday Nights - Husband gambles - Need help

Well done for being strong. I hope that realizes how serious this is is, and that he will do as he has said. Let us know.
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Old 12th October 2014, 09:30 AM   #14
Ijustwant2bhappy
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Re: Friday Nights - Husband gambles - Need help

Hi, Thank you so much again.
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Old 15th October 2014, 09:58 AM   #15
Raymond
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Re: Friday Nights - Husband gambles - Need help

He has to know you mean business and not just listen to his promises. There must be consequences to his actions. I am not talking about punishing him I am talking about protecting your boundaries. If you do this I have no choice but to do this. You cannot be walked over and treated like a doormat. The consequences are important.

I think the Boundaries book will help you by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend.
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